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Not sure if I'm codependent or not......
July 3, 2011
6:39 pm
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brighteyes
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this is my first post on this type of forum.   I'll try to keep this short, but still be detailed enough to explain my dilemma.  The reason I think I may be codependent is this:  I'm 42 years old and I've never been single.  I had a very serious relationship from grade school through high school.  I know that sounds dumb - how would I know it's serious, right?  I'll get to that later.  Even after high school I consistently retained a relationship.  My longest relationship was 19 years.  I left that relationship because I just didn't love that person anymore - in the sense that you should love your partner.  I loved my partner as a friend and that was it.  I almost felt like I was taking care of her - being her mother.

 

During a reunion last summer, I reunited with my first love (the one from grade school through high school).  The connection was IMMEDIATE for both of us.  This was my incentive to leave my 19 year relationship.  So needless to say, I left that 19 year relationship and am now with the love of my life and have never been happier.  What's the problem then?  My partner doesn't need me to take care of her as my previous partner did.  From what I have read about codependency - she has "healthy boundaries".  She enjoys her job, her friends and likes to do things with those other people in her life.  As it should be.  I'm not used to that and am embarrassed to admit that.  Don't get me wrong - I enjoy spending time with my friends as well.  But for 19 years, I spent 99% of my time with my partner doing everything together. 

 

I realize that I am in a much healthier relationship and know that I want to spend the rest of my life with my partner.  We truly believe we are soulmates and have figured out that we have never stopped loving each other since we were 13 years old.  I am trying sooooo hard to to get myself to stop feeling these immature feelings of loneliness and jealously when she is not around.  I know those feelings are wrong.  I've gone through an array of strong emotions over the past year with all the changes in my life.  Am I codependent or just afraid of being abandoned?  I'm just not sure.  I'm afraid to even discuss this with my partner because I don't want her to think I'm needy or jealous all the time (which I'm not - just sometimes).  I don't want her to think she is with someone that can't control their emotions.  Embarassed

July 3, 2011
10:51 pm
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ShiningLight
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brighteyes,

 

If you're open enough to your partner or current relationship then I don't see any problem of telling the truth about your feelings and condition. Honesty is a very important factor to the growth of the relationship. That may be a sensitive matter but if your partner really loves you then she would understand and accept you more that anyone else. You might also need to consult a Therapist for your behavior so that it can help you analyze if you are really a codependent or not. It's okay to get some help.

 

Wishing you well and hope to hear from you soon.Smile

October 10, 2011
12:06 pm
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1001113003
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Hey I know it's been a while since this post. I am a newly discovered co-dependant, I have for years known something was wrong but i never knew what. Until I found Codependant No More. This book has saved my life, it points out in plan english why I am doing what I do and how. 

 

I am no expert, but I find one thing completely wrong in your post, and here it is. You state "I know those feelings are wrong." 

Nothing you ever feel is wrong, ever. This is the base of codependancy. Recognizing your feelings and dealing with them is the way you get better. It's ok to feel insecure it's not ok to be mad at her is she didn't do anything or pretend you're not feeling it. 

Healthy means honest. You have to accept that you can not control how others feel. You are NOT respoonsible for others loving you or disliking you. 

You'll notice your post is littered with I don't want here to think this or think that. Hinting that you think you somehow can control how she thinks by what you show or hide about yourself. 

 

Normal is realizing you are worth being loved and once done you will be able to love so much stronger than you ever knew. It can be an amazing transformation. 

 

Embrace your feelings, feel them and then move on. Let others feel what thye feel and accept you can't make anyone else happy but you.

October 11, 2011
9:23 pm
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ShiningLight
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You have a very good point 1001113003. The book was indeed helpful to you and it maybe a helpful guide also to everyone whose having problems with codependency. Sometimes self help tools like books are more effective than consulting a therapist. That way, you'll be able to discover the right help for your condition. And right, you were able to discover through your own very eyes the best treatment for you. Congratulations.

 

Keep the faith and continue to inspire everyone for what you have experienced.

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