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No talking, no sex, no anything
September 26, 2013
7:56 pm
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kthatcher
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September 26, 2013
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My husband and I have been married for 4 years. We do not have children. We have not been intimate in 8 months. We have also not spoken in 3 days. We are on totally different pages. I went back to school to better myself. I work out. I eat well. He is happy making little money, he barely gets off the couch, and he eats nothing but junk. I want more for my life, and he doesn't. Our lack of intimacy has made me resent him. I care for him, but I have been unhappy for a long time. We had marriage counseling our first year, an that seemed to be a waste of time. He never accepts responsibility for hurting my feelings, and he tells me he would rather ignore me than deal
With problems. I am at a loss. I do not know where to turn. I need advice, please. I offer intimacy, and he rejects me. Am I being selfish for staying, or am I selfish for wanting to move on? These thoughts consume me. I need outside advice to help me organize my thoughts. Thank you.

September 27, 2013
11:39 am
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lcor
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September 24, 2013
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I'm sorry to hear about your current situation.  I don't think there's an answer as to whether you're being selfish one way or another.  All you can do is assess whether what you're doing best serves you given your circumstances and who you really want to be in those circumstances.

 

I am in a sexless marriage as well, but oddly enough everything else is good (we get along and talk and stuff), so my situation is a little different than yours.  I tried the couples therapy and found that it worked for a few weeks but didn't really "fix" anything.  So I eventually sought out individual counseling which was helpful to ME.  

I decided to stop trying to help or change my wife.  She wasn't treating our marriage (sex life) as a priority and there was no sense trying to get her to change if it was not important to her.   The individual counseling helped me find ways to cope with my situation, which helped me stay away from having bad thoughts about my marriage all the time.  Basically, it helped me "vent" my feelings, which is always helpful, and it helped me identify some distractions (volunteer work, joining a sports meet-up group, etc) so that I wasn't sitting at home being frustrated.

No, it did not resolve my marriage issues.  I'm still in a sexless marriage, for now.  After many years of dead-ends, I realized there's nothing I can do to change this CURRENT situation because my wife does not see the need to change, or for whatever reason cannot change, at this time.  But, since I do not want a divorce, what I CAN do is find ways for MYSELF to manage this imperfect stage of my marriage until my wife is ready to dedicate her focus to US.  

At least now I'm in a better place, even if my marriage is still not what I want it to be.

September 30, 2013
7:58 pm
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O + O = O.  There is nothing in this equation that equals a relationship.

September 30, 2013
9:45 pm
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ShiningLight
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kthatcher,

 

It might be best to consult a marriage counselor/therapist that can help you with your marriage problems. 

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