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Is This What Marriage Is Suppose to Be Like?
February 10, 2011
6:42 pm
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Hello,

I have been living with my husband for two years, since his mother passed. He was devestated and we moved into her home immediately, since he said it needed alot of work before he could sell it. (which it does). This is the home he was born and raised in, along with his siblings. The house is packed for top to bottom with his families belongings, even including built-in bookcases and two closets, and two out of the three bedrooms. I also have my things, wood furniture peices, which all come from the same Broyhill collection, in a bedset, livingroom/tv center and dining room. My husband also has his stuff from his apartment. He is 42, I am 38, so we have years of "stuff". We married about 5 months ago. The problem(s) is, he can not seem to get rid of his families "stuff" and when I suggest moving or donating, he will either get mad or say there isn't anything else here. WHAT??? That's what I want to say. We have had several fights, me till I am crying, because the house, including the garage and basement, is packed. I have sold most of what I am willing too, not including my wood funiture pieces (the line has been discontinued and I just really love it, makes me feel warm and cozy!). It has been 2 years, and I feel there is no room for me. Also, he will not share a checking or a savings account with me and won't even discuss his finances with me. He has had the same job since he was 24, and makes a ton of money. He owes nothing, which is wonderful! I however, make very little and live paycheck to paycheck. If I need money for gas, or my car breaks down, he will loan me the money until my next payday. Is this normal or fair? I don't feel like it is. And as far as doing work in the house, it always ends up in an argument, because he doesn't want to, doesn't want to spend the money. It makes me so sad and depressed because I love being home, baking, cooking, having family and friends over. And he doesn't seem to understand or accept how the "stuff" is making me feel. I have broke down and cried and he doesn't say anything. He "talks" about what we may do, but it never gets done. The house does smell, carpet needs to be replaced, we need trim on the windows, so we can hang curtains, could use doors on our closets, (because for some reason, there is none), not to mention the bath is the original, and the house is about 80 years old, so just imagine, the mold behind the tiles. Everyroom, needs work. He's a good man, loves animals, is laid back, HOWEVER, it seems he feels he calls all the shots and I am just being rediculous. Also, I can't afford a cell phone, he keeps talking about how I should get one because I drive so far and at all hours of the day, yet, knowing I can't afford one, he refuses to put me on his plan unless I pay him the $20 a month for it, which, that $20 goes to my gas! I am worn out and don't feel like this is the way it should be. I don't know what else to do or say to him to get him to understand, this is about us now, not just him. Or maybe I am wrong? Any sound advice would be GREATLY appreciated!

February 11, 2011
11:04 am
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hiddenobject
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Hi tracyannesa welcome to the AAC forum. I think that it is great that you can identify the problems that you are having in your marriage. Identifying a problem is the first step in solving it. I am going to list the problems that you just mentioned. Please review the list and tell me if there is anything that I left out or if there is something that doesn't belong.

1. Your husband collection of his families belongings that he can't let go of that is taking up too much living space in the home

2. You feel there is no room for you in the home you and your husband are currently living in

3. Your finances are seperated. He pays his way you pay yours. He doesn't give you money. (You asked if this is normal or fair, he won't talk about it)

4. Your husband doesn't understand how you feel.

5. You and your husband are fighting

6. The home you and your husband are living in may be uninhabitable i.e. mold, odors, etc.

7. Your husband calls all the shots

If you can take those problems and work on them one at a time, which one of those problems is the one that concerns you the most at this time? You say that you are having problems in your marriage. That sounds about right to me. You and your husband can gain the skills and the knowledge to work through all of this stuff.

Since most of the problems you are talking about involve money is there anything you can do to make more?

May 15, 2011
4:58 pm
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heartsoflove
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Hello,

  I am sorry it has been so long...I actually just posted up at the top of the page regarding thousands of dollars I found that my husband was not telling me about.  I must say, I have lost trust in my husband and his intentions and at the moment, feel I should just close up and focus on school, finish, give him an unltimateum and be prepared to leave.  I don't want that, I love my husband, but I am scarred that he doesn't seem me the same, or even as his equal.  I feel he looks at me as a possible theif, that is going to take everything and run.  When I found out he was hiding $300,000 from me, I was furious, shaking, crying...It angers me that I am living paycheck to paycheck, without any extra, even a cell phone, (he doesn't want to share a plan), and he is sitting back, watching me struggle.  He won't agree to even a joint savings acct for a home for us.  I don't know what to do. Part of me is closed up, really tight, and wants to be smart about this, if he is closing off me, then I may as well do the same, because I feel his intentions are to leave.  I don't even know why he married me at this point.  I think it 's because his mom passed and he needed that other person there, so he took me, because I was his current girlfriend, and maybe bacause he saw me as "moldable".   Because we are living in the house he grew up in,  have also recentley found pics of an old girlfriend, that he claims he didn't know the pics were there and rolled his eyes and said, "Your probably going to find alot, what do you want me to say?".  I told him if we cleaned the house out,  maybe then I wouldn't have to see these pics and have to deal with even more insecurities.  And still, nothing has changed.  It's as if he just doens't care about me.  I feel like I am a guest and has made me feel like I am trying to "get a free ride".  I really don't know where to go from here.  I can't get him to acknowledge my feelings at all or how much this is affecting me and our relationship.  He just rolls his eyes and walks away.

June 7, 2011
5:38 am
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codagirlnomore
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I understand you are feeling depressed and upset with good reason. It sounds like communication skills need fine tuning. I relate to your issues. I divorced my first husband because of money lies. In my current relationship, we are working on discussing without judging. Its been difficult but wow it is working! Good luck.

Recovering Codependent

June 7, 2011
10:17 am
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ShiningLight
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codagirlnomore,

 

Glad to know that you and your partner are working on things equally now. At least you've moved on from your experience with your first husband and now everthing seems to work smoothly for the both of you. keep it up!

 

heartsoflove,

 

You need to take some serious actions about your situation. When was your last conversation as a couple?. You might need to talk to your husband personally about your side and situation cause that would help a lot in knowing also his side. Or you may want to consult your marriage counselor on how to deal with those issues.

 

Wishing you well.

August 3, 2012
2:56 am
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Curtis Baker
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You are facing harsh consequences of your life .With time it will heal from your life

August 3, 2012
7:39 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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James Martin, why are you answering posts from 2011? Weird.

March 27, 2013
8:34 pm
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heartsoflove
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I actually appreciate all the posts!  I am here two years later, and at the end of my rope….I was so grateful to see responses to my old post and I am back again because NOTHING has changed!  We tried marriage counseling, went three times, but my husband wasn't being honest and would attempt to take the heat off himself and accuse me of things that were not true…it seemed pointless since he couldn't be honest, PLUS, he thought I should pay for the sessions!  I paid for two and although he agreed to pay for one, he still expected me to pay!!   I really don't see any chance of this marriage surviving if he can't make some changes….any advice for a very unhappy wife?

March 28, 2013
3:44 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Dear Heartsoflove,

I will never be able to know what specifically happened, but from your post it sounds like you, yourself have been trying really hard to try to overcome the troubles within your marriage.  I had also gone for marriage therapy & my ex husband also just sat there and did not even try to accomplish the goals that the therapist suggested.  I am only speaking from my very personal experience, & I am not making any kind of suggestions here.  I would take the sessions as given by the therapist & I found through keeping a journal & getting stronger about knowing that this was the wrong man for me, that I had the courage to file for separation.

I do not know the particulars of your situation but I did not read anything about children in the mix.  Be thankful.  If you do try a separation, the pain of the break up will not affect the children that might have been created.

Sometimes a separation brings a couple back together under new rules so far as how they treat one another, other times, most times, it gives the couple a chance to realize that what they thought could be a good union was in fact an error and then they can heal & hopefully find a more suitable partner.

Some people don't belong in a marriage at all.  I don't know, you can stay & hope things will change, but it sounds like your hubby is not going to change because he does not want to change.

 

Good Luck to you.

 

One Day

March 28, 2013
11:38 am
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onedaythiswillpass said:

Dear Heartsoflove,

I will never be able to know what specifically happened, but from your post it sounds like you, yourself have been trying really hard to try to overcome the troubles within your marriage.  I had also gone for marriage therapy & my ex husband also just sat there and did not even try to accomplish the goals that the therapist suggested.  I am only speaking from my very personal experience, & I am not making any kind of suggestions here.  I would take the sessions as given by the therapist & I found through keeping a journal & getting stronger about knowing that this was the wrong man for me, that I had the courage to file for separation.

I do not know the particulars of your situation but I did not read anything about children in the mix.  Be thankful.  If you do try a separation, the pain of the break up will not affect the children that might have been created.

Sometimes a separation brings a couple back together under new rules so far as how they treat one another, other times, most times, it gives the couple a chance to realize that what they thought could be a good union was in fact an error and then they can heal & hopefully find a more suitable partner.

Some people don't belong in a marriage at all.  I don't know, you can stay & hope things will change, but it sounds like your hubby is not going to change because he does not want to change.

 

Good Luck to you.

 

One Day

 

 

no, there are no children, that's another thing.  Prior to getting married, it's all we talked about.  He would go on about what a good mother I would be, and that the child would have red hair and we even picked out names we liked.   But after we got married, nothing.  He would make sure I didn't get pregnant, insists that if we did have them, that they will go into daycare because he is not going to be the only one "contributing" ( meaningless wont be ok with me not working)... And suppose lay this is why he doesn't want them because we "can't agree" and he says I fly off the handle if "I don't get my way"...and that is total bull....I don't get my way in ANYTHING!!!!!   ABSOLUTELY nothing....I really don't feel he loves me and only married me out of needing someone because he mother had passed....I feel I am just a fill in for her....and when I have cried and pleaded my case he tells me I'm paranoid, or again, if I don't get my way I fly off the handle....I had slight hope a couple of months ago that we maybe moving in the right direction when he said "maybe we will get a gas card together"...,I was thrilled because it was a step in a positive direction.  Well as always, it was just lip service and today, he received a new c&c, in his name only, with a credit limit of $15,000.   I just give up.  


March 28, 2013
11:43 am
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I'm sorry, that post above I just posted was in response to "one day".   For some reason, I was attached to her response, my response is below "one day"'s response.  I really hope she and others see it because I am at a loss at what to do at this point.  I feel my only option is to finish my last year of schooling and then file for separation or maybe divorce, although I am not 100% sure what the difference is.  I just feel there is nothing else I can do.  Even though I love him and he is a good man, there is just no denying the facts and what I see as writing on the wall….I can't make him change, and he doesn't feel he has any issues and that it is all me….

 

p.s.- I have to apologize for all of the incorrect grammar above in blue.  My computer autocorrects and many times it corrects incorrectly!

March 28, 2013
2:50 pm
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onedaythiswillpass
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Heartsoflove,

You deserve so much better than this obviously very very selfish human being or sad exuse for a human being.  You need to keep reminding yourself that there is a whole world of men out there that in a minute will treat you with lovingkindness & respect.  What you wanted from this man does not sound out of line, not one bit.  Some people are just plain troublemakers and I am sorry to say feel happy when they see someone that loves them be sad.  It's a really sad reality.  He probably wishes he had your capacity to love and be honest & truly caring so he tries to take it away from you.  From now on my wish for you is that you recognize how special you are and never let another human being try to make you feel small and ugly the way this husband of yours has done.

Be strong and be brave.  Close this door.  Continue with your education.  Take precious care of yourself & do not look back.  Look forward towards a future where the people that surround you are positive, respect your person & cherish your goodness.

Ask for a power greater than yourself to bring to you the man you deserve, a man who will take good care of you and let you care for him.

 

LOve

One Day

August 22, 2013
7:56 am
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heartsoflove
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I pray so done can talk to me right now.....so much has happened and I think this marriage has now become toxic..........I have been in nursing school for the past year at my husbands request......I told him for years I DO NOT want to be a nurse, I really wanted to be a dental hygienist...I went back to school and had to start at the bottom, with developmental math because it had been so long since I was in school and my education was poor....I knew to get into dental hygiene, I had to have nothing less than a 4.0...  And I did it, I took many courses, all pre-recs for dental hygiene and when it came time to apply, my husband convinced me to have nursing as a b plan and that I had to be in a program in the fall...both programs started in the fall and my thought was apply for hygiene first and if that did not work out, than I would apply for nursing in the fall at the sister campus....my husband convinced me to apply for nursing first because the deadline for my campus came before the dental hygiene deadline....once I applied, I found out a month later, that I could not apply for dental hygiene, the school only allowed one app for a program a semester....so my husband, insisting I begin a program in the fall, convinced me that nursing was the only way to go because there are more opportunities and more money and that if I want to buy a home, this is what I have to accomplish....so, knowing in my heart that a place to call home, to feel loved and safe in ( something I never had growing up) was my number one priority and dream, I felt he was right.....it has been a year into the program and it is so hard and I just hate the thought of the amount of responsibility I will be responsible for once I finish and then have to do for the rest of my life.....I resent my husband and hate the fact that he does not appreciate the things I have given up and doesn't care how much I am hurting and just how unhappy I am.....nothing, not one thing has changed and we will be married three years in a couple weeks....we are still in his mothers house that makes me so sick to be in, I am so embarrassed to have anyone, including my neice and nephews over....I LOVE children and couldn't wait to have fun sleep overs at my house when they got older and I couldn't wait to make christmas cookies with them or gingerbread houses with them or to carve pumpkins with them......I can't do that because I am so uncomfortable in this house......my husband knows this and constantly reminds me until I can "contribute" enough this is it because he is not going to be house poor....he has $500,000 saved in the bank.....I just want a small home we can purchase together, a place to finally,for the first time in my life, call home......and he refuses......he refuses to share any finances with me and won't even put my name on the house bills....I have become so desperate for some sort of control in my life that I use an amazon credit card and purchase all kinds of nursing books and he pays the minimum balance on them after giving me grief for it.....my husband makes $100,000 a year....I have $15,000 in student loans that he refuses to make payments on while I am in school because "it's not his responsibility"...... He won't even consider children anymore, doesn't even talk about it because he doesn't want to be the only one "contributing" to the household and that I would have to work and they would go to daycare because "that's the real world"... I am going to be 41 years old next month.....I am still in school, for something g I hate, something I did for my husband, and I still do not and due to my age probably won't have children and I STILL don't have a place to call home..............I look all the time at homes for sale online, all the time because I dream of it.....I dream of family around the table for holidays and me smiling while I serve up delicious food for them.......I dream of peace and the warmth and comfort of a home, a place that loves you and lifts you up.............I feel so completely unloved by my husband....when someone loves you, aren't they suppose to want you to be happy and comfort you when you are sad?.................just recently, I found a home that my husband, for thievery first time, showed interest in.....there was an open house so we went and the moment I walked in, my eyes filled with tears because right before my eyes, my dreams were brought to life.....it's not a big home, it's not a small home, it's not new, it's 50 years old and it did everything to me I would want it to do....it felt like it hugged me and welcomed me.....it was affordable and in a safe neighborhood.....my husband loved it so much that he approached his sister about purchasing the home we are in ( their "family" home) and he said she was really interested but not to get my hopes up too much....prior to him talking to his sister, I pleaded with him for two weeks to just get us in there and I would do whatever he said, anything, I would do anything.....I then sent him two deep and heartfelt letters and I POURED my heart out to him....knowing this was so completely doable and knowing the pure and complete happiness it would finally bring, I begged to please consider buying this home....that is when he approached his sister, privately....he offered to pay off her house so she could get a mortgage and buy this house we are in (something that burns me up because he was going to give her $30,000, but can't help make payments on my student loans).....when she seemed interested, he got my hopes up and he asked me to call a family member who is a real estate agent and to contact the sellers agent.....he was asking me how I would decorate it (told him we can decorate anyway he wants if he gets us into this home), he talked to me about it with such excitement and I finally thought this is where the payback for all I feel I have given up, is coming my way.......that was 5 days ago and now we need to wait on his sister to see what she is going to do, still, because she was going away on vacation for a week.....he said what we do depends on if she can get a mortgage.....we now won't know what she is doing for another week (simply because I feel she could care less) and in the mean time, this home of our (probably more my) dreams, can be gone.....when he came back home last night to tell me about last nights private conversation (because he doesn't want me part of it), I rolled my eyes when he said she still hasn't contacted the bank and he got mad and told me not to roll my eyes because she just broke up with her boyfriend and she's going away for the week and if she doesn't do it than you just have to wait till you graduate and can "contribute" enough to buy a home......I LOST it......I yelled so loudand said I don't give a F*** if she is going through a sad moment, I have been sad and unhappy for the last three years, everyday and nobody, especially you cares!!  So why should I care when right now you have placed our future in her hands and she knows it and doesnt care!  I told him she is selfish (and I feel she is) and I began bawling my eyes out pleading for him to please not walk away from that house that I DESPERATELY need it, I need a place to call home and I told him I am in school for something I hate and that I did it because it was important to him....I am facing the reality that I may never be a mom because you don't want them anymore.....I have lived, everyday in a home that makes me so uncomfortable and so unhappy and I'm still here because this house was important to him.....I told him I will quit school a get a job at the grocery store and he said "oh yeah, like that's going to contribute to something!", the next thing I knew I hit him on the brim of his hate to shut him up and he got in my face and started screaming at me that I punched him in the head, which I didn't, but he went on that I did and f*** me and I really learned something from my father didn't I and that I have anger management problems and there is nothing I can do or say to make it right......I began sobbing even more begging him to know I did not hit him but he wouldn't hear it and wouldn't even talk to me.......I haven't stopped crying since last night.....it seems clear to me, my husband doesn't love me, he loves his sister, but he doesn't love me......he doesn't care if I am hurting (literally physically or emotionally) and he doesn't care about what makes me happy.....I think this has now gone to the point of no return......I have no job and nowhere to go...I start school again next week and I can't even focus on a program that I hate....I don't know what to do and I have thought since last night, taking a break from school, getting a job and going from there.....this is just hurting too much....

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