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Please Help Me.
July 18, 2012
8:46 pm
New Member
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
July 18, 2012
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I believe that age doesn't matter, its just a number. I was introduced to my Husband through mutual friends who belong to a roller skating group aged 16 and up, that we are in. I begged him to date me and he said that Our age difference would be a problem. After a while and with everyone telling him he would be crazy not to, He said we could date on two conditions. #1 only if my Dad, Mom, and Grandma agreed with it, and #2 that We would never lie about Our ages. We began dating. He being a clean and moral guy had issues with my past and this caused him to be a ass and we fought. At 18 I Married my Husband of 29. We had Kids 1 1/2 years apart, and I breast fed them until the weened themselves. 4 Years ago I lost my Grandpa to cancer I still have a lot of guilt, that I did not travel 1100km to spend his last Christmas with him. 3 Years ago my Dad got cancer and was Ok. 1 Year ago my Mom was on the back of her BF's motorbike traveling at 80km/hr and was rear ended by an impaired driver traveling at 210km/hr. My Mom face and numerous scars will never be the same again, and she will never get her eve sight back or the mobility she once had. Now 10 months ago my Dad's cancer came back and he will not do chemo again and will not attend any Dr. appointments. He will just let it run its course. So here I am at 24 loosing my Dad .

Our Kids are Kids 3 and 5years old. My Husband's Family helps Us out with support, some finances and are very kind to everyone. They look after Our Kids whenever we want. My Husband does anything I ask, and gets me anything I want, he is as generous as his Family and Friends. We go on a cruise with friends (my choice as my Husband would like it to be just Us and to holiday not cruise) for 10 days every February, rent a houseboat or a cabin on a lake with Our friends for 10 days in the summer, plus Christmas breaks, and weekend getaways whenever. I drive a brand new top of the line 7 passenger SUV. My Husband drives a 1994 bare bones van. We have a camper, boat, motor bikes, snowmobiles, 3 collector cars, 1 house we rent out, and We all live in a gorgeous 5 bedroom Home. We truly have it all, and are very fortunate. When dating till present my Husband has always carried everything saying that I would/did carry kids for 9 1/2 months each and then some. He pees sitting down and taught my son to do the same so that our toilets will not be guy messy for me to clean, not that I clean them very often as he usually does them as he says ladies should not have the clean bathrooms. He does most of the dusting, everything outside, cleans the mirrors, scrubs the floors does most of the vacuuming, cooks once a week, sews, irons, does laundry and dishes, tries to fix everything (although he does my Husband does procrastinates quite a bit, and still finds time for me and our Kids. My Husband makes everything happen for his Family. I was looking at perfume. My Husband snuck back and was not sure what one I liked so he bought them both for me. I go out with my friends once a week, we eat out once a week after a Family activity , and my Husband brings a meal home once a week. My Husband is well like by all. He excels at work, works hard, and changes his whole work schedule around to fit my needs and Our Family's needs. I go away to visit my friends out of state/province two or more times a year. There is a small roughed up section on the side of my engagement ring with a diamond in bedded in it. He says that finding me was like finding a diamond in the rough. He cuts Our Kids Hair and does their hair every time We go out. He makes all their Birthday cakes (whatever they ask him to create, a fire truck and a Princess for example) and everyone cant wait to see them. He gets Our Kids ready while I get my self ready. He always complements me as do Our Kids now. He doesn't care if I don't shower for a week or have not shaved for a while. Takes care of Our Kids and keeps everything quiet in the mornings so that I can sleep in. My Husband has morals, is polite, has never done drugs, smoked or drank alcohol. I got him swearing. He has no addictions, stays away from all temptations, strip clubs, VLTs/casinos, and Pornography. He has never cheated or told me a lie. My Husband is a great Dad. I am appreciative. I just have a hard time showing it when We fight all the time and when I am not happy..

During Our Marriage I have cooked, cleaned, done dishes, vacuumed, and done other household things all the time including never cheating, living a clean life, I have never gone clubbing, and sitting home day after day for 6 years looking after Our two Kids. I did not see my friends or Family as much. I only get my hair cut 3 times a year, and thats the only pampering I get other than my Husband massaging my feet, trying to massage my back, and scratching my back with the nails that he keeps long for that purpose (one nail is short for a different purpose). I do not do the grocery shopping or for that matter spend money on anything really. I very rarely buy cloths or shoes. My Husband always tells everyone how lucky he is when they talk about their wives spending. I satisfy His sexual needs, and give him thoughtful gifts and creative gifts. I do a lot in Our Marriage.

Three years ago we started fighting all the time. I got back from a holiday I was on and informed my Husband that I was wanting a divorce. He said that I should have been letting him know if he was doing something wrong or had slacked of on something like opening the car door for me etc. He said that it was not fare that he was the last person to know that I was going to end it and that he was not given a chance to fix it, and that I should have never let it get this bad without working together to fix it. During this time I was honest and told him that I had been searching on the internet for my ex BF. I said I wanted to contact him to see how he was because I heard from my best friend that he was not happy in his Marriage. My husband was not happy. I said that my ex BF was the only guy I've loved. that he was the best sex I have ever had and that he would do it with me 3 times in a day. I said that I haven't loved my husband since I Married him and that He sucked in bed and I hate him. During this time he called me a bitch and through a TV controller across the room, broke a cell phone in half when I said that I was going to take Our kids away from him, punched a door apart, and put his fist through another door. We got into Marriage Counselling. My Husband started taking his meds again. The counselor told Us that We needed to learn to communicate properly and that is why We fought. He said that We have no real issues or problems that bring couples into his office. We bought several books that he recommended. One for my Husband about dealing with anger. One called Married To Distraction (geared toward myself). and 2 helping Marriage books for Us , one was called 'The Seven Principles For Making A Marriage Work'. My Husband read all the books. I read parts of one book and the 2 chapters that dealt with communication skills. I did not read the rest because I don't get much from reading. I am more hands on I guess. We did good for a while with Our Marriage with talking not fighting. I gave in and was greeting my Husband at the door when he got home from work, initiating sex a few times, and complimenting him.

Fast forward 3 years and here We are fighting once more. I just got back from a holiday I was on and when he came home from work I said I leaving you, I want to separate and then a divorce. He is mad and does cry a lot but he has no anger issues this time. He got mad with me when I showed him a picture with a guy I just met with one arm around my best friend and the other around me. And then claims that I was on a date with him because we went sightseeing together. It was not a date because he is just my friend and I have no interest in him. Also we had a 5 year old with us. He needs to get over it. There is nothing wrong with me being alone with a male friend. We had this issue 3 years ago when my Husband was ok with me going out for dinner or to a movie with a male friend of mine. He was OK with it until his friends and Family started telling him that my friend was over stepping his boundaries, and that what I was doing was inappropriate. I had been friends with my friend before I met my Husband. and My Husband thinks I should stop being alone with him and considers going out with my friend for dinner and then a movie a date. Whatever.

My Husband feels that he should be invited out with me when other guys have been invited. He thinks We should turn off our cell phones at the door as everyone has our home number. He feels I spend too much time on Facebook/social media/texting/e-mailing, and playing Facebook/i-Pod games. He would like phone calls during supper time and after 9pm to stop, unless its an emergency, something that cant wait, or Family calling. He feels that Our kids stay out too late (12:45am- 2:45am once a week) and go everywhere with Us. He says We should have a weekly Date Night with just the two of Us. He feels Our kids should have a consistent bed time to give us alone time with each other every night. He feels Our Family needs to have regular Church attendance, and I feel you should not have to go to Church to believe in God. He doesn't want me to contacting my ex boyfriends. He wanted me to wait till now to get a job, he wanted the kids to be a little older. He wanted me to wait to get a cell phone until the Kids started School or until I got a job. He does like me, not wanting a joint bank account, Facebook account, and knowing each others passwords. He wants me to show affection and I am just not like that. He doesn't want us having a Dog right now, he wants to wait till the kids are older (8 and 10-ish). He thinks I shouldn't get a tattoo or should at least wait a while, he also feels they are addictive and I will want more. He has issues with sudden change like me now wearing padded push-up bras. He is always saying be careful when I wear bikinis he thinks only We should see my assets. He doesn't like it when I just take pictures of myself. He doesn't like that he is in very few pictures as I only take pics of me with Our Kids. He doesn't want Our Kids to be inside my Dad's house or the house my Mom and Grandma live in, for long periods of time as they smoke inside. But he Loves his In-laws and gets along with them. He doesn't like people smoking in front of or around Our Kids.

I came from a broken home and never had a close relationship with my Dad as they were never Married and I grew up 1100km away with my Mom and Grandma. Now my Dad has moved to Our city, however he works out of town and is only home 5 or 6 days a week. My Mom and I have planed to have supper with my Dad every time he comes to town. I really need this because I have never had dinner with my Mom and Dad before and I need to have a relationship with my Dad. My husband thinks he should be welcome to join us. He says that he and Our Kids should have an opportunity to have a closer relationship with him as well and feels like he should want the same. He doesn't understand my need to be alone with my Dad for us to bond, and he grones every time I go. I also want to spend every weekend that hes in town with him and stay at his house. My Husband thinks this is unhealthy for Our Marriage and that I should sleep at Our home or that my Dad can come over to stay. I just want to be close to my Dad before he is gone. My Husband says that my Dad is proud of me and what I've become and that my Dad would not want to take away from Us.

We have had many fights about these things and the little things that get over looked like the lights and computer being left on, and water pooling on the floor after baths, shower and baths with no fan on etc. It seems like we fight every night. I feel my Husband is controlling. He says that he does not do anything to be controlling. He says that the word should be changed to concerned, protective, for the welfare of Our Family etc. I just want to be have my independence. My Husband says that I you can have independence in a marriage (someone has to explain this to me). He talks about 'Interdependent individuality'. I want Out. I feel nothing any more. I am not Happy. I got a job, got my own cell phone, Visa card and bank account, changed all my passwords, and I have him sleep in a different bed room. I have cut off all kind words, touch and intimacy. I complain when he shows me affection and says nice things to me. I tell him we are not together and that we are separated. I tell him I do not love him and that I am done trying.

We started seeing a Councillor. I see him to get out of the Marriage and my Husband sees him to work on the Marriage.

The Councillor keeps saying to give Our Marriage a chance. He provided Us with books that I don't read, one deals with ways to have healthy communication, and one called Married To Distraction. My Husband Bought Dr. Laura's The Proper Care and Feeding Of Husbands and The Proper Care and Feeding Of A Marriage. He bought Mort Fertel's Put Love First, Principles & Practices That'll Transform Your Marriage. Mort Fertel's Marriage Fitness, 4 Steps To Building & Maintaining Phenomenal Love. He believes its possible for me to be happy and to love again. Everyone tell him to leave me but he wont. He says he Loves me and will do anything. He wrote me a contract confessing his Love for me and how he promises to treat me, and no fighting. He told me to wright down what I want to be able to do and he will live with it. this contract is only valid if I honestly try and make chances for what he feels relationships needs. This contract is a day by day contract.

Should I give my Husband and Marriage a chance and stay, or should I go? Please help me make the right choice.

How am I supposed to care about running away from this turmoil in my Marriage?

Is it possible for me to fix Our Marriage if I feel nothing and do not Love my Husband? How?

How do I fall back in Love with my Husband and start to feel like staying and working on Our Marriage?

Can I/is it possible to save Our Marriage when I'm not happy and not feeling it right now. How can I stay and put in my 100% when I don't have any Love and respect. When I cant in-vision or trust it will go any where, that I will get feelings back, and that our Marriage will get better as it did not work last time I tried.

July 19, 2012
7:36 pm
Forum Posts: 65
Member Since:
December 20, 2011
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You spent an entire paragraph stating how wonderful your husband is. After reading it I was wondering what possibly could be wrong.
I have to be brutally honest here. Your husband does more than most husbands do just to make sure that his wife and family are taking care of. I don’t know what you were thinking telling him he sucked in bed, you want your ex back and you have never loved him since you’ve been married. I can tell you, you have stripped him of everything that makes him a man to you. It’s something he will never forget. It served nothing more than degrade and demoralize him. You do realize he does not trust you. From what you have written you give all indications that you are restless and want to be free. You said: “My Husband thinks this is unhealthy for Our Marriage and that I should sleep at Our home or that my Dad can come over to stay. I just want to be close to my Dad before he is gone. My Husband says that my Dad is proud of me and what I've become and that my Dad would not want to take away from us.” I can’t agree with him more. This is not a dumb unintelligent man. He is doing everything possible to keep his family together and is fearful of losing everything. I am assuming that your husband does not hit you or verbally abuse you because you did not mention it.
I believe you got married to young, lacked maturity, and have unresolved father issues. Your father issue affects the way you view and communicate with males in a close relationship. You married young to an older man to be rescued and financially secure. In other words you looked for someone to take care of you. You are now older and have played out the situation and want to be free again. You need to consider how this will affect your children. Your children should be at the top of your list not your ex not your father. It’s the responsibility we sign up for when we marry and have children. You came from a broken home and now you are creating one. We have choices in life from our childhood experiences, we become like our parents, or you woman up and break the cycle. This isn’t about you and your needs it’s about your marriage and the decision you made to bring children into this world. They deserve and want a mother and father there all the time. I can’t tell you whether you should stay or go. My only thoughts are if there is any feeling inside you for this man you need to erase the board and start over with him. You will have to rebuild him he is a diminished man.

I hope you find your way through this.

October 1, 2012
1:09 am
Forum Posts: 572
Member Since:
February 9, 2011
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

If you are exerting all your effort to save your marriage then it will be definitely saved and restored but since you are asking too much questions and you aren't that sure of everything then you are obviously doubtful about it. You are only the one capable of answering your own questions. Are you still interested in your husband? or do you still love him? if yes then why not give your marriage a second chance. Marriage is bound to last forever but it always depend on how committed both man and woman to continuously work on it. Now, are you still holding on to that commitment? The decision is yours.

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