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zax here, I really need help, please.
October 23, 2006
6:34 pm
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southgoingzax
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If anyone is around please read my last long post on my thread, is he crazy, am I codep?

Please. I really can't seem to get a grip.

October 23, 2006
6:51 pm
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southgoingzax
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Anybody? Please, I am shaking and crying and I feel frozen. I need someone to talk me through this.

October 23, 2006
6:54 pm
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healintime
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Hi Zax - you still there?

October 23, 2006
6:55 pm
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southgoingzax
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yeah, please help me. I feel like such a stupid idiot. Why did I do that? Why did I sabotage this? I did this.

October 23, 2006
6:56 pm
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healintime
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Take a biiiig deep breath if you are. Literally.

There's a great breathing exercise for the wobbles - sit up straight and breate in slowly for fur beats - hold for two then out slowly for four beats. Repeat 10 times.

October 23, 2006
6:57 pm
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healintime
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Reality check: you didn't sabotage anything.

October 23, 2006
6:57 pm
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southgoingzax
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it's making me cry. It hurts to breathe.

October 23, 2006
6:58 pm
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southgoingzax
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But I KNEW! I knew, right after I sent the emails, that something wasn't right, that's why I tried to get them back.

October 23, 2006
6:58 pm
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healintime
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Zax, whose boundaries were violated?

If P were worried about the Sensei thinking he talks out of school - well, he shouldn't have talked out of school.

October 23, 2006
7:00 pm
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southgoingzax
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I should have thought about it first, I should have waited to calm down before calling her. P always tells me things I shouldn't know from the dojo - he counts on me to act and speak appropriately, and I blew it.

October 23, 2006
7:00 pm
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healintime
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Secondly - you were standing up for yourself by directly addressing gossip that you might "make" someone quit the Dojo. Perfectly within your right to contact her directly to straighten things out. If it's turned into "gossip" or he/said she/said at the Dojo - why is it wrong for you to mail the Sensei and tell her that your private life is private and that it won't affect her business?

October 23, 2006
7:01 pm
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healintime
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If that's true honey - if it really was self-sabotage, why do you think you sent the email?

October 23, 2006
7:04 pm
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southgoingzax
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because, she told him, not me. I just assumed that some things she knew we shared, and I would never bring the things he wasn't supposed to share with me, at least not knowingly, I just thought I had a good reason to clear the air. I didn't think. I should have thought. I should have calmed down and waited and thought it through.

October 23, 2006
7:05 pm
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southgoingzax
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Because I want to be miserable, I want my life to suck, somehow I want to screw things up, so that I can have an excuse to be a failure.

October 23, 2006
7:06 pm
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healintime
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Or maybe a small part of you was indignant at not having a "voice?"

October 23, 2006
7:08 pm
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southgoingzax
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Well, yes, I mean, I am so tired of everyone there talking about me and no one talking to me. It had to do with me, why wasn't I asked? Why did sensei have to violate my privacy by asking my friend to tell her what was going on? I am sick of that, but it isn't P's fault, it's because sensei is nosy and in everyone's business. But especially mine.

October 23, 2006
7:09 pm
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healintime
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P basically says "the Sensei had heard that you'd "make" one of her blackbelts leave the Dojo - I had to straighten her out"

That's awful, Zax. It's manipulative and it was bound to make you feel awful, and uncomfortable. P's upset becaus he wanted to be able to do thatm and violate -your- boundaries without having you do the adult thing and deal directly with the owner of a Dojo that you've been going to for years to get things straightened out.

All you've done is broken one of P's "rules." But he behaved badly by telling you something a) hurtful and b) by breaking the Sensei's confidence. Now he's trying to make you feel guilty for it. Neat trick.

October 23, 2006
7:10 pm
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southgoingzax
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It shouldn't have been a big deal, should it? I WAS angry and upset when I called her, I shuold have calmed down and thought things through, but is it that big a deal? I can't tell. I'm so confused. Why did I do this to myself?

October 23, 2006
7:12 pm
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healintime
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What you did, after months of question marks and a period that has been really short on frank, direct, conversations - was say:

"Guess what guys - I matter - I exist - and I have a voice, too."

October 23, 2006
7:12 pm
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southgoingzax
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Oh my god. Is he really a monster?

Didn't I break his confidence by going to sensei with information she addressed to him?

October 23, 2006
7:14 pm
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southgoingzax
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Why do I feel like I did something really wrong then? I shouldn't have called her, I should have not let it bother me.

October 23, 2006
7:14 pm
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healintime
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You didn't - you did if FOR yourself. And the rule is that P's in control - for once you just acted for yourself.

Maybe in teh heat of the moment you didn't care that he might be upset or you knew anyway and on a subconscous level decided to giv ehim one in the eye.

October 23, 2006
7:17 pm
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southgoingzax
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But my actions impact him - at least, he feels they do, in this situation - I'm supposed to consider his feelings before doing something that might impact us both.

Is this really true, what you're saying? Or is it just another perspective? What's true? I don't know what to think.

October 23, 2006
7:17 pm
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healintime
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Zax, it SHOULD bother you. It should bother you that gossip over this relationship is floating around the Dojo and that the Sensei's opinion of you might have been affected by something that's just not true.

It SHOULD bother you that P told you this to make you uncomfortable.

It SHOULD bother you that when you did the right thing and went to the nut of the issue to talk to the Sensei that P's upset - when he did the wrong thing by telling you in the first place and then expected you to just sit, passively, voiceless, taking that discomfort.

October 23, 2006
7:18 pm
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healintime
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Did he ask you not to talk to Sensei?

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