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Just so angry
March 18, 2011
1:52 pm
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Let start off first with I by no means am perfect, I'm hard, at times, to get along with and I really do love my husband. Second, I am posting this from my cell phone at work (please be generous with the spell-correct).

My husband and I have been together going on 20 yrs, 15 of those married. We have been through Hell and highwater together, it has by no means been an easy journey. The loss of our firstborn at birth, having 4 more children together, the suspicion of adultery and the loss of our home to foreclosure. Financially we have struggled do to mismanagement of our income, on both of our parts. Somehow though we have pulled through and stayed strong.

Here recently though things have been sour. I know we wouldn't be normal if we didn't disagree from time to time. We live with his father, who was (still is IMO) physically and emotionally abusive to him and his sisters. Thankfully, he didn't fall into the same role. Anyhow, in the last couple of years his dad has crossed the line physically and emotionally with the kids and me. He (FIL) takes the kids stuff boxes it up and stores it in the attic or in his room. This causes a commotion between the kids and then gets my feathers ruffled. Meantime, my husband sits idly by and allows these things to go on. If I get upset, he says its no big deal and goes back to the tv or playstation. If his dad gets nasty with me, he says just smile and nod your head. This is not my nature and very hard to do.

So onto why i'm here. Two weeks ago my daughter took a text book out of the lost and found, never told us she had lost hers. So while his dad was gone, I gathered up the 4 boxes of kids stuff to see if the book was in there. Wouldn't be the first time. My normally laid back husband starts ranting and screams at me, in front of the kids that I'm GD stupid. Of course this erupted into a nasty fight that had me grabbing my clothes and leaving. Since then I've been pretty raw about the whole situation, but trying to act like we'll, yet again, get over this bump. In the meantime, we have a very disrespectful 14 yr old boy, who is always arguing with me, has "bulked" up to me, like he was a man or something. I guess being a normal teen, who's mother stayed stayed home for 10 yrs to cut the cost of daycare, while his father worked all the time with a second job or on side jobs. I've tried to teach him to be respectful, but there has never been any follow-up from his father. Not with any of our kids. I feel like I've been the mother and father since our oldest was a toddler. Absolutely no help or support, except financially, for years.

Now to where I am now. I took all of the game systems and anything that would be access the internet, out of the house because of behavior issues, grades and total lack of respect. This morning I woke up to my eldest online with the PS3, he had gone out to my van and got it before I was up. My husband tells him your mom is going to have a coniption fit. Not turn it off, you know you lost that privilege or "support" for me. Then the eldest and I commence in an argument or him running his mouth and me saying its not open for discussion. He's yelling, that's all I think he knows. I'm telling him to lower his voice, when my husband yells at me to shut the "f" up.

I'm just done with this. I'm tired of my husband not having any motivation to better not only himself health wise or professionally, but within our own family. I've gone back to work. On average, I make $5 more on the hour as a home health aid with plans to start school in the fall. We have both been so unhealthy, overweight, smoking and lazy. In Oct, I made the decision to get healthy, I've lost 70 lbs, am up to 5 miles a day walking and making better decisions with what I eat and drink. I did this not only for my own physical and mental well being, but also for my kids too. I don't want them to be without a mother, which was where I was headed. I also have made the conscious effort to quit bringing unhealthy foods into the house, much to my husbands dismay. His response is to stop and buy a couple at bags of chips and mt. Dew on the weekends. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. I'm just emotionally drained. I cannot see going another decade this way. I want to tell him to get on board or get off. How do I get through this? How do I continue down this road when I've passed him up? Is this just me with a massive case of burnout? I am so lost.

March 19, 2011
8:26 am
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emily rose
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Congratulations on the weight loss! Walking 5 miles a day is impressive. You are setting healthy boundaries for your children. You could let your husband know that you have reached your breaking point and if he doesn't go to marriage counseling with you then you are through. 

March 19, 2011
1:01 pm
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Hello, Angry!!

I'm approaching 39 years of marriage.  I can identify how hard the economics of living with your husband's father would be.  I am so sorry you are having to create a stable environment within someone else's home.

Nobody's happy.

#1.  Try to see yourself as the creative one.  You are helping the other family members see into the overall picture and contribute to the solutions. 

 

#2.  It sounds like your husband is having a lot of trouble facing "failure" financially.  Nobody is going to tell him what to do, eat, how to talk to his kids....if there was a way for you to approach him as an adult (NO WOMAN wants to take on that role of the SHREW or NAG or PARENT to him -- sometimes it just comes out of nowhere and settles onto us), he would still be able to step up.  When he wants to  (actually, when ANY family member wants to) play games or just screw around and really, not get anything productive accomplished, he just doesn't have any grown-up solutions.  A lot of men (alcoholic behavior) tend to "sound" like the age they began drinking.  I mean, they honestly haven't matured much beyond that initial age.  He will grow.  He will.  He's just behind where you are right now.  He'll catch up.  Frankly, for a while I felt like the only thing my husband and I had in common was that we "played" well together.

 

What helped me through some of these miserable times when you cannot see a way past the anger were actually pretty do-able, small things:

Always get up and GO to that other person you're trying to communicate with.  Why?  No hollaring.  Plus you burn calories.

 

If you have the balls, turn off the TV or whatever and stand in front of it to say your piece/get your reply.  Keep it brief.  I think if you do it right, you can actually "get" respect.  EXPECT respect.  Don't worry.  Your having lost weight and going back to school isn't lost on anyone.  Just keep doing that stuff for yourself.  Re-evaluate your reward system.  If everybody sees being a couch potato as the ultimate goal........I know one woman who "Faked" the breakdown of the TV by unplugging it (one very lazy family!  I see the problem with this in your FIL's house, however).

 

Focus on getting into your own place again.  Somehow.  ASK everyone if that is not their goal.....if it's NOT, maybe take a little risk and look into finding a place for yourself and kids.  Unpack.  Apply for assistance.  Help the kids find work -- babysitting?

 

I'm thinking a great deal of my own anger over the years was/is from FEAR. I never felt like I wanted to control his actions as much as I wanted HIM to control his actions.  Things go best for me today when I stop and pray.  I have a sign on my desk -- "Today I have everything I need."

Don't beat yourself up about all the stuff you feel disatisfied with -- try to remember what made you happy as a child and maybe ask yourself how you could re-create that happiness.  Daily run is awesome.

 

OK if anything here strikes a chord with you, I will be honored.  If you can see any anger diminishment as a result (I'm smilin' here), I'll reward you with a really cool quote. 

Brynnie

 

P.S. I have not been on this site for over 6 months.  Used to be rather regular.

August 3, 2012
2:52 am
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Curtis Baker
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Anger is not a solution you must concentrate on your family.Therefore if your husband refuse to go to counselor then you must visit the place

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