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Codependency.. who am I?
May 14, 2011
1:32 pm
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Yell<- That's exactly how I feel. Right now I am struggling with my new found problem I didn't realize I had.. codependency! My Dr. diagnosed me with it about two months ago, but i ignored it cause I didn't think I depended on anybody but me. The bad part about it is that I always thought my codependency was actually my passion to help others, like if I could help fix an alcoholic or drug addict I'd be doing them a favor… WTF was I thinking? All I can say to myself is "Really, Danielle? REALLY?" Now I just feel as if I don't even know myself anymore. Do I actually like helping others, or do I actually just depend on them to help me hide from whatever it is I'm hiding from. I am wondering if I'm too much for my fiance, does he deserve being treated that way? Or is it more do I depend on him to help me hide from whatever because he's an alcoholic? So many questions I have no idea what to do or where to begin doing it! I've been doing so much research about it.. and my mind is blown.. there's actually a name for why I'm so crazy and I had no idea I was even that bad.

 

EDIT: Let me add that I also suffer from severe depression and when I was diagnosed with codependency.. it's because I was in a crisis care center for cutting my throat in front of my fiance. I thought I was fine.. no big deal, I lived didn't I? What is wrong with me to think that? OBVIOUSLY something serious is wrong with me.. I just don't know where to begin to fix it.

February 10, 2012
11:22 am
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MariaWade
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Danielle, I am also in the same boat as you are.  I am as extreme as you are in so many ways.  I have my good moments and I have to say moments because there hasn't been any full good days yet.  But there will be.  Where do we start? Realizing we have this issue going on with us was where you started.  You took the first step already.  

Ontop of my co-depencey issues that I realized I had after, this guy I really really like told me he didn't know if he wanted to be with me anymore. 

When this happened I was just raped, after my release from the hospital.  The guy that raped me.... raped me for about 7 hours, he was a very close friend of mine.  The thing that got me through the night until I got away was the thought of his smile.  After I spent hours in the hospital getting probed and everything else.  I called him just to hear his voice only to hear him tell me he didn't really like going out with me right now.  (oh forgot to mention my father was the first person I called when I broke free only to have  him hang up on me) SO SLAM two important men in my life, so I thought.

The guy I am dating made me aware of my co-dependency issue at that time.  I never told him I was raped.  I have been dealing with this on my own with my friends just a couple of close ones.  Also getting some counceling if you want to call it that.

The last incident opened a whole bunch of things for me.  Brought back the times I was raped before, times I just swept under the rug and went on.

Did I mention the two weeks prior to that,  My sister and my mother was in the hospital the same day, My sister bad heart, but great outcome, Mother had a stroke, the homeless Kid I took in ended up having a psychotic break and I had to take him to the hospital only to confirm he had ADD, ADHD, BIPOLAR teetering on the verge of schizophrenia and ODD.  Then that very weekend as I am telling the guy I live with I am moving, he had a brain hemorrage pretty much infront of me and what they thought was a mild stroke (he ended up in the hospital for 5 days).  So I couldn't tell anyone, family, those close to me because everyone is going through something.  During that time I was also gather food, cloths and money for my family because almost 20 of them are going through a bad time.  Really bad time.  Infact 10 minutes after I got away from being raped, I dropped food and cloths off on my sister's porch before I went to the hospital which was an hour away.

I am also a survior of sever child abuse, molestation and rape. 10 that I remember sexual assaults 3 on record with the police. I am sure you also have a story that led to where we are today, abandonment and co-dependecy issues.  

The mass majority of people that know me have no idea.  I am known for the Charity work that I do for other's, not by just a few, but few 1,000 people in my area know of me.  I have had articles written on me and what I do.  I sing for a living. Even got two of my songs on the Radio this year.

However, to the world I am a happy go lucky woman with alot of drive, to the majority of my friends I am a charitable woman that loves to do for others.  But the truth is.  I am tormented like you, I feel I am crazy and I feel guilty from hiding it.  

My last attempt at suicide was just days ago the time before that the longest stretch ever in my life.  I have been trying since the age of 4.  I have done things to myself as you have where most people would die. 

There is a reason you and I are alive Danielle.  Where do we begin?  Unfortunately the beginning.  As far back as we remember before the big one hits us, the one that is hidden so deep we don't realize it exist or its there.  I haven't faced those demons yet myself.  But I am finding my personal co-dependency began when I was so badly abused, and had no refuge or no where to run, and I was told not to tell anyone, or when I did beatings were worse, the ridicule & embarassment we face was worse sometimes than the abuse.

We try and try to forgive, we tell ourselves we forgive, we give back, we do charity work, we work our asses off, we try to be thankful for those that love us, for having what we have.  Only to still end up feeling the way we do.  Lost 🙁 and still in so much pain.  Nothing seems to work.  Sometimes not even counceling.

I have been journaling and blogging, it helps sometimes.  Because I hid from the pain all these years and I worked so hard to prove I could survive and I was strong, and didn't want to be embarrassed, seem like a freak, I wanted no ones pity (yet I unknowingly did), I became so Co-dependent my life is at a halt.  It takes alot for me to shower, get up, go to sleep, complete simple tasks.  

My cup is now empty, I realized for the first time in my life I am Angry, I am so pissed off at the world and everyone that hurt me, for those that should have protected me, they were the ones that told me to move on and hide what happened to me, to do so much charity work for others.  

My councelor wants me to face all of this pain.  I am scared as hell.  But we have to face ourselves and the horrible memories inorder for it to be laid to rest Danielle.  ALL OF IT!  Even the small things that hurt us. We have to do this to begin the grievance and healing process.  So that we can break the chain of co-dependency.  Even the strong ones like us that survive, we fall hard like what you and I did, causing more pain for ourselves and the ones we love.

Where do we begin?  At the beginning and by taking responsibility the way you have.  We weren't born like this, we were raised like this, we had no where to run, all we had was ourselves when we cried out.

We are adults, and there are people who hear us, and hear our cries.  It's not too late for us.  Just know you are not alone.  You may feel like it as I do now.  But we have to get those thoughts out of our heads.

And know the last people you can look to sometimes for help are the closest people to you, sometimes help comes in the least expected ways.

Please don't think I am comparing my life to yours, because all of our pain is all the same to me.  We are suffering so bad we just want it to end.  We are tired.  The only reason why we want to die is because we feel we can't be fixed and like you asked where do you begin.

Unfortunately for us both at the beginning, moment by moment, while we are doing this make sure you learn new coping skills.  I have enrolled myself into a yoga class, I am getting more active, taking vitamins, taking care of myself first now before anyone.

We are going to need to find healthy ways to vent when all this pain finally surfaces.

Although I feel I have nothing to give and My cup is empty, as I pray for myself I will also pray for you.

 

More over my prayer is for Peace of Mind for both of us and all that suffer like us.  There is refuge in friendship in any form even those you cannot see.

February 12, 2012
5:02 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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There was this pop star in the 80's and her and her boots are still around from time to time.  She sang "Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone".  We are born alone, fight to be born and I believe fight to stay connected somehow even though we know that deep down we are essentially alone except for perhaps our faith in something far greater in spirit than another human being.

We can learn to listen to one another.  Really stop and hear what another is trying to say.  Maybe in their sharing walk away with something we need to cope and that's it.

We can talk to each other, but in the end we must not push or pull our will upon any other person.  This is such a simple way to live, to just let go of our need to impose our own will on the life of others, but it is not easy to adhere to it.

To be human and to be alive is to be together.  Why is it so hard for us to do that without some much anguish at times?  If we are not meant in some way to depend on one another then why are we here together?

Look at all the methods we have used in the exponential growth of technology to stay connected.  Every second, every minute, every hour, everday.  It's incredible and its outstanding.  It's daunting and its terrifiying.

Animals don't speak but they live together somehow as does all of nature.  Here we are so evolved.  I have said it often and will say it again.  "If language is what defines us, then we must also be very careful to understand that it is also what can destroy us'.

 

One Day

February 17, 2012
11:17 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Shortly after I posted the above, something exceptionally tragic happened in my life.  It was sudden & it's impact will be everlasting until the day I leave this world.  I am trying really hard to find meaning in what happened, but the more I think about it, the less I do.

April 30, 2012
12:44 pm
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jordan.s
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Codependency is a major issues in many peoples lives, so don't think you are alone. However, that doesn't mean you need to deal with it until the "day you leave this world." I'm sorry to hear you had a very trafic experience in your life, and that probably proppelled you to post, but nonetheless, there are resources available to you. Whether it's help from friends or family, receive codependency treatment, or taking up other activities, you can make time to change your lifestyle, reflect upon what you like and dislike about yourself, and try and move on. Yes, it won't be easy and traumatizing events can always complicate life, but it's something you will have to live with. Hope this helps!

May 1, 2012
3:53 pm
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onedaythiswillpass
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I am unsure whether it was Shining Light or Jordan that responded to my post of February today (May 1st).  Either way thanks for the advice.  I try my best just to be myself and make my own choices everyday now.  When family or friends try to impose ideas or attempt what I call "cloning" me to benefit them, I just say no.  Sometimes they try really hard, other times me being very assertive but not aggressive helps.  They see that I am not what they want me to be, but who I am.  They may not like it, but that is too bad.  I respect them just the way they are and let them be who they are.  I have learned to do that with my children too.  I have let go of my relationships that were seriously codependent and toxic.  I do not miss these people any longer.  I have thankfully moved on.  I am not sad, angry, happy or any way about letting go.  I do not know what changed to make me see things differently, but I hope it continues and that I can keep moving forward.

 

One Day

May 31, 2012
9:14 pm
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ShiningLight
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Copendency is a serious problem. In order for you to recover from it, you need to be more serious about getting a professional help. You need to have a one-on-one sesssion with your counselor. That way proper care, treatment and advise will be given to you. Seek the support from your family and friends as they can also help you. Be strong and keep fighting.

June 22, 2012
2:59 pm
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jordan.s
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I am unsure whether it was Shining Light or Jordan that responded to my post of February today (May 1st).  Either way thanks for the advice.  I try my best just to be myself and make my own choices everyday now.  When family or friends try to impose ideas or attempt what I call "cloning" me to benefit them, I just say no.  Sometimes they try really hard, other times me being very assertive but not aggressive helps.  They see that I am not what they want me to be, but who I am.  They may not like it, but that is too bad.  I respect them just the way they are and let them be who they are.  I have learned to do that with my children too.  I have let go of my relationships that were seriously codependent and toxic.  I do not miss these people any longer.  I have thankfully moved on.  I am not sad, angry, happy or any way about letting go.  I do not know what changed to make me see things differently, but I hope it continues and that I can keep moving forward.

 

One Day

No problem. Glad we can help and I'm hopeful the advice actually helps in your recovery. I'm glad to hear you are able to resist your family or friends when they try and use you to benefit them. Even with their strong push to influence you, but as they realize more and more that you are not what they want you to be they should give up and accept who you are. It's so great you are using these experiences to your advantage, apply your learning to your children, and are no longer codependent.

June 25, 2014
11:10 am
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tarahammer2002
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I am new here.  I recently got out of a narcissistic relationship a few months ago, and am realizing more and more after reading about narcissism that they are attracted to codependents.  I hate to admit to myself that I have this problem, but I know by admitting it and dealing with it head on, will help me to overcome it in the long run.  I don't want to be alone, and the thought of wanting to find someone to share my life with keeps hitting me over and over again.  I have a wonderful sister that I talk to regarding this, and my new really good friend that I met, and also a good friend that lives in California said that I need to avoid men like the plague right now.  It is so hard to do that right now, because I am desperately wanting to connect with a man right now, I miss having someone to give me the attention you get when you're in a relationship with someone.  I thought I had a pretty good relationship with my ex-fiance, but finally realized after getting hints from a friend of mine, and just seeing and hearing things that didn't add up, that I needed to get out, so I did, though it was hard, but I know it was the right thing to do, because now I'm not seeing the man I fell in love with anymore.  I now see a monster, who only cares about himself, and he doesn't ask me how I am doing at all, he actually avoids me because I recently "unmasked him" and told him I know exactly who he is now, and I feel sorry for him and that this new girl in his life will eventually see what he's doing to her like he's done to me, and she'll leave him too.  He recently told me after the way I spoke to him "abusively" and all, that he isn't going to be around me, or talk to me.  The problem with that is, we have a 22-month-old son together, and that's the only thing keeping up connected, otherwise, I'd totally stop contacting him, because I am tired of the abuse, the games, and the manipulation that he keeps inflicting on me.  It's extremely hard to be in this position, as I don't always know how I am enduring this torment, but I do pray and go to church and I truly believe God will get me through.  But I need support, I need to speak to others that have gone through this, and are going through this, because it definitely helps to talk about it.  I did sign up for therapy, but I am also interested in getting involved in an online counseling group as well.  If anyone is up for connecting regarding this, and wants to make new friendships, I'm all for that!

October 30, 2014
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