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Trouble with Father
May 1, 2014
3:42 pm
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warrendo
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I have a father who's either very narcissistic, stubborn, or trying to be just too perfect. He's very troubling to deal with, but he's hurting everyone around him, especially his family. Let me start with a breif family history.

 

Mothers family - very friendly, easy going people. Can never do no wrong against them unless you do something cruel.

Fathers family - very critical. Everything you do is wrong, unless it helps them, even then, it's usually wrong.

Mother - much like her family, she's a very nice and wonderful person. She would do anything to help anybody within reason. I'm not trying to sound mean or anything, but she can be dumbfounded and very unaware of things around her, but that's most likely due to stress. Going back to school so she doesn't lose her job.

Father - Very unsatisfied with life, very critical of his own family, was raised by a single mother, very hypocritical, procrastinator, and wants to be involved with everything otherwise it won't get done. Very friendly with everyone else. 

Brother - can be very cruel and selfish at times, doesn't like to do anything with his family. never satisfied with anything and continues to want more. easily irriatated. currently going to school. makes a mess of most things.

Myself - very easy going, if not just a wee bit lazy, love my family despite obvious issues, can get irriatated sometimes, but takes a lot of stress to do so. currently working and do to extreme pressure from home, I just couldn't finish school.

 

----

 

My father has always had trouble with dealing with rejection. If we didn't have time to do things with him related to school work, he just get upset and guilt trip you into skipping on your homework. If you still refused (which I quickly learned to do), he'd get even more upset and say we are making excuses. Now that we are a lot older, it's become twice as hard to deal with because my brother and mother are also going to school and he would just continues to get angry thinking we don't love him or no one cares about him. He's even threatened to divorce our mother several times because of her own demanding school work. To make it worse, he's also very controlling and tries to keep everyone on a very strict time schedule.

I do live at home and kind of work double time to maintain my own sort of independence. All of my life, my family has been very demanding and requires a great deal of patience to deal with. I've been working since I was in high school, pretty much funding my education and paying my own bills and such. I went to a technical school not long after high school and soon to college for Information Technology. In my part of town, it probably wasn't the best decision as their aren't too many positions available to me that don't require much less than a Master's Degree. Cry Anyways, while I was going to school, my mother had to start going back to be able to keep her job. So I started helping her inbetween my own homework assignments, but she just didn't understand it. So I'd be till about 2am with her trying to explain it to her, then up even later trying to finish my own assignments due the next day. My father gets mad at me as well because I was up most of the night, says because he has to get up at 4am, that I shouldn't be up because I shouldn't sleep in. 

to make matters worse, my father's mother calls us on a daily basis and as he feeds her information, telliing her how much we don't love him, don't do anything with him, or anything like that, that he thinks we just use him. so his mother calls us when he's at work telling us what we need to do, how to do it, and when to do it. She even went as far as to tell my mother that she should "please her husband in bed better" It's very rude and frankly, none of her business, but nothing we can do about that.

 

we use to go someplace every year for vacation, but I couldn't go one year due to work, but apparently something happened a few years ago where he just got so upset at my brother and mother that they came back home that night and left him up their alone. my brother still holds a grudge over it to this day, that he refuses to do anything with him at all period.

 

Due to demanding personal stress issues beyond my own control, I just couldn't handle it, school, and work, so I stopped going to school to regain my own control over life. I'm working as much as possible as I can at work, while also paying off school loans and another loan I took out to begin school in the first place along with other bills... I barely have enough money each week to buy a sandwich. My father expects me out of the house out on my own, but I just can't afford it. Talking with him is useless because it's either his way or the highway. Trust me I've tried. 

 

I just can't do this anymore and beyond ignoring him, I just don't know what to do. 

May 10, 2014
7:59 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Dearest Warrendo:

I do not know how old you are, but I am going to assume still quite young.  You most certainly sound like a very sensitive human being & you are very aware both of your own personal troubles & of the troubles of those in your immediate family.  It sounds to me that your life is very stressfull & that somehow you feel you need to try to keep the peace within your home.  You should be proud of the person that you are & I am sorry that your financial situation leaves you having to choose between school & work.  The only advice I can give you is to try to find some alone time for yourself outside of the house, even if it means just going for a walk or meeting with some friends for coffee.

Whatever the problems of each individual in your family, you can only control the way you react to the things that they do.  The only real control you have within the house is the way you react.  In your situation, trying to balance the dysfunction will not help anyone & only leave you feeling more out of control and stressed out.

 

Is there anything that you really enjoy doing that does not cost much money or no money that could give you a break from your home life?  Do you like your job?  Do you enjoy writing? Reading?  I think your choice of study (IT) was a wonderful choice considering what our future might look like:)  Did you enjoy your studies when you were in school at all?  I do understand just how many long years of schooling is involved to get to the point where your education pays off so to speak.  Student loans are plenty full of pressure.  What about a smaller focus towards a lesser but more demanding job market job?  Is there a College course that would ensure you a job where you at least earned enough to support only yourself?

 

I hope I am not being too intrusive.  I wish there was a way for me to help you more.  Please try your best to understand that you must take better care of yourself.

 

Good luck & please write back & let me know perhaps if anything has changed.

 

One Day

July 11, 2014
8:46 pm
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warrendo
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Sorry it took so long to respond, but I always seem to have trouble finding this site.

 

I do not know how old you are, but I am going to assume still quite young.  You most certainly sound like a very sensitive human being & you are very aware both of your own personal troubles & of the troubles of those in your immediate family.  It sounds to me that your life is very stressfull & that somehow you feel you need to try to keep the peace within your home.  You should be proud of the person that you are & I am sorry that your financial situation leaves you having to choose between school & work.  The only advice I can give you is to try to find some alone time for yourself outside of the house, even if it means just going for a walk or meeting with some friends for coffee.

I'm in my early twenties, have two jobs (one in the afternoon and one in the evening), and yes... life is pretty stressful. My father is a very stressful person. He isn't easy to talk too and when you do manage to get a word with him, the conversation quickly changes to what he wants or expects from us. I've learned early on that no matter I do, theres no easy pleasing him. But it's so hard to take charge of my own life at the moment. For example, more recently he wanted to paint the house. I said I'd help him, but on my schedule as I can't garuntee the times I'll be home when he wants me to help. I scraped all the wallpaper off myself in one night, staying up all night so he could start scrubbing and painting. The places I work, I'm kind of the guy who does everything so it's much harder for me to take off work when I need to, so since he refused to do any of that by himself he just let the walls go. Not only that, but my brother refuses to do anything to help his own father whatsoever. It just so happens that I had a free open weekend coming up (sort of, had to work saturday, but I had a thursay, friday, and sunday off. So I went down to the ol' Home Depot to buy some painting supplies and a color that he had chosen when he first thought of the idea. I wanted to surprise him and paint the house while he was away. That same weekend, he went down to his mother's vacation trailer a few hour. Just before he left, he found my painting supplies and went bananas! Saying things like, "You went behind my back!" "You lied to me!" It's like he doesn't trust me to do anything on my own. :'(

 

Another example of his behavior being that we've been needing a new fridge for a few months now, it's been acting wonky (it is like 25yrs old however) and we've had a repairman out twice in the same week. So, I took on a job for my mother's boss watching her pets while she was on vaction and in exchange, she was going to give us a $2000 fridge she really didn't need anymore and was taking up space. So I made plans, pretty much begging, to take off work from both jobs so I can get my parents the fridge they need. Is he the least bit appreciative? NO! All I hear is, "you can take a whole week off work, but you can't take a few days off work to be with me!" "That has to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard of" 

 

He's even worse with my mother, his WIFE! 

 

Is there anything that you really enjoy doing that does not cost much money or no money that could give you a break from your home life?  Do you like your job?  Do you enjoy writing? Reading?  I think your choice of study (IT) was a wonderful choice considering what our future might look like:)  Did you enjoy your studies when you were in school at all?  I do understand just how many long years of schooling is involved to get to the point where your education pays off so to speak.  Student loans are plenty full of pressure.  What about a smaller focus towards a lesser but more demanding job market job?  Is there a College course that would ensure you a job where you at least earned enough to support only yourself?

 

I literally spend every waking moment I can at work. I do one thing a week that I enjoy and that's playing some board games down at a local comic shop once a week on saturday to spend some time with my friends. I very much enjoyed my studies when I was at college, but my problem is that I kind of left on a really bad note. It was my fault, I couldn't handle the pressure and stress from my family and it really just put a damper on my school work. I'm slowly saving whatever money I can keep my hands on to save up and move out as soon as possible.

July 13, 2014
2:41 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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It sounds like you are doing your very best & your goal sounds very reasonable.  You work hard & make great ideas on how to help your family.  I hope you keep meeting with your friends no matter how much work you must do.  I hope your goals become a reality & that you get some space for yourself very soon.

I know what it's like to work so hard and feel so stressed.  I commend all your efforts.

 

One Day

October 9, 2014
5:57 pm
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ShiningLight
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It might be best to consult a family counselor who can help resolve your issues with your father.

October 11, 2014
6:49 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Warrendo: I couldn't have said it as wonderfully as you did.  You seem to have a way with helping others and your writing is outstanding.

 

One Day

December 22, 2014
9:05 pm
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warrendo
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ShiningLight said:

It might be best to consult a family counselor who can help resolve your issues with your father.

I've definitely tried, just didn't feel very helpful as she didn't say much of anything... just a lot of "uh huh's"

 

I'm seriously fed up with his attitude. I mean, he's my father and I love him, but he seriously believes that because we don't spend much time with him, that we must hate him. And now he has his family over our house for Christmas (and of course blames it on our mother). I always have had to work on Christmas Eve and top of that, I've started a third job recently too so I'm trying to multitask a lot of things to stay ahead (and bringing my work home with me)… but I come home tonight and it's all gone. His reply "your a slob, leaving your shit all over the place." It was just a couple laptops that needed to update and vhs tapes I was copying to the computer… which was also dissambled and violently ripped out of the wall.  I'm just done. 


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