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Becoming Increasingly Angry At Nagging Wife, But She Avoids Counseling
January 5, 2014
11:35 pm
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NorskerSword
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I believe that communication is the most important thing about a relationship, but how do I improve/fix a relationship when my wife gives me a cold shoulder or downplays it when I want to talk? I tried to seek counseling, even found a way to pay for it, but I couldn't get her to attend. She obviously knows that something in her has to change, but I think she is afraid of change or looking at herself.

My gripe is this: She is constantly nagging me and putting me down. I could understand this happening to some guys that might deserve it sometimes, but she judges and critizises me in ways that don't make sense. She will tell me I'm lazy and need to find work, after I've just gotten off of work! I am also a full-time college student, which she also doesn't seem to understand. She is always calling me lazy and "like a kid". She will tell me I don't do anything around the house as I'm doing laundry or something (she never has to tell me). She always tells me all I do is play video games and watch movies, while I have little time to do either. Whenever she is home, I focus all of my attention on her and invite her to go out with me. I think she might be doing this for attention, but how could she still need more?!

She is also miserable with her work life, to which she feels trapped by. This might be a case of "misery loves company." She is sending money to support her aging parents in another country, and so works two jobs and doesn't sleep enough. I am actually disabled and am limited to how much I can work, which can all change if I can just finish school (making me a skilled worker). She has 12 brothers and sisters! Simple math would solve her problem to support her parents, but she insists that it has to all be on her, which causes her stress. Maybe she doesn't trust her siblings, but she has to make major changes if she ever wants to have a life of her own. Her parents' medication bills are always rising...It is inevitable that the status queue will have to change soon.

She is also baby-crazy. Her bio clock is starting to tick at 34, but I don't want to have a kid with parents who are never home. We do not have available babysitters on hand. My loser parents were never an option. She doesn't think realistically on this, but if we were ever able to make a living I would want to have kids then. I realize she may be angry about my decision.

So how do I talk to her? I am feeling myself becoming more and more angry when she talks down to me. Increasingly sensitive. I have had a life-time of being bullied; by parents, classmates, coworkers, and a past relationship, and I won't stand for my wife to be a bully, too. It really makes me hate people in general. How can I learn to love myself when nobody else thinks I'm worthy of love? She doesn't understand she is killing our relationship. I realize, though, that for someone to change, they have to make the decision to change. But do I just wait for my love for her to sizzle out?? I am considering just disappearing for a week just to test her reaction. Speaking and listening are both important, but she doesn't know how to listen.

I believe that there are few things more selfish than taking your problems out on others.

January 6, 2014
12:10 am
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BlueFire86
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Hmm ive seen these types of relationships before and usually the only reason the put down feeling person stays is because its comfortable and they feel their too old or etc to "start over" but i think if you really want to try to work on her first before considering possibly walking away (if thats even in your head) i say trying a few things here and there to get her attention.

You have clearly stated that she refuses counseling. OK, well then YOU are going to have to do the foot work here psychologically to shake her alittle and say "hey wake the eff up because your treating me like dirt and i dont like it".

Have you considered walking into whatever room shes into and stopping whatever shes doing and saying "hey we need to talk" or asking if we can just stop everything for a minute and have a serious conversation?" usually when women say this to MEN, its a sign that something is really bothering THEM and THEY wanna get their mans full attention.

When you stated that she "doesnt listen" have you considered trying something like "excuse meeee your talking AT me, not WITH ME right now and thats not a conversation and this is a two way street"  and this is very much TRUE, you deserve to be able to talk TO her and not be talked AT. no matter how messed up the situation is. she could be aware of the fact that youve been treated like this as a youngster and is using it against you.

I cant see vanishing for a week as a realistic solution, all youll do is stress/scary people more and this could cause a very bad chain reaction.

I say the best solution is to stay and try to get her to listen with a few tactics. if not after THAT, at least you can say you tried.

January 6, 2014
1:20 am
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NorskerSword
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I've done exactly all of the things you have suggested. I can already say I've tried. When I come back to her after an argument with a "we need to talk", she just kind of laughs at me and downplays it. But it is a big deal. This is her defense mechanism. She is afraid of what I will tell her and almost seems like she is ignoring me. Which makes me more mad in the longrun.

How do I make her realize the gravity of the situation? I may have to do something drastic to wake her up.

I believe that there are few things more selfish than taking your problems out on others.

January 6, 2014
8:41 am
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BlueFire86
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Well if you've tried saying "hey im tired of being talked to like that, i dont like it, and your going to find yourself ALONE one day" and she does nothing, then i dont see why you couldnt just leave for a few days and just take a break from each other. Dont ignore calls, and dont hide where you are from her, but letting her know why your leaving and that you need some time COULD be one way to go about it. if youve got a friend or family member to plan ahead and stay with for a week or so, then by all means take it, the time apart good be good for the both of you.

 

Maybe she needs to see that you really are serious and that you DO do things around the house that are expected. but if your going to go away for a week then stay AWAY FOR A WEEK, do not go running back to her the same night or the next day because she called crying. She obviously needs to learn that her actions have conciquences and that she cant go around treating people the way she does. its not ok. good luck, let us know what happens.

January 7, 2014
4:36 pm
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Norsker if this woman is everythng you don't want then, find a woman who is everything you do want.

January 9, 2014
10:52 pm
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BlueFire86
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Honestly, it sounds like she pushing you to a breaking point. I almost had this happen before, and it was the point where i felt like i may not have had anything left to give once that person finally realized they were screwing up. If this is the case for you after youve taken some time apart to get your head straight and for her to see things more clearly, then its time to move on.

 

The point of a break is to take some much need ME time for you both, if you go back after you feel youve have some time to decompress from her and as soon as you go back, when you look at her and all those horrible feelings come rushing back in and you find yourself unable to say to yourself "ok i can still do this with you as a partner" then its time to pack your bags. relationshionships take work on both sides, and if after all this time apart she still cant muster up something to give you then you basically wasting your time with a person that has nothing left to give because of everything shes going through.

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