Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
addicted to addicts
December 24, 2002
2:22 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I'm an adult child of a recovering alcholic. I have a need to be in relationships with the same addictive personalities. I have recently tried to leave my boyfriend of the past three years. Though we have been seperated for 2 months, we had previously lived together, I can't get the strenght to discontinue sleeping with him. My mother is unaware of this because she has threatened to disown me if I continue to be with him. This makes me very resentful towards her and angry that she is punishing me for behaviors she has taught me. What do I do? How can I recover from this whole in my heart that can only been filled through rescuing addicts, and how do I help my mother to accept me despite mt failings?

December 24, 2002
9:29 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Brooklynb,
I hear you. It feels normal, comfortable, to be with people that make us feel as our childhoods ie feeling loved.

I started out in AA cause the people were comfortable to me. I now belong to Al-Anon after 2 years of AA cause I am getting healthier. I now feel more comfortable with Al-Anon people.

Recovery is a process. If you work the twelve steps and keep working them you will learn healthy tools for survival.

I find that our parents love us inspite of their imperfections and sometimes see our friends and boyfriends more clearly than we do ourselves. Why does your mom dislike your boyfriend?

December 24, 2002
9:49 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Brooklyn,

I am an adult child of a recovering alcoholic, an alcoholic, and married to a man with an addictive personality. I have been AA for about 2 1/2 years now (sober for almost 2). One of the things I have learned is how to take care of me. The 12 step progam has helped give me the courage to confront my husband on his addiction and to not be a door mat to his behaviours.

It was just yesterday that I reminded him that he either gets help (continuous help), or leaves. I think he is taking me seriously and is beginning to seek help. His idea was to find someone who would tell him he is "normal". Thank God he didn't find that and is realizing that I mean what I say.

I love this man, but am no longer willing to accept the things he does. I never had the courage before to say anything, forget about telling him to leave. It is very liberating to know I can stand up for myself. It has taken a long time, and I have a long way to go...but it is a process I'm INVOLVED in, and not just an observer.

I never had the experience of Al-anon, but I think it would really help you. A lot of my friends who are in AA have family in Al-anon...they are getting healthy and recovering just as we are.

Good luck to you Brooklyn 🙂

December 24, 2002
5:47 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

well there are many reasons my mom doesn't like him. 1) He has stolen money from me.
2) He gave me Hep. C
3) He reminds her of herself.

December 24, 2002
6:56 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well, it sounds like your mom has some good reasons not to like him... sounds like you have some good reasons not to like him too! Question is, why are you focusing on being angry with your mother for wanting better for you rather than focusing all that energy on keeping yourself strong enough to keep this man out of your life?

I hear a lot of hopelessness in your post, and a lot of blame cast towards your mother for teaching you to be the way that you are. It's good to understand where our behaviors were learned so that we can unlearn them, but once that light bulb of understanding goes on in our heads (as it has for you... aha! I'm addicted to addicts, and I learned this behavior growing up), you've just given up the right to blame someone else for where you are from that moment on. So you learned unhealthy behavior from your mom, and that's how you wound up where you are today. So now what are *you* going to do about it?

You are strong enough to be free of this addict, and any future ones you might encounter. But, you might need some help in breaking your own habit. It's up to you to figure out what help you need and make sure it's available for you. Just like a diabetic knows she might need medication to stave off an insulin reaction and therefore makes sure she has the right syringes in her purse, so you too must line up your defenses. You mentioned your mother doesn't like this guy (OK, good...) but that she's threatening to disown you if you stay with him (OK, not good). Do you have any girl friends, or siblings, you can lean on? Someone you can call at 1:00am when he just told you that he wants to come over for a booty call?

Write. Start making lists, about all the crappy things he has done to you, and all the wonderful things you wish he had done for you but never did. Keep that list handy, post it next to the phone, on the fridge, give a copy to your best friend and have her read it to you when you call her at 1:00am.

Get busy. Join a gym. Join a club. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or a pet shelter. Heck, get a dog. That's a good idea, the dog, because you'll get unconditional love without losing money out of your wallet or getting hep.

And... by the way, I'm speaking from experience. You don't live with the guy any more, but you're indulging in "breakup sex", and you aren't truly going to start healing from this breakup until you end it and cut all ties. What you are describing is normal, or at least extremely common in breakups, and you CAN get through this.

December 25, 2002
2:52 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ginger,
I do have friends that I can call but through the duration of this relationship I feel that they are tired of this rollercoaster ride. I really don't want to put them trough it any more. I don't want to make excuses for him because he has done some shitty things, but he is at least taken responsiablity for his actions and is paying me back. Also the Hep thing was something he didn't know about. The only reason we found out was because I'm fanatical about my gyro appointments.(I had a scare with pre cancerous cells on my cervix) Anyways I know were not here to talk about him. As far as my mother is concerned I guess the reason I am pissed off at her about this situation is that I feel that she believes that I'm just suppost to get over it. Even though she say she doesn't. She just has this way of looking at me that makes me feel like my feeling are an inconvience to her. I also feel like the whole situtation reminds her of her own addiction and how that has effected her children. She has made amends to me but I feel like making amends to a 12 year old (I'm 21 now)
really doesn't mean anything. I had no true comprehention of how her drinking effected me at the time. I just wanted to make her happy.

December 26, 2002
10:49 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hurrah Brooklynb,
You are on the road to recovery!

Like Gingerleigh said, awareness is half the battle. The important thing to realize now is we can choose for ourselves our destiny!

As a 21 year old adult, You are in charge of your choices. Isn't that freeing?

December 29, 2002
9:39 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Brooklynb:

I can hear your pain and confusion. I too was there with the addict in my life. I have been attending Al-Anon faithfully for four months now and am just beginning to see the truth - yes there has been a lot of pain inflicted upon me, but as the saying goes "it takes two to tango". If we were not who we are, we would not invite nor allow unacceptable behaviour in our lives to remain. One Day at a Time we can learn that there is a better, healthier way to live... Try to find an Al-Anon group in your local area - you'll be glad you did, and step by tiny baby step you will be freed from the pain and the blame and the sun will begin to shine for you....

January 3, 2003
8:42 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have never been to Al-Anon but I was wondering if most people out there felt that it was helpful.

January 6, 2003
12:40 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

YES!!! Al-Alon has helped me through the most difficult time in my life I have yet experienced.

It has taught me about ME, and taught me most importantly that I am important and I matter and that it all starts with me.

The loving, kind support I have found in Al-Anon has been a Godsend!!!

Take good care of you.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
28
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110929
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38539
Posts: 714213
Newest Members:
stanley, LarteyWellnessGroup, dr ado spell caster, Leslie Ann Satin, overmyhead201, delight1080
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer