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young married couple
February 15, 2006
8:16 pm
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SEESEE
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My husband and I have been married for three years. He is very active in sports and with his friends. I feel left out. About four months ago he decided that it might be good for him to stay with friends for a little while. A few weeks turned into four months. I fought him all the way for about the first month and finnaly caved. Divorce was discussed but we (I) am trying to work through it. However, it is so up and down that I go through spells of just giving up.I am exhausted with trying to keep up with him. I feel left behind. For ex: Valentine's Day, he meets me for lunch, brings me flowers and a card. The goal we agreed on was to try to be together by 7:30pm.He said that he might play basketball. Well, he did play basketball and was the ride for everyone and got home at about 11:30pm. I was asleep. He opened his gift and card without me.

February 15, 2006
8:55 pm
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sep
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Wow!sounds like me with my ex..I am a 41 male married at 22...way to young, of course I'm now divorced. I've learned that when you have a partnership with someone can you honestly say that he/she is your best friend? if not! time to move on.
My girl and I are like glue we do everything together we are buds...
she is my friend and all I need.
I hope you do whats right for you sounds like you will,seek advice from people 15-20 years older experience knows best..

February 15, 2006
9:14 pm
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loverbee
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My question to you is, Is he aware that he needs to be doing just as much as you to keep the relationship going? It kind of sounds like he is just really immature and doesn't know that even a committed relationship let alone a marriage is a two way deal. He needs to stop being so selfish. Valentines day and he didn't even spend it with you after saying he would. He needs to grow up and start being someone you can depend on or the relationship will never work. If he just thinks marraige is a way to make sure he has someone to cook for him every night and that he doesn't need to give anything in return. Sorry you had to spend valentines day without him though. I have been with my boyfriend for five years now and I am 23 now. I know that we are both not ready for marraige and thats why I really don't want to get married until I am much older. But my boyfriend is my bestfriend and it seems as though your beau is not being a very good friend. Take care of yourself. Look at him and the relationship for what it really is.

February 16, 2006
8:07 pm
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SEESEE
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Wow! Iguess that I really wasnt sure what kind of response I would get but Thank both of you. Wow! It sort of changes your perspective to have an outside opinion.
We have been together for 6years and married for three. The past year has been the hardest because we a young and trying to still kind of find out who we are as aduts, i guess. But his idea of effort and mine are very different. We used to be "like glue". We used to do everything together and somewhere along the way we lost eachother. He started doing his thing and I started doing mine and we forgot to include eachother and by the time we had realized it, he was packing up to move in with friends. Probably a very tough life lesson for me. I am still holding on to hope that we can get through this. While it has gotten better I still feel left out somehow.
Thank you so much for your response. It means a lot to me.

February 16, 2006
8:33 pm
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SEESEE
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I dont know if I can ride this out.I am scared and angry and just sick!

February 18, 2006
3:59 pm
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sep
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You sound like you are immediately blaiming yourself by saying "a very tough lesson for me" - I would definitely have to say its a tough lesson for both of you. If you both, indeed, want the relationship to continue then the blame is on the both of you - not just you. I would first establish with your husband if he does want the relationship - and ask him to be brutally honest with you - ask him to not say what he "thinks" you want to hear - but what he really wants. If he does want to continue the relationship then you need to pin point what went wrong - and why the glue fell apart. Did he just stop going places of interest to you - and you the same with him - just to re-establish your "individuality"? If so - then there's a problem. You need to remember what made the relationship so special in the beginning and revisit those moments.
If he tells you that the relationship is not something he wants - then by all means - let him go. Do not spend any time trying to convince him otherwise - even if its something you want desperately. You will not change him - and if you convince him to stay - he'll never truly be happy and never truly try to make it work. I wish you all the very very best with your decision. Remember that you need to do what's best for the both of you - and you have to make the decision together. If you do decide to go your seperate ways - then maybe a friendship between the two of you may be salvagable.

February 19, 2006
10:15 pm
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BoneT
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SEESEE I think you should walk out the next door you see and walk out of the past and into the future. As a man who would have liked the woman I waas with to spend some time with me and include me in everything it never happened. so after wasting 20 years of my life with this woman I'm going to take some of my own advise before I'm to old to go anywhere with anybody.good luck my door is open. Bet if honey found that out he would spend every second he was awake withyou

February 22, 2006
10:35 am
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SEESEE
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Everyone seems to be giving such good advice. I am going to try the brutally honest approach first and kind of go from there. It is just so scary. But, sep, you are right. Thank you. Both.

February 22, 2006
11:48 am
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taj64
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Have you talked to him about how you feel, that you feel left out, that you don't seem to be friends? Are you asking him how you can make this better and express that you were disappointed that he wasn't around on Valentines Day? Don't blame yourself, it is easy to do but don't do it. He is responsible for his own actions and he is not putting your needs or considering your feelings as a partner or even as a friend. Are you asking him why he wants to part? It doesn't sound like you are part of his life if he does his thing and you do yours. If a marriage is not nourished, it will die. How about marriage counseling? It sounds like the two of you need to communicate your needs to each other more than anything.

February 22, 2006
11:57 am
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codep
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I think first of all you should "get your own life" do what makes "you" happy that does not include him. I think It's very, very important to maintain your independence in a relationship and rather than your partner being some one that enhances "your life" they actually become responsible for it! We cant make anyone else responsible for our own happiness. As far as spending time with him and feeling left out. Do you have any hobbies or interests that you enjoy doing together? Find something to do "as a couple" that both of you enjoy doing together, not only do you spend time together but it builds a bond that only you and he share. Goodluck I know it's tough...

February 23, 2006
1:38 pm
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nappy
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First of all, have you ask yourself why you got married in the first place.
I have heard all kinds of answers and people don't understand why there marriage is not working.
Marriage in this day and age is very difference then people that you may know that have been together for a long time.
It is like a game to some people. when the going is going good, then I will stay, but when I don't want it anymore then i am leaving. Well if he left one time, he will leave again.
My son is going through the same things but that is something that he is going to have to comes to term with.
They married young also and didn't tell me, (his mother). He thought that she was cool, well the coolness has died down and she left him with his son. Well she is ready to come home but the only thing that I can tell him is that if she come back and things don't go her way, she will leave again. I ask him does he want to relive the pain again. The decision is up to him. Just like it is up to you.
Hang in there.

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