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You cant depend on a codepenent!!!
April 26, 2007
3:25 am
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foolfoolfool
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Posted from a victim of a codependant partner, who tore my heart into bite sized pieces, slowly & methodically chewed it up, spat it out, moulded it back together & then kicked it around like a football, jumped on it like a trampoline, grated it like a peice of cheese, loved it like a disobedient pet, chained it up like a slave & forgot about it like an old favourite sweater & brought it out when they couldnt find anything newer to wear.
Once you realise THAT you CANT depend on a codependant to change their ways if they dont have any real desire to you are SET FREE!
Their love is NOT REAL! It is just a symptom of their codependency & they will use EVERY trick in the book to "keep" you confused & bewildered. They will manipulate you into "proving" your love to them for that is the "nourishment" they REQUIRE to survive.... & if you dont live up to their MOUNTAINOUS expectations they WILL trap you until the next poor unsuspecting soul shows them a little attention.... and THEN they will "play" you against eachother to see who is MORE worthy of their "love" ( or in reality, more easily manipulated )
I am not ANGRY anymore! I know the signs now & i will NEVER give my heart away to somone who shows signs oF this disorder.
I AM FREE!!!!

April 26, 2007
3:40 am
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fantas
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fff, good for you!!! I totally hear you. Been there, done that, couple times over. Keep on keeping on!

April 26, 2007
8:12 am
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Robert123
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fool, what you are describing might be a more serious disorder. It just doesn't sound like a classic codependant. Have you looked into Borderline personality disorder? bpdcentral.com might have some helpful info.

April 26, 2007
8:31 am
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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I agree with Robert.

Codependency is a people pleasing addiction. It is also an addiction to other people who have addictions, the need to "fix" things for other people.

Insecurity, neediness and clinginess is a symptom, but usually a larger symptom of low self esteem/worth.

Borderline personality people make their partners crazy with their requirements and need for validation...there is alot of push and pull back and forth.

Check out a website called "to oz and back"...it's about one guys struggle with a borderline personality partner.

As for codependents....they USUALLY pick unhealthy partners...partners who have emotional problems, financial problems, mental problems, addictions, alcohol abuse or something else. So, without trying to point any blame....IF you truly had a codependent partner...then what did they see in you that needed to be "fixed"??? Cuz codependent people do not stay long with boring, safe, healthy partners. If your partner was truly codependent, and you were truly a healthy, good partner you would have scared them off because they can't handle "healthy"...and they need to "fix".

codependency is a need to "fix"...borderline personality is a need for the love to be proven.

Also, because there is always two people dancing the "dance"...look inside and see what it was that drove you to stay with this person, despite their apparently unhealthy behaviours. If your partner truly treated you this badly for this long, why not get out sooner? What made you stay, what were the signs, and how can you ensure you will not fall "victim" of this same type of person again.

You mention not being angry any more, but you do sound angry still.

April 26, 2007
9:59 am
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foolfoolfool
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Thank you risingfromtheashes.
Perhaps you are right about the borderline personality thing. I have searched the net to try & understand this problem & have had conflicting "descriptions". But borderline sounds more like what i experienced.
My "reasons" for dancing the dance for SO long were because i was honestly in love with this person, that despite all of their faults they were charming & funny & had other qualities that made up for the crap things.

We are ALL human & we ALL have our faults and we are all children of the universe. I made a commitment to this person for good & bad & i stuck it out for 4 years believing i was being a caring considerate human being.... Not realising i was ENABLING the behaviours by forgiving & giving them another chance to treat me in an apropriate manner.

No wonder there is SO much divorce, people just bail out when the going gets tough. People are generally selfish and tend not to realise that they themselves are not perfect creatures & if someone hurts them they tend not to look at the underlying issues... such as an adult not dealing with a relationship apropriately because they were screwed up as children & have never been shown how to have a "normal" loving relationship.

I realised that about my EX & i CARED enough to TRY to help resolve the issues.

We are no longer together because ultimately the person with the personality disorder has to WANT to change. In the end i HAD to give them an ultimatum because i could not bare to watch the person i loved continue to destroy themselves with self hate & the realisation that by my staying in the relationship i just continued to enable.

April 26, 2007
2:34 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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there does come a time when you have to look out for your own self before the good of the relationship.

if your own self is not being cared for, the relationship will suffer.

and if you were allowing yourself to be tortured by her never ending behaviour, then you weren't taking care of yourself.

yes, divorce is high cuz people bail out quickly...they get married quickly too...without knowing the person without forethought.

BUT - sometimes you can know someone for decades and they change...time does that....sometimes you can't help having to leave, if you can't deal with those changes.

Anyway, there is a myriad of reasons why your ex may have behaved the way she did...so, be careful not to "label" her behaviours....just know that the types of behaviours she exhibited WERE unhealthy and don't tolerate them in any new partner.

And be careful you aren't attracted to the same type over and over...cuz that tends to happen sometimes.

Also, I just posted on another post about this...I wonder how healthy it is for us to sit and "dissect" what happened and why....how much time and energy are you spending trying to figure out what went wrong, why it went wrong...how it could have been fixed and such....perhaps it's healthier to understand that it wasn't healthy, it couldn't work given the circumstances, and work on healing and getting over it.

I know that the longer I sit and ponder the past, the longer i get stuck in it.

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