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help with lying husband who finally admits to cheating before
May 29, 2014
6:54 am
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nononono123
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Just yesterday I confronted my husband for the it feels like 100th time for the truth, 4 months into our relationship, we were living together, i was pregnant to him and a full time carer to his two very young sons from his previous marriage while he was deploying back and forward, at this time he was in another country. In july (3 months later) he had got a text from a 19 year old girl (my friends found this out because they called the number) "kisses miss you keep in touch" with her email, i asked him, hey whats this about. he FREAKED. i of course being hormonal and pregnant and having doubts because i had found him still on about 4 dating sites, and with MILLIONS of girls emails and fbs, i asked him hey, if something honestly just tell me, i understand you probably freaked out new relationship, pregnant its alot to handle but you know i became an instant mother to your two boys 24/7 in a foreign country, its not like i am having a vacation either here. he denied it said they met at a bar and his buddy gave his number. I saw his buddy a week later who saw me and RAN, who usually was like a brother, i followed him and asked…did i do something wrong?? whats up? he couldn't make eye contact, i was like man whats UP. i immediately realized, "you were with him weren't you. what happened?" he choked up and replied "I'm sorry, i wanted her, but he took her" ……speechless i stood there, with his two little boys (who i had play while we talked), as he explained what had happened. i still couldn't believe it. he begged me not to tell him what he said. he gave me the girls name on fb to back up the story. i asked why he wouldn't just cover for him, he said, because we all know how much you do for him and we are tired of seeing this s$%." i was so humiliated. so i emailed the girl a nice emial just to clarify, she emailed back and then called me, they had go out danced, got wasted, next day met up for coffee and spent the day together getting ice cream. 30 yr and a 19 yr old. hmmm. so i confronted him again. he denied it. swore on EVERYTHING it was all lies. this went on for 2.5 yrs. in the duration i would find emails, texts, Skype logs with Skype calls and messages on a secret Skype account just for these girls, the same times he would messaging me and his kids, he would on to them. every time he went away for a trip. even posting up on PUA sites bragging about sleeping with girls. the same time he had ordered my engagement ring and our baby shower was planned he was still going out, picking up chicks. everyone would tell me, i would ask him hey i just want the truth, i can move past this if i know i can count on you telling me the truth, if you f$%d up, fine, it happens but i need to know i can count on you and what you say. FAST FORWARD…. 2.5 yrs later, we have been married 2 years, and have another child, so yes i am a mother of four who are my entire life. So things are great it seems, every now and then something pops up from the past, but we push it to the side as we have worked through my trust issues as we have had deep talks about what he was like before we got married. he swore… NOTHING physical every happened. every single time, he swore. so i believed him, and was like okay. I'm here for you, i know it was hard the first year but we got through it. its a pretty unusual situation. so he comes back from another deployment… i start getting strange fb messages again, i just shrug it off. then while on Skype setting up our sons account to Skype their grandma, i search for me, to add, for all the family. another Skype pops up with my husbands details. i confront him. he denies its his. swears to god for 2 hrs that he would NEVER lie to me, its not his. so… i walk to his bags, pull out his computer, and sign on…right there in the Skype application already logged is….THAT very Skype account. he gets home, i tell him i know. he denys it. denys it. finally i show him. and he responds… i can't remember the last time i used that. i have so many i can't remember. it is mine, but its for my work. I'm in the military and i need it for work. so…. being respectful and at that point where i believe we have worked through the trust issues i am like …okay no pobrlem. i respect that its work. and leave it alone. of course a few days later, curiosity gets best of me, and i log onto it, remembering his old password. it has not one single thing about work, its the old hookup Skype for girls. its not the point of what it was, and what he did BEFORE our married…he lied to my face NOW that we are married. I feel betrayed. so ….yesterday he comes home. I say.. hey so that Skype, and he said omg i have told you its not mine… i show him the pictures of the entire Skype log. he almost dies. without being upset i just say, okay if you can lie to me about this, what else can you lie to me about. i dont care what happened in the past, i just want the truth I've begged you for 2.5 yrs and you have made me think I'm going crazy.
he sits there, tears rolling down his cheeks, shaking, "i haven't done ANYTHING since we have been married, but i did f$%k at least one girl in *******, and i kissed the girl you called, well that i can remember it was one i can't tell you exactly how many i can't remember, but i have never been physical with anyone but you again and i ve been faithful since we have been married but yes i used that Skype to meet up and see girls" 
………………………………………..
finally i get the truth, i feel like a weight has been lifted. but what now, i feel numb. he keep saying it shouldn't matter it was before we were married. but if i had of done that he would have dumped me on the street. i do not know where to go from here. he's lied SO much, he even admitted he has told me so many lies he can't remember which are truth and doesn't want to open up any more drama. he cannot tell me if there are other things that happened before we were married because he can't remember, he can't guarantee more stuff will come up. but he can guarantee that when he goes away again this won't happen, that he's changed and tried to be a better man and he knows he doesn't deserve me but he wants to go to counseling and make it work. im so confused. if he can lie to me SO long, what is going to stop him now. the lies on lies. i have given him so many chances and I'm exhausted. this has defined and been the foundation of our relationship. you can't just snap your fingers and fix this, which is what he wants. i dont know if i can ever touch him again, its one thing to cheat but to lie to me for so long. i just dont know. any advice?

May 30, 2014
3:50 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Dear nononono:

 

He will always cheat.  Especially until he grows up & that might be never.  The counselling might help you, but until he is really ready to respect you  & his children & really understand what he has in his life, I regret to tell you that you will suffer more.  I am certain that you really care for him & that you want to trust that he will not repeat his past mistakes, but since this might not happen, you will be hurt again & trust less.  Either you accept that this is who this man is & you accept that he cannot stop cheating, or you go for counselling for yourself & make some difficult choices.  In the end, all you can change is what you do next. Marriage is a very beautiful yet dangerous union & when trust and honesty is compromised it is never an easy road.  Is he a good father to your children?  Does he treat you with respect when he is with you?  I have learned that some men find the formative years of a marriage, particularly during the child rearing years to be something they just cannot cope with.  I think those are the men that for some reason lost either something important from their own Father's or their Mother's.  If your husband continues to cheat as the children get older, they will know, no matter how hard you try to hide it from them.  They will hurt for themselves & for you.  Do you think that you & the children deserve this?  I am very sorry for your troubles.  Sometimes prayer can help if you have faith.  Does your husband have faith?  Is their any kind of spiritual or religious guidance that as a family you are receiving?  I know it sounds corny in 2014, but sometimes it helps.

 

One Day

May 30, 2014
8:55 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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I just wanted to add that cheating in a marriage does not always imply sex with another woman.  Cheating is when either the husband or the wife are neglecting their vows as a married couple.  A man might not cheat with another woman, maybe he is secretly gay & he does not tell her.  Maybe he has fallen prey to an addiction which he has traded for her love.  And of course, it's the dishonesty overall that truly ruins any marriage in the end.  Please to any men reading this, I know that women are also capable of hurting their husbands this way also.  In the end I believe it's about respect.  If you are not honest regardless of how the other person will react, you have nothing left.

 

One Day

February 23, 2015
11:47 am
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emily430
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QA

April 1, 2015
9:21 am
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jane150
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