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Marriage Help!
June 23, 2012
3:19 pm
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steve101
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June 23, 2012
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Hello I would like to ask for some help.

My Wife and I have been married 8 years now with 3 children.
7years, 3 years and 10 months.

We have looked after them solely with no help as family live in another part of the country. We run a Restaurant which my wife looks after in the evening while I look after the children. I work a few short shifts a week.

The last few months has been a bit rough. My Wife has started to do some fitness classes (3-4 times a week) that's fine but we were talking and she told me that she sees me as a good friend but the feeling towards me has changed and didn't want to have sex anymore. She told me she wants to still live together as a family but no Intimacy. We still sleep in the same bed together with my little one in between us. The other day she had taken her wedding ring off. I asked her why did you take it off and she told me nothing, this person and that person are married they don't wear rings. She could see I was upset so she put it back on and has kept it on. I don't know if it has built up after time that looking after 3 children and running a business has put allot of pressure on us. Also I think my Wife looks at me as a Husband that isn't very financially supportive. I work a few days a week and the pay is basic. I am 35 years old and still don't know what job I would like to do or even hold on to.
I tend to not stay in them for to long. So I have persisted with her and asked her many times as to what is wrong and what she is feeling. She told me nothing and cant we just live like the way we have been.When I try to ask her about sex she says she wants to be a Nun, serious she tells me. Its not an easy thing to come to grips with when your wife tells you that. So I have been persistent with her and managed to get some information from her. She told me she wants to be a Nun. My wife is from Thailand. She said when the children finish studying she will go and be a Nun. She said she wants peace and quiet. I asked what about me. She replied I know I am selfish but I am serious I want to be a Nun. I told her that I want our Marriage back to what it was and I am willing to go to counselling. She told me to go if I want but her feeling has changed.She said no one can change the feeling. I have tried and tried to get more information as I have been upset for weeks now. The other day she had left home to go and open up shop when I received a message on my phone saying I always love you and want to be with you forever. I ma so sorry to upset you. I got some dark side that you never know and I don't want to talk about it.Just do it for our kids please. 4 hours later she messaged me again saying I will talk to you tonight.
Then another message after that. Its time to face the truth for me. Hope you understand. OK so she came home and we sat down to talk. I basically sat there and wanted to listen to what she was going to say. She told me when she was young that someone had touched her. She was 6 years old, it happened again at 11 years old and then again at 18 years old. By 2 different people. She told me don't ask anything about it. I could see the tears from her and see that it wasn't easy to talk about. Ok my Wife told me this which I just sat there and listened to what she was saying. I told her that it wasn't her fault and thank you for telling me this information. I did suggest to her what about we go and see someone that we could talk to. She quickly said no! no! A few week later I had said to her not me but what if this was someone else and they really wanted to make love. My Wife's response was just go with someone then if they don't mind that your are still living with your wife and children. She told me if you do that don't tell me and don't tell the children.A couple of weeks have past and I really want to express my feelings and make love to the woman I love. I asked her and she said whats wrong with you. Then she said to me again that she wants to be a Nun. She wants to live a quiet life. When the children finish there study and she will go and be a nun. When I tried to ask her for intimacy she replied with she will start to be a Nun now. A week before this I managed to get some more information. She had told me that the last time we had sex that I touched her in a way that wasn't right. It must of reminded her of back when she was young.She said don’t talk about it. I told her I was sorry. She said you don't know you didn't do anything wrong.

Ok now I have given a bit of information but I am really lost as to what to do. I am thinking of going to see a counselor and explaining this to them. I dont know what to do next. Please could you help me in this Area. Any kind of help would be great. I love my Wife dearly and my children but I cannot stand back and do nothing. I would like our marriage to be more than just a best friend kind of relationship.

My Wife has just said to me today why don't you make me proud Improve yourself. I can understand why she thinks like this I have a job that pays very poor and only 20 hrs a week. She sees me as not a strong man to support the family. Especially when there are friends and people she knows that there husbands are working in the mines and earning very good money. She must feel embarrassed when people ask her what does your husband do.

Thank You Steve

Please Help!

June 24, 2012
3:59 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Steve,
what a person does for a living does not always represent who a person is. I can feel that your wife is stressed out and quite possibly needs a break from working long hours. Having three children even with two parents is very hard work especially if you have no outside family support. If your wife is tired, it is likely hard for her to feel comfortable with romance and intimacy. I am sure that before you were married things were different between the two of you right? I know it is costly, but maybe you could go away for a few days just the two of you and see if it helps her. Make sure you ask her first, but don't make her responsible for making the arrangements. It sounds like she has enough stress in her life already. You must both go to a therapist also because it could be that something did trigger her past sexual abuse and a Mother of three deciding to be a Nun is a little strange. It's hard for me to comment because obviously no one can really understand the dynamics of a relationship. I hope things get better for you and for her and mostly for your family.

One day

June 26, 2012
5:29 pm
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dop
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Just going off of what you have stated. This is a women who has been inappropriately touched at a young age that feels guilt and shame. She has carried the burden of these actions on her own and in silence her entire life. She has also tried to live a life of meeting expectations that aren't realistic in her role as a mother and in her marriage. Probably in an attempt to flee from her past. She has run out of gas and wants nothing more than to live a much simpler quiet life once her children are raised. She wants to gather herself back together and rediscover herself. I would assume she does not want counseling in fear of having to re-live her past. She probably does not want you to know in detail her pain and anguish. If i assumed that I was in your position I would stop asking her why and start letting her know how you understand what she has gone through. Sex at this point is out of the question and I would not even bring it up. It would just show that you are not in touch with understanding her. You have to speak deep from within your heart and let her know how proud you are of her as a mother and a wife. You are amazed of what she has done in-light of her situation and what she has accomplished. I would also let her know that her pain is your pain and you want to help her work through it. Its not a time to ask her why its a time to understand her.

Hope this helps. Let us know.

June 27, 2012
3:36 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Doplar and friends of Doplar:
what a great answer you have given to Steve and his troubles with his wife! Whomever you are, if you are a real therapist or just a very smart & understanding person, thank you for writing this answer. It's what I wanted to be able to say but could not put it into words the way you have. The advice you have given Steve is very good advice.
You are right, Steve's wife does not want to re-live her past. Talking about it to a therapist might make it even worse for her & she has run out of gas & she has tried her very best.

One Day

July 26, 2012
2:33 pm
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jordan.s
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I'm sorry to hear about the struggles you are going through. However, it is great that you aren't caving in to her points and am defending yourself, questioning her motives (such as taking off her ring) and why she may feel not happy being with you. If you continue to work with her on these types of issues, you should be able to strike a median in which you can still raise a family together and be happy - both of you. Since you haven't expressed much interest in your job, perhaps using your wife's thoughts and your lack of career will encourage you to seek out another career, perhaps one that is financially more stable. It is your life and your family. You need to make your feelings and your kids well being first and hopefully things will work out. Good luck!

September 10, 2012
10:59 pm
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ShiningLight
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Steve101,

 

I guess doplar's advice is best for you. This is the time that you should gain more courage and strength to understand her better not only as his wife but as a woman herself. The more you push something, the more it keeps away from you so it's best to leave it that way and just make things as usual as long as she's doing her responsibilities as a wife and a mother. Maybe in time she'll get the chance to realize what she's been through and be able to fulfill her shortcomings to you so patience is all you need. Just continue to be a good husband and father to her and to your children. Trials are always there cause they add different spices and lessons to our lives. It doesn't matter if we win or lose in a battle, it's how we fight till the end.

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