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Zinnie- my progress
January 2, 2004
12:32 pm
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blondee
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Hi Zinnie
Today is treatment day if i am correct. How are you holding up?

You told me to keep you posted on my progress with the list thing. Well, to start my New Year off i confronted my husband...without any anger. He told me he understands much of what i told him. I only touched the surface things but he is willing to work with me on them. He agreed that we have a communication problem since day one and we are going to try to find ways to talk to each other. I asked him to make a list of all the things he doesn't like about me. I admitted to him that i started a lot of arguments just so he would talk to me. I think i have such a big issue about him not talking and watching so much television because that's how my dad was. He didn't interact very much with our family. So anyway, it's a start. If you can give me any other communication tips besides lists i would appreciate it.
Thanks

How you daughter doing well today.

January 2, 2004
12:51 pm
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artist 2
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Blondee, how are you? I have read your post and wanted to offer a suggestion...

On the making list thing, why not both of you make lists, bad and good about each other and share... i've tried that before and it brings about a feeling of communication. Even though it's kind of formal.

Another (yet kind of formal) way might be to make a "date" with him. Plan a time when you can work on something together and then get to talk.

I'm sorry you're not getting the attention you need.

Let me know how it goes...

January 2, 2004
2:05 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Blondee,

Sounds to me like you are making progress. The other think I was going to suggest is exactly what Artist did; and that is to make a "formal date." We did this as well, and would go out to a restaurant, that we knew would be quiet - sometimes, it was only a fast food place, but we knew that we could talk undisturbed. No phone calls, people dropping in, TV or radio and the dogs were not vying for our attention.

So many people it seems once married, get caught up in the raising of the children that they forget to concentrate on their relationship/marriage. Not saying that is what happened here, just saying...

Some how I have this feeling that once you and he get into this, you might find a whole new relationship with this person.

I also read on your HarryO thread, that you like the new sexual attention you get from men. Be careful of that. I'm not saying don't enjoy it just be careful. I'm gonna go out on a limb here, so bear with me.

I am about 5'7, and at one time (far far away, and LONG ago... hee hee), I was, and this is no kidding 48 - 25 - 35. This is natural, no implants. Even now I wear a 42I bra size. I had thick curly dark brown auburn hair down to my waist, deep green eyes, and am a dark olive complexion. I LOVED the attention I got, until I realized what the connotations behind it was. I found myself in some pretty bad and scary positions, especially for being so young. Be careful of men that are that forward... sorry to me it only means they wanted me for one thing, and it is not the fact that I have a brain or my sterling personality.

Also, you have said that your physical life with your husband has diminished. You said that you have your own rooms, but you are waiting for him to come to you. Perhaps you need to go knocking on his door... if that is what you are wanting. Just a thought.

I'm so glad you are really working on this, not only for the sake of your marriage, but for yourself as well.

Also, if your husband is so willing to do this he knows that there are problems and that you are unhappy and he just not know what to do. So many times this is the case as we find out our spouses are not mind readers.

At the end of it all, you two might find out you really are in love, and just needed to work through it, or you might find out that it is for the best that you both move on. But, by doing this work, should you decide there is no other alternative but to move on is at least you can do so in peace and as friends, for the sake of your children and grand-children.

Keep me posted, and good luck.

Z.

January 2, 2004
3:39 pm
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A book that I picked up recently, almost as a joke, Judy Blume, "Wifey". It was written in the late 70's. At times it's almost pornographic, and in fact, the tagline on the front is something like "about an average housewife with a very dirty mind..." or some such thing. It's not for those who get easily offended by cuss words and sexually explicit scenes. It's tough to classify, since it's written like a dirty novel, but there is another story going on throughout, and that is the story that was most interesting to me.

What intrigued me most about the book was the thought processes and development that "wifey" goes through, from having no thoughts of her own and literally living to serve her husband and her children, to trying to spread her wings and get to know herself... how common it is for women who feel trapped and unloved to seek solace in fantasy and imagined "pure" love in the arms of another.

It's also an interesting read on race relations at the time, what was considered "proper" behavior for wives at the time, etc.

25, 30 years ago, just in the span of my lifetime, things have come so far in so many areas, but there is still a long way to go.

January 2, 2004
4:31 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Blondee,

Sorry to be so disjointed here, but I'm working, and had treatment this morning... so I'm running in 20 different directions right now, instead of the normal 15!

Anyway, both times I married men who could care less what I look like. I have put on weight in recent years, and yet my husband tells me every day that I'm the most beautiful woman he knows.

My first husband told me, "when I met you, I almost fell flat on my face you were so gorgeous, but it was when I got to know you that I fell in love with you because of your big heart, your charm (had him fooled), and your mind."

To me both of my husbands have been the best looking men around. To others they appear "scary" - but then I like to think that I looked past the outside.

I hope this makes sense.

Love,

Z.

January 2, 2004
8:01 pm
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Hi Zinnie,
Everything you said makes sense to me and from your description of yourself in younger days you sound like you were a knockout. Don't worry as far as the sexual attention i am very shy about that. I'm not looking for trouble and i am pretty much a very good girl. It is just something new for me. My husband doesn't care if my hair is purple. He loves me for myself. You are right in saying that we got caught up with the kids..we did. We never made time to be alone. Tonight we actually went shopping and out to eat. I am going to continue working on the lists. I'm nowhere near finished but we got off to a good start. My husband said he knows there are problems but he doesn't know what to do so he does nothing. He said i am a very hard person to confront. Hey guess what? He actually made a decision tonight...where to go to eat. He would never do that in the past. Maybe there is a chance for us yet. We even rented a movie to watch together. We haven't done that in about 5 years.
I will keep you posted
Thanks Zinnie your input means a lot.
Hope you're feeling better after your treatment today.
Love
Blondee

January 2, 2004
8:11 pm
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Zinnie
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Thank you for your compliment Blondee. It's funny to hear that because I have never considered myself pretty at all. My sister is very pretty, and my Mom always referred to that.

She always gave me a hard time about being 10 - 15 lbs. over weight. So, when people would tell me I was pretty I was always surprised. Convinced they were only saying that to make me feel better about myself.

It was odd to see folks at my sister's wedding, and they all said things like "oh, you were such a pretty girl, you have aged well" - which was nice to hear. Guess I still look the same, just a little rounder, and short short hair. When I had chemo before a lot of my hair fell out, so I cut it really short. Spikey even. I'm geting ready to do that again as it's thinning again.

But, anyway, enough about me...

I'm so proud of you! I'm glad to hear that you and your husband are talking. Really talking, and he is trying too. How does it feel? Are you happier now?

Love,

Zinnie

January 2, 2004
8:12 pm
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Hi Ginger,
I am going to try to borrow the "wifey" book from the library as well as the yoga tapes. They were closed tonight but i will be there first thing tomorrow. At least maybe the yoga will help me with my flexibility. I am a bigtime reader so i will definetly enjoy wifey if i can find it. I need all the insight i can get.
Thanks alot!

January 2, 2004
8:17 pm
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blondee
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Hi Artist2
I'm doing okay how about you? You sound better now then you did this morning. In previous threads I thought that you were pretty sure you wanted to move out of your b/f's and just rent the studio. What happened to change that thought?
Thanks for the advice about making lists..i'm making a new one titled what I need. I asked my husband to do the same as well as making a list with all the little and big things he doesn't like about me..We'll go from there..who knows maybe we'll have a second chance.
Thanks for caring 🙂

January 2, 2004
8:23 pm
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blondee
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Oh Zinnie I can tell that you are beautiful without ever having to see you. I'm sorry about your hair but it will grow back..spikey is cool 🙂 how bout if you wear a dew rag like the bikers do? Haha oh you were such a pretty girl...don't you hate that? It's like when i was really really thin and people would say oh you are so skinny. It was usually the heavy girls that said that and they made me want to say Oh you are so fat. It hurt me when they said that. I was trying to hide my weight.
I am working hard at the advice you give. I will keep you posted. I truly hope all is well with you.

Love,
Denise

January 2, 2004
10:04 pm
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gingerleigh
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Gosh Blondee, I was always so envious of the really skinny girls. I was always on the heavy side of average, always a tall big girl, and I would have given anything to be one of the underweight athletic girls... So funny how we're all striving towards some ideal... if we're skinny, we want to be rounder, if we're plump, we want to be more stick-like, if we have straight hair, we want it curly...

And by the way, it's OK if you accidentally use a real first name, some posters do it, some even have their real first name as their nicks, or a variation of it. So, no worries, K? I saw your "oops SC" message, just wanted to let you know it's no biggie.

January 2, 2004
11:26 pm
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blondee
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Ginger i wa so thin that when i use to get out of bed you couldn't even tell that anyone slept there. I use to have such a complex especially about my legs. My grandfather use to say i had pool table legs. I just always felt inferior as a woman. Not anymore..my legs are still a lillte too thin but now i say "look out world here i come!" My son always used to say "But mom your legs match the rest of your body" and my husband would say "they reach the floor don't think" haha so funny.You see when you are thin it's usually because you can't eat..the food won't go done or you are just not hungry. When you need to lose weight you can help yourself by a good diet and exercise. I use to lose weight just by walking up the steps...and a good wind would blow me away. My eating habits are lousy..i still don't eat much but i'm taking an antidepressant for 4 years now and that is what put the weight on. I told my doc that i will never go off it even if it doesn't help with the depression because i will lose the weight and my self esteem is important to me. I only take like 3.5mg a day and that's almost nothing but i don't have to eat and unfortunately i smoke so what more can i ask?
Thanks for telling me it was okay to slip up with the name

January 3, 2004
12:02 am
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blondee
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geeze,sorry i needed a spell checker on that previous post :p

January 3, 2004
1:03 pm
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Zinnie
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Try having a Mother and sister who literally have to eat to keep weight on! Both of them are over six foot tall, and if either weigh 130 lbs. I would be shocked. Me... if I look at a picture of cake, it goes to my booty!

But, yes, Ginger you are right about not being happy with what you have. My hair used to be curly, I wanted it straight. I had chemo, now it's poker straight. I wish it was curly!! My sister wishes she was heavier, I wish I was thinner. My best friend wants a bigger chest, I would love to lose about four cup sizes...

So here is to being happy with what we DO have.

Love,

Z.

January 4, 2004
7:14 pm
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blondee
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Hi Zinnie,

Just wanted to tell you how happy I am that Lisa seems to be getting stronger everyday. I especially liked the part about your husband doing a background check on the doc. I told my daughter after that stuff happened with the guy from the internet that any future b/f's will have to fill out an application and questioneer. The few boyfriends she has had since are deathly afraid of me. That's good.
I wanted to update you on my husband situation. We are getting better. We took the tree down today and cleaned the whole house together. We still have to get to the touchy stuff or the difficult things but at least we are talking. Maybe the grass isn't greener on the otherside. Say a little prayer for me in the morning. I have to face the other guy. I am doing really well with putting him out of my head and with letting him go but I haven't seen him in 2 weeks. The morning will tell all. I'll only see him a few minutes because he'll be coming in to work and i'll be leaving. Thanks for all your help. I feel bad asking for help when you have a few major problems of your own. If i was you i wouldn't be sane. I will keep you posted on my progress.

Love and ~hugs~
Blondee

January 5, 2004
1:08 am
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Zinnie
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Blondee,

It seems to me that your husband and you are really getting along, and talking! How does it feel? Who knows, you might even incite him to start doing things. Don't give up.

As far as the other character? Like I said, you see him at work. Keep it professional. If he says hello, say hello back and keep going. It will be hard at first, but eventually it will feel normal. Just don't get sucked back in. Remember DON'T send him any e-mails at work... would be really embarrassing for co-workers to find out about this.

Good luck and keep me posted.

Love,

Zinnie

January 5, 2004
7:53 am
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blondee
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Good Morning Zinnie,
How are you today? I worked all night and i'm off to bed now but I wanted to tell you that I ignored him when he came in. Turned my back and talked to someone else. I only felt a little twinge. It's finished..i don't need someone who wants me around for their own selfish reasons. If he has to eat cereal everyday I don't give a damn. He made his choices just like i did so let him deal with them. I've got my feelings under control 🙂 Thank you for your support. My husband and i are talking but we have a long way to go but i think we may be alright...I'll keep you posted.

~HUGS~
Blondee

January 5, 2004
5:47 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Blondee,

Of course you and your husband have a long way to go, you cannot fix years of problems and mis-communication with only a week! But, I'm so proud of you for trying. It really sounds like both of you are working at this. Like I said, even if at the end of it all, you finally say "this just won't work" (you might want to read the "why do they always win thread - I talked about my first husband and his wife, and they really did try) - but you know what, at least you will know that you really did try. Like I said, he may be willing to start doing some things too!

As far as your other character, you did well. I would not make a production of ignorning him, but I would not go out of my way to say "hello" either. Just keep it professional.

I hope you are well! Keep it up, you are doing great.

Love,

Zinnie

January 5, 2004
6:46 pm
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blondee
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Hi Zinnie,
I know my husband and I have a lot of work to do. When we get down to talking about our needs and wants that is going to be the hard part. I don't know if i can get back the feelings i once had. I am going to give it my best shot and if we part at least maybe we can do so on friendly terms.
I really didn't plan on ignoring "the other character" it just so happened that when he came in i had my back turned and was talking to someone else. Eventually i will have to see him eye to eye but i think i can handle it now. We'll see as the days go on. My best friend, who works with me, said she was so proud of me this morning. She thought i would fall apart. You know the saying...absense makes the heart grow fonder..well that didn't fit this morning. It was more like out of sight out of mind. I think he was mostly a sexual attraction anyway..you know big muscles tough ass kind of guy. I am wising up fast. If it wasn't for you and the other sweet people on this site i would have been analyzing his every word from his last email up to his appearance this morning. By the way, we only emailed on our personal pc's not at work. I will not email him again no matter if he emails me or not i decided not to respond. He's not good for me.

hope all is well with you and your family

~HUGS~
Blondee

January 7, 2004
10:59 pm
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tooscared
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I didn't see you on the boards today Zinnie and I hope you are feeling ok. I know these treatments are really draining for you and make you feel really bad. Just know you were missed and that I hope you are getting some rest. Love, TS

January 8, 2004
3:14 pm
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Zinnie
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Thank you TS, means alot when someone see's I'm MIA!

Blondee - how are things going?

Z.

January 8, 2004
7:49 pm
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blondee
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Hi Zinnie!!!! How are you feeling? You are definetly missed when you don't post on here. I looked thru the threads to see if you posted. You are like the mother on here with all her little children. You are sooo wise.
I'm still working on things with my husband and this weekend i am going to try to tackle the really emotional stuff...scary.
I am doing very well with the "other guy" he's a loser anyway. He made me feel good about myself and that's the reason I went there. I don't need him for that anymore. I thought i needed him but i didn't. I wanted him but didn't need him. Funny how we can be so dumb at times. I needed the little bit of excitement in an otherwise boring life. Do you understand that? I had a therapist appt today but i cancelled it. I just wasn't in the mood to come home from working third shift and having to stay up 3 hours and then drive for an hour, spill my guts for another hour and then drive home...not today. How is Lisa? I think about her everyday.

~HUGS~
Blonde

January 8, 2004
9:35 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Blondee,

Thanks for your thoughts, they are all helping I know it.

Lisa is fine, she is working with the kids getting ready for the big puppet production the kids in rehab are doing for everyone at the hospital, and for their parents. She seems to be in good spirits.

I'm glad things are going better for you. Like I told you... at the final outcome, you may still find that you cannot salvage your marriage, but you will be at peace knowing that you tried.

As far as the other guy! BRAVO to you. You see, when you take care of yourself, I mean really look inward and take care of what you need, often you find that they other folks who are in fact toxic to us are exactly that. Toxic.

Love,

Zinnie

January 9, 2004
4:32 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Blondee,

Just wondering how you are.

Hoping all is well.

Love,

Zinnie

January 9, 2004
5:16 pm
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I haven't been on much either, Zinnie, but been thinking of you. Just knowing that you're feeling poopy. Seeing that with my other friend that's still doing chemo herself. She's here right now. She's sick and tired of being sick. They are actually trying out something new here, so will let you know how it goes.

The both of you though - are such perky, spirited people and powerhouses that just amaze me. She is sooo spunky. Gives her doctor all kind of grief when she goes in there. He tells her one thing and she tells him - exactly what's on her mind.

She's beat the odds all to hell so far, that's for sure. Part of it is she's pissy as hell!! LOL! But just wanted to let you know - we may be quiet but sometimes we're just being quiet "with you". Love ya!

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