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can anyone releate to my problem?
November 29, 2002
11:26 pm
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Anonymous
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this is my first time here. i am a 27 year old female, who had been married now for almost 2 years. We dated for about 7 months before getting married. I have two children from a previous relationship. I married him eventhough we had problems and where as different as night and day. when we married he got married at city hall and after the ceremony he went back to work. he never gave up his apartment and stayed at my place and his place. when we argued he just left. he would stay out on weekends or come home really late. he was not with other women but just hanging out with friends. he never really met any of my feeling and never help out econominically like he should have. when broke up and got back together tons of times and just a couple of days broke up again. we talked again yesterday and all my feeling came back. why do i love him so much and have this crazy urge that i need to be with him?? He talks so nasty to me sometimes, but he could be so wonderful at other times. he is always helping his family and helping them realize their dreams and hopes and forgets mine. why do i want to be with a man that does not truely care for me i think? and does not have the same common goal in life as me? why do i keep choosing to be a mat and get stepped on all the time. i am a professinol that makes a decent living and he think that i do not need his money around the house as much as his family. when he is with me he is usually sleeping. he does not help me in house work or anything else, but i still love him. at time he was verbally abusive and he even hit me other times, what do i have to do to get him out of me and forget him? why do i also go back and why does it seem like i always get myself into realtionship with men who treat me bad? Please help me . people don't know what i am going through and everyone swears i am so secure about myself and happy. deep down i am dying and need to get some type of strenght to be able to change and be happy. I don't want to just divorce him and get myself in the same situation in the future. i want to be able to find myself and stop this cycle. I live in new jersey. THanks

November 30, 2002
9:29 am
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Welcome Las,
I can offer you support and compassion. I don't have the answers to your questions just empathy.
I have been divorced 3 times and have been married just over a year this time. I am not good at relationships obviously.
I find that talking about it here helps me to help myself. It makes me feel like I'm not alone.
You are not alone! Welcome.

December 1, 2002
8:45 pm
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Thanks-MJ. But don't you wonder why you can't make realtionships works. don't you want to fix the problem. I want to end it already. I want to be happy with someone else. I am happy now with my two daughters, but i really feel like i want to share my person with another person. I really don't understand what is wrong with me. I don't even know what a real realtionship should be like or even what a real marriage should be like. I have nothing to measure the guide lines too. He was with me yesterday, we left the house this morning and suppose to get back together today but for different reasons and reasons i guess out of his hands it couldn't be. I can't believe that i am married and my husband lives in another town. HOw could a married couple fix problems when they aren't even together and he is leaving on vacation to visit family in a couple of days for a month. Why do i always have to come last. I wonder if it is me that don't put myself first so he could do the same. I have no clue what do anymore. I can't keep saying him like this cause it ripes my heart out all the time. He can't understand that we either stay together or get divorced for good. He thinks i am going from extreme to extreme, but why should he have fun with me and hang out all weekend and weekday nights with his friend and make time for me when he wants. GOsh what is wrong with me!!!!!!!!!!! Why do i need him in my life

December 2, 2002
8:49 am
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Let me tell you what I had to learn and it took me 21 years in my marriage to do this before I filed for divorce. YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO CHANGE ANOTHER PERSON. You can only change yourself. My friends told me to ask myself, am I better off with him, or without him??? I couldn't come up with the answer for a long time, because more than half my life was with him, so how could I know if I would be better without him. I started to care about myself, I started to take better care of myself, I liked me, but I didn't like the me I had become with him. I'm worried about you because he's abusive, don't let yourself be in that position. You seem to have settled with what he has given you, but if you learn to love yourself, you'll realize that YOU deserve better and you will come to your decision when you are ready. No one can tell you what to do and when. I wanted my friends to, and they wouldn't, but said I'd get there on my own. I guess I was just a slow learner. My vows were important, but this was no longer the man I made those vows too. Is living apart your idea of a marriage? If not, then you need to examine what it is you have. I don't want to seem harsh, but we all deserve the best. And again, even if you think it doesn't apply, I strongly recommend reading the book Codependent No More. You cannot believe how much you can learn about yourself and why you may do the things you do. I guess I've read it about 8 times already. I really believe in working on myself and it's the best step forward I took. Take Care!!

December 2, 2002
12:38 pm
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Just when I think things are starting to improve, another curve appears.
Your right soso about changing oneself. I have read so many self help books, and went to so many counselors, and now am in a support group. Looking back on my life, I am making progress. It's not perfect, but its progress. Las, I have discovered that being self-sufficient and independent keeps me out of my sick relationship choices. It when I start to feel insecure that I get involved with others. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be happy in any relationship. I forget to be me and express myself for fear of rocking the boat. Wouldn't it be great to have unconditional love! I am so happy that you have two daughters. I raised two daughters alone for 13 years. They are so precious to me. They have families and lives of their own now. I feel unconditional love from them. They accept me for who I am and for the choices I make. They are always there for me. It is really nice. How old are your daughters?

December 2, 2002
2:44 pm
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I have one daughter, and one son. He's my difficulty because he's staying with him right now and that is not good. She's 13, he's almost 18, so I can force him to come here. I talk a good game, but I do have my depressed moments. I just try to get rid of them quick, life is too short. I'm in a new early relationship right now and am learning alot, I just hope I make better decisions. I'm trying to take it slow and easy, don't want any discussions to complicate this. If he doesn't see me and appreciate me for who I am, I have to believe it will be his loss. Am I afraid of heartbreak? Hell ya, I'm human. But it's the risk I'm willing to take. I doubt anything will compare to my past heartbreak and if I can handle that, I hope to handle anything else that comes my way.

December 8, 2002
11:12 pm
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thanks mj and sosos. as you could see i don't come in here that much, but it is nice to see that someone else could relate to my problems. sosos i can't believe it took you 21 years, i can't wait that long. what kind of things did you do to keep you busy when you thought about him? sometimes i have no self control and i feel so lonely even when my two daughters are with me and i run to him. mj my daughters are 10 and 12. i get scared that my daughters will turn out as screwed up as me and hate me for my unstable relationships, but we have such a close realtionship and with what you said mj i see they have hope for a happy family of their own. thanks you two and i will write soon. lets keep talking and sharing it feels good to know that someone else could relate to me.

December 9, 2002
11:43 am
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I loved my husband very much. But I became his caretaker. My heart still aches for him, I was stubborn. I thought I could fix anything, that's just how I am. So, I guess I just exhausted myself with my efforts till I finally realized I couldn't fix it. That was very hard for me to accept. Hell, I still try. I tried talking to him yesterday, as if it would matter now. I just wish he'd see that his two kids do need and want him, just not the way he is. I wish he would become a man already and take care of his life. I guess it's easier for him to give up and convince himself that he can never get better, so why bother. I am so happy with myself, and I felt guilty at first to be this happy in this situation and he's miserable, but if I chose his path I would be miserable too. It was his choices and decisions that got him where he is and mine got me where I am. It's all very sad, but I know I am a much better person for my kids now that I am away from him so that keeps me focused. Take Care

December 10, 2002
12:23 pm
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I have learned that the only person that I can change is me. That's what I am concentrating on now.

December 12, 2002
11:04 am
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How are you doing Las?

December 14, 2002
9:23 am
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How are you??? I know you don't post that often, but we're all here for each other. Hope things are great!

December 17, 2002
9:24 pm
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Hi MJ & Sosos-
U would think i would come in here more often since i am online alot now. But with work, the girls and school i am pretty busy, but still thinking about my husband. We got back together and i was running around like a manic cause he left out of the country for about 1 month. he has been gone about 1 week now and spoke with him maybe a total of 3 minutes in all the time he calls. i am suppose to go spend a couple of days with him to see what happens. but i am really confused, i tried cancelling the trip- but i can't get a refund on plane and hotel, so i am going. i could feel the realtionship is over, but why do i still hang on. he calls me and says hi how are u, miss u and i am with the family, gotta go talk soon. but i don't feel anything. i am going to buy the book sosos- thanks. i can't believe i am going thru this. i broke up with my kids father, when i was younger and less financially stable and carried on fine, and now that i am older,wiser and financially stable i can't get rid of him. anyone of you care to give me some ideas. anyways i will be back tomorrow, and i hope the holidays are keeping u two busy and happy. thanks everything..

December 19, 2002
6:22 pm
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I'll tell you, like everyone told me, you will know when you are ready to make that decision. I felt guilty for so long because I thought all of my friends couldn't understand why I hadn't reached that point yet. I felt weak, and they were much stronger, especially the one who was in a similar situation and got out at 17 years. But she was right. I got to that point on my own, and I do respect them for never telling me what to do. They do tell me now, but only in an effort to keep me strong. Looking back, I know I was unconcioulsy preparing myself in ways, not in financial or planned ways, but in my actions the last few months before I left. It actually took me a road trip alone for a week to really think it through, and by the end I knew exactly what I DIDN'T want anymore. You see, I knew what I wanted, but I was not ever getting that. So, I focused on what I didn't want in my life, I needed to simplify before I ended up in psycho ward, or physically ill. I still have moments, they are shorter, and flee quicker, but they're real just the same. It hasn't been easy, and I wasn't financially stable, probably won't be for a long time, mostly because of him. But my friend also tells me, I can go it alone and on my own, and the struggle will be worth it for me, which ultimately is the only person we all must please. I spent so much time pleasing others, I have to learn what I need to please me. Many things have helped alone the way, and usually when least expected, or by fate or chance, or by my own will. I try to keep the good in each day, and dump the bad out with the garbage. I also talk a good game, I haven't been able to practice what I preach 100% of the time, but that is OK!!! I'll get there, and I have to believe the reward will be sweet. Take Care, enjoy what you want from the trip, and make the most of it for today.

December 19, 2002
9:42 pm
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Sosos,
You are great, i can't believe how much i could relate to you. I am so strong to other people, but i can't be strong for myself. Gosh, it seems like you are doing great for yourself. I hope i get to that point quickly, i can't anymore. I run around for everyone, but me. Do you still get lonely? miss him? How long did it take you to start seeing someone new? It seems like the older i get the less secure i become. I even forgot what is like to have a normal realtionship. I am glad to hear your cookie business is doing good, and that your son is keeping you busy. You sound like a really great person, and i will try to hang in there. And your rewards will be sweeter in the end. Talk to you soon!!! and good luck with your neighbor and it was great that you got the card you wanted and expressed your feeling your way.

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