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Husband Repeatedly Leaves
May 19, 2015
6:47 am
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mia
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May 19, 2015
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My husband and I dated for 5 years before getting married. It was a wonderful time. No foreseen troubles. We shared our lives completely and soon incorporated our children and had a relationship some were envious of. We lived together for 1.5 years before marrying. He repeatedly suggesting. Me being hesitant because things were good as they were. (if it aint broke--don't fix it). Eventually we did marry and in two weeks we should be celebrating our 5th anniversary. But looks like that wont happen -- we are currently separated for the the umpteenth time. The first incident happened shortly after our engagement. (which was very unexpected and unromantic). About two weeks later in the middle of a very minor disagreement he asked for the ring back!!! Shocked---- I gave it back to him and when he tried to give it back a little later on I refused to accept it. I thought he was treating marriage as a game. He would need to prove to me his seriousness and I then would reconsider upon committed proposal. Eventually we married but every 6 months to a year.... he leaves!
He comes from a very rough childhood compared to mine. His mother repeatedly abandoned him and his siblings for men... and as the oldest he was forced many times by ages 8-9 to raise his younger siblings. She moved many times from state to state with little contact with the children. He remembers "living with her" here and there---but his sister says those were never meant to be permanent ... only temporary visits. They primarily lived with his father who worked shift work again leaving my husband responsible for the primary raising, feeding, clothing, schooling, bathing and bedding of the younger children. His mother and father each also had many inappropriate relationships in the presence of the children and drugs were common in the home as well. His father has had multiple marriages and is known for going through lots of women...though now he is a man of God. His father was and still is a man of less than a few words and there was rarely communication in the home. The trait of no communication are very obvious in my husband---but only presented AFTER we were married. He can currently go 24-48-72 hours without acknowledging anyone in the house. Its so lonely to live within 5 feet of someone yet always be alone. He holds things in for months and then out of the blue he explodes over issues long since forgotten ....and leaves... I usually have to beg and plead for him to return and eventually he does with a set of criteria that must be met...ignoring my criteria that leaving is not an option in a marriage...it is abusive and a form of control.
He is also ex-military and lives a life of sweating the small stuff in a quest for perfection and has an exhausting case of OCD. In counseling he refuses to talk about his childhood. He negates all I say and when asked why he doesn't try to let the "little things" go--he says he cant. He has actually stated in front of 2 therapist that WE (my son and I) need to change but when asked what changes he is willing to make he states that he cannot because that is the "way he is made".
He has isolated me from friends and family. I am not included or even told about his family events--so when I don't attend things I am later shunned--- but I never knew about them in the first place. In ten years we have NEVER done anything with his friends. Only mine--but now I have been isolated from them as well.
Twice he has kicked my son out of our home ---the first time at age 17...without even telling me for hours. When I asked where my son was he told me he sent him away and that he would be fine on his own ---because after all he himself had grown up without a mother and had survived.
I am not allowed to have input or opinion or discipline in his daughters life. She gets anything and everything she wants from him except attention. I am to stay our of her life and he gives her materials things not to have to deal with emotional things.
In the past year I think his past is starting to catch up to him. He has become depressed, angry, compulsive, somewhat paranoid that I am lying and manipulating him (???) but he cant say exactly what about. he has currently been gone 3 weeks without communication to reconnect but says he does not want a divorce and will eventually be back --- MAYBE. in our ten years this is about the 12th time he has left. This time I packed his ALL of his things and drove them to him. I am lonesome without him but I don't know if I can live with this kind of stress, abandonment, fear and uncertainty anymore. Is his childhood starting to catch up to him. Should I continue this relationship? Help!

May 20, 2015
7:51 am
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ShiningLight
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February 9, 2011
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It might be best to consult a relationship counselor who can help you and partner. You will know if your relationship is worth saving or not.

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