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How to navigate a marriage with no intimacy and zero sex
September 24, 2013
6:54 pm
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lcor
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This is my first time posting on this forum, so hopefully I'm doing this right.  Here goes:

Been married for 10 years.  My wife and I have 2 wonderful young kids.  We get along great and really enjoy eachothers company.  But, as my title states, we have zero sex life.

My story probably sounds familiar to many of you:  When we first started dating (in our 20s) we had great sex all the time.  Then we got real jobs, got married, had kids, and the frequency slowly decreased over time and about 4 years into the marriage it came to a complete stop.

I can't remember the last time we had any form of sex or even passionate kissing.  I'd say was at least 4 months ago.  In the past 4 years we've probably had sex maybe 8 times.  I don't think I have an excessive libido, but I need sex at least once a month.  I don't know or care if that's "normal" but that's how it is with me.  My wife just doesn't seem to "need" sex.  She is a stay-at-home-Mom and is focused 100% on our kids.  I know she is not "getting it from someone else" and she is not maliciously withholding sex from me as punishment for something.  She just doesn't have a sex drive.

 

So here's what we've (I've) tried:

About 6 years ago I had a good conversation with her about my feelings regarding our lack of sex.  She said it's because she's "tired" but she promised she wouldn't reject me when I initiated.  That lasted about a month and then  we cycled back to zero sex.

Then we tried couples therapy.  I ended up making a bunch of changes to make my wife "less tired" (I took on more chores, I planned dates without the kids, I gave her more alone time, etc).  That lasted about a month and then we cycled back to zero sex even though I'm still doing most of the additional "duties" that I picked up.

Next my wife went to the Dr. to see if there was something physically wrong.  No magic pill was available, so that was not the answer.

My wife went to individual counseling but she really didn't like that.  One suggestion from her therapist was to have a "sex night" once a week.  Guess

what?  That lasted about a month and then we cycled back to zero sex.

Finally, I signed up for individual counseling and joined a therapy group for people with marriage issues.  That helped ME cope (allowed me to vent and helped me find some distractions) but it didn't do anything to fix the root of the problem.

 

I'm at the point now where I don't think I can do anything else.  In fact, if I do anything else to try to fix things I believe I'll end up resenting my wife.

Obviously if divorce was an option I would have taken it by now, but I do not want a divorce and neither does my wife.  

At one point, about a year ago, my wife admitted to me that she was not fulfilling her "to have and to hold" marriage vow and that she would let me have sex with someone else if that's what it took for us to stay married.  I don't know if she really thought that through completely before she said it to me, but now I'm wondering:  Should I take her up on it or at least ask her about it again?

September 25, 2013
8:32 pm
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If she lets you have sex with someone else and you want to take her up on her offer then go for it.

September 27, 2013
11:28 am
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lcor
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I'm not sure how to bring it up again.  How does one turn to his wife of over 10 years and say "you're still cool with me hooking up with random girls, right?"

Any thoughts on how to start this discussion?

January 4, 2014
12:56 am
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BlueFire86
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Hi new here. uhhh to ME that would say that shes basically letting you go. Not only that but shes doing it in an indirect way, kind of like a "its not you its me" thing so YOU'll be the first one to step out on her so she wont have really done anything wrong. I know if i said that to my husband of 4 years, at that point i would have to have already mentally checked out. it sounds like shes giving you a big "whatever do what you want i dont care anymore" = /

January 4, 2014
7:22 am
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When people do not behave or think positive towards each other it will cause intimacy to disappear. When intimacy dies love dies. This woman has negative feelings towards her husband which causes her to reject him. The fact she is encouraging him to have sex with someone else means she doesn't care about him. All attempts at counseling have failed. Now this guy would like to take his wife up on her offer to have sex with other woman. Right now this couple is stuck and in denial that their marriage is over. This guy should end his marriage emotionally before he starts making plans to have sex with another woman. 

Maybe the concept of "til death do we part", "forsaking all others" and the rest of the rhetoric is only found on a page in ancient history. Looking towards the future I'm sure that pologamy will become the new normal. 

February 13, 2014
8:01 pm
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ShiningLight
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Marriage counselor can be of great help especially when it comes to intimacy and sex-related issues. You just have to try and figure things out.

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