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need help finding answers to try to save marriage
May 25, 2011
6:10 am
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TLRS99
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May 25, 2011
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i had an affair about 3.5 years ago.  my husband just recently caught recent messages and after several lies, i fianlly told him what happened.  he wantts to know why and i'm having a difficult time figuring out why.  he also doesn't believe that i've told him everything.  he says he will never trust me again and feels he can't stay with me, however, he wants me to sleep by his side every night.  i want to do what i can to save this, but i'm answering his questions quick enough.  his patience is about to run out.  can anyone help?

May 25, 2011
12:38 pm
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mustangmel
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You need to figure out why you had an affair and be honest with your husband.  Do you really love him?  What is missing in your relationship that caused you to cheat?   Not judging you - but there must have been something that was missing that caused you to stray.  Do you feel like you can trust him enough to tell him the truth?

 

If he wants to sleep by your side every night then he wants to be with you - probably feels insecure and is afraid of losing you or just doesn't trust you.

 

Getting that trust back is going to be hard.  You have to decide if you really want to work at it and restore that trust.   Infidelity is a huge betrayal and is hard to get over for anyone.  So, you have to determine why you did it and be honest with your husband. If you don't really want to be with him then you have to be honest with yourself as well - it will only hurt him more if you aren't.

 

If he did something to cause you to stray then you have to confront that as well.

 

All these things are hard - I understand - best of luck

July 27, 2011
3:03 am
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Kaynaz
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Tough time....U r the person who is at fault...so u need to ask yourself whether you love the person whom u r with and spend the entire life with him...If YES, do all possible things to get back his trust...it will take time...but trust me TIME IS A BIG HEALER...and if the love between both of you is strong...time will bring you people closer than ever...

 

Till then try to gain his trust and have faith in your Love...

 

Hope this helps...

 

Regards
Kaynaz 

April 5, 2012
12:34 pm
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lear2
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When I found out about my wife's affairs (two, one that was in the early stages and one that had ended the year before), I was completely devestated and my ego was cut off at my knees.  I tell you this so you might understand the confusing mix signals your husband is giving you when he tells you that he doesn't know if he can stay with you but wants to be near you at the same time. It's the irony of this open wound that's so deep in him, since, he if still loves you (and if he wants you to lay by his side at night, he probably does), to him you are both the perpetrator of his pain and the only nurse who can soothe his pain, all in one.  I  very much remember feeling that confusion.

For me, the most important thing then (over a year ago) and even now, is the need to get the whole truth and nothing but the truth, period.  This, of course, is not an easy thing since, often, one never really knows for sure.  That's where time and sincere, patient effort come in.  If you really want your marriage to heal, and even get better than ever, you have to make sure that you tell him only the truth, period.  And by that I mean, what happened, how it happened, and how you see it now that it's been in the past for a few years.  One of the interesting things about time is that one gets perspective.  So, because this was a few years back it allows you to be able to see it more clearly.  You may have locked that up and thrown away the key some time ago, but most likely since you didn't have to deal with the incredible trauma that this kind of betrayal caused your spouse, you may not have really looked at it that hard.  Part of the healing process for me was the need for shared pain (that my wife experienced the pain of understanding the awful consequences of her actions...initially, she didn't). One of the best and most important things that my wife did during our initial period of recovery was to constantly tell me how sorry she was, how much she loved me, and what a fool she was for her reckless behavior.  And, believe me, it can never be too much even if it feels exhausting at times for you.  It's critical for you to instill in him a sense that everything is out in the open, and that it is all behind both of you now.  And that you have realized what an terrible mistake it was, so he can eventually feel relaxed in his trust in you.  It took us some time to get through things (it's still in progress even more than a year later), but I can tell you that our marriage is better and stronger than it ever was, and perhaps and sadly it took that kind of tragedy to wake us both up and appreciate each other in a way we never had before.

Good luck, and don't give up!

May 5, 2012
12:59 pm
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RubberRoom
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The truth does bring closure.

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