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My wife is thinking of leaving me
May 19, 2012
5:59 pm
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Louie197
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Hello,

 

Please excuse my English if it's not perfect because I am from France, thank you.  I  been married almost 7 months to my wife, we been together for 2 years.  She is from New York and I move here to be with her at end of 2010.  We have had very good relationship, with only one fight in 2 years until recent.  Some of my friends who I not seen in few years came from France to stay with us for one month.  Since they come, we been fight a lot more.  In beginning she knew I would spend time with them because I not seen them in long time and she feels bad I move to New York only because of her and left my life.  But then she said my friends are rude a little bit to her and that I am going out too much with them.  On the friends last night here, I took them out to shopping and dinner and then we went to bar for drinks.  My friends are both single and they want to go in a strip club.  I know it was stupid to take them, I never been to one before and I told them very clear I have to sit in back and not go near to any girl there and they were ok about it.  I stay only for 15 or 20 minute and have one drink and leave.  I told my wife about everything when I get home and she got more angry than I realize.  I tell her I not touch anyone and no one touching me at all.  I tell her I'm not going because of girls just that it's what they want to go and so I went and I'm not do anything about any other girl.  She not believe me and she said she was wrong thinking I'm too smart to go in a place like this, she not think I'm this kind of man and all this.  She not speak to me for almost one week and I say "You act now like we not even married" and she answer "Maybe I don't want to be."  When I first tell her, she even tell me she want me out of the house.  She say these places are disrespect all women including her as my wife and she think its "disgusting and immature" I go to one.  I'm try to explain I really would not cheat, I would not even pay any attentions to other girls and I do not, but now she think I'm, she said "Just like every other man" she know.  I am worry I lose my wife and I want thing to be same like they were...

May 20, 2012
2:34 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Louie,

I am sorry to hear about your situation.  From what I am reading that you have posted, it appears that you are being very honest with your wife & if you are being totally honest then this is a very unfortunate situation.

I think you should try to understand from where your wife's reaction is coming from.  In fact you are quite lucky my friend that she behaved as she did.  It shows that she loves you very very much and does not want to lose you. Imagine if she could care less?  Imagine if she told you that it was fine for you to look at any other woman or touch any other woman? It may appear that she is over reacting, but depending on her life experiences prior to meeting you, she may have some valid points about men who frequent stirip clubs & she might think that since you never have gone before in your life, that this will be a new adventure for you.

There are plenty of men who frequent such establishments and never even tell their wives.  Some even go further than just looking at naked girls.

I know that you were trying to do the right thing by being honest with your wife & that is respectful of you.  Maybe your next step would be to tell her that you did not know how much this action on your part would affect her negatively and that you will make every effort to not repeat it.  But when you tell her that, you need to be certain that you are telling her the truth.

If on the other hand, you feel excited and you think that going to see strippers is something that is going to be part of your life from now on, you will need to speak with her about that and come to some kind of agreement.  If she does not accept it, you may need to go and see a professional therapist.

Some wives are o.k. about their husbands going to the strip clubs.  Some women who are married  go to strip clubs too.  Most definitely, it is imperitive that you do not discontinue your connection to your male friends, especially if they are long time friends.  You need to have some time away from each other (you and your wife).

Does she have any girlfriends?  Does she ever go out with them?

Being honest causes much trouble, but in the end the truth usually comes out & then it is a far worse situation.  I hope you and your wife talk about these matters and that she allows you to spend the next little while showing her how much you love and respect her.

 

One Day

May 20, 2012
7:25 am
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Louie197
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Well my wife is therapist and she say not only am I disrespect my wife, I disrespect the girls there because they are having emotional problem. She says men exploit these women and she not thought I'm that kind of man and I'm not, but now she not sure.  She was more open to me last night but is still mad.  I tell her the truth that I really just go thinking it is something stupid they guys want to do.  I'm really close with my wife and not really speaking to me is drive me crazy but I see thing might be ok.

May 20, 2012
11:31 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Louie,

it's great that your wife is a therapist but she is still your wife and she is still human.  Being a therapist, doctor, judge or any other profession does not make you hurt less when someone you love appears to betray you.  Your profession does not make you any different.  If you had good morals prior to becoming whatever it is you are, then your morals will still be intact.

 

Every person sometimes has to do things that they might not necessarily do if there circumstances were different.  Every person has a different reason for doing the things they do.  Not all strippers have emotional problems & the reason I know that is because I could never meet every stripper there ever was nor can your wife.

 

Not all Doctors or therapists have the magical answer and magical reason for why people do what they do.  I am almost certain that if your wife tries hard, she will find at least one thing she did in her life that was not in character for her.

 

Once again, I hope your wife finds a way to believe you and forgive you soon.  You have told her the truth, you are sorry & it was in my opinion an honest mistake.

 

Good Luck!

 

One Day

May 22, 2012
3:39 am
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ShiningLight
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Louie197,

 

It seems that you are indeed a very honest husband as you are trying your best to tell everything to your wife. Oneday is right, that might cause a little problem in the future. Even though how much you tried to be a good,faithful and loving husband, you still haven't earned the full trust of your wife. Why? because she's not convinced at all with all your explanations and that is why you ended up fighting. Even though she's a therapist herself, there are things that she's not good into though it's part of her specialty and that's very normal. Maybe you need a backup and that might be a relationship or marriage counseling. That way, both of you will be aware of what's lacking in your relationship and how to spice up your married life.

 

Hope that helps. Keep posting.

June 1, 2012
6:50 am
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mechild7
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Louie 

Your wife has every reason to be angry with you..you did something realy stupid, actually childish letting your friends talk you into doing something like you were a kid.. she is angry you are not the man she thought you were..and she is doubting her self and her decison to be with you too.. and she is not overreacting atleast at first,..if she refuses to forgive you after a while? then she is over reacting.. and you need to give her some time..and just love her..But If you truly love your wife and you chose "her" then you need to ask your friends to leave .. she is your "wife" you have friends that she feels are disrespecting her and are rude to her in her own home..you need to show her you are serious about " the going to the Strip club" was stupid and not who you are, that you choose her and love her..and that you are willing to do something drastic and ask them to leave.. month is too long to ask anyone to put up with a friend let alone two who are rude.. lose the friends and save the marriage..women form this country are independant and dont have to put up with that kind of behavior.. we dont put up wit hthat kind of stuff.. you are probly attracted to her for that reason..so loose the friends and get her back.. do something grand to show this grand ady you love that she is worth all the friends in the wolrd..the next time you ahve friends a week is long enough of even 3 days especially if she does not know them well.. good luck.

June 1, 2012
7:49 pm
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Matteo
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Your wife seem to be very insecure and it does not look like she trusts you in general. She is a therapist and gives you a silent treatment (passive-aggressive behaviour), which  is not the best sign, either. Sure, going to a strip club wasn't the best idea, but you are two adults who suppose to love each other - and trust each other, you've told her the truth, she should accept it and move on instead pouting and treating you like an air because right now she disrespects you, which is exactly what you are being accused of. You left your home and country to move to the USA (starnge choice of country, if you ask me) to be with her and she cannot bear your friends for one month? Having friends, even badly behaving friends over for a month or going with them to a strip club is not a reason for leaving a relationship, so maybe there are some deeper unspoken issues?

From what you wrote though, seems to me that with this lady it is either her way or a highway, and I do agree maybe a professional help would be a good idea.

Best,

July 17, 2012
2:50 am
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scottandrew65
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Focus on the positives of the past.
Try not to get so involved in arguing
Obsess with order and time frames. Breaking out the day in a time frame of what to do. Trying to let relation free spirit take over you.
Enjoy every minute with each other.

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