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budweiser comes first...then me...so why do i put up with it?
August 21, 2002
6:27 pm
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39design
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September 27, 2010
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i've been single for over 17 years...enjoyed the social life to a certain degree and even dated a variety of super nice guys. the only two, over the years, i ever decided to invest time, emotion and feelings on were both alcoholics...charming, good-looking, intelligent, sensitive, sweet & kind guys who had great jobs but who could never say no to "one more budweiser"-- so...by the time i got to see them they were drunk...in a "mood" i guess i thought i could make a difference in their lives...thought that maybe when they told me that they loved me meant they also respected me...considered me, my feelings, my needs, my wants...i know it was possible, because each proved it to me early on in the relationship or when he thought he was losing me. guess i fall for the guy who "lives" deep inside...but the drunk on the outside is who he was more comfortable being. i think of that song by climax blues band -- "i love you" -- where the lyrics say: "when i was a younger man i hadn't a care. i was hittin' the bars, drinking the beer, growing my hair...then you came along and stole my heart, walked into my life--ooh babe, you got what it takes so i made you my wife...since then i never look back it's almost like living a dream...etc." anyway...i want to be "that person" who picks him up and gives him hope...makes him smile...puts the bounce back in his walk...helps make him love himself. even though i know i can't help someone who doesn't want to help himself. i don't know if i'm more afraid of being alone or being with someone who is on a highway to self destruction... funny thing is..i'm typing this right now to keep my mind off the fact that he's been drinking more than usual in the last two days and i'm sensing something is going on...haven't heard from him all afternoon...and this is usually his night to stop in the local pub for a beer or three... silly me. i know i should move on...but why is it so difficult?

August 21, 2002
10:37 pm
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syqg
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you live what you know. you run from what you don't. run. then know what you live. this is your night......to not compete with the pubs or the buds any longer. run.

August 21, 2002
10:40 pm
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sosos
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Trust me, Let me repeat, Trust me, You will never ever be able to change that person. You need to change you...so that you stop the attraction to alcoholics, because I suspect that because you think they need you to help them, you're fulfilling your wish to be "needed".
Believe me, I have been on the roller coaster with my not soon enough Ex for 22 years, and literally EXHAUSTED every avenue, and myself along the way and he hasn't stopped. But just yesterday I received another letter from him that may have tugged my heart strings in the past, and Almost did again, but it was PATHETIC. As if his writing I love you and you don't love me, I would die for you...blah blah blah, is so that I will say,,,OK, let me move back to the hellish life I've led while you get smashed only to hear your apology the next morning and how you weren't really that drunk or fucked up on drugs...I met a man that I don't know where it will go and hope it will last through my divorce and forever, but if not, he has at least shown me the qualities that I now appreciate as a woman in my 40's, that I never even considered in my late teens early 20's and wish I had.

August 23, 2002
12:55 am
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gingerleigh
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How you doin', 39design?

August 23, 2002
3:39 pm
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39design
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thanks for all the wonderful advice and thoughts. that particular night ended up sadly awful...he was drunker than i have ever seen him. i was strong--made sure he got home safely and then went home myself. he was very angry that i left him. he said he really needed me. i'm silly but not that big of a fool and i practiced being strong.

he's, of course, doing the apology dance now--and i've actually been too busy to give him any of my time since.

right now i can only take one day at a time. but running the other direction is probably the best advice yet...

there are "pumpers" and there are "drainers"...the people that pump you up and the ones who drain you...so i have decided to set my sights on hangin' with pumpers!

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