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The Trial of JonDoe
March 2, 2012
3:10 am
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JonDoe
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March 2, 2012
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all that is written is from my own observation of my mind from a raw 3rd perspective over 10 hours straight typing.


i am confident to say that i am inspired to do this rather than a recent event triggering self esteam to question my self.  those listed here i have tried not to dehumanize them as there actions to some extent , i would class as there natural choice so i would not dramatize or create fiction from fact.

****
this post contains child abuse and requires a level head thats able to think outside the box and accept events as i have . And to respect my mental state for as is... if you see alarm bells then tell me whats wrong etc thats why im here for a full transparent trial and my full complete disclosure with no defensive barriers or diversions from truth , logic or science.

I have typed this up as those around me have questioned my methods and beliefs for years and fail to understand me as a non threat .
There opinion only counts as they pose no threat and have a level of composure and intellect which to ignore would make me redundant and disrespectfull to my self to ignore any observation.

   **
  You have full access to my mind and personal expirences in my history with no hidden agenda's
 Put me on trial , just understand this is a glimse into my childhood and present mental state alot has been left out due to the repetition of events or similaritys...such as being beaten at home and in school applys as the same restriction or feeling trapped as i did at home so no point.

**
please...please ....please...no compassion or pity there is no hidden attention seeking or disire to be loved feared or respected. I am even unable to accept compliments i am mentally incapable of recieving correctly as this would be translated as a negative in my mind to protect me from feeling good about my self and taking my eye off the ball Which is nothing related to self esteam issues as msy "Ego " was removed and supressed years ago based on those around me feeding off from theres and realising the false positives they get from there ego.  I spent many of years digesting everyones actions down to logical behavioural traits or theory aswell as finding ways to co-exist with those around me trying not to be to brave or to weak .....im not a worrier or paranoid or even depressed im very logical methodical and consistant with my mental and social borders so no one will be harmed or harm them.

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 Whats under the hood ?
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   My mind interpts everything as a negative and starts a battle within my head to prove something is a threat even though .   logic and common sense will allways picture the current enviroment multiplied ...or generate possible past enviroments to create a picture to understand.
  Which could be called " first impressions ".

My " first impression " of others is usually spot on although the core of my mind is constantly on point waiting for rejection and insecurity and on high alert for any physcial threat.  which is the same for everyone and anyone i know or soon to meet , even if i have expirence with some one , this alters nothing.

  Anyones actions regardless of there proven physical / mental intentions to me will allways force me to think along a compassionate perspective as this is the only way for me not to misunderstand some one or put my self in a guilt structure big no no.

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Key events that shaped my mindset and disfigured my emotions.

( one shot typing here no grammer or alterations to suite my persona / alpha signals etc just spell check and left raw as it was written )

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i experienced fear , Rejection and aquired compassion and masochism ( non sexual ) at a young age.  As a child i was beaten to rythem of syllables within a rant. I was a very quiet child , i was allways using my own imagination to provide escapism when able to be alone. During a beating if i screamed or shouted i was hit harder as .." i was trying to make it look like i was being murdered"  although i was beaten harder and my mouth covered to reduce my noise it took me a while take a beating.
 after i found my self noticing that there would be no pain in days to come and believed i had found a sollution to uncontrollable events breathe and wait it out....Until i see the others going through the same beatings i slowly decided that my own worth was of no value , compared to the feeling of watching others suffer id rather take a beating and wait it out rather than watch the others.
 which quickly turned into a power struggle because id show no emotion during and after.  I soon realised i could see straight through them feeling a breif signal of remorse or doubt from there body language which was pure instinctive at this age allthough many of times i saluted them with a smile of appreaciation.
 this i believe was the point i probably accepted my role in the enviroment and chose to push the boundaries by not reacting and showing strength.

With What little escapism i had , i spent using my imagination as most children do. To create a non-threatening environment .  When beaten and i gave no reason to be.  I would give no response for I did as told not to scream or cry / overreact and they would get worse , up until they sprained there wrist .
  I was then forced to face the wall for as many hours as it took to make me talk as my only weapon stubborness and silence as this worked off the wall still .. with what i see as minor attacks through out so i would know i was being watched not to show feeling. After this i could suffer no more i would be intimidated into breaking down and appologizing after hours of standing still for something that had no importance to me at the time because i had spent so long trying not to cry and to be as asked on the wall . which proved a better method to deliver a beating as i required more endurance to stand for hours and take a beating , my body was failing me.

during this time i had reached my pain threshold and was feeling extremely vulnerable but all ways in my own little world.

***
As i got older , my older step brother started to take interest and engage conversation and appear as my friend making me feel wanted and able to cope... only as i got older his affection to me and comfort started to feel overwelming and began to not add up by this time i had realised i was being groomed for abuse as every conversation was suddenly became about sex and male parts which progressed into touching me while i was asleep until he would make sure he would wake me up by trying to kiss me or shake me ,  the most frightning momment is knowing that you have put your self in harms way, the length of time you spend frozen unable to move and having no voice.

   
  when i told an adult i was ignored and then beaten for bad language - calling him a pedofile and a queer , And sent to my room , which my step brother took advantage of as i was to stay in the bedroom no toys no sleeping no noise or there would be a second beating, i had lost my ability within my enviroment to suffer in control as being still and quiet would not work like before.
  So he tried to comfort me at my continous refusal , after Hours he managed to take advantage of my vulnerabilty and mental state by constantly bombarding me with kind gestures and promises and agree with anything i said until i gave up being defensive through being physically and mentally exusted .

  He then began pressuring me into to letting him touch me sexually over and over whilst using a soft comforting tone of voice for hours before trying to force me touch him. after hours of him showing interest in me and his affection and gentle approach i agreed let him to touch me and he then later performed a sex act on me.  

 The next day he would play mind games telling me i asked for it and enjoyed it , which had a very disturbing effect on my day to day mind set which caused me to be volitile and attack him , which ended with me being punished with the wall and then trapped in my bedroom with no voice.

I could go more into detail but its irrelevant....main thing is i was shown no attention or affection and let myself down by accepting the worst kind of.

 after i was sexually abused i didnt know who i was or what i was i was. from day one i just wanted to have someone make me feel safe without needing something from me.
  the abuse carried on till i left home at 14 .

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my emotions are physically orchastrated by a physical feeling not mentally triggered by a mental voice or association but by a physical instinct ...unless physically under threat or stress and then the voice would be present.

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 i fight my emotions that have been programmed into me from my childhood which i refuse to supress or ignore as i understand there mechanics , they are there to protect me aswell as to establish a rule set they are  .. rejection , insecurity and compassion.

compassion to me would be the only emotion i have and use extensively that is a reward .
Only obtained from an observation of someone else suffering equally to your self and resulting in mental self torture .

 insecurity has allowed me to protect my self by allowing it to determin my judgement emotionally of those who made me feel vulnerable i am able to act on feeling rather than free thought because i was defeated mentally and see my self as unable to change how i think and only able to increase how i feel i have no choice to rule with my emotions and supress my thoughts.

  rejection has a huge burden and mainly self inflicted from trival scenarios.  
  my mind twists the scenarios so i dont feel loved , respected or wanted etc...which allows me  to be unstable and able to  amoung everyone , although ultra negative it allows me to balance any overflow of rewards ordefend my self at any point.. achievements i have done without rejection make me feel lost and decieved.  
  i began to accept feeling out numbered and isolated from those within my enviroment as there is allways a chance of being rejected by more than one source and left feeling that i have failed my self aswell.

which i have learned that rejection and failing completely seperate and major events that tend to merge as one...and can only be explained as a painting.

rejection is the initial impulse ...the Canvas

failure being a negative mental projection in any number of audience..is.. the paint
 
when i feel rejected i instantly feel failure and jump to fast for my mind or body to cope and i get unstable and angry.  At first i see this as a weakness until realised fight is easyer than flight and used it to my advantage to survive invoking it as blind rage.

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mental notes based on various understanding of my mindset.
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trying to work out what i have done wrong after i have done it is pointless although not suppressed . Any regrets and failures will just seep through the day by making me feel like im in knots and i will and shake them off by random vocal and physical ticks , as the overflow in my head cant take it and i have a physical response...

      if i feel , i have sent a signal showing vulnerabilty i still let it float rather than surpress or correct as i am confident the negative feeling i recieve from being wide open will allow me to not care about my self worth and protect my self , which maybe confusing for some.

understanding this and controling the motions within any enviroment i will still feel i need to adjust my personality starting to try and blocking all my feelings and allowing others to express there emotions and read what i can and take, but with so much in my head i am overwhelmed and easyly steered into intimidating , rage or violence  against someone.

i conflict with people 90% of the time EVEN if theres no physical response.
because a conversation between me and them will result in a need for control for the out come regardless if they decide to physically participtate....

....if the other party is polite , genuine and innocent my mind
will re-approach anything i say or hear that makes me
feel confident / accomplished or even good about my self ,
by projecting my self or an inversion of myself by metophor
of hardship / suffering to balance the feeling of being accepted
as my mind generally sees anything presented as kindness as a threat or weakness.

 if i feel i have moral ground in a conversation i will instantly realise and try and thin out the effect of my words or influence by over compensating and start using metaphors to devalue my ego.

 based on 3rd party feedback , conversation will go from topical , to being interpreted as being arrogant and agressive, mainly due to my body language and eye contact and tone of voice.
 my body language and eye contact to me feels natural and unforced , unscuptured and in no way a mask i wear to cover up the frightened soul within .

any questions feel free - if anything contradicting here please read again without feeling inspired or assocation because id rather science and logic both of which i have no qualifications only hands on expierence .

Thankyou for your time and patience.

May 25, 2012
12:51 am
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ShiningLight
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February 9, 2011
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JonDoe,

 

On behalf of AAC, we welcome you and your thoughts are much appreciated here. Your opinions and ideas are all accepted and we thank you for choosing AAC as the medium for sharing it. Based from your story, you have proven to have a great wisdom, courage and openness.

 

Keep us updated and wishing you well.

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