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Zinnie from Nan
May 19, 2004
2:03 pm
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nancee
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Zinnie,

Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to let me know you haven't forgotten about me. I will patiently wait until you have more time. Hope you aren't working too hard.

Today would have been my brother's 35th birthday. He died in a car accident when he was 19. I know that is part of the reason my mom has been so irritable lately---May is a hard month for her with Mother's day, Lance's birthday and Memorial day. I kind of bear the brunt of all her hurt at this time of year. Guess that's my job as her only remaining child but I sure wish there was someone to help me handle her. I know like all the other times, this will pass and things will get back to some level of normal.

I haven't heard from Oompa since Monday. I am more settled now that he is treating me like a human being. Don't feel so desperate any more.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Love,

Nan

May 20, 2004
12:29 am
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Zinnie
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Hi Nancee,

I think just dealing with the creeping crud has me down, I passed out on the couch earlier again.

Oompa? Hum... honestly, I don't know what to think because there are so many things that can be going on - and don't take this the wrong way - but bottom line, do you really feel that you can honestly trust a man that had an extra-maritial affair and lied to his wife for six years?

For some reason, this is just niggling at me. I mean you finally get all of this stuff off your chest, he "accepts" it and you seem to both want and agree to move on. Then, he shows up with his belated birthday card and his is "really trying" and here you are again, left wondering? I know he has not been physically abusive (or you have not said he has, and I don't think you would tolerate that), but it almost sounds like he is in what is referred to as the "Honeymoon Phase" in some relationships that are fraught with abuse.

What the abuser realizes that they might really lose their partner, they wine, dine, woo, romance, cry, beg and suddenly are willing to change, go to counseling and do whatever is possible to keep their partner. Then, just when you are lulled back into thinking that things will FINALLY be O.K., you will be treated with the respect and love you want - they turn right around and beat you down again.

Well, the same thing can happen the person is emotionally and mentally abusive; and honestly, people who play games like this are in face emotionally and mentall abusive.

Perhaps something to ponder. Also, you have said that your friends say when this guy is in the picture, you are zapped. Why in the world would you want to be with someone that does that to you as a person? When you are in love with someone, you are happy, life is better, food is tastier, fruit is sweeter and you glow with the happiness radiating within your soul from being in love... you don't feel drained.

Sorry to hear about your tiff with your Mom. I will never understand mine, that much I can tell you. But, you are probably correct in saying this is a hard time for her, being your brothers birthday and him being gone. Just know that this too shall pass. That is what I have finally had to to with the relationship with my Mother.

I hope this helped... even a little. Please let me know how you are.

Love,

Zinnie

May 20, 2004
10:02 am
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nancee
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Zinnie,

Please know that I always take your advice to heart. You always seem to add a new dimension or way of looking at whatever the situation is.

I can't decide if I'm being weak or strong here. I felt really strong and empowered when I started telling Oompa what my limits were and what I would no longer tolerate. I still felt strong when he started to respond to me and treat me more as an equal and a friend, more like we were before any of this started.

You are right that he has never been physically abusive and I feel certain he never would be. And if he ever was, that would be it for me, I would not tolerate that. Although I sometimes feel like he has been emotionally abusive, I don't think he means to be. I hope I don't sound like other abused women who make excuses. I just think he is scared to death of intimacy and of really letting someone in and of getting hurt. When he talked to me the other night about his loneliness and fears, I was truly touched, mostly because he hadn't talked to me like that in 6 years.

He still hasn't said that he wants to be with me and I have told him I still don't know if we are right for each other. We agreed that we both need to be happy on our own before we would be able to have a healthy relationship.

Then there is the part of me that wanted to rip his heart out for feeling sorry for himself. I have several dear girlfriends who are single...some by choice, others not. We all at one time or another go through hard times but we ask for help when we need it and help each other deal with it. There was a moment when I wanted to tell him to suck it up and act like a man. He isn't the first person to go through this, not the first person who has to get used to being on his own again. We all go through crap like this and we do what we have to do to get through it, whether it's seeking counseling, trying medication, or just blowing off steam to our friends to help deal with the stress.

So I'm not as smitten with him as it may sound. I still have my doubts. In my heart, I want to believe that he is opening up to me and that our relationship will grow from there. On the other hand I wonder if he is turning on the tears trying to make me feel sorry for him so I won't abandon him in his time of need. I am confused about the situation but still feel like I have a fairly good grasp on reality and am not letting him pull the wool over my eyes. I am standing my ground.

So don't worry about me losing myself in him again. I don't think that is going to happen. If he is playing me, he is a much better actor than I give him credit for. Let me know if you think I'm nuts for not being sure if I'm being used or not. Because I'm really not sure and don't know how to find out for sure. I know there is always the option of walking away but what if he is for real? Then of course we always have the question of trust. I don't know if I could ever trust him.

I appreciate that you treat my problems seriously even though you are dealing with much bigger issues. How are you feeling? Have you decided about the surgery yet? I think about you and send positive thoughts your way every day.

Love,

Nan

May 20, 2004
3:35 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Nan,

Well, here is a thought... continue as you are now, being friends but with NO sex involved. Literally, take it out of the mix and the picture and take the time to really get to know him again, and he you. But, this time set up your boundaries as they come along. If he makes you feel bad, tell him. If he is disrespectful, again, spit it out.

Treat him like a friend, and see if he is a person that you really want to be friends with FIRST. At the same time, keep your other options of dating open. If someone nice that you are interested in asks you out, or you want to ask them out - go for it. Have you been reading the "taking it slowly" thread? Read through that, and see what you think.

But, bottom line, perhaps work on being REAL friends and knowing the inner workings of his heart and mind. Then, perhaps you will make a better decision, then letting your emotions and hormones control your life.

What do you think?

Z.

May 21, 2004
2:55 pm
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nancee
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Zinnie,

I think that is a wonderful suggestion, I just have to work on putting it into action. I think it just might work. He and I have already discussed that out physical attraction clouds our reality sometimes. He has his son this weekend so I won't be seeing him until next week, if then. I'm going to think about this over the weekend.

My mom and I talked today and I'm more upset than before. She is having problems with my grandma being difficult. (yes it is true what they say, shit does roll down hill) I guess I need to hurry and have a daughter so I will have someone to lash out at when Mom hurts me. Only kidding, but it is an interesting dynamic with the women in my family. When my great grandmother was alive, it was the same way. My grandma complained about the way Granny treated her and now she is treating my mother the same way. I guess a preview of what I have to look forward to.

What it all boils down to is my mother feels like nobody takes her seriously, her advice, her suggestions, anything. I see where she is coming from where my grandma is concerned....but with me it's different. I tried to tell her that I appreciate her advice and that I know she loves me and doesn't want to see me get hurt. She seems to want me with that Paul guy so badly because he is a gentleman and would treat me good. I tried to tell her that so far I don't think of him that way but that I am trying to be open minded. She is a control freak, plain and simple. How to deal with that without hurting her feelings is beyond me.

It just eats me up inside when she is like this. I would rather be hurting myself than to see her hurt, even when she is being unreasonable. (0k, I don't always feel that way when she is being unreasonable.) I know in my heart that no decision I make will truly satisfy her. I know that she loves me more than anything but this is the way she is and I can't change her. So, how to deal with her? I'm working on that.

My biggest mistake was ever telling her about Oompa. Now she just sees me repeating mistakes she made as if she were living my life for me. It is my life and they are my mistakes to make. By the way, I did read the taking things slowly thread and it was helpful.

Hope you are feeling better.

Love,
Nan

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