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Husband still indecisive after marriage, regrets it sometimes
January 20, 2014
8:39 pm
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kuro11
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January 20, 2014
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Hello everyone! 

My situation has honestly been going on for a while, and it's still quite unresolved and still very painful for both my husband and I. Any advice to either of us would be so greatly appreciated! This is a bit of a long story, so I apologize in advance 😛

Ok, so my husband and I have had an immensely successful relationship. We had both agreed that our connection is something very special and that we haven't quite felt this way before. We had been dating a couple years before getting married. We had great times, bad times, and even when we fought, we found a way to sit down and fix things without getting too hurt in the long-run. We had both been in very serious relationships prior to ours, so our experience up until now taught us a lot about how to function as a couple, and I think that's one of our strong points. We are both 26.

At one point in our relationship, after we had lived together for a while (we went abroad together), I had felt things were going very well in our lives and I asked how he felt about the future. I wasn't expecting him to say that half the time, something in his brain told him, "Don't do this!" He said that the other half of the time, he was happy and sure he loved me, and that he just attributed most of the other half to "male programming." When I asked what that meant for the future, he basically said, "Well, we're happy now, why not just continue without commitment, and if we continue loving each other, that's nice." I do want a family/kids, so this was hard to hear, and when I voiced that, he said he couldn't tell me that he's in it for the long run because he hasn't figured that out yet. It did hurt, but we were happy and he DID assure me he loved me, so that made me feel a bit better. 

About 2 months after that, to make a long story short, I found out some harsh words he had said about me (I wasn't looking for anything, it was actually an oversight on his part with leaving something open on the computer that he forgot to close, in plain sight for me to see). Stuff like how he felt he could do a bit better, how some parts of my body were either fat or weirdly shaped, and that he was not done/that he had options to name a few things that I saw before I realized what it was. There was more, but most of it is a variant of one of the above points. I did notice the dates, and the couple things on the screen were dated from before we left to travel till about two weeks before I saw it (he put the dates in bold and underlined them, they were painfully obvious :P). Needless to say, we talked about it - I wasn't necessarily mad, just really hurt and honestly insulted. After much back and forth, he did say that those times were unusually bad days and he was being negative about everything in his life, and even showed me some other parts to support that, but the fact of the matter was that I saw his candid thoughts, the ones he had without considering my feelings, and he felt he had better options than me. As we were abroad and had no means to return home, I was honestly preparing to part ways upon arriving home, even though I still loved him (and I could relate, I think everyone has thoughts about whether or not it's gonna work from time to time).

As the months went on again, our relationship grew. He became more open, more committed, and things were awesome. He made it clear that he did not mean for any of those words to hurt me, and that he really wanted to make it up to me and show me he loves me. Our relationship did grow and marriage came back up. Surprisingly, he was AMAZING about it. We were so excited. There was no real proposal, just a discussion, excitement, and an agreed, "Let's do it!" It felt amazing. We started telling people and the response was great, so many people told us that they just knew we were gonna get married eventually and that we were perfect for each other. He was really touched by their words, as was I.

Then the day when we were going to get married got closer and closer, and he flipped out. We had an appointment to go get the documents, and knew it'd take about 4 days before it was all finalized and our licences would be given to us. He was suddenly saying it was too fast, that he didn't know if he was done, he wasn't sure, he had doubt and fear. He was pretty much paralyzed. Trying to be understanding, I said we should cancel the appointment until he was sure, to give him time to think. He freaked out and would NOT let me cancel it, insisting he'd have it figured out. The morning of the apointment, he was hyperventilating, saying the same things again, telling me sometimes he's like, "YES! Let's get married, I love you!" and other times it was, "NO NO NO, Don't do this. Bad idea!" and both were so strong that he had no idea which was the "real" answer. As we took the bus down to the embassy, he was still freaking out, still undecided. Many times, I said that we should turn back, that it was painful for me too, and that I wanted to be happy on the day we went to file for marriage (we had agreed on saving the ceremony for when we returned home to share with our family and friends, and wanted an intimate thing abroad for the two of us). He told me to just do it, get the documents, do it all. Just don't cancel. And so I did. We went to get the stuff legalized to finalize the documents before getting officially married, and each day in between was a war for him in his head. He was so happy to possibly marry me one moment, and completely against it the next. Something about my husband is that he is notorious for his indecision - everyone knows he has trouble with big decisions due to fear and doubt. 

A day before we were set to go get the legalized papers, I told him the back and forth was too painful, and that I wanted the day of our marriage to be happy, not stressful and scary and full of regret. I told him he didn't have to make a decision, that we'd get the papers and hold on to them, and if he decided he wanted to marry me, we could file then. No pressure. I felt a lot better after that, because I let go of most of my expectations. When we picked the papers up, he insisted on going to the district office (where we'd register officially and get the licences) to "see how he feels." Next thing I knew, we were all the way inside, at the counter, inquiring about the process. He was overcome with love and told me he could see me as his wife. He was emotional, tearing up, holding me. We were just about to file when they told us they were closing and we'd have to come back the next day. 

This was bad. The next day he was back to panic, doubt, hyperventilating, and anxiety. He refused to cancel our appointment that day as well, and before we knew it, he had autopiloted all the way through the licence process, telling me it'd be ok, and that I should continue (when I asked him if he wanted to go home). We were officially married. The next couple days, he was in such a bad depression that I couldn't touch him. When he opened up a bit more, he said he felt forced, felt he'd lose me if we didn't go through with it (even though I assured him he wouldn't), and just felt so pressured through the whole ordeal. When I brought up how I offered to postpone everything, how I tried to be understanding, how hurt I was that I tried to help and he still felt forced and blamed me, he acknowledged that I was right and slumped into an even deeper depression. 

The depression didn't last forever, and we started telling more people we were married. He got so good with it and acutally seemed happy. As time went on, he had small periods of depression, but nothing too major. We arrived home from abroad and my family was so excited to see us (it was a surprise we'd been planning for a while) and very quickly started talking about how excited they were for an official wedding and reception. His anxiety took hold of him again, and he revealed to me that he was still unsure, still couldn't tell me he saw a future with me or not, and that he even regretted marrying me sometimes. He still felt forced and he regretted that he "wasn't finished" with his life outside of me and dating and what not, but loved me so much that he was afraid to lose me. Every time I'd bring up that I still had to go legally change my name, he'd freeze up and freak out, so I asked him if he wanted me to change it. He told me to give him time and that he didn't know, so I shouldn't change it yet. He also was not ok with my family talking about throwing a wedding, as he was still not good with it and was still coming to terms with being married.  I'm not too opposed to postponing it, but he told me that it could be a very long time (maybe years) before he even decides if he "wants to be with anybody." But throughout this all, he assures me he loves me. 

He says he's going back and forth between wanting to be an independent male on his own and wanting to be with me. He says he can't give me any hope on the future because he's still unsure, as he's afraid of his decision being wrong and failing as a result. I don't ask for too much, and I don't demand flowers or gifts or even a big wedding (I've never been that way), I just wish for a little confidence in our future. When I express this, he always follows it with a similar line of thinking - he can't give that. He'd been very, very honest about that so that I don't have any misconceptions. I've tried to be patient with him because he does love me and tells me that often, and he wants me to be ok and give him time to think about it (because I truly believe we're so good together, and when this issue isn't coming up, we have a great relationship). I try to separate from it and just be happy now, but I have started having breakdowns about it because I literally cannot make one decision about our future because he has no idea. He doesn't know if he wants to end up together, but he doesn't want to lose me. He says his "male programming" is very strong still, and though he DID promise he'd never cheat on me, it still throws him that his eye wanders (I understand that SO many guys do this, and I'm ok with it, but he only sees it as another reason why committing to me is a bad idea). 

My breakdowns are getting so bad, and we do have an amazing relationship outside of this issue. I hate seeing him in so much pain as well, as the decision is torturing him. I'm not sure where to go from here because I don't want it to end, but I'm not strong enough to just keep my mouth shut until he figures his stuff out (especially when it might end with me having my heart broken - I have faith that he won't do that, but he has no faith in himself, he's said that on multiple occasions). I figure that he just wasn't ready and pressured himself a bit. I'm so happy to be married to him, and it hurts to see him so...doubtful.

Any advice on what to do/how to handle things/how to be ok and loving and supportive of him, or even any advice to give HIM to help him feel more confident and decide on something would be so welcome. Sorry for the excessively long post, it's been a crazy, detailed ride so far 😛

February 2, 2014
12:44 am
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BlueFire86
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WOO! that was long winded. Ok, well this sounds to me like a complicated yet simple situation and you have to decide what YOU want it to be. 

This man (from what your saying, and how im understanding it) hasn no idea what he wants but he "thinks he knows" that he doesnt want to loose you. WELL if he doesnt want to loose you then why would tying the knot scare him? he would be sure of it eve with a wondering eye.

It seems like hes coming up with alot of excuses for why hes not sure of ALOT of things. I personally DONT KNOW of a man that would just allow a woman he "wasnt sure" he wanted to marry to go through with the paper work and then allow that woman to tell people you two were married.

 

This man is clearly not sure of what HE wants and you are. so in the end, if you want a family and he doesnt what do you figure the best route for the two of you would be for a foreseeable future?  It might be best (just for right now) to take a break so that he can decide what he wants in life because you putting your dreams on hold and waiting for him to decided whatever it is in HIS mind he thinks he needs to do, isnt fair to you and he should consider that. you shouldnt put your life on hold for a man thats not even SURE he wants to be with you for life. A decision like this IS a big one granted, but in the moments when he was unsure about marrying you, didnt you think that maybe (even though hes saying hes ok) although he was having a panic attack, that maybe YOU needed to choose to not do this right now? i mean just the constant flip flopping would make me say "ok you know what, you clearly dont know what you want at ALL if your having panic attacks but ok the next minute"  Its probly not a good idea to go through with it. 

 

If hes been very clear with you about not being able to give you the future you want, then it may be time to partways but on a mutual, (being ok with each other) level. AKA staying friends or keeping in touch. He just doesnt sound right for what you want out of life. sorry.

 

good luck though.

February 14, 2014
6:37 pm
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ShiningLight
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It might be best to consult a relationship/marriage counselor that could help you and your husband on how to strengthen your married life without regrets and looking forward to the future with a positive outlook. There might be bothering him that he doesn't want to talk about it with you yet or something happened in the past that might be traumatic for him which affected his decision making ability especially after you got married. You said it yourself that he wasn't ready to spill it out and he was kinda pressured but I think a Counselor can help him on that part. It's worth the try.

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