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Zinnie: Anger and Sadness
October 11, 2004
11:20 pm
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Zinnie
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My daughter started working with a new physical therapist that her fiance recommended; who then recommended she go to a different orthapedist. The outcome?

They really feel that she will always be 75% wheelchair bound.

Yes, I KNOW I should be, and I AM grateful that she is still alive.

But, she was so beautiful, so vibrant. So musically talented, intelligent, and graceful.

Now... she tires easily. She forgets so many things. She sits in a metal chair most of her days.

She still smiles.

I'm still so fucking angry.

My husband tells me "thank God she is still with us."

I'm still so angry.

October 11, 2004
11:29 pm
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Freya
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Hey Zin,
I don't know your whole story but I do know some of the hardships you have endured........I hope this comes across properly in text.

You indeed have every right to be angry. Just try not to hang on to it for too long- it just doesn't do you any good. Somehow some way, you will need to find the strength to come to terms with all that is happening around and to you.
Oh Z, if I could wash it all away and give you a clean canvass believe me I would- unfortunatly, it just doesn't work that way.
It is wonderful that your husband is so optimistic right now, you need that kind of support. Know that there is a plan for you. Have faith- you will be taken care of. I will leave it at that. Sending hugs and lots'o'love. Freya.

October 11, 2004
11:33 pm
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((((Z))))

I hear you....I do...What I say? I can only say what I feel at this moment. I think that your daughter has a wonderful fiance, that is a blessing. I think it is also a blessing that she smiles (at you I am sure) I think she draws on you for strength, which she gets unconditionally and love, both... I think that you have every right to feel the way you do and I also think that you, hubby and family are blessed. It may not seem right for me to post that right now, but I say it from my heart. You know what I'm trying to say, I hope. You were the first person to reach out to me here and you have been unwavering in your support, honesty and giving.
My thoughts and prayers to you......

Sunny

October 11, 2004
11:50 pm
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Zinnie
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It has been close to two years, and I keep wondering WHEN this anger will recede?

When will I not feel this over-whelming desire to go to that prison and kill the man that did this?

When will I no longer wish him dead?

Will I ever?

You can read the old thread "My Daughter - Sighs of Relief" - it tells what happened there.

I partly feel responsible for this happening because had I not been dealing with my a**hole cousin, manipulating me from prison, I would have paid more attention to my own child.

They told me this today when I called to wish them Happy Thanksgiving, they are in Montreal. She found this out on Friday - now I know why I did not hear from her... but she had her fiance to help her digest this. She did seem fine.

I didn't cry while she was on the phone. Now, I can't stop.

October 11, 2004
11:57 pm
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Anonymous
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Z,

I can honestly say the same thing if it were one of my daughters. I can only imagine the hurt and rage and sadness you are feeling. But I also believe this: And you told me in certain ways the same thing. You will overcome this one way or another and you will survive. You will, and you can...Let it out all you need to. This too is healing.

Love,

Sunny

October 12, 2004
12:00 am
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Freya
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WOW! I have to say that you are truly an amazing woman! I just read the post about your daughter and I got teary. Zin, cry, cry more and keep crying. There is nothing wrong with that. You are grieving what could have been and that is a good thing. I am finding myself speachless but let me say that I am a better person for having known you. Take good care of yourself and know that you are loved. Big hugs to you dear Zin- Freya.

October 12, 2004
12:22 am
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Zinnie
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I actually think I'm going to take a Xanax, and go to bed.

I have taken some time off of work right now, which I'm glad I did.

I will move on from this, we have all "moved on" and dealt with what has been given.

Yet, there is still that elusive "dream" of her leading the life she should have had... having the career she could have had, walking down the aisle, having children, teaching them to dance, showing them how to ice skate.

Yes, I'm eternally grateful she is still here, I could not have dealt with losing two children within a month - but is is wrong to think of what should have been?

October 12, 2004
12:31 am
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Z,

No, not at all.....That right belongs to you to grieve. And it is natural and your feelings are very validated. It is never wrong "to feel" whether it be any emotion. Is it wrong to think "what should have been"? No... It is a feeling that is very valid, that no one can understand unless they have walked in your moccasins. I hope you get some sleep. I don't have the answers for you, I can only send my heartfelt thoughts and prayers, and I do.

Hugs Z and family,

Sunny

October 12, 2004
1:15 am
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Zinnie-

We love you here…

Your daughter’s story is absolutely heart wrenching. I don’t know how anyone who loves her couldn’t be angry… but as much as you express your anger and frustration here- I know you are putting your energy into loving and caring for your daughter rather than wallowing in hate. You just come across as such a loving person- it’s just obvious in the way you respond even to us “strangers” here.

If you’re angry… well it seems pretty damned justified to me. Anger at your daughter’s attackers definitely is a natural response. Another source of anger might be that frustration of helplessness of not being able to change things or make it all just go away. There’s a lot you can’t do- you can’t undo what happened- but that is not your fault. As simplistic as that sounds I think when we love people that are suffering we get angry at our own limitations.

Is there ever an end to anger in situations where someone has done something unspeakable to a loved one? Are you religious? I’m not, so I can’t speak from that angle, but it helps some people. Maybe now is not the time to try and temper your anger… maybe it’s appropriate… as long as you safely express it… maybe that’s the healthiest thing to do right now? We are here to listen… and for what it’s worth tho I never met your daughter… I was angry reading about what happened to her, maybe this moster that hurt her will meet his match in jail? It happens, I doubt he's the biggest bully in there.

It's truly a tragedy, so sorry, Zinne. I know you are a great person, but you'd have to be a saint not to feel what your feeling.

You and your daughter will be in my thoughts.

Love,
ella

October 12, 2004
1:20 am
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ella,
Very well stated and you just said what I could not..Thank you...

Sunny

October 12, 2004
10:52 am
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sdesigns
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At least ( and I mean LEAST) he is in prison. At least the justice system did that. It would be even worse if he were out and able to roam about. He doesn't have the freedoms to live life as he wants to. Not punishment enough for what he has left in his wake, but it is a huge something. At least. SD

October 12, 2004
11:07 am
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lam
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Zinnie,

I haven't been able to post much lately and I can't read your other thread you referred to right now at work (although I will so that I can understand more).

I did want to at least say for now that you, your daughter, and your family, are all in my thoughts and prayers.

You opened your heart to me on my thread about my parents and showed me someone who, no matter what came down the lane to slam her, always finds a way to dust herself off and continue on AND in an extremely positive and loving way. I don't need to know all the details to be able to say that you are an amazing person, I have a tremendous respect for you and your daughter is oh sooooo very blessed to have you as her Mom. 🙂

I will try to read that other thread as soon as I can; in the meantime know that you're all in my heart and I will continue to ask God to comfort you and provide you with the strength you need to deal with all that's happened. I hope you're hanging in there and are feeling a bit better today. Talk to you soon, Zinnie,

Much love,

lam

October 12, 2004
12:05 pm
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CAMER
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Zinnie: you have every right to your anger. Feel your feelings and don't let them get the best of you. Unfort. what is done, is done. I am grateful also that she is alive. And I am sure you have alot of resentment towards "him" for doing this, he will pay his price. Listen to your hubby and try to get the best possible outlook for such an awful thing.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

((camer)))

October 12, 2004
12:33 pm
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gingerleigh
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Zinnie, wish I had something to say that could help. I know, we all talk about justified anger, and feeling our anger rather than stuffing it, because anger is an indication that something is wrong and that we need to fix it. But in this case, what can you do? It's not like there is abuse going on right now that you can take steps to stop and make the world right again. In your place, my rage would likely be just as intense, and rage can be painful too. I'm sorry Zinnie.

I *think* I remember that you and your husband are active in your church. Do you have a pastor that you trust who might be able to help guide you through the anger so that it doesn't allow that monster ex of hers to keep exerting control of your lives even though he is no longer officially part of it?

October 12, 2004
4:07 pm
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Zinnie
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Thanks for your responses. Right now not much is helping.

God, prayer, hope, Xanax.

When she was here the last time, and remained in her wheel-chair for most of the visit, I think deep down I knew this was the inevitable. Actually, I think I knew it when I was in Montreal for the baptism.

I have to face the other facts - I think she and her fiance knew and accepted it long ago - that was why while they have been building the new house, the made sure it was 100% handicapped accessable.

So, why does this hurt? Why so much?

Perhaps because with the promise of her getting married this December was the promise of her walking to her future.

I talked to her earlier today, and she seems as she always does. Relaxed, happy, looking forward to her new life.

This will pass too... we will perservere - that much I do know.

I think of this scum... sitting there in prison - his Mommy and his new wife writing letters on his behalf trying to get his sentence reduced. People who are working on the unjustice of his unjust sentence - all because he found Jesus since going to prison. People tell me he lost his freedom.

So did she.

October 12, 2004
6:43 pm
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art angel
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Hi Zinnie
I am relatively new here, and I don't know your whole story, but I just wanted to let you know that I am here too. My dad's sister was murdered when she was 17 (he was 15, and they never found out who did it. My dad has suffered ever since--he has repressed all his emotions, which affect everyone and everything around him-- so it's really really great that you can express what you're feeling.... I am thankful that your daughter is here and it seems she is very positive and resilient... I could definitely learn a lot from her. 🙂

October 12, 2004
7:02 pm
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Zinnie
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Thank you Art,

As much as I would love to "stuff" this, and actually to some point probably have - because my daughter did not need to have her parents falling apart in front of her - I can't seem to.

But, I can't seem to get past "this" news either. Why is THIS bothering me so much?

We have had two years of ups and downs and bad news and triumphs followed by tears.

Kind of like the "final blow" maybe?

As I said... I'm still so f***ing angry.

October 12, 2004
7:13 pm
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Z,

Subconsciously, yes I would think so.Maybe because now it appears to be so final. I also think perhaps the impending wedding may have something to do with it. Even though it will be a joyous occasion, perhaps in the back of your mind there is somthing there? Please remember though, that is the opinion of this new Dr. There *is* always hope. Drs are not Gods, as you well know.Maybe she could see someone else?

Hugs,

Sunny

October 12, 2004
8:57 pm
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Freya
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Hey Z, How are you today? Freya.

October 12, 2004
10:34 pm
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lam
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Hi Zinnie,

Just wanted to stop by and see how you are tonight. I was thinking of you today and tried to send positive vibes your way. 😉

Zinnie, do you feel like, with this latest news, that you may have lost that little bit of hope you may have been holding out for all this time? You said after "two years of ups and downs and bad news and triumphs followed by tears"... now this news... and it's really bothering you more than you expected, it seems. Did this news somehow strip you of the hope you had in your heart for your daughter and the future you wanted for her? The future she deserves?

I can't say I know exactly what you're feeling but I do know what it's like to have no hope. It's devastating and makes me angry at the same time. BUT I agree with Sunny, there's always HOPE. Even on the verge of suicide I found some hope inside me I didn't think was there, for a future, for something better. Dr.'s are NOT gods, they do make mistakes, they also tend to underestimate people and their spirit, their goals, their ability to heal and overcome, their determination to do things sometimes that no one can predict they'd ever do. Maybe she can get another opinion? Is that a possibility?

I hold *hope* in my heart for you all. I also have you all in my prayers.

(((((Zinnie)))))

Much love,

lam

October 13, 2004
12:37 am
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Zinnie
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Freya,

Your simple question brought me to tears. Thank you.

Iam,

Funny you should ask that. Tonight I talked to a friend of mine and she asked why so upset now? I had to really think about it... and I have the TV on, and was half watching it. Did you ever watch Oz when it was on? In the beginning the old man in the show finds out his grandson has cancer. In the very last episode his grandson dies. He is devastated, and his friend says "but you knew you would get this call." His reply summed up how I feel. He replied (best I can remember from a few years ago - remember, this is now in reruns) something to the effect of "when we know someone is going to die, we wait for the phone call - when the phone call comes we are still devastated. We say we are waiting for THAT phone call. We are not waiting on that call, we are waiting for the one that says they found the cure. What we are waiting for is hope."

THAT is exactly how I feel. She was so near death. The people that found her thought she was dead. She has had now close to 20 surgeries. She was up and walking (with a cane and walker) when she fell one night and broke her leg and foot - which was the final thing that happened and put her back in the wheelchair.

I know Dr.'s are not gods, and she has surpassed so many expectations that she is alive is honestly a miracle. There is always the hope that she will be up and walking around at some point. Medicine is an ever changing science, and great strides are being made all the time.

But, I feel like she has had so much pain in the last two years - why couldn't she be given this one small thing?

Z.

October 13, 2004
8:48 am
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Zinnie, sweetie, I send both you and Lisa love, hugs, support and encouragement. Wish I could do more to ease the pain you are going thru.

Scream your anger out, punch the pillows, get a dart board & visualize throwing darts at him.... Vent and vent some more. Find a way to release your pent up energy and hate. Once you have done this to the point of exhaustion, you can rest and focus on the Good.

We have discussed this - focusing on the good. Sometimes it is very hard though to get thru the anger to get there though. Thus, release this anger and energy as best you can. If you can harness this energy in a positive way, great. If you can just release this pain and anger thru some positive ways like I mentioned above (ways that hurt no one, including yourself), great. Lisa has been helping others in the hospital, maybe there is something similar that you can do that will also help you?

Lisa has done this. She is vibrant, loving, and full of life. Have you ever discussed with her how she has done it? Maybe you know this already. Maybe in finding out HER way, will help you with your way. Just an idea....

You know you both are cared about by many. God's blessings that Lisa is here and as wonderful as she is. She is looking forward to moving on with her life, her marriage, and her music.

Somehow, we need to help you vent, find some peace, and move on too. It will not be easy - but we (I) love you, and may knowing you have supporters and people who care help you go on to see a better day.

Sorry I am rambling.... My thoughts seem to be a bit scattered. You and your families' well being is at heart though. Sending a prayer your's & Lisa's way. Sending nothing but love, and strength.... We can talk more later. You are in my thoughts....

Love,
Juanita

October 13, 2004
9:09 am
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Zinnie
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The anger is fading, I think now that it has sunk it somewhat.

It was just a blow. Again, there was always that hope.

Thanks Juanita.

Z.

October 13, 2004
10:23 am
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Zinnie
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Now that the anger is fading, I'm feeling? Exhaustion, disgust and just finally worn out.

This is minimal compared to so many other things that could have gone wrong (my husband's words) in all that has happened to Lisa.

I'm moving my pity party to the sofa with LOUD and the beautiful Miss Pee Wee.

October 13, 2004
11:33 am
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Zinnie ...

I hear what you are saying. Hope seems to always pick itself up. There is always hope. This news was a setback indeed -- but you know for every time the drs say something is not likely etc etc there are people who have pushed on, amazing the drs and all medical evidence against them.

Hold onto that. Meanwhile, your news reminded me of one of my favorite poems -- by Miss Emily Dickinson. I bet she was quite a lady ... 🙂

""Hope" is the thing with feathers –
That perches in the soul –
And sings the tune without the words –
And never stops – at all –
And sweetest – in the Gale – is heard –
And sore must be the storm –
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm –

I've heard it in the chillest land –
And on the strangest Sea –
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb – of Me."

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