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Crisis in Marriage/Family
April 11, 2015
9:37 pm
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TroubledPastures
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April 11, 2015
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hi, new to this forum, and writing 1:00am my time.  I desperately hope I can save my marriage and family. Have kids. So much to say, so much I've gone through. And always on the edge of walking (no running away). I feel I can't live under my roof anymore w/my situation turned upside down.  I have no peace morning/day/night - except when I'm out at work, and dread the weekends - it sounds terrible and never used to be this way.

The biggest problem is, may have heard this before, my MIL has been living with us for over a year and its above and beyond.  This is not the sweet little lady that has boundaries and respects me and treats me as her own son, heck not even like a human being, but she is an embittered dragon lady, negative, divorced, man-hating and suctioned onto my wife.  We (me and the MIL) disagree on about everything from A-Z.  And because of that, I am a dumb man who knows nothing about life, or how to raise my kids, or how to be a good father, or good husband.  She has said on more than one occasion (and this is the nice stuff) I don't exist and am dead to her) walking all about my house, with the tv remote in her pocket. (the tv part is minor), and treats me inhumanely.

 And the MIL actually threatens me, and tells me things that I will pay for this and that (primarily for marrying her daughter I presume). She talks about me day and night, has no life of her own, except to destroy mine and my marriage, and REFUSES to go home.  All this suits my wife just fine.  THey have grown an unhealthy co-dependency.  And I cannot live under the same roof as THAT woman anymore.

I love and adore my kids, still love my wife, and tell her this everyday, but she just tramples on my emotions, and say its not true.  This is what her MOM says all the time - I don't love anyone but myself. The MIL has totally poisoned my wife, and even the kids against me.  I tried so many things, from being nice, to ignoring, to walking out of the house, locking myself in the bedroom, but this woman is unstoppable.

I ultimately blame myself for not setting any boundaries, and it's gotten WAY out of hand.  My wife apparently has chosen MOMMY over her husband.  I am far from perfect, but I really do work hard at work, and at home, and to give time to kids, but it is a TOXIC environment, and wondering if having a father around everyday being insulted, disrespected and disgraced everyday is any better than if I left, and saw them occasionally.  These words make me sick. And I don't want to leave my family so the MIL can continue to poison the well, and probably give her what she wants.  My poor kids would become generation 3, of negative, bitter, father-hating people, and don't know how this will affect their own relationships.

I need serious therapy, bc I cant function on all cylinders anymore.  I need to at least learn to completely 100% tune all this out - the insults, the threats, the put-downs,the cursing and screaming - by my MIL.

My wife, who I basically on more than one occasion told her we can have a good marriage if there's not a third wheel directing our entire existence.  She always shuts me up, closes her ears, and goes on.

My wife, often tag teams with her, as mommy can never do any wrong. Sometimes they fight, but I stay WAY clear of that. But never fear, the scapegoat is here.  Everything is blamed on me, and my kids are getting influenced negatively. I take responsibility for letting this happen. When my wife wanted her to come over, I ran to pick MIL up, and acted as more of a son to her than her own son (who BTW cannot stand her!). I try to avoid her like the plague, but even my kids are like, did you hear what grandma said about you? yada yada yada.  I usually don't react to that, but inside it upsets me, more so that the kids are in middle.  The MIL tells US that we don't know how to parent, yet when we try to discipline, they run to safety net grandma for a hug and a kiss.  If my wife and I argue, and forgive each other, this one MIL, seriously is like, remember what your husband said or did 2 days ago, weeks ago, years ago.  SHE IS A CAN OF GASOLINE!! CLEARLY, CLEARLY, CLEARLY, she HAS TO GO, but she basically said she's never leaving as long as my wife "needs" her.  Or until I blow up and die.  I usually don't answer or ignore or react, but then it builds up, and when I yell, the house shakes, and then I'm immediately the "bad guy"  And then the MIL says I abuse and disrespect her. I probably need to perfect how to zone out. 

When my wife and I are out, anywhere, park, parties, restaurant, shopping, mall, we virtually NEVER argue.  90% of our arguments is about HER MOTHER.  And usually the MIL starts these. I am evil, I am the enemy, I am a loser, mental, etc. etc. etc. Forget the unkindness of it, it's insanity. And I am going insane.  I don't know what to do anymore, and how to be a good role model to my kids, when I'm under constant attack, attack, attack from this sick woman.  Even recently, when I called my wife over to help with kids, MIL starts screaming that I purposely interrupt her conversation, so she can't talk to her daughter. She is highly paranoid.  My wife has become almost a carbon copy - and for obvious issues has major trust and insecurity issues. 

Years of loyalty, love, dedication to her, my kids, and her family, but I am treated like a third wheel in my own home. I am stressed with constant anxiety. I beg my wife to goto marriage counseling with me, but she thinks its a big joke, and the only one with something wrong is me. There is more, but I'll stop for now. Please advise.CryConfused

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