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Anxiety, Grief, It Is Hard To Cope #2
January 14, 2006
1:24 pm
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zinnia
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I am reposting a new thread with a special request:

Please DO NOT POST if you think you are doing anyone any good with New Age "empowerment" crap. Stay out of this thread if you think you have a right to tell me these events are not real, or in fact if you think I posted here to ask YOU for help.

Whoever thinks they are automatically in the role of helper to the helpless when they read a thread is a deluded person. Only a person with delusional thinking would assume that he or she, sitting at his or her keyboard, is somehow automatically EMPOWERED to help and the thread-starter is somehow OBLIGATED to accept whatever new age drivel is offered as "help".

I left the other thread so you New Agers can all do your emotional vampire dance there.

Yes, you are reading anger in this thread.

Yes, I am setting a boundary here.

We are adults here, or at least should be. Adults know that this is nothing but a board in which we do NOT post identifying information.

The only way I could satisfy some of the "Feelings" vampires who love to tell victims they are "empowering" the abusers that there is a level of reality in which that is pure Bull Shit would be to post identifying information.

Please Do Not Post here if you do not understand and accept my right to set a boundary on this thread. Take your injured egoes somewhere else and leave this thread open for mature adults.

Now, the post I pasted from this morning:

============================================
============================================

I woke up this morning with a dream about being stopped in a grocery store for not having any money. It is the 14th of the month and I have spent my budget, but I have no reason for anxiety about food because I have a fully stocked pantry. I shop by the month.

Normally after the 15th of the month if I have money left, I allow myself to buy more "extras" but this month I can't.

I do need to lose weight and so I can use this opportunity to eat more healthy food instead of buying pastries. I have those little snack boxes of raisins and I have put them in the cookie jar, and it has been a week since I have had a chocolate chip cookie.

I am ashamed of myself for feeling so bound up with the ability to buy chocolate pastries!

I am beginning to find the raisins satisfying, but the anxiety is still there.

If I think of my daughter the tears well up and I have to turn my attention away.

She is dying of anorexia and she has been taken into the cult that is killing her. I was anoraxic as a young woman and now I am fat.

I was told I was fat over and over again, when I was thin, and I was forced by my monther to wear these awful "girdles" as a young teen. I never weighed more than 130 lbs at 5'7".

I freed myself when I went to college and joined all the rebellious behavior of the early seventies. I still thought I was fat but I did not care.

After my daughter was born I went to about 160lbs during nursing, but soon lost it.

When I had to move back to my family when divorcing, I was at a party at my siter's house, a friend of hers was doing a home fashion line and so they needed me to fill out their guest list.

I always dressed "loosely", like people who are taught to hide their ugly bodies do.

My sisters both started telling their friend to help me choose clothing to help my "fat hips" and so she gave me some things to put on. I had a 26" waist.

This friend of theirs had been there so many times she was part of the family. She did not think twice about the way they were treating me like a "fat" object.

But when I came out dressed in the clothes they picked, and she laughed and helped me pick some that fir, being in the "sales woman" role and not the "friend" role, her eyes were opened and she looked at me in the eyes, and I remember she was the one when I was a teenager who noticed that I wore sttrange girdles and freaked out, and she had believed them that I was "weird", never understood how I was punished if I didn't wear those things, but in that moment I think she understood.

She turned to my sister and said "*** is NOT fat! Why do you say she is?" then everyone laughed.

I was jogging every day. I had discovered in college that I am athletic, and I also had learned how important large-muscle exercise is for mental health. I also learned I do not have sugar cravings if I exercise.

My sister treated that as a horrible "habit", like I was sneaking out to bars or something. She managed to isolate the family from everyone who laughed at her and she joined my husband in abusing and interfering and stalking.

They were trying to kill me. Society does not want us to acknowledge that anorexic young women are women being killed by hostility to any strong woman, they do not start out wanting to be anorexic.

I was not a wanted child, my mother often joked that she thought I was menopause, and my sister had to look after me as a small child. I know that if abortion had been an option I would not have been born because my mother told me so, in spite of our Catholic faith.

I was young when she said that, and I am sure if she said it to me, she must have said worse to my teen-age sisters who saw me as that damn diaper burden they had to lug around.

They are killing my daughter out of revenge.

During that time I stayed there, going through my divorce, my sister's son was with some other high-school boys and they killed two other young men. These people came out of the wood-work to "help" her son avoid charges.

She insisted that I work with them. I had a good start in my career, thinking the divorce and family craziness was only a temporary derailment, like so many others. So many people survive crazy families, and joke about it, I saw myself as one who could do the same.

I broke free of them.

My daughter and I built a good life.

Then we were recontacted when an aunt died, and my sister used it as an excuse to destroy my life. She was still heavily involved with those people who showed up to "help" so many years ago.

We split off again and again, each time she found another way to get back.

The last time, two years ago, I thought my daughter as an adult was stronger and I encouraged her to get to know her grandfather. My father in his 90's pulled me aside and told me he understood. He promised to help my daughter. He sent me a birthday card that says "May your next 50 be better than your first 50 were."

It made up for all the times he didn't step in.

My sister pulled my daughter back in by inviting her to some private dinner after that and she is dying now.

My sister had threatened me at my dad's funeral, fearing that I might move back because my daughter chose to live in her region, and I think she feared my daughter's natural adult curiousity that would result in her recognizing who some of the locally prominent citizens are in our lives.

All we ever wanted was to be left alone. We did not intend to go after her and her friends, because we were not responsible for them. I had left, and I blocked them out of my life over and over.

I have to spend the day doing some artwork, even if it is junk, it is the only way to get past this because I will stop thinking while I work with color and shape.

Thank you for having a place I could post this.

January 14, 2006
1:27 pm
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Anonymous
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At the risk of you posting another angry response - all I can think to ask is....

What do you want?

If you do not want empowerment or help - what do you expect by posting this?

I'm not sure I understand posting something on a support board and not expecting someone to want to help.

so - bottom line - what do you expect or want?

January 14, 2006
5:03 pm
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zinnia
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alicia,
There is help in conversation about painful things.

Unfortunately, some people, too manay people, think that "therapy" and "conversation" are the same thing.

Too many people also think that "therapy" is something anyone who watches a few Oprah shows can do.

What they are actually doing is not "therapeutic", it is "prurient".

But I have been in enough less difficult conversations in this board to see that there are also people posting who have strong life experience. Also I don't see too many threads here getting hijacked or turning chatty, like happens in many discussion boards. There is room for thoughtful conversation when the "chat" atmosphere is not dominant.

I apologize if the anger offended you, but I don't apologize for feeling healthy anger about the ease with which some people assume this "therapist" role with total strangers.

January 15, 2006
1:12 am
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camra
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well ok, I understand what your saying, Im not a theripest but I can tell you my experience with Anorixia, And the only thing that help me to quit benging and purgeing was that I knew that if I didn't I would go to hell, so that made me quit. I am now on a healthy diet, but by the way I was that way when I was a teen...

well anyway thats what worked for me.

camra

January 15, 2006
1:58 am
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zinnia
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Thank you camra.

Do all anorexics binge and purge, or do some just not eat?

January 15, 2006
5:21 am
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alycia
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i dont know why u did this again. The other replies u recieved were fine, i tend to agree with ali, what is the point of all this?

January 15, 2006
4:16 pm
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zinnia
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alycia ,
why do you care? you have already stated that you want to see me get put out of the board for not accepting ideas you think are ok.

Now someone else comes along with a non-attacking remark and a conversation starts up about anorexia, and here you are again, angry because this thread is here.

I did the right thing to start new threads. It took an extra effort to get the wording right to screen out people who are here to push themselves on anyone who opens a thread. But now there is some good support going among people who understand grief and the people who are here for other reasons are not pushing their personal agendas on the "anxiety & grief ADULTS ONLY" thread.

camra,
since anorexia is a big part of why my daughter is dying, and others may start posting in that thread, please go there. This original post is there just like here, so the thread could start over.

It is a big source of hope to those of us trying to keep an anorexic alive that you survived.

You don't know how important that is.

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