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i need help...
December 18, 2012
11:49 am
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in the dark
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December 18, 2012
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idk what this falls under because its so many things but this is going to be really really long.. im desperate to find answers and figure out whats wrong... im 19 and im going to start from the beggining.... i was born premature due to the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck... when i was an infant i was diagnosed with ADHD but ifeel its more than that.. when i was i was exposed to violence my uncle always coming home with a black eye from bar fights , guns everywhere i basiclly grew up in a hispanic ghetto house , beatings were common when i acted up , 

 

most notably was the head injuries i recieved (hospitalization wasnt required in any of the cases)  my grandmother got so mad at me one time she smashed a swiffer mop on my head breaking the mop end from the rest of the mop... another time was i was 6 when a kid maliciously grabbed me by the ankles and dropped me on my head it was like a scene from a cartoon... our 2 pitbulls having fights that always ended up bloody and it terrified me i walked into my old room one day as a child to see blood everywhere and one of the pitbulls dead.. we didnt fight dogs its just these 2 didnt get along and we tried to keep them seperated but one of them chewed through the door of the room the other was in and i guess you already know what happened when he got it... im not afraid of dogs but when i was 4 we had 2 rottweilers one jumped on me and my head smacked the concrete and it was terrifying as she was on top of me snarling and my pit rex who was the same age as me came and attacked her and i escaped...

 

also when i was 4 i dont recall why but i fell back off the bed 3 times where the back of my head again smacked the floor..(im recalling everything that could be the cause of the problem) i was always fighting in school usually against larger kids for no reason other than i thought it was a game and i always acted up in school (btw my dad was a drug addict i never met) as a child i was glued to my gameboys and video games of the times as if trying to escape reality i never understood much cus i was always there... i remember one time one of the care sitters i guess you could call em at day care got mad at everyone and took my hand and smashed it on the table it hurt bad (no hospitilization) when i was 13 i moved with my mother i was being babysat one time cus she was overprotective and i wouldnt do what the babysitter asked so she slappedme so hard (we were in the bathroom and i wouldnt brush my teeth) and my temple smacked into the metal toilet paper holder... my first day of 5th grade i got punched by a kid and was bullied horribly ever since i had to switch schools twice because of it...

 

i finally left that place for military school my sophmore year and again i was tortured by the cadet ncos , burned with a braclet on my left arm constantly beating me and even smashing my head into the wall a few times they once held me down stripped me and threw me in the hall and locked me out of my room... another time is when they held me down put rubbing alchhol on me (a little amount) and lit it and the part that sucked most was when they would hold me down and (they left my pants on for this everytime) and shoved a broom into my rear end... they would smack me, punch me and everything they told me i was a dog and that i should be a good boy... finally the anger and anxiety and depression kicked in my second year there and i snapped on one kid who said he could whoop me i gave him a scar on his eyebrow and unfortunately enjoyed seeing the blood run.. it was so bad that 4 big cadets had to pull me off and restrain me while others carried the kid from the room cus they believed i was trying to kill him... idk but i feel like i was trying to as well.. i went to my room after they let me go and i felt a little bad but not as much as i should have.. ever since then i hit people just for even giving me a dirty look...

 

ive never been able to talk to anyone , i feel alone , depressed , everything is always bottled up cus i wont let anyone in.. i shy away from groups larger than 3 people and i prefer the dark as if im noctornal i even put blankets over my window to keep the sunlight out.. i have bad anxiety but ive learned to control it and kept a poker face since i was a kid.. the few friends i have have said i dont even change my facial expression much it always so vacant they said they dont even rememeber what my happy face is like cus the only faces they know are , anger, sadness and a vacant/neutral cold gaze , although i dont feel like i do that... but it must be true cus my family even says it... i spend so much time on the internet and with video games its not even funny and i have some addictive features like chain smoking, if i touch one thing i usually have to touch it with my other hand or finger as well out of impulse... when ever i do go to groups larger than 3 people like a party for instance i gravitate towards the people i know which im sure is normal in anycase but i do it like a lost puppy...

 

i have suicidal thoughts feel fat, ugly, worthless and have trouble with women and im obssessed with death , blood, gore (most notably my obssession with zombies) and i hate to admit but i have homicidal thoughts although im too passive to act upon them let alone suicide... i have 11 burns on my arm from cigarettes that i put out on myself and ive punched myself in the face to the point i had near tennisball size nots (like a second pair of eyes under my eyes if you will) i love animals but i find myself being violent towards them like lizards as a child i crushed thier skulls , tore off thier legs , ripped them in half... and as a kid when i had hamsters they would be running in their exercise wheels and i would spin them rapidly while they were still inside i regret doing this and i dont do it anymore i have great remosre when i lose control on my dog (we hit our dogs when i was growing up) for example when he barks uncrontrollably cus we never trained him i find myself beating him to the point that my mom starts hitting me to stop me and i feel so bad for it afterwards that i cuddle with him , and tell him im sorry and sleep next to him... although ive been doing good lately not hitting him cus i clench my fist as hard as i can and just store it away like i usually do with everything (ive never expressed my emotions to anyone like ever)

 

i also have an obssession with porn usually relieveing myself once a day ive only had sex 3 times in mylife which i think is good enough so idk why i do that... the longest ive ever had a relationship for was 9 months but it was one of pain cus she was always cheating but i couldnt bring my self to leave her bc im a clingy person... i aslo say and do things i should have thought about before doing them like one time i tried to get on a military base with alchohol in my hand when i was 15 although i dont drink anymore and never will again i do smoke weed to help me stay calm and relax and stop being worried about anything and everything.. i also have achrophobia (fear of heights if thats the wrong term) and i dont know why.. im afraid of the dark honestly but im always in the dark and idk why i fear it yet prefer so i usually out of fear i sleep with a large bowie knife under my pillow.. and having a light handy when im on my nocturnal schedule and i always carry a small razor in my hand through the house when i dont feel like carrying my bowie knife... theres just times i want to start punching, kicking, biting people who look at me.. and sometimes end my own life but i never want to nor think i could hurt another person phyisically unless is was neccesary like a life or death situation...

 

i usually do this alot but not so often that itd be like touretts but ill fidget like ill be sitting there doing something pause for a second then convulse ( like a mini half a second earthquake tremor) i also lose control sometimes still though but dont get me wrong my problem isnt mostly anger i feel like its more anxiety, sadness and being lonely... i rarely leave my room let alone the house(except on the back porch to smoke or cut someones hair which is how i make my money) ... its like my safe area that i can be alone...i dont feel loved wat so ever even though i know my family and few friends do...

 

i think thats about it... please if anyone knows where i can turn or how to get help id greatly appreciate it i cant afford appointments.. i want to liberate myself of all of this and be normal for once in my life....

December 18, 2012
11:51 am
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in the dark
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and one more thing hopefully you wont see as a psychopath but all of my friends would tell you that i have a good heart and would do anything to help anybody in need...

December 18, 2012
12:16 pm
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in the dark
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sorry but theres so many details i missed… i confided in my pitbull rex never laid a hand on him once in my life he was my compainion he died when i was 14 and he was 14 as well and i wasnt there i feel so bad cus i wasnt there when he died and that i was 200 miles away living with my mother i wish everyday that i couldve been there holding him when he passed…… i was also close with my second uncle i called big tio (tio being spanish for uncle) he died 3 months after rex but my mother didnt tell me rex had died she waited to tell me i only found out the day she told me big tio had passed when i over heard her talking to a friend about big tio and she mentioned rex passed as well i was so angry for her at that it doubled the pain bc not only had i lost my big tio but my best friend and that she kept it from me i have his collar that keep in my room as a memento and honestly if anyone ever tried to take it and get rid of it i would snap and and beat them to a pulp…. i love animals and theyve been my retreat from pain and my shoulders to cry on which is why i cant understand why im so violent towards them….

 

btw all of you are probly wondering but i havent hit my dog in a little over a month and i intend to keep  it that way… please im desperate for help and answers…. i also forgot to mention i have an obsession with knives and daggers and the scars on my hands to prove it… not intentional cutting but when i would do tricks with them… and i think this is the final thing but i cant even cry anymore... the only tears that have left my eyes in years are from eye infections and trouble with my contacts

December 29, 2012
2:05 am
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ShiningLight
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So sorry for what you've been through but I think you are the only one putting yourself in the dark and the only person who can help you is none other than yourself as well. If you need help then be willing and determined enough to be able to reach that help. You can change your life if you want to and it's just a matter of decision and commitment. There are so many ways and reasons to make your life better. You just have to be optimistic and make the right choices. Yes, it may not be that easy for you but remember life is all about lessons. Mistakes are normal but as long as you learn from it then it would be easy for you to keep going on. If you want your life to be worthy then always make worthy things and decisions.

 

Problems may come your way but always remember they do not come to stay but they will just come to pass. Also, if you can't afford professional help there are lots of self-help options online or you can refer to self-help books that are available for free. Suit yourself and do everything you could to change your life for the better, for your own good and for the good of other people surrounding you.

 

Wishing you well and keep posting.

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