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My wife recently left me. For good or not, please help me to cope.
July 11, 2013
4:12 pm
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used2abuse
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July 11, 2013
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My destructive behavior has pinched the end of my candle; my true love has fled and I am alone in my plight.

 

I have been married to my wife for a little over five years, we have been together for eight. July 4th she left me and is now down the street staying with her Step-Mother and Step-Brother for now. I think full disclosure is necessary... I was raised by a father that beat me almost every day of my life since I was four. He beat my siblings and my mother and was a closet alcoholic as well. We were all raised Mormon (go figure) and all of us experienced his hypocrisy and how he hated life. So much so that he died almost alone (there were 12 kids from two failed marriages - don't ask) only two of them showed and only then was he afraid that his soul may not make it to wherever he thought Heaven exists. He never begged - but did plead for forgiveness (which on the mortal plane he felt beneath him). His pride and avarice tricked him right to the end but sudden awareness of his fate caused him to ask the two that came to "pass along my request to forgive me to the rest of the kids... but not your mother."

Yeah, I am serious and not kidding - this guy didn't get it, so he got it.

Some of us almost relished the idea of not following his footsteps, regardless of what he ingrained in our minds. I myself became a Systems Engineer and Musician/Engineer in spite of the fact that in my teens I had no volition to achieve anything. I rebelled against everything, I became a punk rock legend in my town, and had different girls every weekend night. No relationships formed at that time that really lasted, we were young and full of life and we fucking expressed it. That eventually was tempered by a girl I met while playing a show in another town - she floored me. We were the exact antithesis of each other - a hippie and a punker don't mesh. We were both breakers of molds and stereotypes and my friends marvelled at our relationship's initial success.

Five years passed and I became a lot more serious; when we got pregnant (not married) and she insisted on aborting. I was against it but understood her right to make that choice (a paradoxical choice at best). She was adamant and made it perfectly clear that the baby's and my life would be hell if I had the audacity to ask her to see it through. So she did it, and I brought her; afterwards she asked me to tell her parents that she miscarried to cover up her taking of a life. I know I know I should have rapped on her head with a crowbar and let her feel what I felt that day, but I didn't. As a matter of retrospect I ponder if I even cared that much - her complaining was loud enough to peel paint. So live and let live was my new motto. We were married a year later.

The outcome? It's obvious... unless you think having her mother as your step-mother, who was married FIVE times and changed her name after each husband is normal and destined to work. It was doomed from the start, we were divorced within a year - I gave away my half of the house to her just to wipe the slate clean and not feed the cycle. With that I went into a spiral of depression and drug abuse. I waged a war against myself for 10 years - very disillusioned - even went so far as to almost have my image make it on the side of a milk carton, no joke. It took damn near my death from close to 30 continuous days of no sleep to snap out of it *thanks to my family*. I offered myself to go in for a 72 hour observation tagged with "suicidal thoughts" to ascertain how insane, if I was, that I was. The counsellors and psych/phys didn't even bother putting me on any kind of stabilizing med or turn me docile, they could see that I was exhausted and quit trying. While I was in there I encountered "real" mentally disturbed people that flung their shit like zoo monkeys and had schizoid episodes WITH me... When I was released with a sound mind but a tortured depression anomaly I never looked back and hit the ground running again.

I started back up taking karate, started teaching it to kids 5 through 7. I taught some of them so well that they looked like Tasmanian Devils with weapons at seven I was quite proud of what I was doing and it showed. I met a wonderful woman that lived next door to me who happened to have two paternal twins (girls) and a year younger boy. They were 3-3-2 and she was recently divorced or divorcing I couldn't tell the husband made her life a living hell. I totally fell in love with these children and swore that I'd raise them - with unconditional love and no hitting, no swearing. I managed to get them up to the ages of 10-10-9 before I just HAD to leave due to her drinking. That tore my heart out but found solace in the fact that those kids grew up to be the best teenage kids I've EVER met. I was pretty confident my hand had some influence on their current dispositions and how they handle life, their mother was an AWESOME mother as well...

I started dating again but this time more guarded and I swore I would wait till either the end of the earth or I find the PERFECT woman - I didn't have any seriously REAL expectation that there could be such a creature, so I was happily churning through mediocre relationship after the other, mainly sexual except for the 30-40 year old women who thought their clock was ticking or just wanted to be serious... From them I fled quick and with due haste. I was frequenting a wine bar and there was this girl that was ALWAYS there (well I was ALWAYS there too if that's the case) and she didn't "attract" me she intrigued me but bothered me at the same time. I finally said hi and she immediately said I should meet her sister, which I did and I instantly fell in love.

I made the mistake of giving her my business card with my number of a company I was just leaving and starting my own. She called it and they said no such person so I was dubbed an asshole first day. We met again by chance and I explained myself and we laughed and I could have sworn serendipity had brought me to her and vice versa. We fell madly in love (she was a lesbian who jumped the fence) so our sex life was unique needless to say. That came up to the point that we should marry, which we did and we made sure EVERY ONE that was invited was witnessing a deep and meaningful bond.

Enter, MARRIAGE. I must have forgot that I did this before because my wife (current) is so beautiful, sweet and downright happy. I have bouts with depression, sometimes they take me by storm; I know that for me there's a 7 year wave that decimates my volition and I sink fast. My wife somehow found the ways and means to pulling me out and kissing me telling me "we can do this." I have never experienced such grace falling upon me my heart has soared and I truly do love her for who she is and what she represents. She has shown me that there is such a thing as happiness, despite all the legions against it. She has allowed me to explode and suddenly implode, my mood swings can be quite affective.

I can't put my finger on the actual triggers that allowed the codepency and abuse to manifest unchecked, but I do have inklings and definitely verbal pleas and arguments my wife made before she left. I think I felt too comfortable in our recent and unheard of finding of bliss. I started to take things for granted, slowly at first, which maybe looked like apathy, but at the end a general and abject disregard for my wife's feelings and sense of worth. She started talking of having a baby - I am 48 and I think I may be sterile or or just barely virile, not sure. I won't allow a doctor to test that; it's a fundamental part of my philosophy that the majority of the medical professions wallow in wealth while the afflicted pick up their prescription at WalMart after riding 4 hours in a bus with broken A/C only to collapse on the sidewalk while leaving, scooped up by EMTs and dumped in a tank. No thanks, I won't subscribe to their system. My wife and I did agree that we would leave it to chance whether or not I am or not be virile - she may well be barren or whatever the term is, I prefer not to think about it like that.

Sex was beginning to be not so sporadic and at the moment and fun. It was more like "I'm ovulating - let's do it" - I went and I did it, but only a few times before I objected. I didn't really want a baby, the thought of it made me cringe - I tried in vain to paint a scenario of us with one that cried all night long - she knew better. That we would love it no matter and that would soon pass and the baby would too quickly be a teen. But I digress, I was avoiding the issue and it started to take root and fester. I started to think of my younger days and how totally free and sexually charged we were. I yearned for that feeling again, I still do I admit, yet I would not allow my wife to participate in my fantasy. I don't know why, maybe because people termed us immoral or loose, or maybe my Dad somehow tainted my ideal vision of life. Or maybe I'm just a selfish person and want to experience things out on my own.

I removed both of us from the equation when I seduced a younger woman for sex, not for emotion or compassion or anything else. A one night night stand worth remembering, because my wife found out and was crushed. Here all along I thought she was sexually liberated, but had the same monogamous values like most of the population. I for one (for the record) think man is an animal and beast-like in nature and the quest is engrained in his DNA. I know it's not natural, it was created by men who came back from war and their women were gone. But even so, it does have a very noble attribute to it as well, it's pretty much the ultimate test of your will over compulsion. I fail at it miserably, and I think I can see why. My wife after some time of telling me she forgave me was pressing for sex, this time more frequent because she is hormonally supercharged and wants me bad, but I just can't perform. I get utterly frustrated, she feels unwanted and unsexy, and again sex leaves the room like a dungeon I feel trapped and helpless as I see my wife's sparkle dwindle and my heart sinks even more into despair.

My work has been a very fruitful aspect of our life and we went wanting nothing for the first five years. I bought everything we wanted or needed and didn't ever complain or try to be frugal. Haphazard I know, and not without consequence. Some clients I had some contractual work with racked up bills like 18K and stiffed me, my total receivables even now is above 35K and I am the only person employed by my company of one. I started to get extremely disenchanted and showed it through my interactions with clients, to them it must have looked like I was losing my mind, I was in a corporate atmosphere with a mohawk and didn't give a shit who objected, I would even go as far as firing clients if they stirred me the wrong way. Well I didn't take much into account then that my clients pay me to be their hero and here I was giving them the finger and now an outrageously expensive bill. So my client base dwindled and I shifted the focus of paying bills to my wife, not by her choice I just stopped.

She was gracious enough to continue - she would bring it up every once in a while asking if I could pitch in and help, but I justified my position by stating "I pay for everything else". I guess  when it's a bill it doesn't carry the label of fun so it gets tedious to pay alone. When she left she didn't pay the rent, she took all our coins from the safe and emptied our accounts. Not sure if she is planning on returning them if and when she does or if she just robbed her own house to teach me a lesson. Our dialog has been broken, she won't talk to me in person, I am crushed but I know it its so much my doing that I feel twice as shitty knowing that I have hurt my true love and my life has been emptied of everything that keeps a man going. We have a dog who is our closest and most prized decision to make together she's a kill-shelter dog and was scheduled to die the next day when she was saved. She was so heavily abused by the man that first owned her - they put her in the pound because they got a new puppy. Our dog was simply upset and wanted to know why she was suddenly not welcome in her own home even though she was terrified. It took all I had not to pay a vist to this guy and make him eat dirt packed with boot straps and fists and elbows and maybe even munch on the street. Argh. Anyway, she is here and she is my solace, but she is also my barometer - I sense her depression setting in because my wife has left, I can see her confusion and she may fear she is being readied to be abandoned again.

I console her a lot she already has issues especially with men I am the only one who can come near her or touch her like I do - we love each other and that's clear. My wife hasn't shown up to see her but once since the fourth but her step mother indicates she wants to. I can't talk to my wife in person - it has to be text or through my stepstep mother or not at all. The levity of what I have done to our marriage is considerable, my wife has few faults compared to my galaxy of idiosyncrasies, bad habits, and outright anger and hatred of things I purport to cherish. I do not know what to do, I am at my wit's end. I can say as a positive sign that she left more than half of her belongings here - is that meaning she always planned on coming back based on some contingencies, or that she just can't commit to leave for good?

Is it healthy to have her step mother act as our mediator when all i get are my stepstep mother's cutdowns of my character and she thinks she can dictate the flow of our interactions and tells me I am a bullshitter she can see through me while not telling me one thing to help me look inward and fix what it is that I keep lashing out in exasperation and the day becomes a battle of nonsense between she and I and my wife isn't even included. She is spoken for, she doesn't give me any feedback, I receive it through her mouthpiece along with some smartass remark that sounds quoted word for word from a site like this. Please help me gain some insight as to what I should now and how to plan for the future with my wife or without, and how to stop her step mother from destroying it. thank you for reading if you finished this entire text you are truly devoted to helping if I can reciprocate in any way let me know.

July 11, 2013
5:31 pm
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onedaythiswillpass
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You should write.  That is my advice.  Take pen to paper or take fingers to keyboard.  Save it.  Print it. Send it to a publisher.  You are a writer.  Think of it this way, your stories whether they be truth or fiction kept me reading.  You have tons of books in you.  I know, I know the reality of your life... I know you asked for advice.

You know she's always going to love you even if she doesn't come back.  Think of it as reality T.V. & you are the main character.  It's got the potential for real humour also.

I know, I know, the relationship thingy.  Think of this writing as therapuetic, & also consider that while the bills are boring, you will have to address them if you want to keep a roof over your head and the dogs.

Give your wife some space.

Maybe you could dedicate your first book to her!

Very melodromatic!  I am very enthusiatic about your new hobby!  The more you cry, the better the writing.

Good Luck.

P.S. It appears that you know yourself & those around you very well, so I don't think you need any new answers.

 

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