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Anxiety, grief, it is hard to cope
January 14, 2006
11:42 am
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zinnia
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I woke up this morning with a dream about being stopped in a grocery store for not having any money. It is the 14th of the month and I have spent my budget, but I have no reason for anxiety about food because I have a fully stocked pantry. I shop by the month.

Normally after the 15th of the month if I have money left, I allow myself to buy more "extras" but this month I can't.

I do need to lose weight and so I can use this opportunity to eat more healthy food instead of buying pastries. I have those little snack boxes of raisins and I have put them in the cookie jar, and it has been a week since I have had a chocolate chip cookie.

I am ashamed of myself for feeling so bound up with the ability to buy chocolate pastries!

I am beginning to find the raisins satisfying, but the anxiety is still there.

If I think of my daughter the tears well up and I have to turn my attention away.

She is dying of anorexia and she has been taken into the cult that is killing her. I was anoraxic as a young woman and now I am fat.

I was told I was fat over and over again, when I was thin, and I was forced by my monther to wear these awful "girdles" as a young teen. I never weighed more than 130 lbs at 5'7".

I freed myself when I went to college and joined all the rebellious behavior of the early seventies. I still thought I was fat but I did not care.

After my daughter was born I went to about 160lbs during nursing, but soon lost it.

When I had to move back to my family when divorcing, I was at a party at my siter's house, a friend of hers was doing a home fashion line and so they needed me to fill out their guest list.

I always dressed "loosely", like people who are taught to hide their ugly bodies do.

My sisters both started telling their friend to help me choose clothing to help my "fat hips" and so she gave me some things to put on. I had a 26" waist.

This friend of theirs had been there so many times she was part of the family. She did not think twice about the way they were treating me like a "fat" object.

But when I came out dressed in the clothes they picked, and she laughed and helped me pick some that fir, being in the "sales woman" role and not the "friend" role, her eyes were opened and she looked at me in the eyes, and I remember she was the one when I was a teenager who noticed that I wore sttrange girdles and freaked out, and she had believed them that I was "weird", never understood how I was punished if I didn't wear those things, but in that moment I think she understood.

She turned to my sister and said "*** is NOT fat! Why do you say she is?" then everyone laughed.

I was jogging every day. I had discovered in college that I am athletic, and I also had learned how important large-muscle exercise is for mental health. I also learned I do not have sugar cravings if I exercise.

My sister treated that as a horrible "habit", like I was sneaking out to bars or something. She managed to isolate the family from everyone who laughed at her and she joined my husband in abusing and interfering and stalking.

They were trying to kill me. Society does not want us to acknowledge that anorexic young women are women being killed by hostility to any strong woman, they do not start out wanting to be anorexic.

I was not a wanted child, my mother often joked that she thought I was menopause, and my sister had to look after me as a small child. I know that if abortion had been an option I would not have been born because my mother told me so, in spite of our Catholic faith.

I was young when she said that, and I am sure if she said it to me, she must have said worse to my teen-age sisters who saw me as that damn diaper burden they had to lug around.

They are killing my daughter out of revenge.

During that time I stayed there, going through my divorce, my sister's son was with some other high-school boys and they killed two other young men. These people came out of the wood-work to "help" her son avoid charges.

She insisted that I work with them. I had a good start in my career, thinking the divorce and family craziness was only a temporary derailment, like so many others. So many people survive crazy families, and joke about it, I saw myself as one who could do the same.

I broke free of them.

My daughter and I built a good life.

Then we were recontacted when an aunt died, and my sister used it as an excuse to destroy my life. She was still heavily involved with those people who showed up to "help" so many years ago.

We split off again and again, each time she found another way to get back.

The last time, two years ago, I thought my daughter as an adult was stronger and I encouraged her to get to know her grandfather. My father in his 90's pulled me aside and told me he understood. He promised to help my daughter. He sent me a birthday card that says "May your next 50 be better than your first 50 were."

It made up for all the times he didn't step in.

My sister pulled my daughter back in by inviting her to some private dinner after that and she is dying now.

My sister had threatened me at my dad's funeral, fearing that I might move back because my daughter chose to live in her region, and I think she feared my daughter's natural adult curiousity that would result in her recognizing who some of the locally prominent citizens are in our lives.

All we ever wanted was to be left alone. We did not intend to go after her and her friends, because we were not responsible for them. I had left, and I blocked them out of my life over and over.

I have to spend the day doing some artwork, even if it is junk, it is the only way to get past this because I will stop thinking while I work with color and shape.

Thank you for having a place I could post this.

January 14, 2006
12:02 pm
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jewel2
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zinnia, a problem shared is a friend found....
my mother took me to the Dr at age 9 because she thought I was fat (I certainly wasn't) the Dr told her to go home because it was puppy fat! Years later I became anorexic and ironically out of sheer fear of my Mothers temper I ate when she told me too. I understand now that it was my mothers insecurities that began this obsession but that it is now my own behavior that continues to flame it. I have 5 brothers (the only girl) and was told constantly that I wasn't wanted.
I understand these feelings of hate and anger though I feel I must point out that sentences like "my sister used it as an excuse to destroy my life.... each time she found another way to get back....my sister pulled my daughter back in" (to me) read of disempowerment. You have empowered your sister over and over again (PLEASE don not interperet this as me telling you that this is your fault!!!) You need to empower yourself once again in whatever way you can. Sit with your daughter and describe in detail what you went through then get her help - and quick! We both know this is a disease and needs to be treated as such. I send you strength

January 14, 2006
12:55 pm
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zinnia
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Jewel,
Please note:

your post about "empowerment" is ignoring the reality that my daughter is not me. You are ASSUMING that my daughter is free to sit with me.
You are ASSUMING that people don't really kill, MURDER, and get away with it.

You are ASSUMING that I am posting something imaginary.

Ask the site co-ordinator what would happen if I posted the names of the people involved in that court case in which he avoided charges.

My daughter is being killed by these people and I am NOT EMPOWERING IT!!!!!

Please do not post again.

Please, NOBODY post if you are here to make yourself feel all warm and fuzzy by spouting platitudes telling people who have genuine grief it is a F^&**%G EXCUSe that can be dismissed with a little New Age lalalala.

This is not an open thread.

I do NOT want to hear from anyone UNLESS they acknowledge the reality of what I have described as FACTUAL REALITY, and furthermore they have some understanding of crime.

January 14, 2006
3:08 pm
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jewel2
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zinnia, despite your request for me to not post again I feel that I must simply because my intention was certainly not to upset you. Life difficulties are problematic enough without feeling that we have inadvertently offended others. It is unfortunate that you feel I made assumptions as my only reason for responding was to validate your feelings regarding the anorexia. Am I right in saying that the thread was really about the murder that you speak of? I would suggest that if your threads are not deemed as 'open' that you might re-consider making postings about such personal and obviously traumatic events. Sincerely

January 14, 2006
4:48 pm
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zinnia
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Jewel,
You knew when you posted that you were going to assert things are my fault, because you even placed a disclaimer: "I feel I must point out that sentences like ...(PLEASE don not interperet this as me telling you that this is your fault!!!) "

Well, jewel, I feel I must point out that this "empowerment" jargon is an old game and a tired one.

It is appropriate to a therapeutic discussion under some scircumstances, but not all.

And I must point out to you that you are not here to do therapy, even though you may think you are. You are here to engage in conversations. So am I.

I am not here to receive therapy from every one who has watched a couple of episodes of Dr Phil & Oprah.

I am here for fellowship and conversation. Not therapy.

Now people who think that as soon as a person is "open", that that person is in need of "therapy" and that they are the ones to give it, those people are PREDATORS.

They are people who do NOT practice simple respect, who do NOT accept emotionally "open" people as equals, and who are cruising this board looking for an opportunity to live out a fantasy of being Dr Phil or Oprah.

They wear a mask of compassion, but can hardly wait to pull it off to start POLITELY inflicting blame on the victim.

Then of course the victim supposedly has no choice but to accept this filthy and disgusting game, or go away...

But there is a third choice. Confront the predator.

Jewel, I refuse to empower YOU to play the role of my predatory sister.

I refuse to stroke your ego.

So think about how you relate to people. Think about how you make it impossible for anyone in YOUR life to have social contact beyond the most superficial cheerfulness, because as soon as you find out anything about their private lives, you are whipping through your little Oprah pamphlet of catch-phrases to turn conversation into an attack on that person's experience, leaving them no way out except to allow you to touch their private parts.

That is in fact what motivates people like you, Jewel, isn't it?

You want to make every conversation into therapeutic insight, there you are. I can play "therapist", too.

January 14, 2006
4:56 pm
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Anonymous
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zinnia,

I hear alot of hostility in your posts.

I remember a while back, there was a poster who said their daughter was caught up in family stuff and in danger and there was mention of murderers and such - are you the same person? Your posts seem similar.

Anyway - this IS a support board - not a chat line.

So, I guess I will ask again - since I wasn't answered on your other post.

What are you here for? If you want to talk about the stuff that's on your mind - perhaps you can tell us more.

Are you here to entertain?

I guess I am confused why you would come to a support board and then tell people to NOT try to help.

January 14, 2006
6:27 pm
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Anonymous
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"I am here for fellowship and conversation. Not therapy."

With all due respect to you, Zinnia, I don't think you will get much fellowship OR conversation here on this site if you treat people who respond to your posts like you treated Jewel2. I agree with Ali that you seem quite hostile, and I remember (as Ali did) past posts about your daughter where you also attacked people on this board for trying to understand what is going on with you and offering some kind of comfort to you.

There are many of us here on this site, who use it mainly to "vent". We don't necessarily want "advice" either, but just need to get it out by talking about it. I'm curious what you thought in your original post was going to encourage fellowship and conversation? How do you expect any of us to "talk" to you about your situation without you going postal on anybody who responds?

Frankly, I just don't get it. I am not minimizing your grief or the reality of your situation at all. I'm just trying to figure out what your expectations are of us "regular" people here on this board. Most of us just speak from our experience (as Jewel attempted to do). What else could she (or any of us do) to help you? I'm confused.

plz~

January 14, 2006
6:55 pm
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zinnia
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plzd, so I am not "regular"?

what does "regular" mean?

This is the support board.

Obviouly, you and alicia are not posting in order to offer support to the person who started the thread, which is me, you are posting to defend the right of the one who attacked within an hour of it going up with the New Age "empowerment" crap.. Alicia, in fact is carrying forward from an earlier thread, a few weeks ago, with an attack she still feels has to be pushed.

Why do you people, jewel alicia and plzd, not assume that maybe some others might understand what I am going through and the fact that all you want to do is attack is a sign you have NO reason to post in response to my situation.

YOU are not in charge of this board. YOU are not the only people reading these threads.

You have wrecked this thread, so please keeping posting your hateful little mob posts here and stay out of the THIRD thread I had to start.

January 14, 2006
7:11 pm
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Anonymous
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Well, since you asked me direct questions, I WILL post answers to them here. I was NOT insinuating that you were not "regular people". I was asking you how a person who has not walked in your shoes or been in your exact situation can relate to you. That's what I meant by "regular". Sorry if you or anybody else read that any other way. Surely you realize that your situation is quite unique. I got the impression you didn't want anyone who hadn't experienced EXACTLY the same as you to bother to comment.

I can only speak for myself, but I have been on this board for several months now and have found MANY of the people here to be very helpful and comforting to me in my time of need. I understand your need to connect with someone who can be empathetic with you, but is it really fair to be so hostile to someone who, like you, is just expressing themselves and trying to be helpful?

I'm done here, but I truly hope you find what you are looking for. I see you have started another thread, so maybe you will get what you need. Peace to you...plz~

January 14, 2006
8:57 pm
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zinnia
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plz, you express some understanding but you are more interested in shutting me up and making me accept the filth of these people.

they come into a thread and make sure, within minutes of it going up, that they will be allowed to do their little dance or they will drive the orignial poster out. That is alicia's intention. She said so.

And now you care more about the fact this person stood up to your abusive friends than any of what I posted?

My situation is not unique. People like you make sure to keep us silent so you can continue to play your disgusting game. The only thing unique about me is that I am still posting.

Sick to my stomache and full of vomit in my mouth that I had posted anything at all about my darling daughter where pieces of crap like you could even read.

YOU DO NOT WANT ME TO BE ABLE TO TALK TO ANYONE WHO UNDERSTANDS BECAUSE YOU KNOW THIS GIVE US THE STRENGTH TO KEEP FIGHTING AND YOU IDENTIFY SO STRONGLY WITH THE ABUSERS THAT YOU FEEL THREATENED BY OUR VERY SURVIVAL.

January 14, 2006
9:01 pm
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kasie919
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Zinnia:

I think that you have been abusive to the people on this site:

Where as I will not allow myself to be taken under, BUt please refrain from confrontational statements..

thank You

January 14, 2006
9:34 pm
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Anonymous
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Let me make one thing VERY clear to you, Zinnia - I AM NOT A PIECE OF CRAP! Who is the abuser now? Oh yea, "people like me", I suppose.

Geez, lady. You've got your panties in a big wad over nothing. I just asked you to clarify a few things to help me understand your apparent anger and hostility. Is this the way you treat people in your "real" life?

And I'm sure ALICAT would appreciate it if you got her name correct if you are intent on blessing her out!

I walk away from abuse in real life, so I'm outta here.

January 14, 2006
10:15 pm
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Shaney
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zinnia -

I read over your original post several times and still don't understand exactly what you are asking for, and from whom. I don't even get which issue you are seeking help for, as there seem to be so many. Is it your weight that's a problem? Your daughter's eating disorder? Your abusive sisters? Or the fact that your sister seems to have lured your daughter into some mystery cult?

People here have tried to empathize with you or offer understanding, yet you verbally blast them with their every attempt. You don't get to post a problem and then hand pick which readers you want to respond - it doesn't work that way. Either read a post and respond with an inking of maturity and kindness, or ignore the post. Starting three threads with the same confusing story isn't going to attract new or different readers - (do you get that?)- you're posting to the same group of people over and over. And from the nasty responses that you've been posting, those handful of people who even bothered to read your story in the first place are dropping like flies because of your rude behaviour.

Maybe we should be discussing your anger issues before even approaching any of the others. If you want help, as it seems that you do, IMO you need to ease up and be open minded. There are good people here, willing to help - I'm sure you could reap the benefits, as we all have. You deserve healing.

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