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Please help
March 15, 2016
7:48 pm
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maninnc
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Hi,
I'm not sure where to turn to about a few issues I'm dealing with and would like some help. I'm having trouble with my wife and I'm not sure where to start. The issues have been going on for a while (probably since we have been married). This will probably be a long post and apologies in advance. My wife and I got married and I thought it would be a good idea to start things off right, so I bought us some books to read together "The 5 Love Languages" and "God's definition of Marriage". I tried to get her to read them with me and she would always tell me "we can read those later". Also, about this time I took a higher paying salary to start things off right in the marriage (maybe to make her happy?) but I started to feel taken advantage of and felt like i wasn't respected at all. I would come home and try to spend time with her, she just wanted to yell and scream at me and watch tv. I got no affection from her but would always try to show her affection in any possible way I could. When I would try to help her do stuff around the house I was constantly yelled at and told no you're not doing that right or talked to like a child. I'm sorry this is going to be all over the place because my thoughts are so scrambled from things she says shes told me and I know she hasn't and her telling me I need to go get my head checked. She would bring up things that she knew bothered me because we really never came to a resolution. Our resolutions were mainly if I brought up something that I didn't feel was right I would get told I was being too sensitive or overreacting. A lot of the issues that bothered me at first were her parents not respecting boundaries in our marriage. Her parents would come over to our house and tell us what to do. My wife also has a very strong bond with her father and I can't even get her to see how some of the things he does bothers me. She never ackknowledges anything I bring up. Her dad would come over to the house and start looking around and try to tell me what I needed to fix or her mom would tell me to cut the tv down while she was in the kitchen (when I didn't feel like the tv was that loud). Maybe I'm wrong but I wouldn't have the audacity to walk in someone elses house and start telling them what they needed to do. Something else I noticed that was pretty odd was when I was telling her dad about a guy at work i was having issues with was constantly trying to stop/block me from doing certain things (feeling like he always wanted me to come to him for stuff). Her dad looked at me and said it's called "Control" with a (just power look like you're inferior to me - i don't know how else to describe it). This extremely bothered me and when I brought it up to my wife it was ignored. My wife has also been texting my mom things she said i did but never happened. I feel like they're making me out to be this bad person when i'm not and I'm the one that looks crazy. My mom started saying the same stuff to me and even mentioned I needed to go get my head checked. I looked at her and said "Stop!" and she backed down. My wife is currently at her parents house and she won't come home. Her parents allow her to come there if anything is ever going on between us. I've noticed my wife doesn't like to talk about things on an emotional level at all - this is when she starts yelling and screaming at me especially if something of hers is brought out into the open. I've never came out and just discussed my feelings on a forum like this - but I have nowhere else to turn or anyone to turn to. I try to explain what is going on to people and I feel like it always gets turned around to be my fault somehow? I think the main reason I'm doing this is because I know i'm a good hearted person and I'm not liking the person I'm turning into. I used to never yell at anyone (I've always believed in talking things through) which she never would do. We would get in arguments and she would yell and scream and tell me things like "my dad will take care of you!". Truthfully I feel like I have gone back to elementary school on the playground hearing some of the verbal assaults she has said. I don't like the things I have said to her and have apologized countless times. I have never gotten an sincere apology from her. If I did get an apology it was because I stood up to her and she would just say sorry (like it tasted like vinegar coming out of her mouth). I know where a lot of my fault is in all this - I have verbally abused her too. My thinking was does she know what she's doing or how it can affect another person? So i started doing the same things to her (I feel bad about this because I brought myself down to her level and I hate that I did). This did not phase her one bit I still got yelled and screamed at and she would go to her parents house. My parents won't allow me to do that (I personally think it should be that way and let people work out their differences). I called a Christian counselor to try an work through some of the issues but I feel like she never took it seriously. We would be sitting in their office trying to discuss stuff and she would start looking at me and twirling her hair - which this never happens any other time. Then again everything we start talking about gets turned back on me. I've also noticed she knows when to turn on the tears to get her way. I had went to go talk to a psychologist about some of the issues I was experiencing and he asked if he could bring my wife back there and I said sure. She gets back there and starts crying and its the sort of crying where a parent wants to soothe or nurture. I didn't notice a pattern with this behavior until we were going to take a picture together of our pregnancy (announcing we were expecting - another reason I'm trying to find some answers in all this). I had on a pair of nice jeans and a nice button down shirt tucked in and I thought I looked fine for a picture (going on facebook). She didn't like this and started yelling and screaming and wanted me to put on a pair of khakis - then she started crying like how i mentioned above. I did not change my pants and said I will take the picture just like this or I will not take the picture at all. I almost felt like I had to make her see it was ok and when she was ok with it the tears immediately stopped and her face was a big grin. I don't know if I can take this emotional rollercoaster with her anymore - i feel like i'm catering or raisisng a small child? Another issue I would see was if i accidentally said my money (accident) I would get corrected immediately by her father (with that same power look - you're inferior to me) and I would bow my head and say yes "our money". What I found odd though was he keeps a seperate amount of cash that does not get used to pay their bills so he can buy guns? I'm noticing some other things as well - they bought a new dog - miniature schnauzer - and I've noticed her dad likes to dominate in a way? Any man that walks up to the dog it cowers like its extremely afraid of you. It didn't use to do that at first. I said something about it one day mine and my wife's house while my wife's mom was over there. I walked up to the dog and it just cowered like it was extremely afraid of me. I said this dog just cowered and her mom lowered her head and said yes she's submissive. That really bothered me because I know the truth to it. I have a real problem with people treating people that way. I will say for the longest time I wanted to ignore everything that was going on because I didn't want to deal with it. I learned it was only causing me greater harm and building resentments in me when I wouldn't say anything. I chose not to say something because I felt like I would be disrespecting in a way. Her dad would look at me with scornful eyes and this hatred look at tell me how him and his father-in-law would stand in the yard and scream and yell and call each other a**holes - i'll be honest with you at first it really did intimidate me because i didn't know the man all that well and I was the new one in the group. Then I started noticing his behavior around my dad - he talked to him politely and didn't say anything strange or intimidating to him. When they would walk together my father-in-law would have his head down. My dad is a very heartfelt and gentle man and wouldn't hurt anyone. I don't know where else to go with this. Sorry for such a long post. Any help is appreciated.

March 15, 2016
7:53 pm
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maninnc
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I know this is a lot of information at one time and I have a bad habit of keeping stuff bottled up - I needed to get this out.

March 15, 2016
8:07 pm
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maninnc
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I want to cry but I can't - i keep it hidden.

March 17, 2016
3:35 am
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ShiningLight
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Maybe you're just too sensitive and emotional lately. Family issues are bothering you so I suggest you consult a family counselor who can give you best tips and advice.

March 17, 2016
6:55 pm
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maninnc
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No. I don't feel like I'm being too sensitive about these things. it may not be a big deal to you, but it is a big deal to me, and I matter.

March 23, 2016
6:01 pm
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rperryta
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Your specifics are very different from mine, and I don't have all of the extended family interference. I too am struggling with a wife who seems to complain about all the unresolved issues, but then doesn't want to tackle my part of the unresolved issues. My wife has certainly put up her walls, and likely for a variety of reasons. A former boyfriend was abusive to some extent, and within my marriage there have been a number of issues including her own family essentially abandoning her in the last couple of years. I am not generally a sensitive person by any means, but I am extremely sensitive when it comes to my wife. The words are very direct and personal, and they cut deep. There is no other way in which they could be meant. If I were to speak to her using those words, she would either be packing her bags, or sobbing her eyes out.

I'm sorry that I don't have any words of wisdom for you. All I know is that in my marriage, I focus on appreciating the things that she does do well, and forgive the things that she doesn't. This doesn't remove the pain, but it helps me to deal with it. I'm here tonight because I am not dealing with it so well...

March 27, 2016
4:14 pm
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maninnc
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rperryta said

Your specifics are very different from mine, and I don't have all of the extended family interference. I too am struggling with a wife who seems to complain about all the unresolved issues, but then doesn't want to tackle my part of the unresolved issues. My wife has certainly put up her walls, and likely for a variety of reasons. A former boyfriend was abusive to some extent, and within my marriage there have been a number of issues including her own family essentially abandoning her in the last couple of years. I am not generally a sensitive person by any means, but I am extremely sensitive when it comes to my wife. The words are very direct and personal, and they cut deep. There is no other way in which they could be meant. If I were to speak to her using those words, she would either be packing her bags, or sobbing her eyes out.

I'm sorry that I don't have any words of wisdom for you. All I know is that in my marriage, I focus on appreciating the things that she does do well, and forgive the things that she doesn't. This doesn't remove the pain, but it helps me to deal with it. I'm here tonight because I am not dealing with it so well...

That's a good way of looking at it. I've spoke with others regarding what is going on and they think she could be depressed, but I'm not so sure. Depressed or not you don't talk to people like that. I've been doing quite a bit of research on my own and figured out a lot of what she is doing is projecting. I had to do something to understand the behavior, I didn't grow up in a house where we did that or if another person got mad we didn't "let loose" on the other person especially while they were down. We tried to communicate and talk issues out. Communication is something I'm big on and trying to resolve differences between us and it is something I have not been able to get her to willingly do. Yes, I have tried it from a different angles. Sweet, nice, compassionate - now I'm coming from a state of extreme anger and frustration. My parents can tell something is wrong and can tell because I've acted out in ways that I normally wouldn't have. My part in this is allowing her to get me this upset. I've learned I will react to the situation differently. I've already started to apply that and she is getting extremely upset. From what I've studied myself online she fits the characteristics of a manipulative person. Now I'm seeing she was trying to get a rise out of me and when it no longer works it really angers her. She was not like this before we got married. I've also tried to approach it from a heart of compassion and tell myself she can't help it and let it slide. But dang it she can help it. It's really hard to look for the positive when all you see is the negative when someone treats you that way. I really wants us to be on the same page and we are just butting heads. Hopefully we can resolve these issues. I appreciate you replying with your thoughts on the matter.

July 5, 2016
9:28 pm
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OlgaBloch
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Hi maninnc,
After reading your post, my opinion is, you should go for family counselling. A family counselor will give you the best advice and helps to solve your family problems.
Thanks!!

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