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Emotional/Semi-Physical Affair
August 19, 2014
2:04 pm
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mn2hughes
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August 19, 2014
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Hello, this is my first time posting here and I am looking for advice. This will be kind of a long post so please bare with me. 

 

My wife and I have been together for just over 8 years. When we met she was a single mother of twins, and I was a single father of two. We got together and after a short while were blessed with a beautfil baby girl (who has a mild motor delay disability). Over the years we have never really had anything to fight over, except the occasional oops i spent to much in the bank account and normal daily problems that everyone deals with. All in all it has been a great marriage, and I thought still strong. My wife and I have over come so much with these five kids, from living with her parents, to renting, to a possible eviction at one point, her adopting my children, me supporting her through problems with her ex-husband, being unemployed, joining the military as a reservist (i was once active duty before I met her) and then both of us achieving degrees, her her bachelors in counceling/social work and me a generic associates with a journeymans licence in low voltage electrical. We finally bought our first home together two years ago. 

 

Now with five kids we do not seem to get out much, and never really have, however I have always given her the freedom to go out while I stayed at home and watched the kids, when they were younger this was fine, but over the last couple years it has gotten to where I have resented her a little for it. Over the years she has had a few instances where she drank at the bar, and maybe a guy made a move and she kissed him back or whatever, but she would alwasy come home and tell me, we would eventually laugh about it and she would always reassure me that she comes home to me 🙂 I was okay with this for the most part because while it sucked I knew that it really didnt mean anything because in our hearts w were together. and that is all that mattered. 

 

Starting last year however a friend of mine was stationed in El Salvador alone as a reservist and was not having a very good time of it (he was in my military unit). SO i began to send him care packages, and chatting with him online more, however sometime I could not make it to the post office so I would have my wife send the package, they soon became friends on facebook. AT first I really didnt mind, until I started to notice exactly how much time she would spend talking to him, soon our own conversations would include my friend, and stuff he said and what not. Again I really didnt mind, she has had other plutonic male friends in the past, and this guy was a buddy, so no big deal. Eventually however he came back to his life and his girlfriend and I figured that would pretty much be the end of it, however they still continued to corrospond. I let her know that it was getting to the point where I was beginning to feel uncomfotorable with the situation, she would reaasure that they were just friends, let me read their conversations and what not and that would be the end of it. 

 

SO fast forward c a few months, I am starting to get annoyed because she talks to him on messenger while we are laying in bed together. I would sigh, and make my displeasure known (at this time she was already tired of hearing about it, yet contnued to insist to herself and to me that they were just friends, and that maybe she thought he was knd of gay) SO I would go out and play xbox, life was comftorable, there was nothing that we had to really struggle through anymore besides having five kids which we had already become pros at. We started to become more and more distant. 

 

Fast forward to us all getting together for beers now and again, and then her meeting up with him for drinks without me, and then coming home. All the red flags were there and this had now become a source of contention between us. SO I decided I wanted to be happy instead of right and I just started burying my annoyance with her. I began to talk to him more, include him more of our parties, and get togethers. He helped me out when I began to build my new rifle, and I helped him find a good job witha former coworker of mine. All in all I thought I was being the bigger man and thought if I made him a close friend, my wife and I started doing more stuff together and things seemed to be going great all in all. until....

 

St. Patricks day this year (actually a couple days before) We had him up for beers and car bombs and food. A couple other friends were supposed to show up but never did. My friend and I went out with one of my boys that morning and shot our new rifles we had built, then came home and let the drinking commence. While I was gone my wife did her hair, makeup, put on a low cut dress, and was simply stunning. However it didnt take long to feel like the third wheel, she was flirting pretty hard with him, and all right in front of me, I do not even think she realized what she was doing. SO I got pissed and ended up passing out around 8:30 or so drunk. I woke up at 11:30 that night in my room, light off, door shut, not really knowing where I was, So I went to get some water, all the lights were off in the house and the TV was on. THat is where I found my wife (still clothed) mounted on top of my friend with some very heavy petting going on from both sides. I was shocked, I think I actually was in shock. I was dealthly calm and watched for a few minutes. Then in a very soft voice I said "Michael, I think you should leave now" and he did with incredible speed. My wife was embarrassed and obviously very drunk, she tried to grab her keys and leave, I Took them from her, put her to bed, and didnt sleep the rest of the night. THe next morning I took care of her as she was still out of it from her hangover, I never yelled, I was very hurt, and we talked, for a long time we talked. She said that what happened with him was way to easy, that she hadnt even thought of him like that before, and their conversations reflected as much on FB. So we agreed to put it behind us, I told her that she had to end this friendship with him and she agreed. 

 

Of course that didnt happen since then it has contnued, I even try to accept him back and bring it all back together again, however they seem to get physical now everytime they meet eachother. SO on my most recent TDY (she hadnt been talking to him for a while now that I know of because I had been checking) they began talking again, they met up while I was gone, she lied about it, he admitted to her that he loved her, and I reacted badly when I got back. All the repressed anger over the situation bubbled out, and I asked her "DId he at least use a fucking condom?"

 

My fuck up I know, way the wrong thing to say, but I was so frustrated with it, I have been patient, I have been trying to make this work. Anyways, she told me that was the last straw, i finally told the dudes girlfriend, and he messaged me calling me a cuckhold and that I would regret that. THe next day my wife and I began sleeping seperatly. Then she told me that she wanted to seperate because she said I would never let go what happened between her and my friend. 

 

Its been during this time that I have come to realize how much I love her, and how much I need her in my life. I can honestly forgive anything that came before, I am trying to convey that to her. She says she doesent love him, and I think I am making progress, but she says that while she still loves me I do not give her butterflies anymore, and that we are both just unhappy. I want to salvage this marriage, I want to make it work. I think that she does too, but she can not sort her feelings out for this guy. I am at a loss as to what to do. Yesterday we both played hooky and spent the entire day in bed together mostly cuddling and what not, which is the first real intamcy we have had since this all happened a few weeks back. I told her I am not going anywhere and that I would wait for her but I told her I was not willing to share her with someone else. 

 

My approach so far has been thus. 

1. I have dedicated more and more time to my children. 

2. I have put more time and effort into our house and all the chores that go along with it. 

3. I am showing her laughter and smiles (though sometimes it feels as though im dying inside)

4. I tell her I love her every day, though she doesnt say it back to me very often. 

5. I make sure the kids are only seeing happiness. 

6. I go out of my way to do nice things for her (i used to do that alot, though it had been lacking after the incidents with my friend)

 

I am trying to make it work. To show her stability, kindness, and forgiveness. However the best way to describe how this feels is like this. 

 

Its like she is a house, which I am in, but I am stuck in a never ending narrow hallway. the walls are smooth with nothing to gain a grip or a purchase on, and then I will come to a door and will be able to get in for a while. Then she will talk to this guy and I will be pushed back into the hall with me probing and knocking all the walls trying to find another door in which I can enter. Yesterday I found a door and was mostly inside I thought, I amde her smile and laugh, and then in the evening they bagan to talk again, and I was once again pushed into the hall. This invisible wall showed up in our bed and I was left on the otherside watching her smile and laugh to her phone. 

 

How can I compete with the new butterflies this guy gives her, how can I rekindle that spark we had? How can I show her how devoted and steadfast I am being? 

 

Thank you for taking the time to read that. It sounds pathetic after typing it all out. But what have I got to lose now except try...

August 20, 2014
4:50 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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I respect that you took the time to tell your tale.  I enjoyed the analogy of the house, very poetic.  It seems quite obvious to me that your wife does not know what she wants (from your viewpoint).  I think that you should stop trying to give her advice & stop trying to "smooth things over" for her, for your children & especially for yourself.  I think repressed anger pretending to be compassion or patience is a seriously horrid way to continue living.  Go seek some professional advice for yourself & make a decision about the state of your marriage.  If you don't take a stand on what is acceptable for you as a partner in this relationship, then you are cheating yourself.

 

One day

August 20, 2014
10:57 pm
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mn2hughes
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I have put the shit with the dude behind me. All I can do right now is love her and the kids. I think that by putting my full effort into that will go a long way. I understand how and why the relationship began, I handled it wrongly and fixated on something that was not initially there. Had I focused in the beginning on being an awesome dad and husband I do not think that things would have turned out the way they have. By me going down that road of they could be doing this, or they could be doing that, I did nothing but push her away. I have made a stand on this guy before in the past, and I think that she would have accepted it had I been able to really and truely let it go before, however I was unable to swallow my pride and due to past relationships let that line of thinking drive her away to someone who would listen to her what happened during her day, make her smile, and fil that need that I was no longer providing for her. I am not saying that what she has been doing is right, nor am I condoning it, however if I am going to pick her apart for her faults, I have to take a good hard look at myself and figure out what I could have done to do things better. Surprised

August 21, 2014
5:46 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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I don't think I told you to pick her apart in any part of my post.  It is entirely between you & your family to decide boundaries and acceptable choices.  What you & your wife decide to do or try to undo or redo, is none of my business.

 

Good Luck

One Day

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