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To my Bird - I have thought out my position and I am stating it here for all to see.
July 14, 2013
5:19 am
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used2abuse
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July 11, 2013
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For Bird..
Where am I? I am here. I can tell I am here. I can tell I am here because I have all the evidence to prove I am here. I am the experience of my experience, the living of my living, the light of my light. I am an all-seeing, all-loving, beautiful ball of light. I am light. I am all that is good, all that is knowing, more than my wildest dreams. I am beyond the simple plane I trudged on before, I have stepped up and not down. I prefer to see my end to my end. Not to project it at other people to see and take notes. They see me by choice, I am no illusion.
I make what I make my own. I am no bigger than you, I am exactly the same size. I bounce as high as you, I fly just as fast as you and I grow just as large as you. Because confusing those terms is so easy, I make them into analogies.  As in Large; to me means a never-ending growing thing that has no bounds on its mass and there are nothing like restraints to keep it back. There are no walls, I cannot be bound. I will not be caged. I will do my best to free any and all that I see caged and I swear that to myself first so I don't forget.
I make the choices I make because I want to live my life to the fullest I can not and will not settle for less. I make my promises to be kept, not be broken. I stick to my word, even though I stray far from it - so far that truth bends and the falseness is revealed. The falseness is what we avoid at all costs - making demands on our love is unthinkable. There is nothing I wish to share with you except my pure love. If you can't understand it as that and that only, then I haven't explained it well enough. Nothing more, nothing less. Pushing my hat forward I dive in for another attempt. I am sorry for the holes in your heart my love, I can't fill them with the same things that made them, because that would be false. I must fill your heart with my compassion and I will stand in a better hue and light.
Everything goes both ways, everything has its negative. There is nothing in the Universe that can keep two atoms together, or apart. There's is nothing that can split an atom, as we know it, that doesn't totally get decimated by the very act. The Hadron Collider says different - as we say "As Above - As Below" either we mean it or we truly don't understand the never-ending, ever expanding Universe we populate.
We came together as two atoms swirling around each other as if brought there by chance with a purpose. Serendipidy we thought as we spun ever faster. Faint yellows sparked off our core, then in a nano-instant deep bright orange bursts suddenly became radiant red. We recognized our creation and we were content - we smiled insanely at each other as we came closer together, the point of no return is what is required to make the scenario complete. The point of infinity - we have melded and become one and nothing all at once. We revel in the glory of being weightless, free from our staring glances and deafened earholes. 
At that point there's nothing we HAVE to do - there's only what we choose to do. The math and energy is simple - control the other and you will lose control. We are not to be controlled - we are pure energy and light - - I looked again and was so proud of my creation! BAM! I split from my other atom and shot back out into space...
Separated by the laws of nature, my pride triggered an ecliptic disaster - we scream along our newly formed path. Not for our sheer joy, but terror and fear. As Above, As Below we are rightfully thinking "this pride I have to drop immediately! I have no fear when I face my own conviction because I see and take ownership of my faults and decide whether to work on them or not. They don't HAVE to change in a split second, but sometimes they do. They are ALWAYS there until I address them, there is no escaping my worst critic, me. Hmm... there's a flaw in that logic.
The only thing that is important is to recognize my faults and take the right action. Not to fix it, not to patch it, not for someone, not for fame. It cannot smack of tar and asphalt like a freshly patched pothole I have already forgotten about not giving it a new name. By any other name it is still a fault. The facts are stated - I took a step toward my recovery and I am instantly rewarded. Do I make any change because I will be rewarded? Prepare for the next round of suffering, it's gonna be great.
Judge is a word that belongs with all the other forms of fear and tyranny we have been forced to accept. Dumbed down by the very things we protest, stricken numb by the loves we detest. In all my ugliness and in all my failures the best thing about me is that I move forward. With reckless abandon and I am not sorry. I am convoluted and vague, yet I take my life so seriously I state it as only I can see fit. I will never be oppressed into levity, I will explain my position, my very fucking GPS coordinates down to the 1000th of an inch granularity. I am that small - my ego has diminished, but I keep smashing into things!
I am a ball of light, As Above, As Below, I need to stick to the very unsure nature of what I created, it's me. There is no right and wrong Bird, there's attaching to oneself's pain and getting stuck if we are existing there, allowing the evil to feed on our negative emotion. Bird we are surrounded by enemies that wish to feed off our light. Our pain and emotion is their form of Mana - but they must stay hidden or deceive us of their presence because that's how parasites exist.
How would you know if you have a parasite on you? Or in you? Bird, you being of medical and logical mind, you know that certain anomalies manifest where the person exhibits loss in something critical or crucial that is a definite threat to their existence if they do not rid themselves of it and completely purge and cleanse without a trace. It will ALWAYS be lodged at it's hosts location when it finally lands there. If gone unchecked, this will more than likely grow and could multiply - if multiplication happens within the host, it often consumes the host UNTIL IT IS CAUGHT or too late. A terrible and pathetic way to go - with vampire teeth snapping at my femoral artery = I must make this completely and forever contained (not hopefully, but actually doing it).
Bird, I have shed my parasitic enemies of mind and temple. I am going to tell you how I did it the best I can. You have been the impetus of my ever-changing ballistic circus we call my mind, I'm not ashamed, it IS a good show!
I love you Raina?
Last night I asked myself that question and I ran into a maze of amazement. I was suddenly presented with so many different ways to say yes and ways to say no. I could tell the difference between yes and no and I was interested in going through the maze instead of answering that question immediately - there were SO many different ways of saying yes, and saying no, that I thought "I must shop out the absolute best one - its obvious, the best one has no price. I already answered that question long ago. I wasn't understanding why I had to answer it again, it's a moot point if bird keeps asking the same question and I give the same answer, so of course; expect it to be modified so I can present it to you - the prior version didn't get its point across. Faulty programming I grumble as I reinsert the disk. 
I traveled to the deeper darker innards of this maze. In the middle I can hear you, you were crying out my name. But I could also hear an echo from outside this maze that sounded deceptively like you. Fainter, and a little scratchier, with a distinct reverb collapsing to a pleasant single tone. The way it faded was indicative of its actual size. But the bird in the middle is so familiar, I will go toward the one I know. Time flashed before us as a digital display of 00:00:00.0000 - so high and far above us we obviously could both see it. I thought about that for a nano-instant and knew I couldn't say what you are doing if I can't see what you are doing. Or can I sense what you're doing because my heart is in tune with yours? While alive our frequencies mesh and modulate with other, in fractured chaos to harmonic bliss.
 
My quest went on forever where did I turn wrong? I was lost in this maze and it was quickly capitulating the day to the night to an inky kind of dark. I could still hear you distinctly, I knew "where" you were but I couldn't make my way through the brambles and brush at night, could I? I couldn't see enough to make a wise choice. I thought about just thrashing on, but it became apparent that you were where you were, you weren't going to move, or you at least hadn't since I first heard you. I knew because my navigation is flawless - it's like a gyroscopic compass spinning freely in space. There are no directions, only possibilities - East West North South is way too vague and 2D.
My alert state is  honed, I am well versed in most if not all terrain. Especially the tesseract and the fourth dimen.... Spoke too quick and put my foot in my mouth - this place was different - this place wasn't mine. I was making my way through a maze of amazement; As Above As Below, this place definitely may kill me for my true love - I must pay attention... oh I get it, I must go through the sacrificial culling of souls if I am to make any final decision. Fuck! This was just a simple yes or no question! Do I love Raina? Well yes... BAM! Daylight floods into my heart and soul - I gasp and attempt to brace myself from a sheer tsunami of energy crashing into me... As Above As Below, I quickly absorb all the lessons and experiences and my moment is caught in an epiphany.
Wait a second! I didn't finish my sentence! Do I Love Raina? Well, yes... Of course I Love My... SNAP! I am thrust back to the dark.
It's foreboding here and the sulfur burns my nostrils, I am not familiar yet again with this terrain. Darkness.
Darkness...
Darkness cannot be my enemy - as in I may use it, but not too much; to float undetected through the swarming and thrashing turbulent bunkers, teeming with the very elements that wish to steal our water, eat our food and throw up our wine - "if you move forward right now, you will never make a difference" I am whispered to in my left ear... I slump back in my seat I am back in the office. "you will be devoured and nothing will be answered, thus nothing evolves. You have lost - just admit it, and everything will be just fine." I slow down to a crawl, I have lost my Bird. I lost me and I lost. This loss is a debit system that holds me hostage and threatens Bird yet she is poised to fly.
Drop everything... Bird, who is the bastard that insists you stop growing? Show me that bastard and we may sketch out a game plan on how to escape him. The troll under the bridge stirs - he's uneasy. He knows his days of harassment are over and he must find a new place to stalk. The troll calculates the risk/cost/return ratio and leaves for a better place. Instantly the troll bursts into nothingness, all his hangups with him, like a firework exploding backward, into nothingness and space. "Fuck fish" I chuckle to myself and I hear a giggle. Someone is holding my hand.
This tune plays in my head that has a distinct pedal tone. I hear the tone come into focus in the middle of my head. Louder, the sacred geometry of circles assemble and effortlessly form a fibonacci spiral. One like I have never seen. Glorious cascades of light and energy zoom all around me. This appears to have Mandelbrot and the Bayesian signatures, computed and displayed in 16mil CMYK light. Not RGB, It's inferior because the color gamut falls short - it is what ruins a picture when trying to paint - within the confines of lines. What if I color outside the lines? Bird can I color anything for you? Anything at all? I would like to paint you a picture of my heart... but my hand is shaky and I lose my grip on my brush. It falls from my hand and tumbles skyward. I look up at you in shattered horror, tears streaming from my entire face. I look at your smiling image and feel warmth. I hope I am seeing what I am seeing because it is the angel that I was so eager to see. I forget about your painting to stand up and meet my angel - "My name is David, I am pleased to meet you once again." I blurt it out like a schoolboy choking on a wad of gum while trying to hide it from the teacher. Strictly forbidden, that.
The light cracks in half, then in fourths, then in eight pieces of a mirrored reflection of my soul - 16 32 64 128 256 512 1024 2048 4096 8192... on and on until the google petaflops return the final decision - 0. Wait a minute! I didn't choose 0, but here it is in front of me, printed on this punch card. I am chastised for my selecting 0, i chose 0 didn't? Not 1? This technology is so old it didn't even evolve beyond the actual punch card being punched. OK, I am privy to the computer virus; I can tell when output isn't as expected. I say 1 to something I expect 1 in return, not 0! This must be a manageable anomaly, I will be right back to my simulation after I fix this bug. Eons fly by, with no release of my simulation planned - it has been put on hold - wait more like terminated, according to Quality Control. I receive a report from a field agent who says that they think I am dead and are in the process of closing my file. 
"Ohhhhhh, Really?" I smirk as I rise from my broken frame and sit prone in an invisible saddle. It bucks and snorts and I snap back my neck so my head can follow my spine which follows the buck. No late reaction, totally fluid and with it. The numbers will serve me well today I think, when Bird is a 1 or a 0, I have lost it all. Bird is so much more dynamic than that. Bird, as I understand you - you are pure light and energy. We ALL are. We are here for a purpose my love, there are a trillion trillion billion eleventy million lit tunnels we can travel through, and each one them are part of us. It is open for chance or an educated guess. How is a guess "educated"? Isn't a guess a guess - educated or not? Wouldn't that be the same as chance?
I kept vigil at night and I turned for the light to return at the turn of the day. The light didn't return. It didn't come back and I knew it because the usual time frame as we know it had already passed. My inner clock rang, down to the second - I snapped awake and when I did I was an atom once again, tearing through the Universe a million miles a second. I bounce off anything I wish to be in front of me I swirl and I veer out of control. I warp and destroy any container a third party has designated for me. I am an entity in a constant state of vertigo, the feeling of forever falling into an empty void is what I have created. I've learned to actually enjoy the unsteadiness and falling is fleeting, so don't worry - if you decide to try it, listen to a person of experience - it'll pass, I'll play you they way.
* There's nothing like a codependent atom, it's physically impossible *
Come on David! Don't you get it? No, I don't get it. OK? I fucking don't get it.... The music, the numbers, the colors all mish mash into a tediously vociferous litany, but tightly packed. Packed tight enough one could grab it and throw it away, I think to to myself - "do it". Grasping hold of the shattered pieces of my soul, the music fades in slowly till a cacophony arrives. While  I explode back to nothing and everything the question is asked:
Do I love Raina? 
Yes I do.
I do.
Yes.
What do you mean that wasn't the question? Do I love myself?
...Yes.
August 18, 2013
2:15 pm
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birdiewings
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August 18, 2013
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With such brilliant, bleeding transcendence you illuminate your choice and your humanity.  It takes strength in compassion to observe oneself naked in the bright light of their own soul.  Romance fades when illusion is defined.  Through this perspective, projection becomes a personal project, rather than an imposition.

I respect your choice and your answer.

Just like the bird, who upon its creation complained obliviously about the weighted burden of its wings, she could not see the bigger picture, she could not taste the sky.  Once the intended purpose of her wings was learned, her burden was lifted, she could rise up.  She was able to use this knowledge and tools to carry herself to soar above the storm, to see a more universal perspective.

The "large"-er her wing span, the more elaborately her mind creates the cage.  Unbeknownst to her, she is trapped in her own, self-imposed safety net.  This bird has once before suffered great harm.  Sadly, she sees the only way to protect herself from others is to be still and missing, hiding within the darkness of her past survival.  

"Please let our love be gentle and patient," she whispers in the dark.  She is afraid to be fragile, broken, human.  She is afraid to be judged and disected by her love.  Silently, she is molting in the dark.  She fears she is lost. (At times, we all get lost.) 

Bird is afraid she will be unheard and alone in her darkness.  

So, tearfully, she whispers to you.

If you have ever spent a clear night in the darkness of the country, you would be able to see a million billion stars, the milky-ness of the Milky Way.  It is true love, a grand compliment, a gesture of hope and surrender, to be the star she calls to and wishes upon.  She can see your light, your brightness.  

Yet she fears he will not connect.  

Smaller than a grain of sand, we are all mere star dust or alien dust mites.  We are this small and yet, we live in two places at once.  Yin Yang...  Even through purging or exorcism, there will always be some darkness in the light and some light in the darkness.  It is a balancing dance.  

Covalency seems to be the happiest dance of love.  It is the dance which celebrates the bond between the two.  It is sharing. It is a elemental proponent of mature love.  It is creative without destruction.  It is passionate and compassionate.       

Compassion is a floating device for our drowning hole-ly lover's soul.  (Compassion is the way we help ourselves too.) We use it to help her/him/self float along as she/he/one heals her/his self.  Compassion is most beautiful when it is reciprocated out of pure love.

The more holes we have, the more acceptance we need.  Understanding, acceptance, compassion and nuturance are antiseptic for the soul.     

As we build a love surrounded by a healthy labryinth of hedges, we should remember love is a compromise.  Love is work. for both you and your equal, your queen.   

Codependency and its tornadic dance can improve.  We can heal.  I hope you heal David.  

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