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Going to lunch with co-workers
July 11, 2014
4:11 pm
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torbarr
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My wife and I are on a disagreement and we are looking for some help so that we can move on until we can get therapy. 

Today I was at work and had an easy morning due to system issues at work. I chatted with my wife for a while, and started watching a documentary and working with the system issues at the same time. Sometime in the morning my co-worker who I'm going to call Juan, reminded me that another co-worker, who I'm going to name Mary, invited us to go to lunch with her. Mary invited another co-worker, cyndi, and Mary and Cindy went in one car and Juan and I in another car and met them at the restaurant.

While at the restaurant, my wife had sent me two emails that I hadn't seen at the time, and 10 minutes later she sent me a whatsapp message asking me what I was doing. I reply and told her that I was at lunch with, Mary, cyndi, and Juan. At that point she immediately reply and said, oh so that's why you are ignoring me. Why didn't you tell me that you had plans to go to lunch with these women? Every time you are with women from work you ignored me. I was like OMG, really? 

I said, baby you just asked me what I was doing and I told you what I was doing and with who. We are having lunch and is a group of people from work. She accused me of lying to her because I was hiding that I had plans to go to lunch with them. I said, I didn't eve think about it. You know I got to lunch every day and most of the time is with guy friends, but this time Mary invited us and we said yes. I don't see what is so bad about that. I didn't lie or hide anything from you because I told you what I was doing and who with. I could had easily lie and we wouldn't be having this conversation right now, but I want to be honest and still you find something to argue about and tell me how I always mess things up and I am always the reason why we argue.

Her point is that whenever you do something that is not related to work and out of work and with people of the oposit sex, you have the responsibility not to ask for permission or checking with your partner, but participate about your plans, just because you have to avoid any kind of miss understanding like this one, and I ask my self and ask him, what it would be if it was the other way around? he says he wouldn't mind, but I don't think so, he is just defending his position.

I told her that I don't always tell her when I'm going to lunch or with who because that is something I do every day. And I told her that I didn't even remember that Mary had asked Juan to go to lunch until this morning when Juan reminded me.

We could not see each other's point and I just asked her to just put this behind us and wait until we both go to therapy. When I got home, I went to give her a kiss and say hi to her and she gave me a really nasty look and didn't even returned my kiss. I told her that I was really trying to understand her point but that I think her jealousy is so bad that she is making things way bigger than what they really are.

She completely disagree with me and I just asked her to write her side of the story and her point of view and I will do the same and we will post it and see what different people think about it. So here we are. 

We hope to hear your advise.

Thank you.

July 12, 2014
8:05 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Torbarr:

In my opinion you did nothing wrong.  Your wife needs to find something to do with her extra time.  Therapy I don't think is required.

 

One Day

July 17, 2014
1:16 pm
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tiffknee
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I don't think it is that simple as her being out of line, and her having too much time on her hands as Torbarr posted above.  John Gottman, Ph.D.  is a top researcher and marriage specialist, and he says couples have something called a "love map".  In other words, they know what the others dreams, goals, ups/downs, and yes - even what each other's whereabouts entail.  It sounds like you took the effort to drive separately with Juan out of courtesy and thoughtfulness, and knowing that since you are co-workers and it is platonic you should do that.  However, you probably should've just went somewhere with just Juan.  Just the fact that you drove separate tells a story of precaution.  I think an apology would go a long way, and also this brings to light an opportunity to be closer.  Hash it out - different scenarios.  If she ran into her high school sweetheart, if you had another similar situation, etc.  It is okay to protect your marriage and put hospital corners around it.  If you guys have a good marriage, and this is sticking point then compromise, see it from her shoes, etc.

 

You knew it wasn't the best thing just by the fact you drove separate.

 

My two cents!

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