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dealing with a manipulative, condescending spouse--or is it me?
July 9, 2014
8:02 am
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JED27
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July 9, 2014
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My husband and I have been married for a little over a year. We have a 15-month old together, and I have taken on the amazing role of Step-mommy to his 3 YO daughter. In February, I found my husband communicating with women on an online hook-up site as well as hotel confirmations. Though I confronted him, he denied having acted on anything and still claims that he didn't cheat. I suggested counseling, he declined saying that we were fine.

We were (and are) iin the process of building a home and we moved forward with the process. He continues to be very condescending and dismissive of my opinions. For instance, if I simply suggest putting a bigger baby gate up, he looks at me like I'm nuts and suggets we just close the door. When I didn't buy my Dad a father's day gift (because hubby didn't think I needed to) he thought I was nuts for feeling bad. I feel that nothing I say carries any value when it comes to my feelngs or opinions. This past weekend, I confronted him about that and he says that it is MY problem, as I am overly sensitive and choose to allow his comments  to MAKE me feel that way. I've always been very mindful of my reactions, as I put great thought into my responses. I feel as though I try to remain calm, and speak to him in a respecttful manner, if I even say anything back at all. 

Today, he told me he was going out with  some guys this Friday night, guys that I've never met, and I simply asked who they were. WHOA! He went off on me. First, he said that he can't do anything without me wanting to know what and where. He has a problem with me asking him what time he should be home after work, or if he says he's stopping at the store I shouldnt ask him for what. All of my questions, to me, seem like normal questions from one spouse to another. Then, he went on to explain that he can't watch TV without me trying to talk to him about "shit" he doesn't care about. Or that he can't go sit on the porch after work, or downstais to play a video game, without me coming outside with the baby or wanting to be out there with him. He continued by saying that I make him want to kill himself so that he can have some peace and quiet and that he works like a slave all day for me (I work full-time as a social worker, which is stressful too). He says he's tired of coming home and having to deal with my 'shit". I don't feel that I nag him, I simply want to hang out with him after we've been working all day. Anyway, he goes on and on and on.

Yes, he is a hard worker, he is helpful around the house, he is great to our kids, we enjoy our time when together, etc. However, the projection he places on me and his way of making me feel as though I'm constantly annoying and bother him, is starting to wear on me and I am tired. I am always the one who is wrong. I appreciate his feelings and if he asked for some more alone time, I would have no problem. But it seems to be much more than that and I'm confused. While I'm not asking anyone what I should do--I'm wondering how many people have dealt with something like that.  How did you make it work, or did you leave? Also, marriage counseling is not an option as he has refused to go. Thanks in advance.

July 10, 2014
5:29 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Dear Jedi27,

It does not sound like he is respecting you as a human being.  First you speak about the possibility of him being dishonest about where he goes & also the concept of possible cheating.  Then you relay that he does not take your choices, e.g. - wanting to get a present for your father on fathers day seriously.  It seems like your husband works hard at being rather selfish if you ask me.  I might be wrong, but I thought marriage was being equal partners & that decisions were made together.

If you decide to stay with him even after he refuses to at least allow a therapist to try to address some of your very valid concerns, then my advice would be to begin to give him more than enough space & time alone.

By this I mean you forget trying to get closer to him when he is focusing on nothing but himself & you find yourself things to do either within the home or out of the home with friends of your own.  Even if it just means you start by taking a walk during his times when he refers to you as being a nag. If he asks where you are going, tell him you are meeting new friends for the first time.Smile

Build your own life & watch what happens.  Don't ever let him think that you are his playtoy or that he has this entitled sense of selfishness where he makes your questions and opinions mean nothing.  It's funny when we start to take good care of ourself, how those who were mistreating us, stop the mistreatment.

Remember the children are also his responsibility.  Make sure he understands that you and him are equal partners emotionally, spiritually, intellectually & physically.  You are not his nanny, not his housemaid, not his little puppet.  You are his wife.

 

One Day

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