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Zinnie from Nan
April 30, 2004
1:34 pm
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nancee
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Zinnie, I saw Oompa and finally got to tell him how I feel. I think it's finally over. It's on the ropes end thread if you have time to read and let me know what you think. Your opinion is important to me. I think I handled it well but you may be able to offer more insight. Hope you're feeling okay today. I'm still getting ready for our birthday party!

Love, Nan

April 30, 2004
1:45 pm
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Feeling blechy, having to work, my boss called me in at 7:00 a.m.

I'll go read the thread, I had started following it, and gave up - sorry - didn't really pertain to me, and I don't have the energy for much right now. But, I will go read your post.

Hoping to start feeling better soon...

Z.

April 30, 2004
1:59 pm
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That poor child! He is going to be the only confidant his Father ever has... and he will end up a mess.

You did well, and I'm sure it helped to get that off of your chest.

Don't take this the wrong way - but you know it did NOT sink in... because as you said "it's all about him." I should know, that is my Dad. Everything is about him, all the time!

Just be happy you had the chance to tell him, and let it go. Now you are honestly free to move on and go about the business of living.

Z.

April 30, 2004
2:05 pm
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I know it didn't sink in...he still has no idea what he has done to me, just how it feels to have his shortcomings brought to the surface. Because, yes, it is now and has always been all about him. I just feel so much better that I got that off my chest and don't have to carry it around with me anymore.

I see now that he is not capable of having a healthy relationship with anyone. One of my friends at work told me yesterday that when I am around him my self esteem goes out the window and I just lose my spark. I see that now and am glad things have more of an ending than they did before. I know that may be a little immature that I wanted to have a little control and be the one to tell him it wouldn't work but it sure felt good, even though I cried afterward. I feel like I got a lot of my anger out.

Thanks for listening. I hope you're feeling better for our birthday party. Are you still supposed to go down to MD Anderson? I haven't heard you mention that lately. As always, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks for your input.

Love,
Nan

April 30, 2004
9:38 pm
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Hi Nancee,

I will be going down to MD Anderson on Thursday. My last big push day at work is Tuesday, then my trip down to Houston for the consultation with the Dr.'s down there.

Then... my big 4-0! Our anniversary... then OUR party at Eskimo Joe's! Have you been saving?

Another friend of mine's birthday is the 9th... perhaps she will tag along.

Anyway... i know you will now begin grieving to a certain degree again, but I have a feeling this time, it will be different. You finally got to say what you really wanted to say off of your chest, whether he really listened or not and I'm sure that has to feel not only good, but damn good.

Yikes! I need to get off, we are getting hit with an electrical storm.

Talk to you later.

Love,

Zinnie

May 2, 2004
12:28 pm
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Zinnie,

Thanks for the encouragement. Someone else said they didn't think I sounded like I really think it's over but I think it is this time. I think what I needed was a chance to say those things to him...that I don't like the person he is now, that I deserve better. Whether it sunk in with him or not is irrelevant at this point...I got to get all those things out of my system. And saying them to his face made it mean even more to me. I also realized in talking to him the other night that he is way more messed up than I even would have guessed.

I haven't cried since that night. I've actually felt like a weight is off me and I can start to move on now. I know I will probably have some bad days coming up, but I feel like there has been a proper ending to that relationship and that is what I needed.

I'm anxious to hear what you find out after your visit to MD Anderson. Maybe they will have some alternatives for you. I just hope for you to get something done that will help alleviate the pain you are in.

I am saving up for our birthday....can't wait to party at Eskimo Joe's. I'm thinking of inviting some celebrities...what do you think? Any suggestions?

I'm off now to visit my parents for the day. Take care of yourself.

Love, Nan

May 3, 2004
2:51 am
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If you are feeling that a weight has been lifted off... then you have absolutely done the right thing for you!

You deserve a man who loves you for you, and who will listen to you deepest thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams and encourage them.

I think that some time women have been so programmed to "take care of our men" that we just accept what comes our way. At least in my life that is what would have happened, had I not gotten out of where I grew up. There is another thread here about that... where I talked about moving away and how much my life changed.

Nancee, if I had just accepted what came my way and married my former "Mr. Wonderful" - if I was still alive I would have more broken bones than Evel Knievel, or I would be dead - or possibly in jail for eventually fighting back and killing the SOB.

I know when I first broke off with him, I cried so much, and it hurt so bad. I thought I was going to die. I was so lucky a friend of mine, her Mother had been in a bad marriage and she was so open with her time and advice - something I could not go to my own Mom with. Then, the strangest thing happened, all of the sudden it did not hurt anymore, but it felt like this huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.

And - I never looked back...

Z.

May 4, 2004
11:43 am
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Zinnie, I need a pep talk. I know I did the right thing and feel relieved but am really emotional today. I'm not even sure it has anything to do with Oompa. I just feel like a whole part of my life has ended and I have to start over and it scares me.

May 4, 2004
11:03 pm
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Hi Nancee,

Sorry I did not get back to you earlier. I had treatment today, then came home took a nap, THEN had to go into work to type up a report about an employee problem that I had earlier last week.

I'm sure you did the right thing, like I said if you are feeling that relieved, it is almost a guarantee that you did. But, you ARE ending a phase of your life, and beginning a new one - which is always scary.

No matter if you KNOW for a fact this is the right thing to do, or if it is something that you have planned on doing for a long time (i.e.: job change, move, etc.), change is hard and can be stressful. It is so easy to almost look back and think "did I do the right thing?"

If it makes you feel better, I know right after I relocated to Texas from Montreal, I thought "what am I doing?" I left my the children behind. But, the reality of it was, by my staying in Montreal and not working I was living with a ghost. Moving down here and getting a job helped to get me out of my funk. But, it was still very scary.

I'm hoping you are feeling better - and I apologize for not getting back to you earlier.

Let me know how you are.

Love,

Zin

May 5, 2004
10:15 pm
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Hi Nancee,

It looks like you have not been on today - so I was just wondering if you are O.K.?

What's going on?

Z.

May 6, 2004
10:06 am
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Zinnie,

I woke up yesterday with a black cloud over my head so I called in sick. I can't keep doing this. I just feel empty inside. I didn't even have the energy to get on the computer yesterday. I am at work today but feel like I just don't want anyone to look at me or talk to me. I know this is just temporary and I will start to feel better again. I think the finality of everything is just hitting me, I had been in denial for so long and now I know it's over. I know it's for the best but it's going to be an adjustment. Thanks for being concerned.

So today is your visit to MD Anderson. I hope they have something good to tell you. Let me know what happens. I'll be praying for you.

Love,

Nan

May 7, 2004
12:57 am
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HI Zinnie...hope you got some good news today. Let me know...

Nan

May 7, 2004
1:09 am
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Hi Nancee,

Long day, and I'm exhausted! Trying to catch up on some correspondence too.

Guess what? I got to meet some of my "pen-pals" today at MD Anderson! It was so awesome... I write to the kids down there who are there for cancer treatment. They love to get mail, so I volunteer to do that.

Anyway...

Well, the consenus down at MD Anderson was the same as the Dr.'s here gave me, the tumors have to come out. Now, here is the dilema.

Take them out by full frontal entrance surgery - which involves cutting into the abdomen and removing them, and clearing up any adhesions there OR removing them (tumors only) through a laproscope, which is an instrument that goes through the belly button.

They would rather do the laprotomy on one hand as it is less invasive, but there is a chance that it would get everything. Or they could do the full surgery, which is more invasive, will take longer to recover from, and will require quite the surgical team. I have a feeling that one Dr. will say do the laprotomy, but I bet my family Dr. will say do the full surgery to take care of the entire problem at once. But, my biggest concern is once they go in and do this, how often will they have to do this? As I suffer from adhesions and scar tissue. So, is this something that I will have to have done every three years?

Which still leaves me with tons of decisions to make.

I will write more tomorrow... and just remember, in 9 days... Eskimo Joe's! I can't wait for that chicken sandwich...

Hoping you are O.K., and I will chat with you tomorrow. But, please, please, please, keep your chin up.

Hugs to you...

Zin

May 10, 2004
9:47 am
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Zinnie, I am so glad to hear about your wonderful Mother's Day. There is nothing to lift your spirits like a sweet baby to hold and you have double the pleasure!

I called in sick again Friday and hibernated all day. I just haven't felt like seeing or talking to anyone. I did get out for lunch with friends on Saturday and that perked me up. I went and bought tons of flowers for my patio and porch. I love having my flowers around in the spring and summer.

Had a good Mother's Day/Birthday celebration yesterday. My family is so great and I am so lucky. Got home late last night to see on my caller ID that Oompa had called me only minutes after I had walked out the door to go to mom's. Is that the work of a higher power or what? I just missed the call by seconds. He didn't leave a message. I suspect he was alone since it was Mother's Day and he thought he would come over and get some action. Whatever, I'm glad I wasn't there. He hasn't called or emailed me today to tell me Happy Birthday. It would be best for me if he didn't.

I'm at work today, just trying to enjoy the day and get some work done to make up for being gone last week. On our birthdays here we get our choice of cake or whatever and I am having strawberry shortcake at 2:00 for my birthday party. After today, the diet is on. I'm ready to start feeling better.

Hope your day is fantastic. I do want to talk to you more about your surgery and treatment later.

Love,

Nan

May 10, 2004
3:37 pm
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Hi Zin,

I got your message on the other thread. I'm more mad now than feeling hurt. I'm sick of being treated this way. My birthday should mean more than just a chance for him to 'do' me. Those weren't his exact words but you get the picture. Actually all that meant was that since I last saw him, he hadn't had any contact with me, but jumped on the birthday bandwagon today because he though he might get lucky. I flat out told him that is not good enough anymore. I need more than what he is offering. I guess he got the message because he hasn't responded to me and I am feeling better. I'm sick of him thinking his way is always the right way. My feelings have to count at some point and apparently I'm the only one who can make that happen.

How is your day going? Are the twins still visiting?

May 10, 2004
7:25 pm
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Hi Nancee,

The twins are still visiting, they will be here through tomorrow afternoon. Right now, my son, daughter-in-law and the babies along with the dogs are taking a walk through the neighborhood.

The babies are so good, so sweet and quiet, just perfect little angels.

You want my honest opinion? I would block his phone number from your home and cell phone, and block his e-mail address. You are right, you deserve much more than what he is able to give you.

The fact that he felt like since it was your bithday, he would "get lucky" shows how disrespectful he is. I'm sorry you reconnected after all this time, I think it's making you feel worse in a way. But, on the other hand - I think it was good to finally get some of that stuff off of your chest.

But seriously, think of blocking all contact with him, and begin to really move on.

Z.

May 11, 2004
9:08 am
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Happy birthday to you,

Happy birthday to you,

Happy birthday dear Zinnie,

Happy birthday to you.....and many more!!!!!

Happy Birthday today and Happy Anniversary!!!!

I am doing much better today. Relieved that for once I did the right thing. Hope you have a wonderful day!

Love,

Nan

May 11, 2004
11:53 am
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Why... my deepest thanks for the birthday and anniversary wishes!

My babies are leaving today 🙁 - but, it was so good to see them and hold them... so little and sweet they are!

Thanks for the well wishes!

Love,

Z.

May 12, 2004
1:31 pm
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Hey Z, Happy anniversary! I hope you're feeling better, was sorry to hear you were having a bad night. I too hope the surgery will help ease some of the pain you've been experiencing.

I have my own mother issues today. I made the mistake of telling her about Oompa several months ago when I thought he and I were going to be together. I didn't mean to tell her but I blurted it out when we were in the middle of a family crisis with my uncle who is disabled and we were both upset and crying. So anyway, there is a guy who works with and is a good friend of my step dad who is getting divorced. He is really getting the shaft from his wife and I feel sorry for what he is going through. I have really only been around him a couple of times and both times we got along and seemed to have the same sense of humor. So I told mom and dad to tell him to call me if he needs someone to talk to. Long story short, he called me alllllll weeeekkkkkkeeeennnndddd looonnnngggg!!!! I wasn't home Saturday and he called repeatedly. That is so unattractive to me. I finally talked to him Sunday night and he asked if I'd like to get together to eat sometime and 'visit'. Does this sound like a date to you? Didn't seem like that to me. I guess he called my dad immediately and told him we were going out. When I expressed doubt about going out with him and stated that I feel he is needy, my mother told me I better not do anything to hurt him. She is MY mother, not his. Then she further went on to tell me that sometimes she thinks the reason I'm still single is because I'm too particular and that when a nice guy shows any iterest in me I don't want to have anything to do with him.

Reality check here, isn't it the whole idea that you should be particular about who you date, and more importantly, marry? I now see that I could never have a relationship with this guy if I wanted to because any problems we might have would be seen as my fault by my mother....who, by the way, has no business giving relationship advice. She knows I've been recently hurt and I would think she would know, as I do, that it would not be the wisest thing for me to get involved with someone right now anyway. Beside the fact that he is still technically married! I cannot win where that woman is concerned.

Sorry to rant like that but I am obviously fuming that she would say that to me. She who waltzed the same step father in and out of our lives for 15 years. I think that is one reason I never had a problem being with Oompa is because I was never used to having a man/dad in my life for any length of time the whole time I was growing up. I never had a man around who showed any degree of commitment whatsoever. Where was I supposed to learn about healthy relationships?

But the part that really irritates me is that she is partly right....I have realized through the last few months that I do indeed have intimacy issues of my own. I do panic when things get too close. I'm such a wreck. Oompa is the least of my problems right now.

Thanks in advance for listening....

Love,

Nan

May 12, 2004
1:59 pm
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Sorry, I just read that and it was indeed a rant. Just wanted to add that she has never said anything judgmental to me about my relationship with Oompa....how could she after some of the things she's done.....but she also doesn't acknowledge my hurt. That really bothers me.

May 13, 2004
6:50 am
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Ahhhh! Mothers, just gotta love them. Did you read the latest on my Mom and the "Dutiful Daughter" thread?

I keep reminding myself that she loves me in her own odd way. But, it is an odd way at that! She blames my Dad for everything, yet if you want the honest truth, my Father is the more emotionally stable one, and supportive. He is on vacation right now, and still managed to call me for my birthday as well as send a card out before he left. His only issue? He LOVES women! He is on marriage number five.

So, trust me, I don't take marriage advice from either of my parents. Fortunately, my Dad thinks my husband is the best thing to come along since sliced bread.

Now about this other guy? Good call, he is already sounding too needy, and hey, you need someone to care for you for a change!

Z.

May 18, 2004
9:57 am
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Zinnie,

How are you? Any word on when your surgery will be? I've been thinking about you. I completely missed our Eskimo Joe's party. Maybe we can reschedule?

I haven't been around much lately. Had some sort of falling out with my mom Saturday morning and I'm still not sure why she is mad at me. She wanted me to go somewhere with her Saturday and I already had plans. She who always complains that I never get out and do anything....until she wants me to do something with her and then she expects me to be available. She asked again if Paul has called me and when I said no, she told me I must have done something to make him not want to talk to me. I told her I'd only talked to him that one night and he said he would keep in touch. I can never please her. She is either mad that I had plans or that I am not at all interested in Paul. She didn't answer the phone all the rest of the weekend when I tried to call her. Mother/daughter relationships seem to almost always be difficult ones.

Oompa update----against what I'm sure you would wish for me, I have been talking to him. He brought me a belated birthday card last night and we talked for hours about what he is going through. He talked to me about what he is feeling and what I am feeling and that neither of us really knows what we are doing right now. We both agreed that we need to learn to be happier on our own before we would be any good in a serious relationship. It kind of hurts me that he still can't say that he wants to be with me but I also know in my heart that this isn't the time for that. He told me that he has always known he could talk to me and that he is making an effort to share more of his feelings.

There is a big part of me that knows he doesn't want to lose me but I don't know how long I can wait around for him to get his life together. It's almost like I'm getting to know a different person and I like this new person more than I did before. He has feelings and fears and shared them with me. I know that I am no more prepared for something serious with him than he is. Maybe by being friends and talking like this, we will find something bigger and deeper than what we ever had before?

I do love him but I know that isn't enough and that I have to learn to love myself before I will be any good in any relationship. I just feel like something new has just started to bloom with him. I've said things to him in the past week I never would have said before because I felt like I had nothing to lose....and instead of turning his back on me, he has responded to what I've been saying and agreed with me. Not only that, he has backed it up with actions. I think I may actually mean something to him.

I can always count on you to be honest. I'm not putting all my hope in him, I'm still open to the idea that there may be someone out there who is better suited for me, but the guy is making an effort. Is it possible that now that I've started to stand up for myself he is starting to see what he would be giving up? Or am I just crazy as ever?

May 18, 2004
12:51 pm
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Just keeping this close to the top so my 'Zin' guide will find it. Zinnie, I hope you are not getting frustrated with me and the way I keep going back for more. Talking about it helps it make more sense to me. I do value your opinion though. You are wise beyond your years. Life will do that to ya, won't it?

May 19, 2004
12:48 am
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Hey Z

Just sending thoughts of happiness your way.

free

May 19, 2004
2:46 am
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Hey Ladies,

Stressful day, and getting the "creeping crud" responded to a few threads earlier that have me "pulled" - thanks for the hugs Free by the way!

Nancee - I will have to reply to you in the evening (Wednesday) when I get home. Fell asleep here in my hidey hole office/den - and it's 1:45, and I'm now working 8-5! Woo hoo! But, no Internet again at work.

So... until then, know you are in my thoughts... stay strong and TRUE to yourself!

Love,

Zinnie

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