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I'm not even sure where to begin
March 28, 2013
11:25 pm
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orbatrix
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March 28, 2013
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This is gonna be a long one. I'll try to lay out some intro facts:

- I'm a guy (22), attracted to other men; my parents and oldest friend (female) know this
- It is my view that heterosexuality is the norm and that homosexuality is an unnatural deviation from it; it is also my view that pornography is demeaning and, much like acting on homosexual attraction, incompatible with the life I want to lead
- I have a compulsive habit (is it fair to use the word addiction? I don't know) of masturbating to gay pornography, built over years
- I have low self-esteem in general, but specifically very low self-esteem in terms of masculinity--never felt man enough to be "one of the guys"

I found that, when I moved from high school to college and made some really great male friends, the anguish I felt at living in such conflict was lessened, and knowing that I was well liked by other males helped me somewhat in terms of my masculinity insecurity. However, that isn't the biggest issue: although it's hardly a prospect I relish, I can bear the idea of living with certain urges that I will always need to beware. (Who doesn't have to tell themselves no about some things?) What really brings me down low is the porn. With my intellect, I see other men as brothers and, like all human beings, possessed of innate dignity which demands respect. But my habitual actions, even if they don't directly injure another, are entirely inconsistent with my deepest convictions. I'm uncomfortable about my sexual attractions, but I am ASHAMED about my addiction to porn. (The fact that it's gay rather than straight really doesn't matter that much in my eyes, at least in the sense that I would be just as upset if it were straight porn.)

As I mentioned, I have told my close female friend that I'm attracted to men, and I delicately alluded to being aware of the addictive allure of pornography, but--even if she is oldest friend--I hardly wanted to go into detail with her about that. My beef now is, I want to talk to somebody about this. I feel overwhelmed by it; I know that I don't need to be chained to an addiction and surrender my free will to it, but when the urges arise it's like every belief, value, and reason in my mind evaporates, and I really don't care about anything else besides satisfying lust. I know that there exists help somewhere, but I have no idea what, specifically, to do. There's a terrible vicious cycle: my insecurity makes me nervous around other men, fearful that I won't measure up or be accepted by them, and I am simultaneously scared of and attracted to them; acting on the desire for porn makes me ashamed and acutely aware of the dissonance between who I am and the masculine man I want to be and thus drives me further away from men, as I feel alienated from them by this; well, then I retreat from them in shame and intimidation, etc. etc.

I do have some wonderful male friends, though. Sadly, I can look at those friendships and recognize, "These are guys whom I respect and see as manly, and they genuinely like to be around me," but I still have trouble convincing myself that I'm manly enough to fit in with other guys, that their affection could be real and not some form of pity; I feel fake, and I'm always tense around other guys because I'm always monitoriing myself to make sure I don't say or do the slightest thing that would reveal my shortcomings. The thing is, I KNOW that some of these guys, one in particular who springs to mind, if let in on my little secret, would respond with nothing less than compassion and true loyal friendship, even though he shares my moral outlook. The problem is, I'm just terrified at the idea of confiding that, for so many reasons: even though I KNOW he'd be my friend regardless, this addiction disgusts ME so much, that I can hardly bring myself to talk to someone else--particularly someone whom I really respect and look up to in some ways--about it; he's not aware of my attraction to men, and I would be mortified to think I was giving the wrong impression--you know, even if I'm not attracted to him and he trusted my word on that, maybe it would make some lingering suspicion or discomfort in his mind, and I would hate to put tension on our friendship; to make matters worse, while I'm not exactly attracted to him, he is an objectively attractive guy, and this lust is so out of control, really any attractive male becomes difficult to get out of my head, so I can't say with perfect honesty that I'm not attracted to him AT ALL; and finally, it sounds okay to confide in a friend when you think about it as sharing part of yourself with them and trusting them with your story, but sometimes I think it would be...I don't know, a burden of some kind? to tell him this Deep Dark Secret that no one must know about. And, while I trust in his loyalty, I admit I still fear the idea of being thought of differently by him. You know, like he'd choose to be my friend, but he'd FEEL differently about me because of knowing an ugly truth about me.

It's just such a mess. I feel like I could tackle one of those things--homosexual attractions, a porn habit, low self-esteem, masculine insecurity--but they're all so tangled up in each other, and the porn habit is truly more than a habit, it's like a monster that's dragging me down. I hate hate HATE what it's done to me, the way I can see a good-looking guy who's friendly and nice, everything's cool, and then BOOM, suddenly I'm wondering what he looks like naked, wanting to fantasize about him, be just like him, possess him in some twisted way.

All of it is just so much at odds with who I wish I were, who I really want to be. And I feel like I'm getting nowhere on my own. That's why I would even consider talking to my friend in the first place. But I'm not used to asking for emotional help from others, and this seems like such an intense, maybe overly intimate struggle to ask him to sort of share with me. And I'm not even sure what, exactly, I'd be expecting out of him. I guess...maybe what I really crave is to hear him, a real masculine, good man know my demons and tell me that I'm still worth being friends with. But still...I don't know if it's because of low self-esteem, social awkwardness, or male pride, but the idea of asking outright for validation like that seems humiliating to me. Like, I feel like I'd be embarrrassed for someone who did that, and so I don't want to do it myself...

Does any of this strike a chord with anybody?? I feel SO. ALONE in this fight. I just need some help!

March 29, 2013
7:05 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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January 18, 2012
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Orbatrix,

It must have been difficult to put to page your troubles & I can feel that your phobia of sorts is at the forefront of all your thoughts & you spend much time addressing the concern you have with it.

Having said that, I am lost as to what it is you you  really want to be?

This is the first step in my opinion.  How about you sit still and get a notebook and a pen & or even use the notepad on your computer & make a list of your goals for yourself.  I don't mean employment goals.  I am speaking of describing to yourself who you feel you are and whether you first & foremost like the person that you are after reading about all your positive and negative characteristics.  Remember this is your own personal analysis, so you do not need to gain rejection or acceptance from anyone but from yourself.

 

Remember that you are the most important person in the whole wide world, & your mission is to find out as much as possible about yourself.  It might sound entirely vain, but you are of no use to another person until you find out who the heck you are first.

 

There is no right or wrong provided you are not physically harming yourself or another.  Everyone has deep dark sides & secrets.  Do not let fear dictate your life.  So long as you are not thinking of hurting others or yourself, it would be wise to speak to someone with whom you trust to share your fears about yourself.

You might find, that if that person is truly a friend, they will not ditch you or laugh.  In fact, they might just have the courage to share something deep & dark that they have been keeping to themselves & both of you might feel a little bit better afterwards.

You can be whatever you want to be.  So far as I see it, all men watch Porn.  Now, I do not agree with people watching certain types of porn, which should not have been made to begin with, but as always, I have very little control over what humans do with their precious time.

We have within us the capacity for much goodness & sadly to say much evil.  It's up to each one of us to set the world right.  Choice, choice is our gift. 

One world, one life, one body.  Try to take care of yourself.

 

One Day

March 19, 2014
12:58 am
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Dr. Basim Elhabashy
Delray Beach
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October 10, 2013
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I think this person is really giving good advise you just try to stick with it might help you a lot.and i want to add that don't lose the hopes i think it is the worst status of your mind just don't lose your hopes.

April 28, 2014
2:44 pm
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aeocava
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April 28, 2014
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I can really feel your pain. I am not a man but I don't think it matters.n We all have our problems. The one thing I would like to share is that you need to let go of the shame and deal with the situation you are in. Shame doesn't help you. It won't be gone overnight but I like to talk to myself saying what I want to be. So few of us are perfectly happy with ourselves so you're not alone.I would do what the doctor said but you might want to go to counselling. I went when I was suicidal and even though I thought it was hopeless I went through the motions until I found my way out. It relieves you of the burden for a little while. You can tell them anything and they won't judge you or tell anyone what you say. That is liberating too. Remember they have probably heard everything under the sun and they only want to help you. Good luck and just so you know I care if you get help and I want you to be able to be free.

May 28, 2014
1:18 am
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edwardcejka
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April 28, 2014
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Mental health and Substance are directly or indirectly damaged personal life's and However, treatment is available and problems can often be
minimized by early intervention. Mental Health is most important part of society.

October 29, 2014
2:14 am
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oncologybroker12
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October 29, 2014
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The
facilities will hold up three days and after that provide for you a ring to
keep an eye on you to check whether you are feeling any better. If not, they
will have you return in for an alternate assessment.

April 1, 2015
9:27 am
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jane150
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Forum Posts: 65
Member Since:
March 10, 2015
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My Name is BULLY JANE, From USA I wish to share my testimonies with the World about what Dr Keke has just done for me ,This great man brought my lost Ex husband to me with his great spell within 24 hours. I was married to my husband JACK BULLY, we were together for a long time and we loved our self’s but when I was unable to give him a child for 2 years he left me and told me he can’t continue anymore then I was now looking for ways to get him back until a friend of mine told me about this man and gave his contact email ([email protected]) then you won’t believe this when I contacted this man on my problems he prepared and cast a very strong spell for me and bring my lost husband back within 24hrs, and after a month I missed my monthly period and went for a test and the result showed that i was pregnant. i am happy today am a mother of a baby girl, thank you once again the great Dr Keke for what you have done for me.Contact him on his private email [email protected]  if you are out there passing through any of this problems or predicaments in your life. his private website is http://greatkekespelltemple01.webs.com

1) If you want your ex back.
(2) if you always have bad dreams.
(3) You want to be promoted in your office.
(4) You want women/men to run after you.
(5) If you want a child.
(6) You want to be rich.
(7) You want to tie your husband/wife to be
yours forever.
(8) If you need financial assistance.
(9) How you been scammed and you want to recover you lost money.
(10)if you want to stop your divorce.
(11)if you want to divorce your husband.
(12)if you want your wishes to be granted.
(13) Pregnancy spell to conceive baby
(14)Guarantee you win the troubling court cases & divorce no matter how what stage
(15)Stop your marriage or relationship from breaking apart.

(16) CURE OR HIV AND OTHER VIRAL DISEASES

once again the email address is [email protected] contact him immediately or contact through his website at http://greatkekespelltemple01.webs.com
April 1, 2015
9:30 am
Avatar
jane150
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 65
Member Since:
March 10, 2015
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
My Name is BULLY JANE, From USA I wish to share my testimonies with the World about what Dr Keke has just done for me ,This great man brought my lost Ex husband to me with his great spell within 24 hours. I was married to my husband JACK BULLY, we were together for a long time and we loved our self’s but when I was unable to give him a child for 2 years he left me and told me he can’t continue anymore then I was now looking for ways to get him back until a friend of mine told me about this man and gave his contact email ([email protected]) then you won’t believe this when I contacted this man on my problems he prepared and cast a very strong spell for me and bring my lost husband back within 24hrs, and after a month I missed my monthly period and went for a test and the result showed that i was pregnant. i am happy today am a mother of a baby girl, thank you once again the great Dr Keke for what you have done for me.Contact him on his private email [email protected]  if you are out there passing through any of this problems or predicaments in your life. his private website is http://greatkekespelltemple01.webs.com

1) If you want your ex back.
(2) if you always have bad dreams.
(3) You want to be promoted in your office.
(4) You want women/men to run after you.
(5) If you want a child.
(6) You want to be rich.
(7) You want to tie your husband/wife to be
yours forever.
(8) If you need financial assistance.
(9) How you been scammed and you want to recover you lost money.
(10)if you want to stop your divorce.
(11)if you want to divorce your husband.
(12)if you want your wishes to be granted.
(13) Pregnancy spell to conceive baby
(14)Guarantee you win the troubling court cases & divorce no matter how what stage
(15)Stop your marriage or relationship from breaking apart.

(16) CURE OR HIV AND OTHER VIRAL DISEASES

once again the email address is [email protected] contact him immediately or contact through his website at http://greatkekespelltemple01.webs.com
April 19, 2015
9:22 am
Avatar
MarryJk
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
April 13, 2015
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

onedaythiswillpass said:

Orbatrix,

It must have been difficult to put to page your troubles & I can feel that your phobia of sorts is at the forefront of all your thoughts & you spend much time addressing the concern you have with it.

Having said that, I am lost as to what it is you you  really want to be?

This is the first step in my opinion.  How about you sit still and get a notebook and a pen & or even use the notepad on your computer & make a list of your goals for yourself.  I don't mean employment goals.  I am speaking of describing to yourself who you feel you are and whether you first & foremost like the person that you are after reading about all your positive and negative characteristics.  Remember this is your own personal analysis, so you do not need to gain rejection or acceptance from anyone but from yourself.

 

Remember that you are the most important person in the whole wide world, & your mission is to find out as much as possible about yourself.  It might sound entirely vain, but you are of no use to another person until you find out who the heck you are first.

 

There is no right or wrong provided you are not physically harming yourself or another.  Everyone has deep dark sides & secrets.  Do not let fear dictate your life.  So long as you are not thinking of hurting others or yourself, it would be wise to speak to someone with whom you trust to share your fears about yourself.

You might find, that if that person is truly a friend, they will not ditch you or laugh.  In fact, they might just have the courage to share something deep & dark that they have been keeping to themselves & both of you might feel a little bit better afterwards.

You can be whatever you want to be.  So far as I see it, all men watch Porn.  Now, I do not agree with people watching certain types of porn, which should not have been made to begin with, but as always, I have very little control over what humans do with their precious time.

We have within us the capacity for much goodness & sadly to say much evil.  It's up to each one of us to set the world right.  Choice, choice is our gift. 

One world, one life, one body.  Try to take care of yourself.

 

One Day


Maybe you should try online dating?
These sites currently a huge number for every taste. For example, my brother used this site - https://mymagicbrides.com/

Perhaps you'd like!

April 19, 2015
9:23 am
Avatar
MarryJk
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
April 13, 2015
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

onedaythiswillpass said:

Orbatrix,

It must have been difficult to put to page your troubles & I can feel that your phobia of sorts is at the forefront of all your thoughts & you spend much time addressing the concern you have with it.

Having said that, I am lost as to what it is you you  really want to be?

This is the first step in my opinion.  How about you sit still and get a notebook and a pen & or even use the notepad on your computer & make a list of your goals for yourself.  I don't mean employment goals.  I am speaking of describing to yourself who you feel you are and whether you first & foremost like the person that you are after reading about all your positive and negative characteristics.  Remember this is your own personal analysis, so you do not need to gain rejection or acceptance from anyone but from yourself.

 

Remember that you are the most important person in the whole wide world, & your mission is to find out as much as possible about yourself.  It might sound entirely vain, but you are of no use to another person until you find out who the heck you are first.

 

There is no right or wrong provided you are not physically harming yourself or another.  Everyone has deep dark sides & secrets.  Do not let fear dictate your life.  So long as you are not thinking of hurting others or yourself, it would be wise to speak to someone with whom you trust to share your fears about yourself.

You might find, that if that person is truly a friend, they will not ditch you or laugh.  In fact, they might just have the courage to share something deep & dark that they have been keeping to themselves & both of you might feel a little bit better afterwards.

You can be whatever you want to be.  So far as I see it, all men watch Porn.  Now, I do not agree with people watching certain types of porn, which should not have been made to begin with, but as always, I have very little control over what humans do with their precious time.

We have within us the capacity for much goodness & sadly to say much evil.  It's up to each one of us to set the world right.  Choice, choice is our gift. 

One world, one life, one body.  Try to take care of yourself.

 

One Day


Maybe you should try online dating?
These sites currently a huge number for every taste. For example, my brother used this site - https://mymagicbrides.com/

Perhaps you'd like!

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