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Husband vs. son, with me in the middle.
July 18, 2018
8:24 pm
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Windflower
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July 14, 2018
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Whenever my husband and son go away on a trip together it's a bit harder for me to see our son off. Our son still lives at home. I hang around with him more, give him long, tight hugs, etc. I usually do most of this while my husband is in a hurry, packing, etc. to leave. The last time this all happened our son was making comments to the effect that I don't hug "dad" as much, like it's not equal and is too obvious. I couldn't explain WHY to him, in terms of dad getting too aroused all the time, which I'm tired of! So I felt very depressed the rest of the day after they left. What a way to see your husband and son off on a trip!

When I show all this affection to our son I often get images of various times when he was little, a baby, cute moments, how I taught him to hug, etc. He's about 20 now, but I still remember and CHERISH those memories and want to re-live them as much as possible. I think he's doing the same- re-living the comfort and security of MY hugs, like he did as a baby.

Then when my husband is finally ready to go I think he is ready for a goodbye hug, too. The thing is, at these times I tend to get sort of half hugs, like his body language says "I want to get going now"

The problem lies in it being a running "joke" from my husband about me that I hug our son more.than him at those times, especially. He has made some subtle comments about my "forgetting" to hug him, or am I finally going to hug him, what about me, etc. I asked him if what I do (between him and our son) bothers him, makes him feel bad, etc., but he denied it, telling me he has told other people about us and that and it was supposed to be a joke, like I am predictable that way..

The truth is I find it EASIER to hug our son. Why? Because THAT is a more "pure" hug. Whenever I hug, touch, or whatever my husband HE gets AROUSED. He often makes comments about us doing "something" later. Or else he makes comments like he's reluctant , especially in public, and that it will "cost" me. Well, I'm tired of his always getting aroused seemingly no matter what affectionate thing we do! I've been told that it goes away. To me once it gets started, it may go away, but it's gonna come right back again as if it remembers that last time he got aroused.
I've been told that I could look at it more as a compliment that he still gets aroused with me. I think he's going to get aroused no matter what! To me his arousal is like an urge to go to the bathroom in that he fills up and has to release it.--and he wants to use other means than himself to do it. Like he COULD take care of it himself, but wants ME to be involved with it. I see it like a child always wanting their hand held while they do certain things. To the adult it may just get old after a while. To me it's like he ALWAYS has a build-up--only HE LIKES it, getting the release and everything, but I DON"T because I get worn out and achey pleasing him that way. Sounds far-fetched, but it's like somebody LOVING the feeling of emptying their bladder SO MUCH that they constantly drink just so they have to go again, no matter how much getting them to a bathroom is inconvenient to someone else. In other words with all this, I wish he had an off switch to turn off all the testosterone and the build-ups it causes so I can enjoy a hug without it coming with a "price tag" . And before you jump, I do NOT get turned on so easily. In fact I could do without sex for _____how long? A lot longer than a man. It's not because he doesn't "pleasure" me right. I just have no desire. And I've been ok with that. I often think that if I had desire, with HIS desire that would probably be all we ever do!

I know my husband deserves at least as much affection as our son does. But short of finding an "OFF" button to stop so much arousal, is there another way I can look at this?

People may say he's expressing his love for me. I think every time he "expresses" he's really just letting me know he wants release.....again. And he wants an outside force (ME) to provide it for him, until he needs it again, which he'd be more than happy to do again.

I don't have the same kind of feelings hugging him. I am not his mother; therefore I don't have the cute and protective feelings I have with our son. REALLY hugging my husband more or less means to him (or his body) MORE reward for HIM, later. All he's got to do is think back on a moment between the two of us, and he's raring to go again. Then he starts conjuring up ideas on ways to do it later.

Even if I don't get feedback on this it felt good just to get it out. I at least want to know if anybody can relate at all. ANYBODY......??

.

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