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your going to die a lonely lady
September 21, 2000
1:16 am
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lucinda
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I do not no where to start I am feeling so depressed I cant seem to get any better my life at the moment is so aweful I am blessed with two beautiful boys age 14 7. and I live with my de facto we are never happy he seems to have to put me down constantly I makes me feel so worthless I cant stand it much longer I am starting to go crazy and I mostly start to belive what he is saying I think this is why I have been feeling so low all the time he does this in front of my boys and they wont listen to me at all now they just dont take me seriously when I ask them to do something the things he has been saying are you are so pathetic lazy no good also you are going to die a lonely woman you have nothing to offer anyone if you leave you and your stupid family are all going to hell he has said every thing to me and i feel so lonely i cant seem to get my self mently out of this my personalily is a fairly dominent person i have no money to leave and i have tried to talk to him and tell him that he is hurting my feeling but im sure that he uses this against me my 16 year old daughter has left because of this reason as he was constantly behaving this way to her also please can somebody help me with some solutions to my problem love lucinda kim

September 21, 2000
1:51 am
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fish27
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Ok Lucinda, never let a man put you down. Stand up for yourself. I know it's easier said than done, believe me I have been mistreated by a man before. But you need to start somewhere so why not start with yourself? Take some time away from the house, time for yourself. Whether it's at Starbucks or the gym or just to sit in your car by the beach or something. You say you have no money to leave, then (if you do have a job)save a little at a time. Put the money in a personal bank account or in a safe place where you know no one will find it. Save like $5 per week or something. But whenever you get a hold of some kind of money, save some of it. If you don't have a job then get one. If you start standing up for yourself then maybe your kids will see you in a different light (a good one). Stop doing anything and everything for that man. When he comes home, you leave and don't explain yourself, just leave. And I don't know if you are somewhat religious, but I would say try praying too. It just might give you the strength you need to do these things. I hope I was of some help to you and I hope things work out for you Lucinda. Take care!

September 21, 2000
9:08 am
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blueeyes
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Lucinda,

My heart goes out to you. I have, in my recent past, been experiencing the same kind of thing. Though my partner would say things in an around about way so that noone else could tell he was putting me down. He would interrupt me all the time and also de edify me in front of my son. Luckily I have many friends who know the truth about me and love me for who I am. My partner would call joy less and say that I caused problems with his friends when we went out. They didn't think so though. The problem was/is all in his head.
It's not my fault or my problem. I have told him that if he wants to seriously have a relationship with me then he will have to sort himself out
in therapy!!!

I have been seeing a counsellor for 5 years now, as part of a counselling course that I'm doing. Only 2 years to go and I can be a counsellor. It has boosted my self esteem no end. My son sees me studying for something and each time I pass a certificate he sees that go up on the wall. He sees me working to support us and he knows how proud I am of him, regardless of anyone else. All of this helps me to combat my partner's put downs. I know that if he oversteps the mark again, there is no going back. We split up a while ago and we've been working things out, but there's no chance of me putting up with that behaviour again. NO WAY.
You are worthwhile lady! Have you got friends to back you up, give you love and a hug? They are invaluable!
Keep safe, your kids love you!
Blue eyes.

September 21, 2000
10:47 am
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lucinda
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thankyou fish27 and thankyou blueeyes

September 21, 2000
12:35 pm
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Molly
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I believe that we have the power to language our future. We have the power of choice. It is difficult to pull your self out of the rut you are in, but the first step is to recognize that you are in a rut, so congratulations for recognizing that change is needed. Now do something, anything. Blue eyes and fish, have given you some good suggestions. It starts with baby steps, and before you know it you are a marathon runner. I would also suggest that you see a counselor join a group, any group, you need social interaction, and some one besides your partner to mirror who you are, or are not. We are responsible for empowering some one elses labels. If it does not fit simply do not wear it. Amazingly that simple. Just like a duck sheds water, shed the ca ca. He knows your buttons, and what to push and when when. React different, if he expects you to yell whisper, when he expects you to cry laugh, he will think you have really gone over the edge, and toss him off balance. Remember it takes two, and if you don't jump in his sand box, what's he gonna do?

September 22, 2000
10:17 am
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sugar brown
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Lucinda, you must be strong for your sons, because obviously your husband is not. He is very weak, which is why he puts you down. He does it to uplift himself. You need to ask God to help you get through this and stand up to him, and let him know that you are strong and brave. Understand that you are not the things he claims you to be. He is all of those things. But, he feels so sorry for himself that he has to put you down. Go to counseling, pray and you will find the strength to leave him.

September 22, 2000
2:21 pm
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Brenda
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Lucinda, you are both victims of soul illness, please let go of him ( literally if you have to ) and grab on to you.
Get yourself to a codependency 12 step group and learn to create a life for yourself and healing from lovelessness. god bless

September 25, 2000
6:13 am
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lucinda
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i have the chance to get a place for me to live but i have decided to leave the boys with their father in our own home and i will move out i am going to miss them terribly but my de facto is always saying i do nothing around the house and putting me down the boys can visit me during the day and then go home to their father but i do feel guilty not taking them with me i am suffering from depression and on antidepressants my defacto says that i will not be able to look after my self and i will be needing him to look after me i am so nervous but i no i cant stand him treating me this way i am not inocent either i do fight with him to and this is not acceptable for my boys to see their parents act this way will things get better we will just have to wait and see

September 25, 2000
6:10 pm
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Molly
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I think that you have made the right choice, I have talked to many a mother, who have done just what you did, and many women who wish they had done what you did. The roles are no longer the same, society does not judge us by the values that we hold on to. Take the time to get your self together, I support you in your choice. The boys would act out for their dad, and it will be hard for you to manage your illness, recovery, being a single parent, work, and be there for them, be the Disneyland mom for a change, get healthy, and your going to be a better person, and mother for it. Keep strong, and youll get strong, with out all the stress, and negative stuff, Good luck to you

September 26, 2000
5:31 pm
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lover2000
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Lucinda,

I feel for you. Keep your head up, everything is going to be all right. I know you can't see it right now, but if you just believe it, it will be all right. Appearantly, this man has some self esteem issues and feels he must degrade other people just to feel good about himself. Let me tell you, you as a person are worth more than gold. I don't know what your belief is, and I'm not trying to force my beliefs on you, but I want to encourage you that the battle is not yours, it's the Lord's. For everything, God has a purpose and He will surely lead you through this. Therefore, as Jesus told Peter, Let not your heart be troubled. I know it's rough, but believe me you will be victorious in the end. You just wait and see. And remember, no matter what comes your way, you always have a friend, me! God bless you and once again, it will be all right. God loves you and so do I.

September 28, 2000
9:57 am
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lucinda
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hi all i cant sleep so i thought of checking out this great site well this wednesday coming is the day im moving to my new place, and i can say that i am nervous so im counting the days, i have been thinking i will be lonely because i have never lived bye myself before as i had my first child when i turned 18 and before this i lived with my parents. now being 34 and it feels scary to start again but this time being alone.

September 28, 2000
6:45 pm
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Molly
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Your gonna love it. Congrats to you, there is such a difference between being alone, and being lonely. Decorate, eat what you want, and love your children, hog the bed, and don't clean the bath tub till you want to. Buy fresh flowers, and celebrate your freedom.

September 29, 2000
12:28 am
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lucinda
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WOW molly i feel very excited! when i look at my situation how things are i am wondering what the hell was i thinking that if i stay everything will work out gee wizz i have wasted so much happy free time with my children, but not any more girls it feels great to have this feeling that my life is heading in the direction for change for the better well im going down for a swim i live near the ocean sending all my happiness to everyone who wants it love lucinda

September 29, 2000
4:06 am
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n.m_w.
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dear luc,
i am so happy things have turned out so wonderfully for you and that you have discovered what a strong, lovely and couragous woman you are. you give me hope. congrats to you and i'm sure one of the greatest new joys you will be having is showing that man, you can do it. Best wishes
n.m_w.

November 24, 2000
7:15 am
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lucinda
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i thought that i would come back and pour my heart out again i have been thinking that i should go back home to live i am feeling very guilty i know that my boys are missing me and i miss them my husband hasn't changed his attitude towards me and i want so badly to make it work can i have the perfect family life i mean i just want to be happy and be a family again

November 24, 2000
10:34 am
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janes
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Have the boys over more or have them stay weekends....

Forget the guilt!!!!!!!!!!

Why should you feel guilty. was he right.

NONONONONONONOONONONONONO

He will not change his attitude. Look what he did to your daughter. He has something against women in general and you got the shit. What ever HIS problem is you can't fix it for him. He has to do that. Obviously he doesn't want to.

You need to be strong for the boys. They were only learnig to treat women the way he does when you were there. Now they can see that a strong woman will NOT take crap forever. Hopefully you will be succussful and they will choose you. But it's not a contest for their approval and love. This is the race to win back YOUR SELF ESTEEM.

Guilt is natural but you don't need it

Stay strong so you can teach the boys that abuse is never okay is any form from any one amle or female.

if you didn't have the perfect life before you left what has been done to make it perfect now? Has he changed? Have you? Do you believe the things he was saying?

Get the book coodependent no more. Look for a website...Dr Irene's verbal abuse site, go to a couselor go to the self help section of a library or bookstore...

Love your new life, love those boys,
Love them. Tell them and make a warm happy second home for them.

Good luck

November 25, 2000
11:55 am
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Molly
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Hang tough, its the holiday season, and it triggers all sorts of thoughts and feelings. Go get busy, don't let the negative self talk talk you into the black hole. Read write, get the cards out to friends, make phone calls to charity, just don't go backwards, that is a bigger black hole, and you might not have the stregnth to pull your self out of it. Fight the fear, fight the pain, fight for what you know is the right thing, it is hard, but you will win peace and freedom for your self and your children if you get over this hump. Write a list of all the good that you have experienced over the last few months, focus on the good, then write a list of all the bad that you had before you left. It won't be different other than it will be worse he will punish you for leaving. It will come out some how some way. You are better where you are honost. Believe in you.

November 26, 2000
9:30 am
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janes
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Luc...I'm sorry...guilt is NOT NATURAL...as women we are trained to feel guilty if the men and family aren't happy.

Guilt is codependent.

HOW ARE YOU!!!!

November 26, 2000
12:27 pm
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gingerleigh
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I haven't read much on the subject of codependency, but what Janes said above...

"GUILT IS CODEPENDENT"

Wow! I've been wandering around for the last few years feeling, just, weird, like I'm walking on eggshells. I couldn't put my finger on what the feeling was. It was guilt. My feelings about myself change hourly, from feeling like I am very smart, pretty, talented, and have just GOT my sugar together. Then 10 minutes later I feel mean, ugly, and depressed. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way.

To everyone who posts and reads these posts for support, keep on rockin'. I am building up the courage to tell my story in a new post, share my experiences that I hope people can learn from, and benefit from the experiences that you all have had.

Thanks all, happy holidays.

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