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"They're just friends"; and I'm just angry.
August 1, 2015
7:49 pm
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Roxilynn
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August 1, 2015
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My partner and I have been together for a few years now, and we plan to get married as soon as finances allow. Our relationship is blessed with harmony and joy in all except one aspect.

My soon-to-be husband has a specific circle of friends online that consistently engage in sexual roleplays and non-stop flirting. He has had two online lovers already from within this community, who were very emotionally involved and had deep relationships with my partner. He quit with them after we started dating and I had explained that these online lovers (with deep relationships) were cheating.

My partner's roleplays with his friends usually involve things I am not personally interested in, but have tried. Others are simply things he has not requested of me, or things we do but he still roleplays with others. He insists these things are not intended to build romantic relationships, and that within this circle these kinds of sexual encounters are friendly, and more like acting or storytelling. I don't know if his friends feel the same way. I know his previous two lovers did not. As for the current frequent roleplayers, they know he is engaged. I have to assume that they don't seek a lasting or deep relationship with him.

I have tried asking him not to role play with his friends. I explained that his behaviour hurts me, and feels like a string of affairs. I have changed so much for this relationship, trying to fulfill his needs and desires, supporting him in his quirks and eccentricities. I could handle anything else, but not this unfaithfulness. He did not stop role-playing with his friends. Maybe for a little while, but eventually, he was just doing it again behind my back. I found out, and thought maybe if he just told me about them openly or included me (letting me read or participate), I could come to accept this behviour without resentment. I was never included. He asked my permission a couple times (as if it would matter what I wanted). Then he was right back to doing as he wished behind my back.

Now, I just assume he's always role-playing. I assume every new online friend he makes is another lover, and every conversation he has online is sexual in nature. I have told him, "Fine, whatever, you're going to do it anyway, go for it." I feel that if he could stop, he would have, back when our relationship still depended on him refraining from these sexual roleplays. Even after being told about these roleplays occaisionally, and knowing that they happen behind my back, I always feel angry and betrayed. I always want to lash out verbally, make him feel guilty, or worse; sometimes I want to threaten to leave.

I know I should just accept that his behaviour will not change. I have promised to accept him, and love him. I have put so much into this relationship. How do I stay strong? How do I control my anger and resentment when I am constantly feeling bombarded by his ongoing infidelity?

August 5, 2015
12:26 pm
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candlewood
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August 5, 2015
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I have kind of a similar issue with my husband. We are very open sexually and very compatible sexually. But he still finds the need to go online and chat with people. We have some online profiles on swinger sites and he will be searching for another man to join us (which we have done a couple of times and both enjoy). I felt that he was spending too much time on it and asked him to include me when he did this so we could both get enjoyment out of it. He agreed. But six months later he was continually going on behind my back as well. I really feel he has some type of addiction and I am not sure where to go with this either. Ours escalated into more and I'm still not sure if I should stay with him. He swears to include me in everything from now on...but he said he wouldn't do it anymore six months ago. I too feel like it's cheating and am not comfortable with it. Don't know what to do.

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