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Married young, afraid we are not right for each on the long run
December 27, 2013
3:09 am
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siria
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December 27, 2013
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Hello everyone!
It's ironic that just now during christmas, this feeling pops up again, but here I am... I have been married to my husband for almost 2 years now, we've been together for 7 years in February. He is 25, I'm 22. We've had a long-distance relationship for the first two years (800 miles) and then moved in together.
So basically, I just feel really disconnected lately, or rather like we don't really fit together after all. We have sex regularly, things are nice and great if it's just the two of us, but as soon as we are with his or my family or friends of his, I really feel like we don't belong to each other. Then he annoys me very often and I think I annoy him too, and it just feels like we're not a couple at all. He treats be kind of without respect /demeaning and the more I fight back then, the more we fight in front of friends, which lead to ne just resigning often and feeling like I have no right to stand up for myself because then we fight. Also, he can't really join the conversations I have with my family, I can't join the ones he has with his friends or brother. And when we're out with friends of mine (which happens seldomly because they live far away) he's also only "luggage" ans rarely saying anything. I just feel so out of place when we're out with friends of his, and although I like them, they always talk about things that I don't have any clue about (especially games, P&P rpgs and their rulebooks, ...) or that I don't even like (in case of RPG stuff). 
Another issue is that the more I feel we a're just not right for each other, the less I can imagine having kids with him. I love him and he is a great and gentle guy, he'd turn himself inside out for me and often says he'd rather give up hobbies or change who he are than ever lose me, but that makes it even more difficult for me, because I don't think that's healthy. There are things I'd like to change about him, e.g. he's not taking care of himself very well, doesn't make doctor's appointments himself, doesn't do anything to lose weight/stay in shape (he's got a little belly that he's been claiming he wants to ge rid of for three years now), he just doesn't really get his life going. We also have a dog, and before we got it, I told him I wanted this to be OUR dog and wouldn't want to get it if it would end up being only mine, but now I am the one taking the dog to the vet for vaccinations, taking care of her manners and stuff. He does things if I tell him to, but he doesn't do them on his own. He also only takes the dog out for 10 minutes and always moans when I ask him if we wanted to go a little longer (like an hour or so ), like it should be for the dog, and I often end up making the longer walks alone. And I'm afraid it could be the same with a child. Him having the fun parts, me having to keep all the important things in mind, taking care of structure and organising things etc...
I'm just so afraid we might not be right for each other and that we could end up having a divorce when we have a child with everything being still the same as it is now! Does anyone have advice? I am just so confused...

December 27, 2013
6:58 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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He has little emotional maturity from what you describe.  If he is 25 there is a very slight chance he might learn it, but just a slight chance. You should not be his Mother nor try to teach it to him.  You are his partner.  The story of your relationship will only become more burdensome for you if you have a child.  If you have a job and can afford to break up or even separate and get your own place, I would most certainly recommend that.  Take the dog with you, or have a home adopt it where it can be properly loved.  You also should let this fellow of yours know that you are leaving in the hopes of finding someone who will share with you emotional responsibility and all respsonsibility.  Or tell him to see how he can grow up a bit on his own and stop leaning on someone else to do what he should be doing for himself.  A relationship is about taking and giving on equal levels.  It's about keeping promises, it's about taking care of yourself so that you can take care of the other.  Women often think that they just need to keep quiet and keep going regardless of the unfairness that they endure, particularly when the children come.  You are lucky that you are only 22 and not yet a Mother.  Go live your life and be awesome & find someone who is equally awesome to share your life with.

All I'm gonna say is I am not 22 & I don't have your chance.  I have three kids & my ex husband has next to no emotional maturity.  He barely can take care of himself let alone a dog or a child.  He is more than double your husband's age.  I am telling you the truth.  So no matter how much you love your husband, the truth is if he does not have his act together at 25, chances are you will have a life of suffering ahead.

Please don't let that happen.  Here is your chance to get free.  I know it's hard & you will miss him, but in the end I am praying that the right man will find you.

 

One Day

January 2, 2014
12:15 pm
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jesseyoungs87
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One Day sounds like someone who does not look at the situation objectively but more biased based off her bad experience with her husband.  

 

I'll guess you guys met on the internet at a young age and made the leap to move together when you legally could.  I had a couple internet relationships (I am the same age as you guys, i am 27) and talked about moving a couple times, but never did.  The problem that can creep up there is that you two were not fully grown up yet.  It sounds like you two had a lot in common because of the internet.  Now come real life and you two are married, you want to venture outside gaming and tabletops and the likes, but he does not.  I have some friends like this myself so I am speaking from experience.  It definitely sounds like a compatibility problem.  As far as you guys fighting, that is just an extension of the tension you two have been having because of the differences you have (going for a longer walk and being OUTSIDE for example). He is probably a nice guy but these problems don't fix themselves.  If you genuinely love this guy and want the relationship to work, you need to make a list of issues in the relationship (such as him not mutually contributing to daily tasks or with the dog) and bring them to his attention.  Tell him you love him so much but things need to get fixed because you are not happy.  It's not fair to either of you to just live with the problems.  You also need to give him a chance to express himself as well.  Maybe let him know that you want to sit down and discuss the relationship and give him a chance to prepare himself so he isn't blindsided.  I know you say its difficult to want him to change, but we are forever adapting people and we NEED to change to make life work.  You aren't asking him to give up any hobbies, you are asking him to do some things you want to do and to take care of his ADULT life responsibilities.  

People CAN change, but only when they want to.  Give him a chance, and be reasonable, it won't happen over night. Feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to.  

 

Jesse

January 3, 2014
6:38 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Congratulations Jessy, keep this young 22 yr old girl left to raise a 25yr old guy.  Give up on actually moving forward for her because afterall she should just be patient.

I am entirely sorry to tell you that people never really change, at least not in the long run.

P.S.  I am not married anymore.  In fact I am divorced & have been for many years.  While my ex husband is a friend of mine & he does love his children, he is still the same boy with the Peter Pan Syndrome who never got what he needed from his own Mom to be a real husband, father or learn to really take care of himself.

I love him dearly & still try hard to take care of him and the three children we share. I have been a true single parent for many years.   I am sure that if he could take better care of himself & others he would, but he does not have the capacity to do so.

 

Please refrain from making assumptions about my life because it's my life and trust me, had you been through what I have, you most certainly would put your head down & understand that my trials leave me a little more aware of some very sad but obvious truths.

 

Have fun meeting people on the Internet.  The future looks so friendly and promising for you.

 

One day

January 3, 2014
12:30 pm
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A total stranger claiming to be a young male stalking internet sites for victimized females & inviting them to private chats is beyond scary.

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