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Husband is Having Severe Issues Dealing With the Future
October 27, 2011
11:48 am
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JL801
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My husband and I have been together for almost eight years and married for the last year and a half. Before we were even engaged we always discussed our hopes for the furture; house, kids, etc. We were both on the same page, never had any issues and had a truly fantastic relationship. After we got married his personality shifted. After months of this he finally confessed that he no longer thinks he wants to have children (even though it was agreed upon prior to marriage). He also admitted that he is extremely anxious about the future and feels like he cannot keep his head above water. I'm 27 and he's 30; I'm not rushing to have children, but I am not willing to give up having children (which is why I stress the importance of discussing this before marriage, even though however, in my case it did not make a difference).  He's recently left home for a while (I agreed it's for the best at this point) and will soon be starting individual counseling to work through whatever it is he is going through. I will also be joining him for couples sessions as well. My question is, why did this happen? He doesn't know, and I sure as hell don't know. Has anyone gone through a similiar situation?

November 4, 2011
12:04 am
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ShiningLight
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February 9, 2011
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JL801,

 

That seemed strange for a husband to actually not look forward of having children on your own. I mean the most important role you could ever have during your married life is to be parents someday. That's the one thing aside from love, recreation. I think what you did about entering into a invidual counseling and couple sessions is just right. You both need to know what has been lacking on your relationship and what are the possible shortcomings that either of you might have on preventing to fulfill and satisfy your married life. Just continue on what you've started and stay strong. This is the time that you needed each other the most in order to save your marriage for future purposes.

 

Keep the faith.

March 13, 2012
3:49 pm
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jordan.s
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That must have been very difficult to digest, but there are several upsides to this situation. One, you were together very long, so you do know who he is on the inside. Second, you are both motivated and feel strong enough to go to counseling, both individually and together. I can see how this can be shocking to you, especially in light of the fact that he said he wanted kids before marriage, but people do change. This by no means is the end of it, but instead an obstacle that will help both of you grow and learn what married life expectations are. Most men, I believe, are very future driven (retirement, successful job, etc.) and sometimes they say they want kids but then begin a life with a person and that gets put on the backburner because she is the most important person in his life and he wants to provide for her first. I think after you give counseling a chance you will hopefully have a better idea of what is going through his head, being more open about his thoughts, and moving forward. Don't expect anything to change immediately, but do not let this issue linger forever (which I assume you won't). Still, you are very young and have time. The best of luck to you.

March 23, 2012
4:08 pm
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Emma K. Viglucci
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Hi,

Hope things are better...

In case they are not - it's not unusual for husbands to shut down, withdraw from you, the relationship and all related, if they are struggling with issues of how to face the future, achieving, accomplishing goals, advancing in career, manking more money, being a provider, etc...

In this case not putting pressure, time frames or taking this personally is very helpful to both though challenging, I know.

Empowering each other to be you own bests and support each other is the best way to get over the hump...

Hope this helps.

Good luck!

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