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Please help me, I am desperate for your thoughts
September 19, 2014
9:09 pm
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copland3
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September 19, 2014
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My wife and I have been married for 20 years.  We have always had problems, and both have been to blame.  For me, I unfortunately have caused problems with trying to avoid conflicts and turned out being passive aggressive for a number of years with silent treatment after being hurt but not wanting to get a fight started.  I have for many years been clueless about the bills and have relied on her to keep everything organized, which she is exceptionally an organized person.  On the flip side I do credit myself with being very devoted to trying to be the best husband and father that I can be, and have made her and my son my highest priority and have sacrificed my wants for them.  I feel that I am a very romantic person.  I also feel that I am making great improvement on my faults and I am working hard to reverse it  And I am an introvert who is not the life of the party and avoids crowds for any large amounts of time.  I love my time of solitude.

She has some issues herself, for she for many years had a chip on her shoulder due to a pathetic step father, and she has had existing barriers that has hindered us in our relationship because of that baggage.  She is very controlling, and for years has had major mood issues.  For years she would always snap my head off at the drop of a hat, and has threatened divorce many times over the years.  Me and her have very little in common, but we have managed to stay together and work things out.  She is a very sarcastic person, and I feel like I have been constantly mocked and belittled for years, and have been a target of mockery for our whole marriage, especially when she is with her friends and coworkers (who most of them have had failed marriages), and I feel that negative bashing outside of the home has effected her behavior when she is around me.  But to her credit she is a wonderful person.  She is very smart and also the most organized person I have ever met.  She has improved very well concerning the snapping at me and my son, in which I am proud of her for turning that around the way she has. 

We have been through lots of stress over the past 5 yers.  Our son attempted suicide a couple of times.  Her mom moved in with us, which I will explain below, and my wife has had some medical issues that resulted in hospital stays.  Between thousands of dollars for my son's therapy, which is working, and the huge expense of her mom, and the medical bills, we have recently filed for bankruptcy.

Our last major rift was when her mother left that worthless husband, and we moved her in with us, in which I thought would last a few months until we got her a place.  But she ended up being with us for 3 years.  She didnt drive, so I ended up being her taxi driver.  Her presence in our home effected many things that we did as a family, causing us to move bedrooms around.  She stayed in our house almost 24/7, and she was very loud and followed me around and I never could get any privacy.  Even family vacations we had to take her mom.  I was about to go crazy because I felt like I lost my home.  My wife finally decided that her mom would be with us for good.  I finally couldnt handle it any longer, I got to a point where I could have moved into a cardboard box and been happier.  I was afraid to confront my wife because everytime I ever did she would explode and threaten divorce, so my resentment grew and I finally got to a point where I was checked out.  We had a fight started and she mentioned divorce, and I finally just released all my feelings and told her I wanted a divorce because I couldnt live like that anymore.  Well, she was so devistated that she got so angered that she basically checked out too.  She moved her mom out into an apartment.  We got an appointment for a lawyer to file for divorce, and while on our way to it I got scared and talked her into cancelling it. 

But after that I decided to try to work on it.  And to be honest I feel she didnt want to be with me but didnt want to be viewed as the one forceing the marriage.  For months she appeared to want to work on it, but never could get that feeling back.  It was so stressful because when I felt like we made a step forward then she would take us a few steps back.  I really think that she was getting negative counsel from coworkers, because once she was off for the summer at her teaching job, she became a different person, and seemed revived and ready to work on it, we made so much progress.  But I have noticed that since she is back to work she has taken another fall back because her behavior is changing again, and she has given me the vibe that she is planning on breaking it off once we get some financial things worked out.

I do want to mention that our affectionate time completely disappeared for nearly a year, and then moved up to about every 6 months, and lately about once a month or so.  I dont feel like she is attracted to me at all, not because of my looks, but because emotionally.  She is so unaffectionate that my son even notices that we rarely kiss or even touch.  Its not because I dont want to, but she is distant.

So my point in this is that I feel like we have grown apart, and no matter how much I try to pamper her and even improve on my own faults, I feel like her mind is made up and she has an exit plan.  I know that this is a long post, but hopefully someone or others will take the time to analyze this and share their thoughts.  I am scared that my fears are going to prove to be legit.

September 20, 2014
5:03 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Well, it sounds like the entire family has been through many changes and hardships.  I must first tell you that I don't quite understand all of the issues clearly because I am still not clear if your son was birthed by your wife  or another mother?  You mentioned that your wife's mother now lives with all of you, but at some point in the post you called your son "my son" & you mentioned something about "his mother" would come to stay, but then you used the words "our son", so is he both your biological child and the biological child of your wife?

The only advice I can offer is perhaps not to jump from marriage straight to divorce & better still while I understand that there are huge financial struggles, perhaps sometime alone & away from all of these troubles might help to give you some perspective and give you a clear mind to make some decisions.

If your wife decides that she does not want to slow down the process & if she demands that you break up, then that is what you will be facing unless she also takes time to step away from the obstacles prior to making that decision.

No matter what happens, you should not be afraid of whatever happens next.  While it might not be easy on many levels, it is not something to fear.  Relationships change for many reasons & we can't always make them last for whatever reasons.  The void of being alone might seem scary, but sometimes it's necessary.

All you can do is try to be yourself during this turmoil & hope for the best.  Whatever happens, you will be o.k.

 

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