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Camer.... Seems you are the only ganger on...
November 4, 2004
2:13 pm
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Cristine
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Hey gal. Well, I need some brain sanitizer or something. I called him and left a message, and I emailed him... Oh, and I looked at his calendar also. UGH

No excuses, no real reasons. So he's getting fixed today, who cares. I don't have anything to do with that, and it doesn't effect me... and do I really care if he's doing ok, or if his weewee hurts? NO God, am I having some kind of hormonal breakdown today where I can't control my impulses? I haven't talked to him in 4 WEEKS. I've done fine! I haven't even wanted to call, or had the strong impulses like today. And now, UGH I take full responsibility, and I full well expect to get rejected, or not have him call back, or call back and cuss me out about how I was the one who said I didn't want any contact, and how he's going on with his life and for ME to stop calling now. Geesh, what a can of worms. Well, hopefully, he won't call back, and I can pretend I never sent him anything. I can pretend it was all just a dream and it will all go away in the morning.

November 4, 2004
2:20 pm
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Hey Cristine: You're only human. I read one of your posts re: depo shots and wanted to share that I had those too and then when we split and I quit getting them, the doc said it takes about 8 months to get it out of your system. So yeah, your hormones are all over the place. So you've still got the chemicals (shots) of the relationship in your body. I hated it that I was still adjusting physically getting that out of my system and he got to continue on without a blip to his system. Women just have to go thru more than they do, I think. You're stressin' but that's normal. SD

November 4, 2004
2:24 pm
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(((Cristine)))) wwwwwhhhhhhatttt!! he is getting "fixed" today..you mean a vasectomy??? why, not that you would know but I would think that he is young.

And trust me Cristine, so you called him, think of the reason as to why
you called him, did you feel lonely?? do you kinda miss the nice parts of him??? but don't forget the bad parts of him too!!! If he does call you back, are you going to talk with him??? Again, on this path of codependency, we all have setback and falls, and we try to learn from them, sometimes it takes many falls and bruises till we realize enough is enough.....Keep thinking back to the reason why you 2 broke up, you did last in the past for 4 weeks with no contact..good for you!!! Know that
things are ok, he may or may not call you, but try to get to the reason as to why YOU called him, that may tell
you alot.

(((lotsa support and hugs from the
Camerganger)))

November 4, 2004
2:29 pm
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Cristine
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I'm just pissed that he's getting fixed! He's only 40, and I'm almost positive he's not seeing anyone. He says he just doesn't want to use condoms... and that pisses me off.

The codependent in me stayed with him for what he represented to me... family, future... and him getting fixed makes me sad... I think I wrote in another thread that it made me feel like all my hopes and dreams for my own future were getting clipped along with him. I didn't have any reason to call, I really didn't. And, now I've given him the power back... if he calls, I'll feel like crud. If he doesn't call, I'll feel like crud. I knew that before I left the message, when I left the message, and I know that now. And, my daughter only has 5 1/2 more years till she's 18, and I'm not dating, and the rent on my condo is going up, and .... SD is right about the depo too. I'm on my cycle again, second time in 2 1/2 weeks. I woke up today just feeling sad, and it hasn't gone away.

I'll be better by tomorrow. I'm going to a comedy club and dancing with friends. The tickets were free, so that is nice.

November 4, 2004
2:38 pm
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Cristine...i hope you have fun laughing and dancing at the comedy club..enjoy it.

As for him, i know how you feel, but the phone call was made and now to see if he calls or doesn't either way ....you will get thru this!! 2morrow is another day.

I still cannot beleive he is getting fixed at such a young age..only 40 years old!!! what's he thinking???? not that you would know, but still
seems kinda weird.

Keep focusing on you Cristine, have fun tonite, and know that things will get a lil' better

((((huge hugs sent your way)))))

November 4, 2004
2:42 pm
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Anonymous
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Cristine - Hang in there you had a minor set back in calling him, but now you can't do anything about that one. I can't beleive he is getting fixed. Does he have kids already? Maybe he figures he is just too old to have kids now? I know this is hard for you, but you have done an awesome job going on 4 weeks now. Really good job. And try to remember all the reasons you didnt want contact with him.

November 4, 2004
2:48 pm
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Cristine
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Yup, he's only 40. But, his SISTER told him a while ago, in passing, not to have more kids... so, whatever his FAMILY says, goes. He has 2 other children, but his youngest is only 8. When we were together, he would joke me all the time when I was having cravings that I must be pregnant. He WANTED me to have a child... and would ask me all the time what I'd do if I was pregnant.

Oh well, this is about me. He's going to do what he's going to do. He's going to get fixed, he's going to get my message, and he's going to do whatever he wants in both cases. I have no control over that... and I HATE that I don't. I hate feeling out of control, yet I give my power to someone else. GOD! I know this will pass... one set back in 4 weeks. I'm not going to beat myself up about it. Thanks for the support, guys.

November 4, 2004
2:50 pm
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LOST2
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what does one do to join the camerganger??? 🙂 This is supposed to be how I am trying to get over my "dysfunctional" relationship. not talking to him, the first days were hell, then weeks passed by and I felt some power, then to my own surprise months also left their mark and you know why, because I was, and still am afraid that he will cussed me out at the least provocation, even if there is not provocation, just for good measure type of thing. I have not called him even thought he writes e mails inviting me to - talk to him - by asking questions like "I plan to go to this place, wondered if you were going there any time soon" or " do you happen to still have the receipt for this or that?" but you know what I think that by not calling him the power shifted from him to me and even thought it might seem like a game, because we are hoping something to happen, as time goes by you realize that you are still breathing, eating, walking and in general living, and as days go by it becomes a nice living; so there will be day when you feel that you have to call him but like smokers, go ahead and help yourself to a carrot when you feel the urge. You will be OK.

November 4, 2004
3:00 pm
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Cristine
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You are right, lost... one carrot won't kill me.

OH, and how about this, Camer... NOW, the friend I sent boundaries with, who refused to accept them,,,, is now emailing me... not "directly," but I just got an email that she sent to a group of her girl friends. And, this is not from a preset list that she created. Is the universe testing me today? God, I am too smart for this crap. If I dealt with my profession the way I deal with my personal life, I'd be homeless! Geesh Why can I be so wise and strong and focused in my career life, but so weak and frail and feel so helpless in my personal life sometimes!

November 4, 2004
3:08 pm
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Cristine, so Leslie is emailing you now...and yes, it could be a test....who knows. Keep your head up high and know that you are a good person. Remember you were with your bf for over 3 years, and its not easy to just forget about him, etc...it does take time, maybe that's why you called him...about the control thing too, yes, now the control is out of your hands...and I like the way you said to put the control in God's hands...that is good thinking!!! this day will pass soon enough, till then
be psyched on going out tonite and having some fun, fun, fun!! cuz you deserve it.

and Lost2 thanks for posting, your insight made alot of sense,,,and yes we will get thru life.

(((hugs and support to all))))
the Camerganger!!!

November 4, 2004
3:09 pm
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Cristine
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AND, I have a huge blister on my heel from wearing the cute shoes today... and I can't leave my desk because I'd have to walk around the office BAREFOOTED!

Ya know, I think I'm just going to have to concede that today is just a day where I'm going to have to allow myself to feel not so pleasant. I can't leave for another 3 hours, so I'll suffer through today at work, and go home and just sit in my shower and cry, curl up in bed, drink some tea, and get over today. Tomorrow is another day, as Scarlet O'Hara said... and I vow... Frankly, I don't give a damn! HA....

November 4, 2004
3:11 pm
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Cristine
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Well, fun tomorrow, I'm giving today over to controlled misery and sadness. :o) To end at exactly midnight, when I reverse transform from my pumpkin self of today back into a self assured, beautiful princess! HA, take that life! :o)

I'm sorry, but she can email as much as she likes. Until I hear, or read, the words, "Cristine, I'm sorry I called you names, it won't happen again" I don't consider it anything but an annoyance.

November 4, 2004
3:49 pm
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CAMER
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cristine...aaah the poor feet of yours, maybe a long hot bath later will make you feel better. Get the much needed rest, and yes, this time will pass and 2morrow will be a brighter day....look forward to the
comedy club!!! sounds like fun!!!

November 4, 2004
4:18 pm
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Cristine
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Camer... why do I do this to myself? He called, and sounds like he doesn't even give a shit. I expected that, more than I want to admit. And, now I'm the one hurting. I'm going over to get my stuff from him tonight, getting over the initial seeing him and just not stressing about him coming here on Monday. Then, I'm going to a counseling appointment at 6:30.

God, this same man that was telling me he loved me just a month ago sat and ate CHIPS as he talked to me today. Sitting there telling me he's moved on, sounding cold and heartless, telling me that we'll both find someone again in the future... and yet asking me if I'm seeing anyone or if I've dated. Is he just playing with me? Still looking around the bend for something better, just as he did when we were together? Always something better out there, better than me.

God, I feel like dog crap right now. I'll get this over with, feel like crud when I leave, and just move on, I guess. What else can I do?

November 4, 2004
4:56 pm
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(((cristine)))) look at the source (him) and then you know why you feel so awful. Trust me, he is probably just "talking shit" saying he is over you and moving on, well, he obviously is cold hearted if he is that way.
And why would he ask about you, etc....he probably still cares but does not want to show his true colors.

Feel your feelings now, you may feel awful etc..but at least when you feel the feelings you will know next time
*not* to call him...I guess sometimes deep inside, I'd do the same thing
expecting different results and when you don't get the results it just makes you feel worse.

((((my hugs and support are sent your way))))))

November 5, 2004
12:30 am
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Cristine...

i am so sorry i missed all this today.

Girl, why are you going to see him? i know i know...i guess i would consider doing the same..but it is so not worth it.

you know you dont want him back...even if he wanted you..you would just be opening yourself up to misery....i am worried about you when he comes in there.

hey, is it your time of the month?.. dont mean to be so personal, but i always get feelings of calling..and have called whenever it is that time...i wonder if it is a hormonal thing.

please..please..please...start friday off with detox...he is such a jerk...and you are such a doll..seriously..you and cactus are my strenght...i get nervous if you dont hang in there.

Did you have fun with your friends?
please give us an update...

i am thinking about you......starry

November 5, 2004
9:55 am
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Cristine
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Camer and Star... and all others! Well, I did see him, and cried the whole time... him acting like a jerk, about how he was going on... blah blah blah... so, I told him I was seeing someone else (I borrowed Camer's imaginary boyfriend, Mark! HAHA). Oh, he changed his tune then. "So, have you slept with him, have you kissed him?" Blah blah "Oh, well, I don't know how I feel about you seeing someone else." I told him he didn't have a choice, HE didn't want me or love me, so what else could I do... When I left, he was THEN telling me, "Oh, I still do care, Cristine. I feel like you will always be a part of my life..." WHAT????? How he changed his tune when he thought I was with someone else. I told him to continue going to counseling, and talk to me in a few months. I told him that he needed to figure out WHY he treated me the way he does, and why he only really shows me he wants me when he can't HAVE me! Going there just irritated me, instead of making me feel weaker, like I thought it would.

Then, I went to see my new counselor, and she's a HOOT! She pointed out that I have had the pattern of surrounding myself with people who had the tendency to emotionally abandon me when I didn't meet THEIR needs, said something that disappointed them, or didn't meet their image... that it's easy for them to abandon me because I do so much work in the relationship that they aren't having to put in any emotional committment, and it's easy for someone to walk away when they aren't emotionally committed.

When I got home, my child support check was there... with another nasty letter in it from my x about how I hadn't sent him our daughter's pictures, and how I must not want him to know that I didn't really get them, and that I must not have any money because I can't even afford a 37 cent stamp... Last months was just as nasty. He manages to include a nasty note each time... This coming from the man who is so concerned about what his child is doing that he hasn't called her in a month, or seen her in over a year and a half. WHATEVER. I called and left a message on his phone that I will not be harrassed, and that the next time he sends me another letter like that, that I will hire a lawyer, have him back in court WITH the letters he's written, and have the court begin automatically deducting it from his pay, since he is incapable of talking to me without harrassing me. I already had to get rid of my voice mail at home because he left such nasty messages. He just wants someone to verbally lash out on, and he figures he can continue to do it with me.... NOT It's been OVER 7 years since we got divorced. No more. I'm really trying to set up boundaries, and people sure aren't liking it. Now, I just need to get better following through with the consequences and hold myself responsible.

ANYWAY! I'm going out tonight, and I'm determined to have fun!

Back to work.

November 5, 2004
10:32 am
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CAMER
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((cristine))) gosh, he is back again...of course not treating you good, and seemed a lil' jealous with you imaginary bf!! he seems like he wants his cake & eat it too. You have every right to date, see and/or talk with anyone you choose. Even if he does go to therapy will you still or are you going to still talk with him down the road, or are you ready to
just move forward???? hope you are doing ok, and have some fun, fun fun tonite.

November 5, 2004
11:24 am
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Cactus
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Hi Starry, Christine & Camer,

Starry,
How's the job hunt going? What have you been doing with yourself now that you're not working?

Something really weird happened this week (I'm at a loss to explain it) but I was overcome with this almost overwhelming feeling of "calm". Don't get me wrong I still think about the ex-monster periodically but it's not the same it's as if the hand of god (I'm not really into the god stuff though) touched me and said relax everything will be okay. I guess this let go and let god stuff really works.

I've felt better (emotionally) than I have in awhile. I think I've reached the acceptance stage of my grieving process. It's not like I want to run out and start dating but I did call that girl my friend is trying to set me up with, I left a message on her cell but I have yet to hear from her and frankly will not be all broke up if I do or do not. I've made my attempt now it's up to her.

To tell you the truth it kinda scared me that I wasn't sad or felt like I wanted to cry this whole week. I even listened to some sad break-up music
(I kinda like that stuff) and wasn't affected. It feels really weird but I can get used to this feeling.

Camer,
Hey babe what's new in your life?

Christine,
Luckily for me I'm in a pretty good space cause just reading your latest post would have made me start feeling sympathy pains for you. Why don't you just stab yourself in the heart it'd be a whole lot faster (just jokin, don't take me too serious).

I will have to be honest with you though it really bugged me that you felt you had to use Camer's imaginary b/f Mark (No offense to Camer) to "hook" your ex like a Big-mouth Bass. I guess that may just be something people do it's just quite foreign to me. Games, dishonesty (in one form or another) and manipulation ultimately brought us all to AAC to break that cycle and when you got the one opportunity to face your demon (something not all of us have the opportunity to do) and do some real healing you reverted back to the comfortable safe dysfunctional behavior. I guess I just don't get it. Color me dumb.

If I ever had the opportunity to face my ex in a room and she would actually listen to me I would have been honest and open. What do I possibly have to lose I haven't already lost. I would tell her how I felt, it doesn't matter what I say it won't change how she feels about me but at least I would have some closure and felt like I was true to myself and that's more important than anything else? Isn't it?.

The one time in our lives we're given permission to not have to control everything and we still can't let go. It sucks to be us sometimes doesn't it.

While I applaud your willingness to seek professional help (your counselor sounds quite skilled) the bottom line is all the rationale and reasoning in the world is not going to get you past this hurdle if you continue to engage in self-defeating behavior (driving by his home, checking his calendar, e-mail, etc). If you still love the guy (and he still has feelings for you) then do something about it or let that ship sail. You're in Limbo right now dear. Your words are saying one things and your actions speak something totally different. Have you ever heard the saying "Believe half of what you hear and all of what you see". Just my take Christine.

-Cactus

November 5, 2004
11:44 am
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hey Cactus, glad you are in a good
place within yourself. Hope that made sense. And yes, I too have so much faith and trust in God, thats why I
feel very calm with myself (most of the time) Glad you made the phone call about the possible date with the new gal, keeping your options open is always good.

Cactus, I did talk with my guy last nite, and told him I need to take care of stuff for myself tonite and I'll see him on Saturday..he was "fine/thats ok"..he is very nice and genuine and I was thinking to myself this morning, that yeah, his life may be a lil' boring, living alone in an apartment, its getting cold out, no more golfing (which I failed to mention that he does do in the summer depending on how much $$ he has)...maybe I looking into this too much, but we are going to talk face to face 2morrow.

Hope you Cactus, and all else on this thread & board have a great day!!

(((thanks for all the support)))

November 5, 2004
11:57 am
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Cactus
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Hi Cam,
I'm glad you talked to your b Sometimes I think we (who have lived through this hellish nightmare that is co-dependency) don't trust how we feel when it's good because our frame of reference is so skewed. Maybe you were just over-analyzing or you could be right only time will tell.

I'm from the school of thought that says I trust you until you give me a reason not to. So far your beau sounds like a pretty good guy just give him some time he may surprise you. One thing I've noticed in my relationships is that I don't always thing of everything and sometimes I need some help (what to do together that's fun etc,etc) Believe it or not all us guys don't pick up things through osmosis sometimes when you help us understand better it shows your committment to the relationship which inturn strenghtens the bounds. Just me rambling.

Have a great day girl.

-Cactus

November 5, 2004
12:19 pm
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Cactus, wow what a guy you are!! and thanks for all the input!!! and I am looking forward to this weekend now, the stress of working late every nite, and life in general...gets the best of me sometimes.

Thanks for your kind words of encouragement!!!!

(((camer)))

November 5, 2004
1:54 pm
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Hi ..

Cactus...no luck on the job. I am so sick of no one calling me back even to say you didn't get the job.

i have just been helping my friend fix up her house paint and stuff,,,so keeping busy and such.

I am feeling ok.. Even after the weird phone call this week...just trying my dardnest to avoid calling.

Cristine....Are you thinking of letting this guy in your life? you have come so far...sounds like he is suffering from the " i dont want you, but i dont want anyone else to have you " syndrome.

please let us know what you are thinking..you have been on my mind a lot.

Cactus....that girl is lucky to be getting to hang out with such a great guy!!!

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