Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Zinnie: Anger and Sadness
October 13, 2004
12:16 pm
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oh Zinnie, that is so sad.

For me, knowledge of my child's suffering is the most painful, soul-breaking thing I have ever known. The combination of helplessness, guilt and anger is very hard to deal with.

Look, I don't even know the bastard and I wish he was dead. Or on fire. Or both. If the Catholics are correct then that will end up coming true.

Love and hugs to you dear woman.

W

October 13, 2004
1:22 pm
Avatar
sixfootblonde
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks, twinks.

October 13, 2004
1:41 pm
Avatar
Zinnie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Twinks,

He is moving out... good for you - I wish you the best for your new life.

SFB - thank you for the poem, hope is indeed the thing with feathers; and I'm hoping it will soon help my sagging soul.

Crying for so many reasons, too many to really even think about clearly, especially when typing.

WORRIED DAD! Thank you for your love... ((((WD))))

I just talked to Lisa and said I'm sorry this is happening, I don't know how you can handle the 75%. She said "but, I still have the 25%, why aren't you thinking about that?"

From the mouth of the babe?

October 13, 2004
11:32 pm
Avatar
lam
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Zinnie,

hmm I certainly hope crying a bit will release some of the anger and hurt and pain that's wrapped itself so tightly around your heart.

Wow you said "There is always the hope that she will be up and walking around at some point. Medicine is an ever changing science, and great strides are being made all the time." There's the hope I was keeping in my heart for you! I was happy to hear you at least being able to reach those thoughts and feelings again, whether or not they come and go for a little bit right now as you digest the latest.

Zinnie your daughter is just simply amazing! Her outlook is astonishing and I'm sure it's part of what helps her continue on in her life as she has. God Bless her. btw...my name is Lisa too, and, boy oh boy, am I ever in great company having that name...

Much love and prayers to you Zinnie and for Lisa and your family...

Hugs,

lam

October 13, 2004
11:55 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Wishing you the best Z...
Take Care

October 14, 2004
12:25 am
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Zinnie,

I am so sorry for the anger and hurt you are feeling. May I please give you a perspective from another view?

I'm not gonna say I know how you feel. I am so very sorry for your pain. But I would like to speak maybe on Lisa's behalf. Maybe she feels this way, maybe she doesn't.

I have a stress related illness that came due to post traumatic stress. It is called fibromyalgia. I had it for years in my hands mostly, but it kept me from working or doing much. Two years ago I got the shingles, pneumonia, asthma, and all of a sudden the illness is progressing quite quickly. I have severe sleep apnea, have to sleep w/ a machine on my face. I have edema, carpal and cubital tunnel, arthritis and tortecollis of the neck, can't hold my head up by myself. etc. etc. Lots more but don't want to keep whining.

My point is: I have had to accept my condition. I can never drive again. I can't do much of anything. I hurt all the time. BUT, there comes a point where I have accepted that this is how it is and there is nothing that can be done except deal w/ what comes next. Looks like that will be rods in my neck.

My husband does not accept this is what is wrong w/ me. He does not accept my limitations. He is angry coz the docs can't fix me and thinks they are all quacks, even tho I have some of the best docs in the area. He gets mad, cusses, yells about the docs, etc. He has learned not to go off in front of me for the most part.
My dad ignores everything. Guess that's his way of dealing w/ it. My kids are afraid they will get this when they are older.

I'm not saying you act like this in front of Lisa. I'm sure you don't by the things you say. It sounds like you are the most loving supportive mom there could be. She is lucky to have you. BUT, please grieve and put the anger away. Even if you don't show it in front of her, she can sense it. I can sense when people pity me, or are angry. I know it's coz you don't know what to do and God knows it's just not fair. I think what I have is not fair either, but it's my illness to deal with. Lisa has her handicap to deal with. And as well as she accepts it, I'm sure she's like the rest of us with circumstances we are given and can't do anything about, and in the alone time we have to look at it and deal with it and put ourselves together to look strong for everyone else.

Don't know if I am making much sense. I'm not fussing at you. I just want to maybe show you another side you haven't seen. A side that down deep knows your pain and has to be strong so they don't lose it in front of those they love the most. Thank God she has a wonderful fiance that supports her. What an absolute blessing. Thank God she has a wonderful mom who loves her so very much. Thank God Lisa is here with you.

I hope I have not hurt your feelings, that is not my intention. I would like to see you get past this so you can fully enjoy your time with Lisa. Life is to short to be angry.

God bless you and Lisa both.

October 14, 2004
10:52 am
Avatar
Zinnie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I think, as I have said before there are some other things going on as well and that is effecting some of the grief I'm feeling with this latest.

She has already amazed so many of her Dr.'s, nurses and therapists in the past; and she is stubborn and not afraid to do the hard work necessary for her recovery.

Mama - I understand what you are saying, I really do. Even with my own illness I go through times of feeling "does this Dr. not understand the pain I'm feeling? Or the fact, that I have been feeling this way for six, close to seven years now?" I'm blessed with a husband who is supportive and for that I'm eternally grateful. BUT...

What makes this so maddening is the fact that this was done to Lisa. It is not like she was born with this, or developed a disease. This happened at the hands of a sick demented cruel person; who happened to have two sick demented cruel friends. This did NOT have to happen, it should not have happened.

My part in all of this, and THIS is why I cannot forgive myself is - had I been paying attention to what MY child was going through instead of being manipulated by my cousin in prison, maybe we could have kept her out of harms way.

Z.

October 14, 2004
10:40 pm
Avatar
tmv1109
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I love you Zin! You are such an inspiration. With everything you and your family have been through, I'm speechless. You, are a role model to so many women out there. You have every right to be angry, for as long as it takes, even if it is for a lifetime. However, you are probably like me, being angry is usually to hard, and when you stay angry, it's somewhat scarry to you. That's what I am going through. I do my best to destract myself from thinking about what has happened in recent months, but when it manages to get through, I am numb and anger overcomes my heart and mind. It is, to me, scarry. Your daughter is still beautiful, and vibrant and blessed to have you. We all love you Zin.

tmv1109

October 14, 2004
10:52 pm
Avatar
workinonit
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Zinnie,

I have not had the opportunity to respond to you but I have read much of your story.

You just said, "My part in all of this, and THIS is why I cannot forgive myself is - had I been paying attention to what MY child was going through instead of being manipulated by my cousin in prison, maybe we could have kept her out of harms way." This DOES NOT belong to you. Guilt is a severe waste of your time. Grieving is good, it reminds us. But guilt, dear lady is counterproductive to living.

What is your daughter like? Is she a happy person? Is she bitter? Does she keep plugging away? It sure sounds like it and for this I can see you are grateful.

I saw you said how long will this anger hang on? Probably until you come to forgiveness. But, there isn't a soul alive who would expect that of you. I could not say what my real feelings would be because I have never been in your shoes.

You offer good, sound words to other troubled people on this board. Thanks for doing this in the face of all that is in your path but remember, only the strong ones get this stuff. You must be a very special person.

October 14, 2004
11:04 pm
Avatar
FoolMeThrice
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I read your posts and I am angry too!

Try to think about all the things she does have. Things that make her more fortunate than so many others.

She has a loving and supportive family. She has a wonderful partner who loves and accepts her just the way she is. She still has her kindness and empathy even after all she has been through (thinking about the time she spent with the kids when she was in the hospital).

And this that you said:

I talked to her earlier today, and she seems as she always does. Relaxed, happy, looking forward to her new life.

That is remarkable! It shows what a strong and wonderful woman she is. How many of us would like to be relaxed, happy looking forward to life?

Not to dismiss your anger. You have every right to it. We all feel it for you, in our own way. But, she still has so much in her life and so much to look forward to.

October 14, 2004
11:12 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ditto...
And how many of us would love to have a Mom named Zinnie? I raise my hand real high!!!

Hugs Z and family,

Sunny

October 14, 2004
11:18 pm
Avatar
Zinnie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

The anger comes and goes. I'm through, or should I say I thought I was through most of it. When something else comes up, I get angry all over again, and the rage is new.

But - I am finding that with each new incident, the amount of time the rage lasts is shorter.

What is my daughter like? She is happy, always was a happy child, was always a child that would share and made friends easily. Her take on all of this? "I finally got the nose job I always wanted."

She plugs away, each and every day. She has had her cranky days, but they have in all honesty been very few and far between. She has had some really hard times, but, she seems to over-come them just fine. When this cretin, his Mommy and his new wife (yes, ladies and gentlemen I said wife - he managed to marry while in prison) wrote to her pleading with her to sign off on some papers to help reduce his sentence it was a terrible set back for her mentally. But, as she has continued to do, she bounces back.

This rage will pass, it just takes time. It helps to vent it here. There are times when I feel like we (my husband and I) need to take a break from talking about it. We have let this dominate our lives for two years. Worrying about some things that we really just have no control over.

Thanks for listening.

October 14, 2004
11:22 pm
Avatar
lam
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

wow, sorry Sunny but I'd have to elbow past you to be first in line to have a mom named Zinnie. 🙂 If only there were more moms like you...

Just wanted to stop by and say you're in my thoughts, about to go to bed and say my prayers, you and your family continue to be in them.

Good night Zinnie,

(((HUGS)))

lam

October 15, 2004
1:53 am
Avatar
Zinnie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hum,

More children? Well, everyone seems to think I'm their Mother why not? I have former employee's that actually call me "Mom" - complete with Mother's Day cards.

Not a bad thing for a woman who can not have natural children of her own.

The MOST beautiful, wonderful thing about my daughter? The gorgeous scan of a bridal portrait she sent me tonight via e-mail.

I wish I could share it here just so everyone could see the face of this beautiful survivor. She is so radiant in this picture. She is literally glowing.

Z.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
27
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110964
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38560
Posts: 714253
Newest Members:
samzy12, mycvdesigner, JayGriffin212, Youse1937, Cannabeme, charli55
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information