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can you be codependent only with some people?
August 22, 2002
7:24 pm
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linsy
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Or if you are codependent - that's just something you are, and need to work on? I believe in my last three relationships, according to your definition, I was codependent. But the men I had a relationship were unfortunately in situations where they were trying to "find " themselves. I did everything to guide them in the right directions, but soon, I think it got on there nerves, and they made it clear that they didnt need advice from me on that subject. I then wanted so much to please them, that I gave so so much, really it came natural, and felt good to do things for them. Does this mean I am codependent? Also, after my last relationship split..I am having a hard time believing that he hasnt even called (as a friend ) to see tht I am ok. And I am afraid to think it's more of an ego bruise and less than "I cant live without him kind of feeling.

August 23, 2002
9:27 am
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Spud
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I am sure that it is possible to be only codependent with some relationships. But I don't know whether or not that is really the point you need to focus on. Part of codepency is becoming involved in relationships that follow a certain pattern. From what you have written it seems that there is a pattern for you of looking for/becoming involved in relationships where men are emotionially unavailable to you (because they are "finding themselves") and you respond to this with the pattern of trying to "fix" them or help them through there problems. From what I have learned from our discussions here about codependency, theses are pretty typical of codependent behaviors. And pretty simialr to many of the stories we have shared here. You may be interested in checking out the "Codependents Guide to the 12 Steps" thread. Regardless of wether or not you want to consider yourself as a codependent, there are valuable life lessons to be learned through these discussions. If you read the CODA Preamble it states, "Co-Dependents Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships. The only requirement for membership is a desire for healthy and fulfilling relationships." I think the same concepts follows for our discussions here.

Good luck!

August 24, 2002
4:11 pm
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MamaC228
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I am very doughtful that you in fact are what is considered codependent. Typically, codependents are with partners that have usually an addiction of some sort. When you so trying to find themselves. Could be interpeted a few ways. Either they are young and haven't "played" yet or enough. Maybe "they" have been through a relationship that they are trying to recover from. With the chance offending you, which isnt my intent. I beleive that you are suffering from low selfesteem and fear of abandonment. You try too hard to help these men, even if they MAY need it, but it's sounds like you are the one who could benefit from a break in realtionships, to "FIND YOURSELF". Good luck to you! Hope, you'll find your way discover the person you need and can be!!!

August 25, 2002
1:19 pm
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lyonesse
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Codependent behavior is not reserved for individuals involved with an addict. You may develop these behaviors in response to one specific relationship i.e. parent, significant other, friend, coworker, etc. You may then carry these newly-programmed behaviors on to subsequent relationships. Addiction or association with an addict is not a necessary component of codependency. So yes, I believe you can exhibit codependent behaviors with some people and not others. In my experience, my reaction seems to depend on how needy or wounded that other person appears to be -- whether in reality or my imagination.

August 29, 2002
3:17 pm
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tracylyn
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I think I just discovered today that I myself am not codependent with everyone. I was in a codependent realationship with my husband of 15 years. He now likes to use that against me as my weakness. In searching into answers today, I have realized that the relationship I am now in not one of codependency. So to answer your question, I believe Yes!

August 30, 2002
12:58 pm
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beenthruthat
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I have to agree you can focus on one type of relationship to be co-dependent. I find that problems from having an unavailable father related directly to the recurring roles I play in the married role. I begin the relationship by putting myself in an inferior role - even though I am quite assertive at work and with casual friendships.

And, neither of the two husbands (or two significant boyfriends) had drug or alcohol problems. They just needed a Mommy!

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