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sex causing problems
July 10, 2013
12:03 pm
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young and married
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Hello, I need some insight to my marriage.Im 18 and my husband is 21.Weve been married for 4 months and together for almost 4 years.We are young and it's not they we don't have a good relationship,but being so young and new at this I need advice.My husband does not initiate sex much anymore.He is my first and only partner,although he's had quite a few.Thus,I can see sex may be getting boring for him.We started having sex about 6 months after dating.At this time he took it whenever he could get it,as did I.Howver, for about 6-8 months its been decreasing.We have sex 1-3 times a week.Also,oral sex happens for him a lot more than its given to me.Ive said that the decrease bothers me but he replys that he's tired and its because we both work so much..But he's young shouldn't his sex drive still be high?Im confused here.I know he watches some porn,and some we watch together.Weve talked about the possibility of a threesome to mix things up..I suppose I just want to know if this change is legitimately because he is tired and worn out or something else?I do not think he is cheating at all..I don't get it.And when we do have sex I'm usually the one to initiate it.Am I the unusual one wanting so more sex or what?Help please?

July 10, 2013
12:46 pm
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onedaythiswillpass
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Dear Young & Married:

this is a tough one & I think I know exactly how you feel.  What I am going to suggest, is only a suggestion & please don't figure that if you do these things, that the sex will improve because truly it's impossible for me to know what your husband is going through.

I am sure that you can remember back to when you guys first met.  Probably it was really wonderful & likely it stayed that way for a long while.  I hate to make this comparison, but I am going to do it.  When you buy a new broom, it works really well and the old one just lost its lustre and would not sweep the dirt away anymore.  So gradually you stopped using it & eventually you threw it out & got a new one.

Relationships are usually smooth sailing until the honeymoon phase is over.  Now for you to want sex more than he does is not your fault at all, for you to want all the sexual pleasure that he used to give you is also not your fault.  Do not feel bad about wanting to have lots of sex.  There is nothing wrong with you as long as it is only your husband that you desire.

The only way though for you to see if things will change is to stop initiating sex altogether.  I know it's backwards.  I am not saying "play hard to get".  I am saying to try to focus on something good and nice for yourself and stop waiting for your husband to approach you for sex.  Get involved in something like a hobby that keeps you at home and around, but make a concerted effort to not approach him.

Do this for at least two full weeks.  If & when he does initiate sex, let him take the entire lead & tell him & show him exactly what you are craving.  Also return with your heart what pleases him.

 

Should your husband not initiate at all, I am sorry to say that you may need to seek the help of a marriage counsellor who deals with sexual issues.  Something is not right in your marriage.  Do not attempt to entice him into having sex with the help of another woman around.  I mean unless you are bisexual and you enjoy that kind of thing. 

In my opinion watching porn together is fine.  In fact since he is your only partner maybe you could watch some porn on your own when he is not home & learn some stuff you might not yet know.  Plus you could buy a vibrator and take care of yourself until you guys figure out what the trouble is.

It's hard to know what is going on in another person's mind unless they are being honest.  I hope over time he explains why he is being anti-sex and not initiating.  You guys are young so no matter what the reason, you have much time to try to make it better.

 

One Day

July 10, 2013
6:21 pm
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young and married
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Thank you, that makes sense to me. I will try letting him come to me. Perhaps I just need more patience. It's so confusing because the media makes men out to be the ones who want sex and want it often, which makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. even so, I will follow your advice thoroughly and let you know how it goes.

July 11, 2013
6:34 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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There is nothing wrong with you.  Don't even go down that path.  Forget what the media tells you.  Start doing what you want to do for yourself.  Try not to focus on him not giving you what you rightfully deserve.  You are his wife, this should not be you begging for his attention.  I hope when he sees that he is not the focus of your life, he will come to understand your worth, and wake up and start paying you the attention you deserve.  If not, then you might either ask him to go with you for help, or just get help yourself to figure out what you want to do next.

 

One day

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