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Wife Insists on Maintaining Friendship with Former Lover
October 28, 2013
7:57 am
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Joe Don
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My wife has a friend who is also married. They grew very close and she used the excuse that I was "too busy" and she had to "fill the time with someone." (This was during a time when my business required me to work nearly every weekend for two months - four of those weekends were out of town. I was home every evening during the week.)

 

The friendship grew to near continual contact. Facebook chat. Text messages. Multiple daily calls. Lunches during the day. Shopping together while I was at work.

 

After about six months, it became physical and they shared some kissing/snuggling time. There was a point of "feeling up" as she mentioned that "nipples were played with". 

 

The spouse of the "friend" exploded and made threats against my wife, me (for "allowing" it) and even against our children. They (my wife and her friend) insisted on keeping the friendship alive. They "worked hard to keep it friendly" -- but they "fell" a few times and ended up in makeout sessions. 

 

Last year at this time, I found her phone in the bathroom, it had just received a text, so it lit up and I looked at it. (I generally try not to "eavesdrop" on my wife's phone.) The message was a very graphic message about what the "friend" wanted to do with my wife. So, I looked back through the history and found this was a long-time discussion that had been going on for over a week where the would send these lurid messages to each other.

 

I confronted my wife. She said it was "safe, harmless fun". I told it was unacceptable. It had to stop. I told her she had to make a choice between me or the "friend". The friendship had to end.  At first, she said she would.  But, when she felt she was "secure" again, she started revealing more and more of her contact with the "friend" - and we're back to where we were last year.  They are in constant contact, I have no idea what is being said because I'm afraid to even go and look.

 

She claims she is committed to me and wants out marriage to continue.  We have a passel of young children. 

 

I have no trust in her. For all I know they are sexing it up at every opportunity. I'm beyond caring. I feel completely trapped in a life that hurts so badly that I've stopped caring.

 

We talked last night - she asked me why I seemd so distant. I told her it was because I had walls up to protect my heart because I hurt so badly. At first she seemed concerned for my hurts - but when she found out it was about this "friend" then she backpedaled and told me how "we're being good" and "we only meet in public places where we won't be tempted" and that she was unwilling to end the friendship. 

 

I don't know what to do.

October 29, 2013
2:50 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Go to a lawyer & apply for separation.  That is what you should do.  Move on with your life.  If you love your children, try to take them with you.  I am assuming you have never cheated on your wife.  Please write back to tell me that my assumption is correct.

 

One Day

October 29, 2013
7:50 am
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This man is not your wifes "former Lover" he is her currrent one. Your wife has told you that her loyalty is to this man and there is nothing you can do about that. The only thing you can do is decide if you want to continue being involved in a "brother husband" (opposite of sister wives) type of arrangement or not.

October 31, 2013
11:04 am
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Joe Don
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OneDayThisWillPass: I did not cheat on my wife. 

 

Would it change anyone's advice to learn that the friend is female? 

 

And my wife claims that she is "committed" to me and to our relationship - yet when I ask her to give up this friendship, she steadfastly and adamantly refuses.

November 1, 2013
3:40 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Joe Don,

please accept my apology for assuming that the friend was male.  Having said that, it really does not change that both emotionally & physically your wife has cheated.  I believe you if you say you did not cheat & I was not making any acquisations pertaining to your behaviour.

 

Good Luck.

P.S. - in a hypothetical situation if the tables were turned & you had cheated both physically and emotionally with another man, would you expect your wife to disregard the situation & allow you to continue the relationship with another man & stay married to her?

 

Give this some thought.

 

One Day

November 5, 2013
8:41 am
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Joe Don
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We had a long conversation last night where I told her just how serious this was. I told her that I can't be intimate with her while she still has the friendship. I also told her that we were heading toward a divorce if the situation could not be resolved. 

 

She still insisted on maintaining the friendship and even said,"What was the point of working so hard not to fall (her word for becoming intimate with her friend)?"

 

She said she only turned to her friend because I wasn't there and asked me not to take away intimacy, but to give her *more* intimacy, so that she didn't feel like she needed her friend.  *sigh*  It still hurts me to be intimate with her. Like a knife in my heart. Every sigh and every response that she makes twists in my head that she's wishing it was her friend.

 

Still, my love for her is stronger than anything else and I want our relationship to be restored. I'm doing everything I can to restore it.

 

Hoping that our talk last night is the catalyst to restoration...

November 6, 2013
4:42 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Joe Don,

I think we need to take this back in time in your mind & hers for a bit.  Maybe the topic for conversation should focus on how the intimacy was "suspended" or lost during the time you were away.  It's difficult to sustain a romantic kind of relationship without intimacy & even though it does not exuse what she did during the time you were away, maybe you should start to listen to some of what she is saying today about how lonely she still feels without the intimacy that you & her once shared.  You might need to express your disdain at the psychological impact of the knowledge of her "friendship with benefits" current status.  Again, you have & are still being cheated on.  If you want to, take the time to tell her how sorry you are for not being there for her during those long work days & make it clear that you feel that the two of you can work through this and regain the lost intimacy in your marriage, but that if she wants you to try to do that, that she will need to honestly say goodbye to her girlfriend.

For all you know or we know, your wife might actually prefer a same sex union & she never really had the chance to experiment with this at  a younger age.

These are issues she must address with a counsellor and herself & she needs to make a decision for the sake of you & the sake of the marriage.  In my opinion, there are many kinds of love, but the love that comes between two people that involves intimate physical contact should be limited to those two people alone.  The trust & level of honesty should never be comprimised or taken for granted.  It is a sacred bond, particularly if vows were made.

It's never o.k. to cheat & it's never o.k. to think that the other person will not find out.  This is just self deception.

My world is One person with One person for intimate love relationships.

 

One Day

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