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Zin from Nan
April 13, 2004
9:30 am
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nancee
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Zinnie,

You already know I've been in this mood for the past 2 weeks or so...misssing him, thinking about him again. The fact that the divorce has been filed has opened up everything again and I can't help but wonder if this will be our second chance. Why am I sitting around brooding about the good times?

I'm a smart person, I can remember the not so good things. Do I really want or deserve to spend my life with someone who won't even get me a birthday card? (I'm gearing up for our party, by the way) Do I want to be married to someone who can't discuss their feelings and who doesn't want to hear about mine? Do I want to be with someone who can't, or won't pay me a compliment?

I know the answers to all these questions. I think part of what's bothering me is just missing having someone to hug me and hold my hand. The physical affection he was okay at. But I also need someone that I can talk to and share feelings with. He was never good at that, why do I think he would be any better now? I torture myself with images of him with someone else being the person I needed him to be. The truth is, he wasn't that person with his wife or me, so he probably will never be that person, no matter who he is with.

Yesterday was particularly bad. I thought about him all day, wanted to email him so bad just to say hi. After work I did a really stupid thing, I called his cell phone...he used to call me when he was on his way home. He didn't answer and I could just picture him looking at my number on his caller id and ignoring me. I left a message just saying hi and asking how he is doing. I immediately wished I hadn't.

Right after that, I checked my mail and got my scores from the CPC (certified professional coder) exam that I took last month. I passed! I have a title after my name now. I decided if he did call back that I would enjoy telling him about that because he was with me all through the classes I took and knew how anxious I was about the certification test. Needless to say, he didn't return my call.

I guess my issue is, why can't I see him for the person that he really is? Am I just afraid, or too lazy, to find someone new? I think if we had spent more time together I would have gotten frustrated with him and might have ended it myself. Is it just my pride hurting over the fact that I'm not the one who ended it? I was never anything but good to him and I know I don't deserve to be treated like this, no matter what he is feeling. I guess I'm not really looking for any answers, just need to vent.

On a happier note, when I got to work today, my desk was all decorated with streamers and everyone has come over to congratulate me so I am queen for the day! I'm so relieved I don't have to take that exam again. I did good!

Thanks for listening.

Love,

Nan

April 13, 2004
10:06 am
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NancyW
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It does feel good to vent, doesn't it? It's part of the healing process. There are alot of feelings to go through and it's hard. Have faith in yourself that you will make it! Try to keep self-respect, self-love, and kindness in your heart and you'll come out a better person for it. When I started wallowing in self-pity, looking at our pictures, reading his notes & cards, he'd given me, I was just sabotaging myself. Yesterday, I heard 'our son' on the radio. I KNEW if I listened to it, I'd be reduced to a sobbing, pathetic mess, so I turned the station. Try to live for the bright future ahead of you and know you can deal with issues as they come. You won't go "POOF" and disappear.

April 13, 2004
10:13 am
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karmic ali
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Hi Nan, I'm new here, and I just wanted to let you know that reading your post made me feel happy for you. It's ALWAYS tough when someone else ends the relationship, and you'll always wonder if it could have worked out differently.

You're handling it very well. Reminding yourself of the things you disliked about him is the best way to get over him!

Armed with your new CPC title, you are a woman on the move! You go girl!

April 13, 2004
10:14 am
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nancee
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Thanks Nancy. Today is already better than yesterday. I'm wondering about the timing of me getting my test results yesterday. I think that was a signal to me to remember that there are more important things to focus on. My personal life may be lacking right now, but work is better than ever. I am so thankful for that. Sadly, like not getting a birthday card from my ex, we didn't have a song either. He was/is pretty lacking in the emotional/sentimental department, where I am very in touch with my feelings and like to talk about anything and everything. I'm making myself focus on things like that because I know he could never have really met my needs. Thanks for your input.

Nan

April 13, 2004
10:18 am
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nancee
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Thanks, Ali. It means so much to me to get positive feedback today. I have now found out that they are having a party for me at 230 today to celebrate my success. I would have liked to share my news with him but I guess this is the beginning of a new chapter of my life without him.

I'm so glad to have new people to talk to . Thanks for the positive energy. I'm feeling much better.

Nan

April 13, 2004
10:23 am
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Zinnie
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Hi Nancee,

I wonder if you are now thinking of him because like we have talked about before - he kept using staying together until his son was older and he could leave as the excuse. Now, his wife finally had enough - booted him out... and he is still not available to you.

I think if you really look at the situation with him - like you have... and you now understand where his wife was coming from - he is not there for anyone. He can't be because he is too selfish.

I mean think about it. Like you said - he could not even buy you a birthday card. A birthday card? How hard is that to come across? You can find one at any store, grocery store, drugstore, even a 7-11. But, he could not take the time. Yet, how often did you rearrange your schedule to make time for him - because he "could only get away then."

The sad thing is that he will not ever be there for anyone, and despite what he has told you in the past - I have to wonder if he is really there for his son?

Why is this hurting you now? Well, because for six years of your life you gave your heart to this man with the promise that you would some day be together. He dangled that carrot on the line in front of you to keep you there... the promise that he would one day leave his wife, and you would be together. Well, now the wife is gone - and where is he? Finding himself.

I guess the thing to do, is keep on moving forward with your life. Snap that rubber band! Will he ever realize what he lost? I don't know, as much as I want to say yes, people like him tend to only think of themselves.

Now - on to your good news! Hurray for you! That is wonderful, I'm so glad to hear of your success and big congrats! We will have to open the champagne on the story thread... boy such a party we are having! Kessie's birthday, you passing your exam! That is really something and I'm proud of you, as you should be too.

Now for the big question - what to wear to Eskimo Joe's?

Seriously - I hope this helps...

Love,

Zin

April 13, 2004
11:07 am
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nancee
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You always help, Zin. I just need some good honest feedback and you've always got it. I got some welcome input from new friends too. I guess sometimes I need to let these feelings out before I can move on to a happer place. I'm trying to figure out what to wear to Eskimo Joe's too. Let me know what you come up with.

I asked for a male stripper for my party today but the best they could come up with was a construction worker from outside. Maybe for our birthday?

I'm sorry I didn't even ask you you're feeling. You seem to be posting all over the place this week so I'm guessing you have more energy...

April 13, 2004
12:28 pm
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nancee
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Crap! I emailed him to tell him I passed my exam and now he's corresponding with me and being friendly. Why did I do that? I'm getting queasy....

Must think of something else....all the missed valentines and birthday cards....find a happy place...

April 13, 2004
1:58 pm
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Zinnie
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Block his e-mail!

Otherwise... who else will we have to laugh at while eating at Eskimo Joes?

Just e-mail him and say "thought you would like to know... busy get back to you later" then don't. Then you see - you have "left him" feel better?

Z.

April 13, 2004
2:22 pm
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nancee
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I feel stupid because I'm the one who started it. I shouldn't have emailed him at all. He worked it into things that he hasn't been seeing anybody, just spending lots of time with his son. I really wasn't prepared for him to answer the email. I thought he would ignore it and then I could get mad and be done with things. I've opened up a whole new can of worms.

Anam suggested that maybe I need a little 'hair of the dog'....go back and get one more big dose of him to remind myself that I'm not missing anything and then I can get over him. I don't know if that's such a good idea for me in my fragile state.

I am going to try to get together with the older guy I was telling you about. I want to do something other than sit around and pine away for what never was. I realize I sound very immature today and am making way more out of this than I should. Is this part of progress?

April 13, 2004
2:28 pm
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Zinnie
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Yes, part of progress.

Not a fan of the hair of the dog treatment.

Call your new friend. Stop e-mailing Oompa... just a final "well, thought you would like to know, have a nice life" type of thing... don't open up new emotional contact it's too hard to get over it... and be done with it.

O.K. - we have a month to plan this thing... not Mother's Day weekend, I have to work, and my birthday and our anniversary are right then, so I have promised my time to my husband, but if I'm feeling well enough - the following weekend?

April 13, 2004
2:50 pm
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nancee
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The weekend after Mother's Day will be great. I have to start saving up so I can get lots of Eskimo Joe's gear. What are we going to wear? I don't think a coconut bra and grass skirt are appropriate attire for a restaurant.

I answered one of Oompa's emails earlier and he hasn't responded. I think I got a little too friendly. Sometimes I'm my own worst enemy. It's like if I keep talking to him, maybe he'll say something I want to hear. I have to remember I'm not exactly thinking with my brain right now. I'm acting more like a horny teenager than a certified professional coding princess. I am leaving well enough alone...no more emails.

How are you feeling today? Getting any rest?

April 13, 2004
3:07 pm
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Zinnie
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Trying to rest, and then here comes LOUD with a toy...

The house is nice and quiet except for him. My husband and our house guest are both working...

So, all I have is me, the sofa, the TV, and LOUD. The beautiful Miss Pee Wee is asleep in my husband's chair.

Wishing I could do the same.

Z.

April 16, 2004
1:24 pm
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nancee
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Hey Zinnie. Just wanted to give you an update. I had a counseling appointment yesterday (my last), waited 25 minutes before she finally came out to get me. I was pretty aggravated but I stayed anyway. I filled her in on everything that is going on with work and Oompa. She just listened to me ramble on and then suggested I check out a church single's group! She suggested this on my first visit and I told her this was not something I was comfortable with. She brought it up again yesterday like it was a brand new idea! I had grown tired of her always giving me a 'to do' list at the end of my appointments....take a relaxing bubble bath, spend time with friends, etc. I know to do these things without someone telling me to. I feel like I need more substance than that, more interaction, more something, just more that I was getting. I had to end the appointment early because of time and all she had to say was, 'well, you seem to be doing much better, when would you like to come back?'......

I realized after I left that I have been doing all the work without her help. As I was talking to her about my recent contact with Oompa, I told her that I had initially wanted him to come see me at lunch like we had been doing before, but decided that was a bad idea. I kept talking about the different scenarios and shot down every one of them. I said out loud that I didn't think it was a good idea for me to see him again. Is that progress or what? And I came to that realization on my own. I left her office feeling like I had really accomplished something and that I don't need her any longer. I don't plan to go back unless something new comes up, and even then, I may request to be referred to someone else.

I just wanted you to know what an improvement I have made. Who would've thought that I would ever say I didn't think I should see him again? Or that I would think enough of myself to realize that my counselor is not meeting my needs? I'm not saying if he called me right now and said he was on his way over with a diet coke for me that I wouldn't go rushing out the door, just that I have more important things to focus my energy on and the longer he lets me go, the less I need him. Coming to this site has made all the difference for me. More than any of my counseling visits ever did.

Just thought you'd like to hear something positive for a change. How are you feeling? Getting rested up for our birthday party I hope. I'm ready to party!

Love,

Nan

April 16, 2004
1:47 pm
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Zinnie
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Can't you see the little red LOUD dog dancing on the table at Eskimo Joes? He got into a fight this morning with the backyard fence - the boy is not right!

Anyway - BRAVO TO YOU! We will be celebrating on the story thread again for you! Wonderful!

It sounds like your counselor is perhaps overbooked, or something. An appointment should never run 25 minutes late! Never. First class in "Mental Health Ethics" - was be on time. Anyway - I think lots of counselors end their sessions like that with the "feel good thought" - which works for some. I know mine - that I saw years ago, and need to contact again - for various reasons always ended with "Go Well" which I thought was a cool way to send someone on their way.

Well, if old Oompa comes knocking diet coke in hand - DON'T answer the door... Remember, you also now have the littlered LOUD dog who "all chicks dig" and he is happy with a jerky treat and a pat on the head.

Well done, I'm really proud of you.

Love,

Zinnie

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