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Long distance marriage. Break up time?!
November 5, 2012
5:37 am
New Member
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
November 5, 2012
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi guys,

Hope you could help me with some advices, maybe I am crazy and no one told me that so far.

Ok so my story with my husband is nice, we are both fairly young (24
now, a disadvantage, as I consider). We met over the internet 1 year and
a half ago and everything seemed...fairytale. After 4 months he decided
to come see me (we live on different continents). He came and it was
fine..he ended up staying 1 year here. We married very fast because it
was the only way to be together (well that is how we both see it now,
back then we saw it as a must and as "he was the one and i was the one
for him"). He had to give up many things to be able to live here with me
(doesn't know the language, no friends/ family..big sacrifice that i
didn't ask but he was so sure of his feelings..so sure that even
convinced me that i am..very skeptical I guess). We had our ups and
downs (from big fights to amazing moments..pretty intense..adjusting to a
person u basically just met is not easy at all!) and in time he started
to build lots of frustration and feeling uncomfortable here (due to
language, mainly). Now he had to go back and we are waiting for my visa
process. We had an amazing honeymoon just a few weeks ago but since he
got back he has changed...lots.

In the beginning I was pretty in shock because he is a very affectionate
husband (while being here and also before meeting him 4 months we
talked lots and lots). He started braking promise by promise, telling me
little lies here and there (innocent, but still...). I tried to speak
more and communicate but was impossible. Said I am suffocating him. Time
difference is big - 7 hours - so is hard to communicate at an hour we
both have time and I would always end up calling in a bad moment, while
he was doing smth. So after many arguments, I realized that by wanting
to make it work so hard I am actually pushing him away when he wants his
space (was difficult for me to understand that because before coming
here he would text me and call me and writing me from anywhere, any
hour, all the time). So, I decided to let him have the control over when
he wants to talk, he was decent for a few days we talked nice,
dedicated like half hour a day to me..but now he started to just text me
once a day when i am at work or sleeping and when he knows i can not
call him back.

He says he doesn't like missing me so he doesn't wanna call me or think
of me. He said he is not in any relationship with me until i get there.
That he doesn't know how to nor want to be in a long distance
relationship. That he is young and wants to relax, he doesn't want me to
call him or text him..he would be fine talking to me once a week only
through a message. That he is faithful for now and I should be grateful
for that, that if I would be there he would give it a try, but he will
never make any sacrifice for me anymore and that he was never happy here
with me due to having no friends or family and not being able to talk
my language and blames me for all the time he lost here and all the
things he left unsolved there and now are difficult to solve. That he
has strong feelings for me but he can perfectly live without me and he
loves me less and I should just wait and pray. And all that changed in
him in 1 month!!! And after he tells me all this on the phone and many
other hurting words, he texts me that he still loves me and he doesn't
wanna break up he just wants me there with him. I want to mention he has
some pain problems n is on painkillers and will go under surgery soon
but I still don t think that excuses his behavior.

For me, we are in a marriage otherwise I wouldn't have tolerated so many
but I tried to be understanding with the way he feels and to do
anything not to let this break up because we are so great when we are
together and feels good. I have been in a 4 year relationship before and
this is nothing like that, I am so deeply in love with this man, he is
the type that writes u a poem or u find huge heart on the bathroom
mirror when you wake up. He knows how to tell you beautiful words and
seemed to have strong feelings. But maybe for him was like...a
game..playing "love of your life" fairytale, wanted to love me just cuz
we met in a very unusual way and wanted to defy the odds of us being
together. But I took it very serious and is very hard to realize it has
to end when I love him more than ever.

I am confused and desperate! I feel like he already checked out from our
relationship and anything I would do is useless. And I don't wanna
leave my job and my family to go try with him there...when I feel he
doesn't even want to be with me anymore! I have no one there and I will
suffer more than I am suffering here.

Please..any advice will be great! And please don't be harsh on my feelings..I realise how pretty dumb I've been but there's nothing I can do now..I would rather try to make it work, if possible, than give up cuz..ooops..i was young anf foolish.

November 7, 2012
6:25 pm
Forum Posts: 65
Member Since:
December 20, 2011
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well I definitely wouldn’t fault you for an inability to communicate.
You explained your position quite well.  In reading your post I think you are aware of
what may be, but it’s not what you want it to be.  You probably need to ask him where the relationship
stands. Until you have that information you can’t move on. I am not sure you’re
ready to do that in fear of what the answer might be. It seems cruel that you
have been romanced and shown all this attention just to have him suddenly lose
interest.  Maybe the distance from
family, culture change and language barrier was more than he expected. If that’s
the case he needs to tell you this. I believe if you’re in love with someone
nothing else matters. You find ways to get it done. I am sorry you are in this predicament.
You have emotionally invested yourself into this relationship. You can be told
the feel good stuff like; you deserve better, things happen for a reason, its
better you found out now and so on… but it doesn’t get you past where you are.
You need to get an answer from him.

November 7, 2012
7:45 pm
Forum Posts: 572
Member Since:
February 9, 2011
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It really takes a lot of courage and effort to make a long distance relationship lasts. One big factor you should consider is communication especially that you're on different timezones. I suggest that you follow these simple guidelines:

1. Expectations

    Plan ahead. If you are both committed then you should try your best to make it work. Discuss your expectations with your partner and vice versa.

2. Openness

    No matter how far your distance and different your time is, make it a point that you get the chance to express yourself to your partner like sharing your daily events and expressing that you are longing to be with him and you miss him so much. You can choose from any social media tools (YM, Skype, Facebook, etc.) or mobile (SMS) as your ways of keeping in touch.

3. Being Independent

  They say being apart with your partner is really hard but it's somehow enabling you to continue growing as individuals while still remaining a couple. Being married doesn't prohibit you to enjoy your life as an individual so try to engage yourself with other people that can comfort you when you're alone like your relatives and friends.

4. Romance

   It's either you plan that he'll go home once or twice a month (up to you) or you decide to go to his place so you can patch things up. When you are together, make the most of your time spending with your partner (e.g. have sex, go shopping, sports, movie date, dine out, etc.) to make it extra special.

5. Trust and have faith

Learn to trust your partner as much as possible. Negative thoughts and feedback can toll on the relationshiop and will just complicate things so it's best to just stay happy with your marriage.

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